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Husband has stage 3 bladder cancer at age 91, doctors won't do further treatments at his age. He is in good health generally. Now kidneys are working at 30 & 60%. Docs offer stents for nothing. He has dementia so it's a family decision. Do we make attempts to clear kidneys or let both kidneys & cancer happen?

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Does he have a DNR? my mom and dad each had one stating if they were terminal they wanted no life sustaining measures. I certainly would not want to make the decision for you, but does he have any quality of life? My sister and I asked ourselves if our mother was living or just existing. She was not enjoying life any longer. That helped us to make the decision to keep her comfortable and not undergo any procedures that would just prolong the inevitable and not add any true enjoyment to her life. I wish you all the best in making this decision. It is definitely not an easy one.
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Reply to Peeps83
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Really this must be your decision. I am very clear in my own mind what my decision would be, my partner and I having long had advance directives and instructed one another, and before that, my brother and my parents having been clear what their own wishes could be.

I can't imagine that the weighing in of a bunch of strangers from around the world could ever add much to this difficult decision than more confusion. When I myself deal with my own (now second) cancer dx. it is honestly the input of others, constant stories and advice, that is the most difficult part of it all.

You know your loved one. You always have. You have the advice of a medical team. The me, now, having had a long life it is about as comfortable an exit as I could conceivably make it for the one I love so much. That is personal decision. I am so very sorry, and I hope whatever family is there for support will BE supportive rather than argumentative with any decision made.
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Jayne44 Jun 27, 2025
In the past we have discussed these hard decisions and have DNR's and POA's for each. However, now that the time has arrived and the reality of watching someone pass on while I do nothing is a struggle and takes so much of my emotional energy.
I know what I will do but don't like the responsibility of doing it.
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I think I'd choose whatever keeps him the most comfortable for whatever time he has left. Consult hospice and find out what their care would look like.

With my dad, he chose to treat his lymphoma at age 92. He also had dementia but was deemed competent by his oncologist to make his own decision. The chemo almost killed him, and he gave up, choosing to die naturally at his own rate.
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Jayne44 Jun 27, 2025
I have faith in the urologist and he tends to express the comfort side of care and not the medical treatment side at age 91,
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Your husband is not in good health with stage 3 bladder cancer, kidney disease and dementia at 91, with doctors refusing to administer further treatment. When my mother had dementia and CHF, I prayed daily for God to take her rather than prolong her suffering. I would never have taken any life extending measures on her behalf, and the cancer she had on her chin was left untreated. Dementia alone ruins the quality of a persons life, nevermind a person whos lived so long in the first place.

That's my opinion on the situation, to call hospice and keep DH comfortable. I'm so sorry you're all dealing with such a situation and I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.
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Jayne44 Jun 27, 2025
I appreciate the wishes.
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I would let things be. At 91 with Dementia, I would want him comfortable. No extreme measures. Get Hospice in. This will mean jo more doctors no more hospitals. My Mom got to where she didn't want to be touched. The blood pressure cuff made her cry out in pain. I did not want her poked and prodded. Let Dad go in peace.
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Jayne44 Jun 27, 2025
He has DNR and I have Medial POA. He is able to do all the DLA. I took him fishing this A.M. You would not know he has the medical conditions. Because he is suffers from short term memory mostly he can carry on a lucent conversations with family etc.
Its knowing that by not doing anything he may linger until kidneys shut down, which is a difficult thing to experience.
Thank you for giving me the information you experiences.
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He doesn't like that he is 91 with dementia, his cancer gives him no physical pain, so he tends to forget about the cancer. The kidney issue; one is at 60% the other at 30% is a new thing and is something we need to address immediately.
He loves fishing several times a week, so I have become quite the sherpa as we fish the mountains of Colorado.
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You should get a hospice consult to at least hear out what will happen as time goes on. My brother was stage 4 and just got sleepy and faded away after 6 weeks without pain. This does not mean you have to accept hospice but you will have another opinion
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Reply to MACinCT
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It's wonderful that you are taking him fishing. What a wonderful experience for him and for you. Best wishes in whatever is decided.
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