Mom is 93, lives in assisted living, has had dementia for very many years. Assisted Living staff do what they can but it is not true nursing care 24/7. Mom is getting worse. Paranoid, sundowning, refuses most care, isolates herself in her room, talks badly of the staff, is generally miserable. Having falls, incontinent issues, refuses all meds, safety issues. She is on the waitlist for Long Term Care. She has only select few family members that have been willing to help her age. She has not been kind to her family over the years and that is putting it mildly. The few remaining are now having medical issues of their own and cannot be at her beck and call as she is demanding. Till recently, we've been able to manage, but now are unable. She will not want to go. It will be a battle. As much as she hates where she lives now (she hates everything and everyone), she will back-pedal when it comes time and say she lives in the best place ever. We are open to ideas on the best approach when the time comes. Should we be mentally preparing her now or just drop the bomb when we get the call from LTC?
Don’t tell her ahead of time . Then Tell her that her room has to be painted and she has to stay somewhere else. Or if you don’t think the paint story will fly , I like the idea below of having the staff tell Mom they can no longer provide the care she needs .
Either way , hire medical transport to take her . They will take her right in the new building rather than you dealing with drama and her refusing to get out of your car. Best money you’ll ever spend . Use Mom’s money for the transport if possible , or perhaps split the cost with siblings . It’s well worth it to decrease your own stress level over the move. This is how I got Mom into care from the hospital to assisted living .
Good Luck
Just some thoughts. It seems this move is necessary due to mom not taking meds.
If Advanced Dementia is the problem, she won’t remember the conversation the next day. If it’s mental illness she will never forget is my not a doctor experience.
Of course since she has always been difficult she most likely has both mental illness and dementia.
1) I might try telling her she will move if she doesn’t take the meds, with full intentions of moving her anyway. This to see how much of a difference it will make in her behavior to take the meds. Once you get her calmed she “might” be more reasonable.
2) If that doesn’t work, then I think I would try to get an all out focus on getting her on the meds by trying to get her in a psych hospital now. No need to wait.
I have a loved one who is mentally ill and will not take meds until it looks like she can’t escape a situation she deems worse than taking the meds.
Then on the meds she is at so much peace and so are others around her who have to deal with her. Problem for her, she’s in her 50s and out and about and soon decides she doesn’t need the meds or takes them wrong or any number of things. Your mom being in a more controlled environment might have a chance of staying in a calm state.
Try to talk to her primary about sending her for a few days to give her a chance to live her life with less agitation.
If she has to go as she is, she may be kicked out of LTC for her behavior and then what will you do? We see posters on here often with that problem.
Might be worth a conversation. If she can get on the right cocktail of drugs she might be able to manage her life in ALF a little longer and LTC when she arrives.
The mentally ill can be very difficult to help. Not intending to say all mentally ill are.
I wish you luck.
I am so sorry that she ruled with such an iron fist! You all deserved much better. Just remember, that she probably learned it from her parents. Try to break the cycle.
I would just get her where she needs to be, and continue to have short visits. That way you will not have the guilt of not visiting at all. Maybe she can’t help her behavior??? Maybe she can???
work on healing yourselves. Best of luck to you all. 🍀
Your mum is going to be unhappy wherever she is - you can't change that. It's unlikely you would be able to reconcile her to the necessary move, so there's no point in trying. It would mean your mum has longer to fight you on this and you would have a headache trying to get her round to something that she will never accept.
Explain when the time comes and endure her temper then. There's no point in prolonging it.
Good luck!
I don't know how you will move her when the time comes. If she is capable of physically fighting that might happen. Ask the people who will be taking over her care how they have handled people like this in the past. let them do it. Try to stay away from her during the move and for at least a few weeks afterwards.
Your job is not to make her happy or please her in any way. You just need her someplace safe where they will know how to care for her.
If Mom refuses to take medication that has been prescribed for her, feel free to tell her that you won't stay around and be bullied unless she does. She either takes her meds or you leave. Then go. Mom won't change, but you can. Wave goodbye and walk out.
Since Mom is 93, you are not so young yourself. Put your self-care first. You still have a life. Go live it.
P.S. - It is an amazing feeling to walk away from someone who has manipulated and abused you.
Dementia means brain cells have died / are dying.
The person inflicted is confused, scared, doesn't know the 'what or why or how' anything is happening.
You never expect a person with dementia - and who has had it for many years to agree to ... anything (why would you?)
You tell them ONLY AND ALWAYS what will keep them as calm as possible and then you do what is necessary.
You need to understand how their brain is working - or no longer working. The person with dementia will not be able to make their own decisions.
No, you don't 'mentally prepare' a person with dementia for anything.
You are talking as if they have the ability to understand and reason as 'you do,' meaning a person with their cognitive / brain functioning abilities.
She doesn't. She can't.
And, NO you DO NOT drop any bomb. You tell her you are taking her out for a nice lunch and then move her to the new place. She may or may not know it is a different environment. If she raises a fuss, which she likely will, you tell her ... whatever will appease her ...
- that you are visiting a friend there and will be back soon.
- her room is getting ready soon.
- divert her attention.
Bottom line: you need to understand that you cannot reason with her at all and you do what you have to do - and you expect her to always be angry / upset, etc., as she cannot help it. She is scared and confused.
You would benefit greatly to educate yourself by viewng: Teepa Snow's website (or call her office), watch her webinars and You Tubes and buy her books
You are re-acting in ways that will continue to frustrate you until you understand what dementia is and how to communicate with a person inflicted with it.
You cannot be afraid of their responses. This is what dementia does to a person. Although everyone is different, of course.
Your job is to keep her as calm as possible.
Gena / Touch Matters
Fight the battle when it needs to be fought, not before. I say tell her if and when the time comes that you have to move her - the "ripping off the band-aid" theory.
Moving within the same facility will be easier on her. She will probably still see some of the same staff and residents so it will be more comfortable.