When siblings both have POA but can’t agree on which assisted living mom should be placed, how is it decided?

Let me tell you a story which you can pass on to your sister.

When mom first moved out of her home, she went to an Independent Living Facility that was in HER neighborhood (so her friends could visit; none ever did) and about equidistant from one brother and me.

After about 2 years there, mom had a stroke and was sent to the ER via ambulance. Mom couldn't speak, so she just nodded in agreement with anything they asked, like "do you take insulin for diabetes?".

Be the time my brother got there an hour later, mom was being given insulin. Have you ever tried to get someeone taken OFF insulin when they've endorsed it as being on their med list? Oy!

We agreed then and there that mom needed to be 10 minutes from ONE of us from there on in. I was then 90 minutes drive from mom; I made the trip either every or every other week, depending on the weather. My brother and SIL were able to drop in several times a week.

Ignore your sister's complaints after explaining ONE MORE TIME that someone needs to be very close by for emergencies.

I think this question has answered itself. Your sister works TWO JOBS and wants her close. I can understand that. However, there is such a thing as a telephone to call your mother. Since YOU are the one who has to do everything for her mother, and she is already established where she is, I would leave her where she is so YOU can take care of her. I understand your sister wants to be involved but with two jobs, how can she? She should be glad you are doing all the work.

With your mom having dementia/Alzheimer's(as you say in your profile)the time may come sooner than you think that she will have to be moved to a memory care facility. Hopefully that is an option in the assisted living facility that she's in now.

To me it sounds like your sister is being very selfish in wanting mom near her, when it is you who does all the leg work and she works 2 jobs. She's obviously just wanting her life to be more convenient, and the heck with things being convenient for you and your mom.

When someone is suffering from any of the dementias, the worst thing you can do is to keep moving them from here to there. They do much better in surroundings that they're familiar with, and with routine, so tell sis that for now mom is where she needs to be, and that you are doing what is in the best interest of mom, and not her, as that really is the bottom line. Best wishes.

Cay5587, your sister is complaining about a problem which is only a problem for her, so beat her at her own game and provide a solution. Your sister wants to see her mother more often, and thus arrange for her to do it electronically, as millions of people around the world do:
- daily if possible, connect your sister and mom via live screen so they can see one another’s faces, and hear one another’s voices, even if they’re just “together” and not talking - we use FaceTime which comes free on iPad, or Zoom which is also free and very easy to use and works on many different devices. To accomplish this:
- buy two electronic, easy to hold tablets of some sort. In our family we all like lightweight iPads so we can FaceTime
- gift one to your sister and you carry one back and forth from your mom’s assisted living center (so it isn’t swiped by someone)
- you both must have internet access
- whenever convenient, such as your sister’s lunch break, or as she is putting on makeup in the morning, or when she is sitting on her porch at night with her feet up, obviously when you are with your mother, just press the button on your device to call her device, or have her press her button to call your device, and voila you’re connected for a long or short visit

Buying two electronic devices is going to be literally thousands of times cheaper (monetarily & in physical effort) than moving your mother to live close to your sister and far from you as daily caregiver.

As ACaringDaughter remarked one hour ago: “If you do everything just as your sister wishes, she might not be happy anyway.”

As Taarna said 40 minutes ago: “ It sounds more like your sister is not happy with her life situation. When she compares her life to yours, she feels anger.” Bingo! Sister isn’t going to be happy, no matter how many times you give in to her understandable but irrational demands, thus:

I think you need to tell your sister you’ve heard her concerns, considered logical options, and connecting with mother electronically will be the compromise (at least until sister retires, and until your mother needs more care and needs to move anyway at which time mom can move close to sister, and sister can take over the daily care).

The modern era’s electronic connection capabilities border on miraculous. Take advantage! Steel yourself against your sister’s complaints, YOU are doing virtually all the heavy lifting with your mother’s care, and it sounds like you are doing an absolutely brilliant job. Stay strong!

You have done the right thing for your mother.

Visitation is not the only need she has.

I have to run over to my mother’s MC FREQUENTLY. She is currently having fainting spells. When she is REALLY out of it, I need to go over there.

Also, she needs me to keep my eye on her caregivers. They are lovely people, but we all know that if they are thanked frequently, they will treat our Loved Ones better. Human nature. If it is possible to do it in person, all the better.

Again, you are doing the right thing by your mother. That’s my vote.

Placing her where it is more convenient for doctor visits, makes sense.
As long as the facility is taking good care of her.
I think the wisest decision was made.
With dementia to move her now would probably do more harm than good if it is only to get her closer to your sister.

I don't think the issue truly is your mom's placement. It sounds more like your sister is not happy with her life situation. When she compares her life to yours, she feels anger.

May I suggest that you and your sister engage a counsellor for some mediation counselling and outlining a plan of care for your mom for health issues. I would also suggest you read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud to come up with a plan to handle your sister's hostile comments.

At this point do what’s best for your mom.

My husbands family was in total disagreement. Oldest was power playing …male, oldest…yayadadayada Family totally split. No repair! Honest communication goes a long way .

It might be a good idea to hire a family mediator (or get a disinterested 3rd party like your mother's pastor) to help you decide what is best for your mom. For both of you to agree that the mediator's decision will be final.

https://apfmnet.org/frequently-asked-questions-about-family-mediation/

Well. I can see both points of view.

Fortunately neither of you is terribly far from your mother whichever location you finally finally finally decide on!

To be your sister's advocate - she's working 2 jobs, you're retired = you've got more free time to fit a one and a half hour round trip into than she has. And a 45 minute drive, although it's not on the doorstep, isn't so far that you can't be there within the hour if you're needed.

How do the facilities themselves compare?

Does your mother have an opinion?