When to help and when not to?

It sounds as though grandma needs "cueing"...someone to coach her step by step what to do. Can you walk her through the steps of toileting, pulling up her drawers, etc?

My explanation...they become like little children. So if you look at it that way it makes sense. A small child will do anything to get someone to do it for them. The difference is, the child learns eventually that they can do it themselves. A person suffering from a Dementia has no long term memory so can't be taught. I have helped with those Depends and they are hard to get up. The plastic sticks to the skin.

Allowing them to do as much as they can is good but I wouldn't force the issue. Its just a frustration they don't need. Eventually, she is going to need someone to do full toileting. My Mom declined each month.

What is a CT scan going to prove. All Moms Drs. were aware she had it without me saying anything. The neurologist just confirmed what everyone knew. He gave Mom an EEG in the office but never recommended an MRI or CT scan. I put my Mom thru nothing she didn't want to do.

Hello Kate, my mother needed a MRI and CT scan a few years back, the docs were checking for a bleed. I requested to stay with my mom for the MRI and asked the docs to order her a small dose of Xanax. I held her hand during the MRI and everything was fine. The CT scan went ok, the techs would not let me in with her during the CT, but I was able to help lift her onto the stretcher prior to the CT, and told her I was just outside the waiting room. I would recommend talking to the doctor and ask for a antianxiety med. It really worked well for my mom. The yelling has to stop that would drive me crazy too, I would make an appointment with her neurologist asap, and be firm, tell him/her about your Grandmothers behavior, talk about meds, CT scan, and if not helpful I would search for another doctor. I tried to encourage my mother to do a few things for herself, but it got too difficult, and frustrating for her. I used to encourage my mom with ADL's, I did the rest, but then she would say "the people do it for me". I just do it now, but she does do range of motion exercises most days, I do insist on that. I do tell her she will be weak and be more w/c bound if she does not do them, and its doctors orders, then she starts doing them without too much fuss. I have worked with PT,OT often and they told me the same thing, but easier said than done, I do hear some moans and groans at times when my mom tries to do a task, but in reality, I think it is because it takes longer for them to do things, they get easily fatigued, and frustrated. I would not stress too much on the no ones helping thing, but I would start assisting somewhat, My mother said one day she was not be taken care and she was going to report us, but we just laughed, and gave her a big hug I am with my mother 24/7 She is treated like a queen by all of us and gets the best possible care, and she sometimes says these types of things. She called her granddaughter a little---- for trying to help her with her exercises. This is definitely out of character for her. My niece just dismisses it, but I do not, when she reports the behavior to me I have a little talk with my mom. Assist your Grandma with her daily routine. Let her do some things, for example: help her put her shoes on, help her pull up her depends., but still encourage her to do a few things that are probably easier for her, she might want and need a little more attention from all of you, give her a big hug, tell her you love her. put some beautiful music on and listen together. Make her feel special. You should see a change in attitude. I think it is great you are taking care of your Grandma, it is not easy and definitely hard work, but in my opinion and from many years of experience, love , patience, and kindness all work together for a happier elder that is getting on in years with a very sad, and destructive disease. I am wishing you many blessing on your caregiving journey.

I had a similar situation with my godfather. The minute I walked in “his arms were painted on” is how I described it. He had me in literal pain trying to get him dressed, wouldn’t even point his toe to help me put underclothes or pants on....but then he would change his clothes by himself no problem if I wasn’t around. I asked for help here, 2 of his Drs and a Social Worker and it was a resounding NO STOP! Even my physiatrist (yes he drove me nuts to that point) they all said stop doing everything because it hinders his recovery and ability to have any independent mobility. So since she’s pleading for more help than she needs and doesn’t want to go to a facility, if she’s newly diagnosed then she will probably understand if you tell her she needs to go about all tasks she can or she’ll need to be placed where she has 24/7 hands on care because it’s more than you can provide.
I can also tell you I acquired a strong resentment towards mine for making me play puppet and scoffing at me in pain. This will only get worse, just as others are saying.
Ironically, I hired caregivers to help and viola...he has made a miraculous recovery with me not around doting over his every need and whim. Your mom isn’t going to get better (mine had a knee surgery) at 91.
Point is... she needs to do as much as she can for herself or you will assist in disabling her mobility and also possibly acquire a distaste for helping in the process.

Tell her what will happen if she doesn't do everything possible for herself. Knowing that she will end up in a nursing home if she becomes to weak may get her to stop.

You can see what she is capable of, so I would not listen to her goat noises when she is doing things that you know she can.

I would give her some housework to do, folding laundry, wiping counters, anything that she can safely do.

I also believe that you can tell her to stop when she is screaming for help. You don't want that to become a habit. She will make you insane with it if it does. So firmly telling her to stop screaming is appropriate and then walk away, you have to treat them like a spoiled child at times and that is difficult for you, but setting boundaries and enforcing them will help you handle her care better.

Oh yea, get use to being the bad guy that does everything wrong, it is part of the disease.

Can they sedate grandma to do the CT? Did they explain if it would be beneficial or is it just a test to say yep, she has dementia. My dad had one and I didn't get any more clarity than before the test. Doctors like to order tests that don't really tell you anything and don't have any benefits for the outcome or treatment, be sure and ask what the point is when the doctor is ordering tests.

Good luck, this is a tough disease.

You’ve got a tough situation on your hands. Yes, we don’t want them to be overly dependent but at the same time you don’t want to neglect them if they truly need help.

It’s a shame about the scan. That would tell you more.

I’m afraid I wasn’t much help but I do empathize with you. Others may be able to offer more help.

Best wishes to you and your family. This is a frustrating ordeal.