A lady that does transitioning everyday is who I’m hiring, to take mom moving day... so she will not see the movers, or see me packing some of her things, and she will take her and her doggie up where she’ll be.... for lunch. Then I will try to go in and make her room as nice as I can for when she walks in... I’m SO nervous about that moment! I’m giving her our microwave, to heat her coffee (which she LOVES) I’m sending our small 19” refrigerator (keep creamer and dog food in) and also her Keurig code machine to be in her room along with my TV so she can continue to watch her soap operas she so dearly loves. Coffee and soap operas and her dog hoping these things I’ll give her a sense of comfort. I’ve held out living and taking care of her for the past couple years of dementia and I’m all alone doing it. She won’t go to daycare and gets mad when I bring in caregiver’s when I need to do something more than three or four hours. But I do that anyway. It’s just getting too overwhelming for me and stressful. Plus she has no interaction much with people her own age. Since I am the daughter she doesn’t listen to anything I say she’s very unsteady and a high fall risk. The doctor told her to use her walker 24 seven. Does she? No only to walk the dog outside. She won’t even use a cane and is very very unsteady when she gets up to go to bed just makes me a nervous wreck I’ve done my best taking care of my mom for the past 12 or 13 years ...living with her and taking care of everything for her now Dementia is in the mix the past 2 yrs, and is getting worse. Sometimes I just go in my room and cry. I have no life other than this. I’m now 68. Missed out on my mid 50,s and most of my 60’s, and it’s always been about her. But I’m trying to stay strong and keep the plan to surprise move her very soon. Is this wrong doing it this way? Otherwise I know she’d be mad and would refuse to go.... just makes me sad.
It sounds to me as though you are terrified of your mom's disapproval.
So what if your mom gets mad? You know that being in a good facility with socialization and dozens of eyes watching her is what she needs, right? You DO know that she'll fall no matter what you do, right?
So do the right thing and stop worrying about her approval. Parents are supposed to rear and train up their kids and then let them go, not keep them chained up by guilt and fear of disapproval.
She will ignore all the nice little touches you’ve done in her new place. Hopefully she won’t be like my mom and throw them out the door.
Don't be a “helicopter” daughter. She will be safe and cared for. You don’t need to be there for hours every single day. Give the staff a chance to get to know her and her to know them. If you’re always there, it won’t happen. When you do visit her, if she is in a particularly foul, accusatory mood, smile, say “I’ll come back when you’re in a better mood, Mom.” And leave. Whatever you do, don’t commiserate about what a terrible daughter you are. Be brave. You’re doing the best you can.
That, unfortunately, will not stop your heart plummeting as you imagine the big day itself; the confusion, the reproaches she levels at you (whether or not she really does or you just feel she must be doing), your sense of having "betrayed" her (even though you are doing the opposite, as a matter of objective fact).
What you have to do is remember something else. Remember that the calmer you are, the better you take this in your stride, the easier it will be for your mother. I am very glad that you have had the foresight to enlist support from an experienced professional. Take your cue from her.
You’re giving her her own apartment (and about time, too). This sounds like the RIGHT thing to do. She’s not trapped or anything, she’s just in her own place. Kudos to you for all those years you’ve done, she’s a very lucky lady. I have all the same intimidation things with my mom, they’re going to try to use all their power over you because they FEEL vulnerable, that’s not on you and it’s not true either. She’s safe.
Good luck, this sounds like a great change! 💐
I felt the same when I moved my mom 400 miles to my city six months after dad passed. I was totally afraid of her anger and accusations. We both survived that phase because I kept telling myself of something someone on the site once wrote: who should be making these decisions...the one with dementia or the one with rational reasoning and problem solving skills.
I was determine to ensure my mom's safety while maintaining my own life. I was not going to sacrifice my well being for her disease. Comments from folks here gave me the courage to make the right decision, weather the initial difficulties, and create and sustain a meaningful care manager relationship with my mom.
Hugs to you.
I've been a caretaker and I think you are simply amazing at the time and effort you have put into your Mom's transition .
I believe . from what you've said that you really are doing what you would want done for you .
The codependency has gone on too long .
Blame nobody , it matters not now . Happy is what matters .
If she is not happy at her new home , it is ok .
Be happy anyway .
You have more than paid your dues friend .
I am 67 this month myself and have given many years to raising 6 children as well as building a business and helping others and working with private clients who have dementia , alzheimers .
I am now retired and for the first time in my life I have to figure out what to do with my time besides work lol !
Ask your transition help to show you someone who is/was similiar to your Mom in behavior who lives there now and spend a few min. with that person observing , helping perhaps to get a feel of how they are .
Since I do not know the dementia / alzheimer stage of behavior she is in like you do it is difficult to tell you her reaction .
She has 95 yrs of habits that she will feel uncomfortable not being able to do . ( but you cannot give her everything , she will adjust as much as one can at that age )
The bathroom tissue , where it's been , the window she always looks out , the sounds she is used to hearing . All are very hard to duplicate since you cannot know what it is like to be her .
Just remember , you are now the parent .
This is a child you absolutely love with all your heart .
You have to do what is best for her , even when she is unhappy about it , as she did for you growing up and through the years .
Having been a private caretaker of people not my own family , I can tell you that often , in even their own home , they will be sad and want to go home .
I take time to help them in such a way as to hand them a favorite handkerchief , see a favorite blanket put on her bed .
Also ask her dr for help to allow her to not fear too much .
If she has other issues , insist she gets correct help since often nursing home drs simply put certain patients on certain meds that are , well , cheap for nursing home budgets .
You are such a good planner you may have already thought about all this .
Please feel free to let me know if you find things are out of control ?
I am lynn Collver on FB . Always happy to help if I can .
Your Momma raised such a good child ( you ) that I know you'll do just fine . Your work with and for Momma has gone on long enough . You are correct , it is past time to own your own time .
If you need to ,ask your dr for something to help anxiety in her and you NOW . ( it will be normal to have this but it is not needed ) Your description tells that both depression and anxiety are a battle in your life and hers . Get help now so you can be happier .
Your old habits with Momma may cause anxiety as well as hers with you .
For me , I would trust God and the nursing home and take the break I need . Momma will be fine . ( hopefully your state/country allows you to have a security camera in her room so you can ck how she is really treated )
Seeing you will help if she recognizes you still but I would do it less and less until it was down to one day or two a week . If she does not remember visits she may tell others you never visit anyway lol , I promise you !
I have a suggestion I read to help prevent someone from complaining that their family never visits. Keep a guest book and ask everyone to write not only their name, but any activities they did and any important observations. This way, the staff and anyone she complains to can look at the log book and remind her of who visits and what they did together. Maybe she could even read it herself to bring comfort. Visitors could write encouraging message for her to rediscover.
She stayed about six weeks, pitched such a fit my brother ended up moving her out and back to her old place where she is adamant she is going to stay there until she dies. Too bad for him that he didn’t cooperate with me and get her moved in permanently. Now he sees she can’t live alone and he wants to put her in assisted living. She ain’t having no part of it.
Do what you have to do! My blessings from another only daughter who has “been there done that.”
That she is aware of her surroundings is a two edged sword- she will HATE to be taken away from what is familiar, and will HATE her new quarters because they will be different from what she had, BUT if she is welcomed by one or more nice people, gets something good to eat, observes social activities she might enjoy, and makes friends, or any combination of those components, you’ll be able to “Yes but.....” her when she complains.
I did a semi-surprise- we went for a respite visit, then decided we couldn’t find any plausible way to provide for her care in her home, in which she’d been born almost 90 years before.
Bittersweet? Terrible. But inevitable and necessary. I love that we’re 5 minutes away and I can see her every single day. She loves the brisket. The rest we’re taking one day at a time.
Don’t guilt yourself one bit. They’re ALL lousy choices, and you were brave enough to make one.
The car? Brother did all the talking and took the key. I was just there, in the background. On the way out I suggested disabling it because I knew she had a second key somewhere. Next day - calls accusing ME of taking the key and demanding I return it. I could honestly say I did not touch it. When she says who did, I just replied 'You're so smart, you figure it out' and hung up. Day two - even NASTIER call to me telling me to come fix whatever I did to her car... Again I could honestly say 'I did not touch your car'. Point being that even though I did nothing, I got all the blame.
I told my brothers on move day THEY can handle it, I wanted no part of it, but figured I would get the blame anyway. So far (just over year and a half now) I skated on this one!!! :-D
You have done more than your share of caregiving - I hope you do something [or several] for yourself now as a reward [like a spa day, a cleaning crew to get your house back order, a small trip] - don't feel guilty [as many do] because you haven't done anything wrong rather it is the circumstances of the situation that has forced your hand + your desire to keep your sanity - we are supposed to honour our parents not sacrifice our whole lives to them -
Be aware you will need a period of adjustment to your new existence which has revolved around her so much - there could be a tendency to stay at home 'in case they call' but resist this & promise yourself that you will do something new at least twice a week for about 6 weeks - you'll meet new people & possibly hook up with old friends but you will be seeing things you might like to continue with more - good luck
It sounds like you have done a lot of planning and that's good. What type of place is she going? You say that her dementia is getting worse. I just wonder if she is able to handle using microwave, preparing coffee, providing dog care, etc. I'd just keep in mind that that's a lot for a person with dementia to manage. Does she have help at the facility with it?
The other thing that I would consider, since you are concerned about her being content with the move, is that a person with dementia is quite likely to be unhappy wherever they live. They could be living in their own home and still be discontented, miserable and demanding to go home, eventually. I hope that can bring you some comfort. I hope things work out well with the transition.
For you see, we do EVERYTHING for our parents!
Sometimes a person cannot be cared for in their own or children's homes but adamantly refuse to consider going anywhere else. It usually comes down to "trick" them, or drag them kicking and screaming out of the house. I would prefer the "trick" method - most of us have to make the decision to do this move, not because we really want to, but because it has gone way beyond being difficult to continue caring for the person. Their safety and well-being along with the care-giver's safety and well-being have to be considered.
If you have something useful to add, by all means add it.
For me, its helpful to think of when I was raising my daughters. I had to make difficult decisions on their behalf that I understood they not only would not like but that they wouldn't understand. I did it because it was the best thing for them. There were times when I had to simply say 'I know you don't understand but I love you and this is the best thing for you even if, in the beginning, doesn't feel like it."
It sounds like its past time for you to let go and do what's best for the both of you. Your mother may not be happy and that is understandable - no one likes change or to feel as if they've lost control of making decisions but that is the way life is for many of us.
If it helps...you can think of it as your Mom has lived a long life and had the care of a caring daughter it is not unfair for you to hope to have the freedom and relief you deserve at 68 and the simple truth is none of us are able to deal with a loved one with progressive dementia.
As for doing it the way you're doing it...? Does it really matter now? She is not going to be willing either way. It may sound selfish to some people but I believe you have done what is best for her for a long time; if your method of 'surprising' her makes this unhappy situation easier for you there is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you're doing as much as possible to make her new home comfortable and familiar. Give yourself credit for the work you've done, the sacrifices you've made and then rest knowing you did what you could when you could and that's all any of us can do.
Take care and know that many of us do and have lived your same circumstances.
We had to come up with a "plan" to get mom moved. For years she went to all the local ALs free lunches, and commented on how nice they were. She also often would say she needed to do this or that, in case I have to "get outta here", meaning move to AL. When the time came that I told my brothers she cannot stay alone, we tried suggesting a move, either to AL or in with one of us (preferably not me, I could not care for her and she could not get in/out with full stairs at all entry points), or have aides come in. The aides only lasted a few months before she refused to let them in. She refused my brothers and was ADAMANT that she would NOT move to AL. We started shopping for a place in the meantime.
For the move, I suggested my brother mess with the heat (wi-fi access, move-in was planned Jan 3), too high one day, too cool the next, then tell her the system is broken, we have to move you temporarily while we get parts ordered and arrange a replacement. I thought this was a great idea - plan it as a temporary move and keep telling her we're waiting for parts or the plumber, etc. She would not remember how many days had gone by. It would almost seem like her decision, because of necessity. Her move was delayed several days because she developed cellulitis just prior, so younger brother typed up a phony letter from "Elder Services" at the hospital, telling her because of her condition she either moves where we choose or where they choose. OOOOooo was she madder than a wet hen!! She went but complained to the brothers the whole time. I stayed away for I think it was 2 weeks. I never got the blame and she always pestered my younger brother about taking her back, not me! She would even say 'Funny you showed up, I am going to tell him to take me home tonight when he gets here' (he was not even coming to visit that night.) The "funny" part is I was standing right there, but she did not ask ME to take her home!!! YIPPEE!!!
After about 9 months, home became the previous house they had AND she often asks me to take her to her mother's place (!?!?! gone 40 years!?!?!) She sometimes (not too often) is still a little confused about where her room is or if we return from an appointment doesn't know what "this" place is (doesn't often see the outside of it, so understandable.)
It has been a little over a year and a half now. She is safe, eats well (maybe a little too many ice cream bars = 20lbs gained, which she did not need!), is well cared for, has a few preferred "friends" and we don't have to worry about her living alone. So, on some level she has "adjusted". They did (without consulting me, which I was not pleased about) get her Lorazepam during that initial transition. I don't know how much they used, but there was no refill (we recently got Rx for more, because UTI caused severe sundowning, but it is only to be used "As needed", not every day.)
Anyway, do not feel guilty for the move OR for having to "trick" her. You've done your due diligence and deserve to recoup some of your life back! Plan your next moves based on how she react(s/ed) to the move. If she flips out, I would suggest holding off on the visits. If not, play it by ear. If she starts complaining or asking to go home, fluff her off and try changing the subject or leave. When mom asks for a ride to her mother's, I usually just look at my watch and say mmm, not tonight, it's a little too late and it is not on my way home, maybe tomorrow - she'll just say ok. Gives her hope and then she forgets until the next time! Then change subject or focus - hey mom, you want a cup of coffee? Oh yeah, sounds good!
You will feel guilt, there's no way around it, but don't beat yourself up!
My sister would send my Dad Thank you letters from a church for donations to their shelter. My Dad had his whole apartment filled with old stained stinky clothes. It was the only way we could get some things out of there so he had a bigger path to walk through. He refused to let anyone take anything to Goodwill or Salvation Army.
It it took us years to get him into a safe place. It took some trickery because, as the doctor said, “No one who is confused thinks they are confused.” He would have been much happier going to assisted living first, but his stubbornness prevented that. He has ended up in a nursing home for a variety of reasons. He still thinks he is going back to his apartment after Christmas.
Part of it is letting go of being the primary caregiver. We get used to it, maybe like it and now there are others who have that role. We become 'less important' in one sense and sometimes the visits aren't pleasant but we will always do the best we can for them. There were less calls for awhile as she got used to having company at meals and didn't depend on me for all her companionship. But then she got afraid when she was alone, ... anyway, that's another issue..
Don't give up any more of your life - they will take as much as you give and still demand more. Mine never says thank you or demonstrates any sort of gratitude for anything. I get demands for bringing this or that, chastised for bringing the wrong product or whatever. She's afraid of dying and the loss of independence was a huge issue for her that she still grapples with. She will not ask for help, she's fallen - because she tries to do stuff on her own - and the last fall really impacted her. She is much weaker ... it took me a long time to accept her decision to not ask for help. The manager at the AL explained to me that to my mom, her privacy was a key element of her quality of life and if we force her to sacrifice her privacy, she may live longer but her quality of life would be compromised. I'm only saying this because when your mom moves to AL, there'll be a whole new set of challenges and decisions, some of which you may not be comfortable with but are in your mom's best interest. It's hard not to want to put a bubble around them and keep them safe. Hang in there - it'll be difficult at first but I think your mom will like being at AL because she won't be afraid of anything happening and not being able to have someone to help her.