What do I do when my siblings are neglecting my Dad and I can't take him?

Hey there Kimk - if anyone here can relate to your situation, it's me. I am the mother of a 22 yr old son with sever autism. My baby is completely non-verbal and functions at about a 2 yr old level. My sons biological father, whom we refer to as "the donor" went back to Australia, where he was from, when my son was about 1 1/2 years old. My son had a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy at the time - which turned out to be a minor case but at about 2 yrs old I got the autism diagnosis. The Donor said he couldn't handle a disabled child - we had a crap marriage anyhow so while being a single mother of a disabled child terrified me, him leaving was actually was a good thing. I then met the most amazing man when my son was five and we married three years later - he then adopted my son. I would have never made it, those few years as a single mom if it weren't for my own father. Daddy and I were very close - I lost him three years ago this past July. Sorry about giving my life story here but I wanted you to know I get it - totally - as to why you can't take care of both your son and your father. I hope you don't feel guilt over it, if your son is anything like mine, well - you've got a full plate. My son is very gentle and sweet - very well behaved but it took an enormous amount of devoted time and effort to raise him that way. I've been looking after my mom for five years along with my dad the first two of those years. I'm lucky that they had/have the resources to hire help and have never had to live with their adult children. But even so my mom is beyond difficult - we recently had to move her into a NH. She keeps trying to get me to let her move in with us - never gonna happen. I have DPOA. I also have two older brothers - one barely participates in moms life the other only recently began to help out, prior to that his participation consisted of visiting roughly twice a month when it was convenient. So here's where I finally get to you and your question: my now participating brother use to backseat drive me - questioning, bossing around, critising, when he felt like it - seldom knowing what the h*ll he was talking about. It drove me nutz, hurt me and made me angry. My feelings were and are - if your not doing it yourself or even helping out, you don't get to criticize. While you are concerned about your dad and your sister, you aren't the one doing the work so it's fair to say you don't get to manage how the work gets done. If dad gets removed from your sister he may land back with you. I'm am absolutely not saying to accept any ill treatment or neglect of your dad - but give it a chance. If you want to call APS have your documented evidence and more importantly have a Plan B.

You're right. You do have to do what's best for your own family, for your son. You've passed the torch to your sister. You can't have it both ways. You're either in or your out. As you said, there is only 1 of you and your son needs you. If your sister isn't capable of caring for your dad then someone is going to have to find him alternative arrangements. Placing your dad with your sister and then calling Adult Protective Services on her is a real roundabout way of doing things. If he's not safe there he shouldn't be there. Did you not know about the fake eyelashes and tanning before placing your dad with your sister?

Stop trying to "save the situation". Do what you can do with what you have and let the rest go. It's difficult to step in to try to fix the situation and then step back out and say you're not involved. You either are or you're not involved.

Where does your father want to live? It's actually up to him.

And please think about Rainmom's answer really carefully. I know it's really hard to get past the incredible stress and anxiety of the situation, but she's speaking from experience and she's absolutely on the money. Best of luck, take deep breaths.