Great question. My family will not help me care for mom and ignore my calls, messages and texts...you get the idea. The only ones I can talk to are my adult kids and the caregivers we have while I'm at work. I don't want to burden my kids so I've started holding back on things. Luckily after 6 years of caregiving I found this site and people who get it. I realized how lost and alone I felt all those years...now when I need a friend I hop on AC and reconnect with the enlightened. I'm so thankful for this site. I don't have any close friends as I've always been a loner since I was a kid but I have realized that's ok, that's who I am. My mom was always my best friend. Now and I am my own best friend. And now I have my cyber friends ;) who actually understand.
Thank you for your response Perseverance, you certainly chose an accurate pen name.. People do try. They don't live it so they can't understand. Co-workers and friends that call always ask "How's your mom"? I could give a dissertation on meds, blood thickness levels, passive aggressive responses,incontinence and what I have to do just to before leaving for work but it's just not worth it. I just say "we're good".
Bless your heart Perplexed, you're in a bad place as well. This isn't like the movies where there's always a happy ending. Cmagnum, she's 77 and only a few grandkids are old enough to drive and are living elsewhere, the others are in early high school. How long can I keep it up? Can't answer that. To tell the truth a few years ago when I crashed I drove up to the church and talked to one of the pastors. Two of them and I knelt and prayed for 3 things. Strength, Patience and Endurance... Truthing you here. To this day, I know it's definitely God working, 'cause I wore out a long time ago. And maryanne56, I covet those prayers.. and yeah, sending a group hug back at all of ya'll. Thank you ~
LOL "I try to avoid it because it only frustrates me more when they use a story about a sick puppy or something to show they understand what you're going thru." That is so true perseverance64, even my sister always segues to a story about someone at the assisted living where she works as a receptionist. Or I will get "I couldn't do what you are doing " and a change of subject. I have been feeling so exhausted lately that I have made a few phone calls to inquire about respite care. I think even a couple of days to recharge my batteries may be good for me.
I have a very similar situation in my age, grown kids and grandbabies. My care is for my wife who is paralyzed from an accident. We can't afford an agency so it makes it tough to find a decent aide to be there while at work so I know how difficult that is for you too. There are no simple answers and everyones situation is unique. That "hollow advice" does get real annoying and leaves you not even wanting to discuss it anymore with them. Of course they than think everything is just fine when you give simple replies when asked. I try to avoid it because it only frustrates me more when they use a story about a sick puppy or something to show they understand what you're going thru. I know they mean well but it doesn't help and leaves me thinking about my "caregiver" role. Get strength by knowing what an amazing person it takes to do what you are doing. It helps me to know I have a God in heaven that has the answers and reasons to all this and that He truly understands the struggles. God Bless
I pray you find help with your mother...i pray for your strength and health. God bless you for taking care of your mother..My father stroked and was left pretty much helpless afterward....had to do everything for him, one brother helped for 2 years and then quit...i beleive the Lord gave me what strength i had to endure the final year..we got up in the night and changed him, turned him over...and found a mattress that would do the turning after 2 years of no sleep. What a godsend. Then when he was ready for hospice to come, they bathed him and sent a nurse out to check on him which was also releif. Sending hugs for you .
That's why we are here! I about lost my mind before this site! There are so many smart, caring people who will reach out and help you! As country mouse suggested your siblings need to stand up- like it or not- make a schedule with them for some time off for yourself. Otherwise let them know you will have a caregiver come in 24/7 or take her to respite for 2 weeks and they can foot the bill.
Can you get respite care, Tired? It's a performance making the arrangements but, in my experience anyway, worth it. [On balance, she says grudgingly. Just.] At least you get unbroken sleep and the chance to linger over breakfast, even if you haven't the energy to do anything exciting.
If not, stopgap measures for me include heavy duty gardening or similar - something that requires hard-to-violent physical effort; the in-in-in through the nose, purse lips and blow steadily out breathing exercise; or doing the hoovering and having a good uninhibited rant at whoever it is has just pissed me off. The hoovering bit is of the essence: no one can hear you so they can't send for the men in white coats…
Approach to siblings who live that close but still manage to contribute sweet FA: have you tried the direct one? - calling them up and without beating about the bush saying "I'd like you to stay over from [day] to [day] to care for mother - would you be able to do that please?" Some people just sit there like tins of milk passively waiting for requests/instructions - any chance they're like that?
I am in the same situation. My siblings wouldn't visit or help my 90 year old mom because they live 45 minutes away. I started having stress related seizures. So, my husband told my siblings that mom can't live with us anymore due to my health and they have to find the solution of where she will go. He said it is up to them but mom's wishes are to live with family and she does not want to go to a nursing home. Well, my brother said he would take her but hasn't yet. His wife sounds like she doesn't want her. However, everyone is visiting and helping a lot more. Realistically, I don't want mom to go to a household that will be resentful of taking care of her. My husband says they'll never take her. But, at least they are helping and giving me a day off once a week. I am hoping to go away on some long weekends with my husband and feel that because they fear we'll just drop mom off any day now, they will be more than happy to take her for the weekend or a week or two to give us a rest as long as it's not permanent. You could try telling your siblings that doctor orders are she needs to move in with one of the siblings as your health is suffering. Then,see if they aren't more than happy to help more, take her for a weekend, or week or two every so often to give you the break that you so desperately need. Good luck!
Here goes.... She had a massive stroke 5-1/2 years ago, hospitalized and then rehab hospital for months. Moved her in with me and am on my 5th daytime caregiver (while I'm at work). I'm divorced, 54. As I've learned, siblings usually step back and do less and less. One is 1 mile away and the other about 45 mins. Sadly, my mother hasn't seen her grandkids (other than my son) in years. I got one weekend to go to a reunion last year and one the year before, where a brother would take her to his house for that one weekend. I'm just wearing out.
This is a good place to vent or to ask for or offer advice. If you participate regularly you are bound to make some cyber-friends.
Joining a local support group for caregivers is also a good option for talking to people who "get it" and are nonjudgmental. There may be support groups specifically for caregivers of parents or of people with the kind of impairment your mother has.
During my husband's journey with dementia I kept a blog on Caring Bridge and updated regularly. The friends and family what wanted details could get them there. Then we were together we could talk about other things.
I kept up my participation in a book club. We meet once a month. Reading the book and then talking about it gave me some non-caregiving activity. People know about my situation and about major details of each other's lives, but our focus was on a book. It can be very refreshing to interact with people totally removed from the caregiving world. I imagine that a knitting club or a bowling league or a bird-watching group or any group that meets periodically with a common interest would serve the same purpose.
Tired12345, tell us more about what is going on in your household. Your profile says you have you mother living with you. What are her medical issues and limitations?
We have some regular writers on these forums who are also from Texas :)
I have found the only people I can talk to in person are those who had gone through caring for an elder or are currently caring for elder, be it hands-on or from a distance.... they are the only ones who understand, and when they say "I know what you are going through", they really know what you are going through.
These forums are great for talking things out and learning new ideas. We've all been fried and scrambled :P
As country mouse suggested your siblings need to stand up- like it or not- make a schedule with them for some time off for yourself. Otherwise let them know you will have a caregiver come in 24/7 or take her to respite for 2 weeks and they can foot the bill.
good luck!
How much longer do you think you can keep this up?
How far away do the grandchildren live? Why don't they or can't they come and visit her?
If not, stopgap measures for me include heavy duty gardening or similar - something that requires hard-to-violent physical effort; the in-in-in through the nose, purse lips and blow steadily out breathing exercise; or doing the hoovering and having a good uninhibited rant at whoever it is has just pissed me off. The hoovering bit is of the essence: no one can hear you so they can't send for the men in white coats…
Approach to siblings who live that close but still manage to contribute sweet FA: have you tried the direct one? - calling them up and without beating about the bush saying "I'd like you to stay over from [day] to [day] to care for mother - would you be able to do that please?" Some people just sit there like tins of milk passively waiting for requests/instructions - any chance they're like that?
Joining a local support group for caregivers is also a good option for talking to people who "get it" and are nonjudgmental. There may be support groups specifically for caregivers of parents or of people with the kind of impairment your mother has.
During my husband's journey with dementia I kept a blog on Caring Bridge and updated regularly. The friends and family what wanted details could get them there. Then we were together we could talk about other things.
I kept up my participation in a book club. We meet once a month. Reading the book and then talking about it gave me some non-caregiving activity. People know about my situation and about major details of each other's lives, but our focus was on a book. It can be very refreshing to interact with people totally removed from the caregiving world. I imagine that a knitting club or a bowling league or a bird-watching group or any group that meets periodically with a common interest would serve the same purpose.
We have some regular writers on these forums who are also from Texas :)
These forums are great for talking things out and learning new ideas. We've all been fried and scrambled :P