When will my older brother step up the plate and help me care for our 85-year-old father?

I was just taking out the garbage, having just tossed an old thank you note from my niece. Then I thought of all the decades I have bought birthday and Christmas presents for my sisters and their kids (and then "I'm broke and have no gas money!!" funds I've sent off here and there). And it warmed my heart to think of all the thank you notes I've received.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The reason I write about this is the few (two out of ten entities) who have written thank you notes EVER are the only ones who will step up to "help" me with Mom (my nieces' Grandma).

When we were all younger, my mother was literally the only one to take the protection of her grandkids seriously. Mom's home was the only place respectable enough to host holidays, so she was burdened with all the housecleaning and cooking for every single holiday for her own kids, then their kids...and her grandkids are now all in their late thirties. They still expected this until I put my foot down.

So, the history of one's siblings thank you notes through the years (not to mention if they've nagged their own kids to write grandma and Aunt Mabel thank you notes) could be an accurate indicator of who of your siblings will be a deadbeat.

Also, do they have any outstanding loans from the parents? Perhaps you've gone through papers helping your parents move ... were there any letters from your siblings or thank you notes? Could be a telling signal to realize the deadbeat's inner character.

It just be his way of dealing with the grieving process.

dmvgirl, wow that brought tears to my eyes, you are sure a dedicated, and seemingly wonderful person, daughter, etc................If I had a medal of honor right now it would go to u! u are one of a kind, a special, caring, devoted, and irreplaceable daughter, and that noone can change, Just from your comment I read here on this page, gave me a sense of liking you, and wanting u in my network of support, and to be able to always be there if u need a friend to talk to! Just really wanted to tell u that u are special girl, and if noone today told u that they care I certainly do! NOt scared to tell u either! Keep being the person u are, all good stuff come to those who do the next right thing, even if it interferes a bit with your own life! and not even really complaining about it either, u are a special gurl, and your mum is so so so lucky to have u!!!! Just wanted to let u know someone noticed u and recognized and also visualized as much as I could the wonderful person u must be!!!
Love Sue

Susan spoke for a lot of us!

In a word, never. I have 2 sisters who care about my mom, and that leaves 8 other siblings who would not care if she died tomorrow. It's a fact of life. I try not to get too bitter about it because I need my energy. This does help:
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

I write from Italy. I am in the same situation, I have an older brother who does not share with me the responsibility of our mother (she is 84). I think that, as long as we take care of our parents, our brothers will never do it. it is too easy and comfortable for them, this way. Why should they change? If you go and talk to him, he will find hundreds of excuses to explain why he behaves like this. So, the burden is on our shoulders, but we will live with no regrets and we shall be happier with ourselves. Good luck to you and me.

yeah, happier. Like my blog is titled
whendoesthegladstart

I still think there are movies, books, Bible passages, poetry, popular songs, opera...that might be transformative enough to move these deadbeats into a more upstanding character.

I shamed one of the three deadbeat sisters into moving up a notch. She wrote innocently, "so how are you doing?" so I emailed her back what it meant to give up 7 years of my life and be enslaved to care for HER mother. How did she think I was doing? For pete's sake. So she ate crow. She's still not much help, due to her own pitiful circumstances and deadbeat jerk of a husband, but at least she's on the right side of the line.

Character Starts
Where Convenience
ENDS

BRAVO!

We're all fragile. Some of us more than others.
My brother left at 19 and didn't look back. He had his reasons.
I think if I had any brains I would have too but I'm soft hearted & set myself up for this unknowingly and unwittingly.
Brother wants nothing to do with this caregiver stuff of mom. He recently buried his own wife of 39 yrs. after a long devastating illness. We never even heard about it until after she was gone.
He has repeatedly told me to walk away from the whole mess. That tells me all I need to know in regards to his help in the matter. So I'll let him get on with his life and carry this cross myself.
I don't wish this misery on him too. That I don't want to share!!!

I would look at his past behavior in situations like this. Has he ever come through or done something for you with out prompting? If not my guess is going to be no, unless he finds God, new love, has an epiphany, a near death experience or somehow manages to get three years worth of therapy condensed into a two day shrink appointment, I think you need to conclude you are on your own here and count the blessing of sole control (if you have it) along side the burden of sole responsibility. Truly, as hapfra said it, it so often falls in families: someone is the drudge and some one else just keeps their distance and lets ‘em get on with it...

Hello everyone - I'd like to jump into the conversation and bring my support to all of you going through the exact SAME thing I am - caring for my mother alone when I have a brother living in the same town. We are younger - I'm 40 and my brother is 38 and our mother is dying from ovarian cancer. My brother is married with a young son and they live very close to my sister-in-law's parents (who are wonderful BTW, two of my fav people). But while I have no children, I am in a relationship, have a full-time job in a neighboring city, a house and some ongoing health issues of my own. Suddenly in the past month, now that Mom has gotten her official terminal diagnosis, we have called in hospice to care for her at home - as that's what she wants. BUT, all the day-to-day caregiving has fallen on me. I only know that my brother has called her once in the past 2 weeks and hasn't been to visit. Everyone is constantly giving him a "free pass" for not stepping up - his own family, having a child, job, etc etc but that doesn't cut down on the resentment I feel. However, let me say that I am grateful and blessed that I can care for Mom and be there for her. It's all about her needs, not mine. I am learning to let go of waiting for, wishing for, hoping for my brother to step up. He is a wonderful husband, father and friend. I love him dearly. We've been through a lot together over the years - but this is new territory. Thanks to everyone on this post - please keep me posted on how you all are doing. I am here with you and sending virtual hugs to all.

ChristyG: Your deadbeat brother has a WIFE? She could become involved, perhaps, and nag him into helping. This isn't 8-10 years of Alzheimer's caregiving. Yours is a relatively short though tragic caregiving stint, and even walking in the door knowing someone is dying and suffering on the other side is a challenge. It is not "the long goodbye" of Alzheimer's, and probably not even time for the proverbial "bucket list," for your Mom, but assume developing a close relationship with both you and her son would be important to her.

As you said, it is new territory for both of you. Perhaps some online videos of Hospice techniques, lectures and books by Kubler-Ross would be helpful. One of the top books I own is titled "When You're Falling, DIVE: Lessons in the Art of Living" by Mark Matousek. He interviews people who have survived crises, torture, etc. and have come out the better for it. I always find something amazing when I open its pages. Another great book is by Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart." She is an exponent of a wonderful meditation technique called Tonglen, where you breathe IN the dark, sticky, painful sensations, and breathe OUT light and airiness. (most meditation techniques teach the opposite...think about it...it works.)

Even though my two thieving deadbeat sisters remain recalcitrant, and have for 8 years, I have decided to put some faith in one's ability to be transformed. Have you noticed that more movies feature depth-apologies as the climax of the movie (Shrek 3 and "It's Complicated" are two of them.)

Sometimes life hits you on the head with a frying pan, and the death of a parent is one of those ironclad moments. Your brother is ducking, and now's the time to "man up."

ChristyG - I don't want to give your brother a pass, but sometimes men simply cannot face their mother's illness. It is possible that you two could be closer than ever before if you can share this sad time. You have come to grips with the physical care and I don't think that is what really bothers you. It sounds more like you need to share this experience with your sibling - the only person who really knows how you FEEL. Hopefully, you can help him share with you - you both need it. Blessings.

here here! i just found this site..im the baby of the family, divorced trying to have a life as well. Brothers and sisters are married and have spousal help around the house...and there retired..i work, take care of my mom full time and im trying to have a single social live, im very healthy and active love outdoor activities. Dont feel im getting the assistance i need from family. they handle doctor type stuff and want control of the financial aspects - there is no financial gain for me at all- so its a little nice or comforting or misery loves company type of feel good to know that others are in the same situation as me. i truly dont think they are going to change..so i have accepted the fact that i will do whatever i can to make my mom happy and comfortable to the best of my ability and accept that im not perfect and im not a nun/nurse etc...ill do what i can - the only assistance i need besides a good day care option is to have more patience and acceptance of myself and to not carry around guilt that im not devoting my entire life to my mom and she can go to day care and/or be alone during the day while im at work, gym etc.. - Go away guilt..welcome patience!!!

LynLy61, It sounds like you have balance and are not making yourself nuts trying to be all things, your sibs are what they are and what choices they make in life will effect them and others they may come around or not, but you seem to have found solid ground. Good for you!

thank you...i try...and i try not to carry around a grudge either lifes to short and it affects my life to be so angry or disappointed with others- i do love my siblings..they will have to face their own guilt or negligience of my mom at some point...im not here on this earth to teach them that lesson...all i can do is find peace in myself and care for my mom to the best of my ability. ive stopped asking for regular assistance cause im always let down. im avoiding that by not asking..thus the reason for seeking in home or adult day care..we're on our own bubs! :)

im super glad i found this site...i have a place to correspond and/or vent! amen to that..

Check out your local churches for Senior Centers. When my Mom first moved in with me she din't want to do anything, but stick to my side. Had to convince her to try it because I work all day also and she didn't want to be alone. Well needless to say it worked out great, I have to remind her everyday where she is going and for how long etc., but I truely believe it has help slow down the progression of her dementia and its free. There are a lot of things out there fot the elderly so take advantage. Its not only good for her but you as well. Good luck

thank you...i know i just took my mom to reno and was on vacation for a week spent alot of time with my mom even though that wasnt the plan i asked for sibling help so i could have a vacation at home alone..anyways...what i noticed is that spending non working days with my mom and having my friends over and including her in my activities in a more peaceful rested state of mind (me) -and not having to work and rush around etc- i notice a huge difference in my mom..she communicated clearer..seemed happier, fixed her hair more etc...i just saw her looking happier...so i know that regular patient interaction is key for her well being...she cant be alone for to long thats why the senior center isnt the best cause theres no one there to assist her if she gets confused or lost. i need an assistant and got darn it im gonna get me one! ya hoo...

My brother could not handle caregiving as dad was struggling. He just cannot do it. It is a shame for him because he missed out on caring for dad.

Try not to be resentful. And try not to expect others to be a caregiver as you are. It will only make you bitter. And bitterness is unhealthy for you.

Hang in there. And God bless you for your love.

Once one is a full time caregiver, the only one usually, it is amazing how LITTLE the deadbeat siblings can do to get themselves out of the karmic hole they are digging for themselves. A genuine phone call, regular emails of genuine concern, surprise greeting cards or little presents. Those sorts of little contributions relieve the pressure of being the ONLY one. There comes a time when no sibling can match hour for hour what we have done.

They could come in all alone and take over the rest of the caregiving, and they'd still be way behind. There is one sister who just cannot make it, has health and money problems, but her occasional concerned emails keeps her off my shit list.

Hi, tropicalbreeze. Though it might be frustrating to come to terms with it, your brother may never step up to the plate to help in caregiving. If you feel strongly that he should, hopefully you have already asked him for help and told him ways he might better support you. This is a category of expectations whether some of us caregivers realize it, or not. What I expect from someone else may never come to pass.

There is an article posted by AgingCare today that may help. It's called "Siblings in Denial...."
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/siblings-in-denial-about-elderly-parents-health-140800.htm

my brother thinks he is doing as much as he can but does nothing I am caring for both my parents and he lives 1 1/2 miles away but always he has a busy important life. Instead of helping me take mom to the Dr. he had to spend 4 days at his Lakehouse, someday I will learn and stop asking for his help

yes if they continue to let you down you will feel bad. when you stop asking as hard as that may be and find other support - like this site- adult day care or home health assistant- you wont continue to be let down and you can go on with life. im living it...stopped asking for help cause i was constantly ignored and became madder as time went..ive let all that go. they will have to deal with their concience not me..good luck and hang in there

oh man i have never been thanked for anything...you've got it good! ha ha yeah right...i hear you though...

We ALL need thanks and applauds for the loving care that we give our loved ones...We have the best support right here...My friends are very supportive but none of them are going through what we are...It's wonderful to know that I can come here and talk to anyone about my feelings and concerns and I will get a response... Am I being selfish if I want to go and visit friends and leave my folks alone knowing they will be alright for a couple of hours? I feel sooo guilty!!!

NO GUILT!!!!
You need respite to keep you sane.

NO tropical breeze. It is important for your to have your own life and visit your friends. You need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of someone else. It is in fact true that you cannot take care of someone else if you arent taking care of yourself.

It is very important to be o and patient with yourself.

Your parents WANT you to enjoy life. Guilt is a normal feeling. I suggest you forgive yourself and give yourself permission to have fun with friends (or as much as fun as you can have with your life obligatiions!) and know that you will be a better caregiver after some respite time.

I dont have friends around here. I miss that. I think respite time is healthy.

God bless you.

If he has to be told, he never will. My brother-n-law will not do anything for his father. But is the first to start running his mouth about what we should be doing. My father-n-law recently gave him 15,000.00 dollars. He said he felt like since he built a room on our house to live in( so we can wait on him hand and foot) he owed him that money. We ask him to take him tp a dentist appointment thw other day, not only did he not show up, he didnt even call.

NOPE DONT DO IT...LET THE GUILT GO...IVE HAD GUILT EVERY DAY...FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH OR IF MY MOM DOESNT TAKE HER MEDICINE RIGHT OR IF I DONT SPEND TIME TALKING TO HER ON DAYS WHEN IM POOPED...GUESS WHAT MY MOM LOVES ME AND SHE DOESNT REMEMBER TO MUCH ANYWAY...SO LET GO OF THE GUILT...WE ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY..JUST DO YOUR BEST AND FROM THIS POINT ON WHEN MY FAMILY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT WHAT IM NOT DOING RIGHT GUESS WHAT IM GONNA TELL THEM? IF YOU DONT LIKE THE WAY I DO THINGS THEN COME AND FIX IT YOURSELF! HA THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN BUT IM REFUSING FROM THIS POINT TO LISTEN TO THEM TRY AND MAKE ME FEEL BAD AND NOT ONCE NOT ONCE HAS ANYONE SAID TO ME - THANKS CAROL FOR TAKING CARE OF "OUR MOM"

GUILTY SHMILTY...LET IT GO....WHEN YOU NEED TO GET OUT YOU BETTER DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO...ITS FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH...- I KNOW I STILL FEEL GUILTY...IM WORKING ON IT! :)

thanks for the support it means a lot I am glad I found this site funny how you get more support from people that don't even know you than you do from your own family