When will I be guilt free?

She can make you feel stressed, angry and irritable, but she can't make you feel guilty unless you choose to own it. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong, you have nothing to be guilty for.

I like all of the answers/responses. Bottom line as Giveahug said, "EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DID FOR YOUR MOM was done from a loving place." Nothing beats that.

You will be guilt free when you understand that EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DID FOR YOUR MOM was done from a loving place. That you are doing the best you can. And that even though mom no longer understands, she loves you to bits and is proud of everything you've done for her. Even though you've made mistakes.

It has only been a week. Ask those who take care of the residents how she is when you aren't there. You may very well find that she is doing well. I would suggest that you don't visit for a few days. If you are going every day, it might make it more difficult for her to adjust. Please know that you are doing what is "best" for mom. Stand strong. Change the subject when she starts in on coming home. You can do this!

To me, feeling guilt implies that you are an amazing, compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic person. i say this because the only reason people feel guilt is because they feel they haven't done enough (or have made the wrong choices) that hurt others. The fact is that you have done everything you can to make sure your loved one is taken care of. You have gone above and beyond to make sure she is safe. If she was in her right mind, she would also see this.
I recommend that when you feel guilt, you remind yourself that you are a good person and have done what's best. Eventually the feeling with dull (though I think that compassionate people always have some burden of guilt because of their generosity of spirit). I hope that you can recognize that feeling for what it REALLY is soon.
Angel

When you said over and over and over again, and without my brother, I immediately related to your dilemma. I made amends with God about two years ago and decided that I was gonna do all that I can and what I can't, I won't. My mother has an Aide 4 days per week, but that's enough because she is very independent. But I know in my heart of hearts it is past-time to have her move into Assisted Living. God bless us for even caring about the people who have given us birth and the best quality of life they could give. Now it's our turn and we are committed to doing what we can. No more guilt. God knows. By the way, my mother loves to dance -- fast, anywhere, anytime, anyway. People understand, but I still overwhelmed and bewildered when I see the behavior. God knows.

I meant to say my mother has an Aide 4 days per week, but that's NOT enough because she is very independent. She frequently goes out walking to the store and being picked up by strangers. Thank God these are good people. One of the prerequisites I'm looking for is an Assisted Living facility that won't allow her to just walk out when she feels like it. And as long as they have social hours where she can "shake her money maker", she'll be fine. I'm confident in knowing and believing that.

I would read as much as possible about dementia, so you can try to understand how it works with people. Trying to get a dementia patient to see reason, appreciate reality or function normally isn't likely. If you continue to think your mom will act the way you want her to act in memory care, I'm not sure you will ever be satisfied. It's just not that likely for dementia patients to meet the emotional needs of family members.

It's not that she is refusing to be happy. Her brain is not working properly. I would try to adjust my expectations. It sounds like you want validation from her. Why not give yourself that validation? You knew what was right. You did the right thing. Pat yourself on the back for putting your mom's needs first.

I worked so hard to get my loved one into Assisted Living. She needed it desperately and I was so relieved the day I got her admitted! I cried with joy as I drove out of the parking lot. She wasn't particularly happy with living there, but I knew she was exactly where she needed to be to survive. She could not appreciate her condition. I slept for the first time in weeks and thank God for helping me. When you do the right thing, as CWillie says, you have no right to feel guilty.

Thank you all for the support...all of your answers give me so much more strength. I just got off the phone with mom who is begging me to take her home...back home to HER parents(who died 28 years ago) and brothers...thats how far gone she is. She sounds so pitiful...it will never stop breaking my heart.

I am going to keep reading your posts over and over....