When to call Adult Protective Serices?

Where to start?

Mom is 85, her husband is 88. Mom is developing dementia. He husband has extreme anger issues.

My sister and I are stuck trying to figure out how to get them some help. At this point, my stepfather needs a 72 hour hold to be evaluated. My mother refuses to do anything. She doesn't think she needs any help and she won't take the steps that she needs to to get her husband to take his meds or get the help he needs.

His anger is so severe at this point that nobody in the family even wants to go over there.

My sister and I don't want to hurt our mother, but our stepfather's behavior is preventing her from getting the help that she needs.

Currently their doctor is not much help. He has basically thrown in the towel on our stepfather. He says he is healthy, just angry (many people do not agree with this assessment) and that he doesn't think he should drive, but that he has no reason to report him.

My mother had a follow up MRI last week and the doctor called to tell her the :good news" that she does not have a brain tumor. Good news, I agree, not that anyone every indicated that was really a concern. Beyond that he told her that he was going to give her some "memory pills" (Namenda). I asked if he scheduled any follow up appointments, she said no. I asked if he talked at all about her driving or traveling (I had told the doctor that my mother wanted to take a European cruise and he said she should not travel. He said he would talk to her about it, but he didn't) She had a visit from the VNA last week, I asked if he talked at all about that - he did not. My mother is not good about remembering to take her medication, she has lost 20 lbs because she forgets to eat and she often asks who owns the house she is staying in (it is her house).

My sister and I are not happy with the care the doctor is giving them. My stepfather is abusive. He has cornered my sister and pushed her as well as other people. He even got into an altercation with the priest at their church last week. He cannot carry on a normal conversation and yells and cusses ate virtually everyone he encounters. He was thrown out of the hospital about 5 months ago on the day that my mother had cancer surgery. Hospital security spoke to me and said that they nearly called authorities and that they were concerned for my mother's safety as well as the general public's. Their doctor and their priest, as well as many others say we need to try and get her away from him because is is compromising her health. Of course, her doctor doesn't tell her this!

Ramble, ramble... the bottom line is that we have had several people and agencies tell us that, if she continues to be in denial and he refuses to take his medication, we may have to get adult protective services involved. How do we make that call? How do we keep it from being any harder on our mother than it is going to be? How do we explain to our mother that her resistance is going to force us to this point? What is her doctor's responsibility in all of this?

Thanks for any advice you all can give!