When will I stop feeling like I’m lost in space?

When you have been a caregiver your world becomes so much smaller. Everything is focused around “doing” for someone.
Because of that you loose friends and a sense of “self”.
Then in a matter of hours your world changes. You are no longer a caregiver. You’re no longer “doing” for someone hour after hour, day after day.
It took me a long time before I could be out and not look at my watch and say or think “I have to get home by 3 because the caregiver has to go.”
It took me a long time before I could sleep through the night, waking every few hours to change my Husbands brief, or change his position.

You need to find You again. What did you do before you were a caregiver? Can you that? Or is there something you have felt strongly about?
I Volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I also Volunteer with a Veterans group. These activities help keep me busy and I feel good contributing.
Sure it is still difficult at times. I hear a song on the radio and one time it has no effect on me, another time and I breakdown. No rhyme nor reason.
Give yourself time.
Be kind to yourself.
And I will share this with you…
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love
((hugs))

Grandma1954 said it well.

You have identified yourself as a caregiver for many years and now that role has ended. It will take time to move forward into new things. You could pick up some of the things you did before caregiving but now might be the time to consider something new.

Years ago I started writing (to myself) a document on my computer called "Wondering Who I Am" because I realized that after all the years of a living with a controlling husband and now caring for him, I lost "me." Maybe you could try writing for your own sake, not words anyone else will ever need to read. I find writing helps me process.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My father passed in 2018 at 83. He was wheelchair bound the last two years. He was my everything. When he passed I never ever grieved. I’m starting now. It’s so hard to just even get up sometimes. I feel you.

I give you my condolences on the loss of your mom. It is certainly a difficult time - I remember.

* I believe that everyone grieves differently as we are all a unique combination emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually -

* And, how we believe / process the transition from being here on earth to wherever we go. Some believe in heaven (which I do not understand personally), some believe in reincarnation and others, perhaps like me, believe that energy continues on and transforms.

* You 'may' stop tunneling through daily life . . . as you are when you feel through however you feel. Be with it. Understand it is grief and a part of the human experience. With lots of emotions going through us.

* If it supports you, write write write.
* Meditate.

* There is no rushing through grief. We can get stuck in the process though if we do not allow it to wash through us, like a spring or cascade on a mountain top.

* Reconsider - reframe how you say "... I only feel human texting . . . " ALL your feelings, including numbing out, are part of how you feel and part of your process.

* Sit with yourself in silence and be with 'it' no matter how 'it' feels or how you associate / attach meaning to it. Honor your grief by being with yourself through it. It is painful. You are likely in shock.

* If you have difficulty being with you, focus on your breath. Or, as we tend to inhale more deeply when we focus on it, be aware / focus on the in-between moments when breathing in and out.

* Key is to be present and honor all your feelings, even the ones you say you do not feel. They feel you. And, they want you to grieve and heal through however the process takes / moves you.

And, do things that bring you joy (flowers, gardening, a walk).
This is a time when you are super sensitive to the present. Love yourself in any way you that supports you in presence.

Touch Matters / Gena

I believe one reason the death of a parent is so disorienting is they are like our 'compass points' as we grow up from childhood; even tho you were prepared for your mother's passing, an it was blessedly gentle, you now have to function without a major reference point. It takes time; I'm so glad you have trusted support people, and you are wise to give them space too while you renegotiate your own path as an individual. Baby steps, it will come so be gentle with yourself; keep up your routines and let yourself feel what you feel as you get your bearings.

My sympathy on the passing of your dear mother. She's now living her best life in Heaven. You are tired emotionally and physically. I urge you to get up, make your bed, get dressed and go out every day. Doesn't matter if it's a morning walk around the block or going to get your hair done, The important thing is to get up and get moving. Motion destroyed depression. I took my grief out on my landscape and I would sweat and cry there. No wonder I won 'yard of the month' several months during that time. You've been taking care of mom -- not it's time to take care of you and your husband. Make every day count not fall into a blur of the one before and before. You can do this. And a lot of your friends here are cheering you on!

I’m sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes last summer and definitely felt the fog. I can look back and say I busied myself with so much of the business end of someone dying, closing accounts, cleaning out and selling house, etc. that I was trying to avoid feeling the impact of dad being gone. There were a number of weeks of feeling like I wasn’t myself. Time is your friend, it makes things better gradually. I found being outdoors to be a huge help, taking walks daily and really noticing the world around me. And trying to focus on happy memories, we’d walked a hard road in dad’s last months. I tried to think more of the good dad I’d had and not the pitiful man he was in the end. I wish you peace as you walk through it

It's been almost 3 months since my mom passed away, and I am starting to feel normal. I decided from the beginning not to take on any new responsibilities for a year to give myself time to heal. Except a dog. I had wanted a dog for several years, but didn't feel I had time to take care of one, so now I have adopted a dog named Spot. It's kind of nice to take care of someone who can be put in a crate when I need to run errands.
Besides spending time with family and Spot, I do simple, healing things. I "play" in my garden, and have worked on some projects - knitting, sewing, carpentry - all work with my hands that I already had some skills with - nothing new to learn, and no deadlines. I also did some major closet cleaning out with several trips to various recycling centers and resale shops. That was therapeutic to me because I felt like I was getting my life back, but might be overwhelming to other people.
Something that a lot of people have a hard time realizing is that your emotions are all yours and all valid. Sometimes I hear people say "I shouldn't feel this way." or "I should be over this now." Well, no. We don't control our feelings. We can and should control our actions, but acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them.
Just give yourself time to heal. If you are feeling like it is more than you can handle, check into grief support groups.

After my Mom passed last December, it took me a few months not to automatically grab my phone if I was going to be anywhere out of earshot. Being a caregiver for so many years becomes a habit or a way of life so, like any habit, it takes time to make a new path. Not only are you grieving the loss of the person you loved, your life as you knew it completely changes in an instant.

At first, I had all the end of life notifications to make so that kept me busy. Then we had a virtual service (no regular calling hours or funeral were allowed at the time). I had put off going through boxes of things that were from the family house when it was sold so I forced myself to do that. We visited our kids/grandkids without worrying that I'd have to get back for an emergency. And then there was a celebration of life to plan this summer which was both sad and cathartic. Keeping busy with things that both remind you of the person you lost as well as things you didn't do because you were caring for that person will gradually get you back on track. It does take time, you can't make it happen any sooner than you're ready but it does happen. Set small goals for yourself each day and you'll feel good when you've accomplished them. Over time, you'll have larger goals and they won't seem as daunting. Eventually you start to feel more like your "old" self. This doesn't mean you won't have sad times or times when you simply can't accomplish what you set out to do but those become fewer as the months go by.

I'm very sorry for your loss. As much as we try to prepare for the inevitable, we are never truly prepared when it happens. As I'm writing this, my phone kindly brought up a picture of a "memory" from 4 year ago - Mom on her front porch with all her beautiful flowers. It still makes me cry. When she and I would talk about getting older, she would always say "It beats the alternative!" Oh, she was so right!

There is no timeline fir grieving, but you can prevent staying in a permanent funk.

Get out in the world again. Whatever that means in your life.

Due to Covid, the world is probably different than it was when you started caretaking, so naturally your behavior has to adapt.

Do something you enjoy. Shopping, museums, movies, lunch with a friend? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Design short, low-pressure outings alone or with others - but choose someone outside the bubble that you listed so thst you start branching out.

I always felt movies were a great place to escape. But learn about the movie before you go to make sure it is appropriate for your mood.

When I was first at a movie following my mom’s death, I chose a comedy purposefully and then there was this “supposed-to-be-funny” scene where this guy was electrocuted and needed CPR. I wanted to run screaming out of the theater because I was doing CPR on mom just after she died until the paramedics could arrive. The memory of that distasteful scene still makes me cringe.

The thing that helped me feel alive again most was engaging in volunteer work. It got me out and thinking about other people’s problems, not mine.

Volunteer work has changed too, but there are still lots of things you can do during Covid. Volunteering at a religious institution is easy, the projects are already set up, you can just show up and join the assembly line. No pre-thought needed.

if you aren’t interested in implementing a project that someone else has created, design your own. You can always start small by bringing dinner to someone who is sick or grieving. It is as simple as making an extra portion of whatever you are cooking. It may cause you to cook creatively, and make something more exciting than your repertoire.