Follow
Share

Admitted mom to memory care last week. Such nice staff, beautiful surroundings, she was able to keep her beloved dog. I know it takes time for her to adjust and i have explained over and over(and over!) to her why she needs to be there. Of course she asks why she cant live with me and I explain that too. I have taken care of her for 4 years and managed to let her live alone with caregivers till now. She had become a danger to herself and others so could no longer live alone. I know she is in the best hands possible(and a 5 minute drive from me) so why do I still feel miserable when she complains that she feels "closed in" there and is not happy. I told her that i have literally done all I can for her ( with NO help from my brother) but that she has to choose to be happy, as i cant make her happy, noone can. I have been honest w her that I have reached the point of meltdown exhaustion I know she forgets our conversations but I just wish she werent so self absorbed and could see that Ive honestly done my level best for her instead of pouting when Im around, feeding the ridiculous guilt I feel. Help!!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I've been in your shoes to some extent. My mother had short term memory loss. I had to convince her to go to skilled care for therapy. She hated it. The first week she begged me to take her home. She even packed all her stuff and handed it to me one day saying "let's go." I left her there.. it took about a month before she started doing the activities, and one she did she ended up liking it. It is a hard adjustment, but a lot of times people do adjust and it becomes normal. Just hang in there. Don't beat yourself up with guilt, it does more harm than good.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I constantly urge her to participate. She is resistant and even if she agreed with me at that moment she would forget seconds later, her short term memory is SHOT. I don't think she will ever adjust...she is simply miserable to be there and wants ME constantly. it will never end. It is overwhelming.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You need to remember that you did everything you could, and that you are simply looking out for her best interest at this point. I know it's hard, but encourage her to participate in the activities. She will adjust in time, just be patient.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So let go and let God. Now. Smile. Take your time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I like all of the answers/responses. Bottom line as Giveahug said, "EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DID FOR YOUR MOM was done from a loving place." Nothing beats that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am going to keep reading your posts over and over....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you all for the support...all of your answers give me so much more strength. I just got off the phone with mom who is begging me to take her home...back home to HER parents(who died 28 years ago) and brothers...thats how far gone she is. She sounds so pitiful...it will never stop breaking my heart.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You will be guilt free when you understand that EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DID FOR YOUR MOM was done from a loving place. That you are doing the best you can. And that even though mom no longer understands, she loves you to bits and is proud of everything you've done for her. Even though you've made mistakes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would read as much as possible about dementia, so you can try to understand how it works with people. Trying to get a dementia patient to see reason, appreciate reality or function normally isn't likely. If you continue to think your mom will act the way you want her to act in memory care, I'm not sure you will ever be satisfied. It's just not that likely for dementia patients to meet the emotional needs of family members.

It's not that she is refusing to be happy. Her brain is not working properly. I would try to adjust my expectations. It sounds like you want validation from her. Why not give yourself that validation? You knew what was right. You did the right thing. Pat yourself on the back for putting your mom's needs first.

I worked so hard to get my loved one into Assisted Living. She needed it desperately and I was so relieved the day I got her admitted! I cried with joy as I drove out of the parking lot. She wasn't particularly happy with living there, but I knew she was exactly where she needed to be to survive. She could not appreciate her condition. I slept for the first time in weeks and thank God for helping me. When you do the right thing, as CWillie says, you have no right to feel guilty.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I meant to say my mother has an Aide 4 days per week, but that's NOT enough because she is very independent. She frequently goes out walking to the store and being picked up by strangers. Thank God these are good people. One of the prerequisites I'm looking for is an Assisted Living facility that won't allow her to just walk out when she feels like it. And as long as they have social hours where she can "shake her money maker", she'll be fine. I'm confident in knowing and believing that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When you said over and over and over again, and without my brother, I immediately related to your dilemma. I made amends with God about two years ago and decided that I was gonna do all that I can and what I can't, I won't. My mother has an Aide 4 days per week, but that's enough because she is very independent. But I know in my heart of hearts it is past-time to have her move into Assisted Living. God bless us for even caring about the people who have given us birth and the best quality of life they could give. Now it's our turn and we are committed to doing what we can. No more guilt. God knows. By the way, my mother loves to dance -- fast, anywhere, anytime, anyway. People understand, but I still overwhelmed and bewildered when I see the behavior. God knows.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

To me, feeling guilt implies that you are an amazing, compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic person. i say this because the only reason people feel guilt is because they feel they haven't done enough (or have made the wrong choices) that hurt others. The fact is that you have done everything you can to make sure your loved one is taken care of. You have gone above and beyond to make sure she is safe. If she was in her right mind, she would also see this.
I recommend that when you feel guilt, you remind yourself that you are a good person and have done what's best. Eventually the feeling with dull (though I think that compassionate people always have some burden of guilt because of their generosity of spirit). I hope that you can recognize that feeling for what it REALLY is soon.
Angel
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

She can make you feel stressed, angry and irritable, but she can't make you feel guilty unless you choose to own it. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong, you have nothing to be guilty for.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It has only been a week. Ask those who take care of the residents how she is when you aren't there. You may very well find that she is doing well. I would suggest that you don't visit for a few days. If you are going every day, it might make it more difficult for her to adjust. Please know that you are doing what is "best" for mom. Stand strong. Change the subject when she starts in on coming home. You can do this!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.