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A lady that does transitioning everyday is who I’m hiring, to take mom moving day... so she will not see the movers, or see me packing some of her things, and she will take her and her doggie up where she’ll be.... for lunch. Then I will try to go in and make her room as nice as I can for when she walks in... I’m SO nervous about that moment! I’m giving her our microwave, to heat her coffee (which she LOVES) I’m sending our small 19” refrigerator (keep creamer and dog food in) and also her Keurig code machine to be in her room along with my TV so she can continue to watch her soap operas she so dearly loves. Coffee and soap operas and her dog hoping these things I’ll give her a sense of comfort. I’ve held out living and taking care of her for the past couple years of dementia and I’m all alone doing it. She won’t go to daycare and gets mad when I bring in caregiver’s when I need to do something more than three or four hours. But I do that anyway. It’s just getting too overwhelming for me and stressful. Plus she has no interaction much with people her own age. Since I am the daughter she doesn’t listen to anything I say she’s very unsteady and a high fall risk. The doctor told her to use her walker 24 seven. Does she? No only to walk the dog outside. She won’t even use a cane and is very very unsteady when she gets up to go to bed just makes me a nervous wreck I’ve done my best taking care of my mom for the past 12 or 13 years ...living with her and taking care of everything for her now Dementia is in the mix the past 2 yrs, and is getting worse. Sometimes I just go in my room and cry. I have no life other than this. I’m now 68. Missed out on my mid 50,s and most of my 60’s, and it’s always been about her. But I’m trying to stay strong and keep the plan to surprise move her very soon. Is this wrong doing it this way? Otherwise I know she’d be mad and would refuse to go.... just makes me sad.

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Prepare yourself for the fact that Mom will be livid when she realizes what you’ve done. Like my mom, she will say you did it “to” her and not for her. You will be overcome with guilt and will post here asking if we think you did the right thing. You did.

She will ignore all the nice little touches you’ve done in her new place. Hopefully she won’t be like my mom and throw them out the door.

Don't be a “helicopter” daughter. She will be safe and cared for. You don’t need to be there for hours every single day. Give the staff a chance to get to know her and her to know them. If you’re always there, it won’t happen. When you do visit her, if she is in a particularly foul, accusatory mood, smile, say “I’ll come back when you’re in a better mood, Mom.” And leave. Whatever you do, don’t commiserate about what a terrible daughter you are. Be brave. You’re doing the best you can.
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shb1964 Aug 6, 2018
I will heed your advice as well - or attempt to - when it's my turn. Skywatchr2, I feel for you. My mom is 84 and my sister and I are doing all this together, so I have that support but other than that, our situations have a lot in common. You deserve to enjoy this time of your life. I am able to distance myself more easily from Mom than my sister can. I keep thinking I need to save my sister from herself. Ahmijoy's advice here can help both of us with that. Good luck to you.
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I just read your other posts about your mom.

It sounds to me as though you are terrified of your mom's disapproval.

So what if your mom gets mad? You know that being in a good facility with socialization and dozens of eyes watching her is what she needs, right? You DO know that she'll fall no matter what you do, right?

So do the right thing and stop worrying about her approval. Parents are supposed to rear and train up their kids and then let them go, not keep them chained up by guilt and fear of disapproval.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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You are making the right decision. Hold tight to that thought, because sometimes it won't feel like it - but you *are.* Your mother will be supported by a whole team of people, instead of one overstretched and overstressed one. She will have her dog, her coffee - all the small-but-crucial everyday things that make her feel secure in her life. And as her care needs increase, as they inevitably will, the additional help will already be in place without the need for major disruptions to her routine or her surroundings. You have *all* the reasoning on your side.

That, unfortunately, will not stop your heart plummeting as you imagine the big day itself; the confusion, the reproaches she levels at you (whether or not she really does or you just feel she must be doing), your sense of having "betrayed" her (even though you are doing the opposite, as a matter of objective fact).

What you have to do is remember something else. Remember that the calmer you are, the better you take this in your stride, the easier it will be for your mother. I am very glad that you have had the foresight to enlist support from an experienced professional. Take your cue from her.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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You are a wonderful daughter who is doing the right thing to ensure the safety and well being of your mother. It is time.

I felt the same when I moved my mom 400 miles to my city six months after dad passed. I was totally afraid of her anger and accusations. We both survived that phase because I kept telling myself of something someone on the site once wrote: who should be making these decisions...the one with dementia or the one with rational reasoning and problem solving skills.

I was determine to ensure my mom's safety while maintaining my own life. I was not going to sacrifice my well being for her disease. Comments from folks here gave me the courage to make the right decision, weather the initial difficulties, and create and sustain a meaningful care manager relationship with my mom.

Hugs to you.
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Reply to jjmummert
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You’ve done a great job caring for your mom, and you’ll continue to do that in overseeing her care in her new, safer, more secure environment. I hope you’ll move past the guilt and onto being proud of the care you’ve given. Your mom is blessed to have you, and of her brain wasn’t ravaged by disease I’d bet she’d know that. Perhaps on some level she still does
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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MY MOM FOUND OUT WHEN I DROVE IN THE NURSING HOME'S DRIVE WAY - she said she didn't like it before she got out of car but by the time I left she was saying she that it was quite nice - however my fib was that she was there until she got 'better' [which she never would] so because she had been in rehab before she just took it as that - we went in the day before to make it homey as she was coming from a hospital

You have done more than your share of caregiving - I hope you do something [or several] for yourself now as a reward [like a spa day, a cleaning crew to get your house back order, a small trip] - don't feel guilty [as many do] because you haven't done anything wrong rather it is the circumstances of the situation that has forced your hand + your desire to keep your sanity - we are supposed to honour our parents not sacrifice our whole lives to them -

Be aware you will need a period of adjustment to your new existence which has revolved around her so much - there could be a tendency to stay at home 'in case they call' but resist this & promise yourself that you will do something new at least twice a week for about 6 weeks - you'll meet new people & possibly hook up with old friends but you will be seeing things you might like to continue with more - good luck
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Reply to moecam
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Hi ,

I've been a caretaker and I think you are simply amazing at the time and effort you have put into your Mom's transition .

I believe . from what you've said that you really are doing what you would want done for you .
The codependency has gone on too long .
Blame nobody , it matters not now . Happy is what matters .
If she is not happy at her new home , it is ok .
Be happy anyway .

You have more than paid your dues friend .
I am 67 this month myself and have given many years to raising 6 children as well as building a business and helping others and working with private clients who have dementia , alzheimers .

I am now retired and for the first time in my life I have to figure out what to do with my time besides work lol !

Ask your transition help to show you someone who is/was similiar to your Mom in behavior who lives there now and spend a few min. with that person observing , helping perhaps to get a feel of how they are .

Since I do not know the dementia / alzheimer stage of behavior she is in like you do it is difficult to tell you her reaction .

She has 95 yrs of habits that she will feel uncomfortable not being able to do . ( but you cannot give her everything , she will adjust as much as one can at that age )

The bathroom tissue , where it's been , the window she always looks out , the sounds she is used to hearing . All are very hard to duplicate since you cannot know what it is like to be her .

Just remember , you are now the parent .

This is a child you absolutely love with all your heart .

You have to do what is best for her , even when she is unhappy about it , as she did for you growing up and through the years .

Having been a private caretaker of people not my own family , I can tell you that often , in even their own home , they will be sad and want to go home .
I take time to help them in such a way as to hand them a favorite handkerchief , see a favorite blanket put on her bed .

Also ask her dr for help to allow her to not fear too much .

If she has other issues , insist she gets correct help since often nursing home drs simply put certain patients on certain meds that are , well , cheap for nursing home budgets .

You are such a good planner you may have already thought about all this .

Please feel free to let me know if you find things are out of control ?
I am lynn Collver on FB . Always happy to help if I can .
Your Momma raised such a good child ( you ) that I know you'll do just fine . Your work with and for Momma has gone on long enough . You are correct , it is past time to own your own time .

If you need to ,ask your dr for something to help anxiety in her and you NOW . ( it will be normal to have this but it is not needed ) Your description tells that both depression and anxiety are a battle in your life and hers . Get help now so you can be happier .

Your old habits with Momma may cause anxiety as well as hers with you .

For me , I would trust God and the nursing home and take the break I need . Momma will be fine . ( hopefully your state/country allows you to have a security camera in her room so you can ck how she is really treated )

Seeing you will help if she recognizes you still but I would do it less and less until it was down to one day or two a week . If she does not remember visits she may tell others you never visit anyway lol , I promise you !
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JuliaRose Aug 6, 2018
Such a beautiful message, LynninIowa.

I have a suggestion I read to help prevent someone from complaining that their family never visits. Keep a guest book and ask everyone to write not only their name, but any activities they did and any important observations. This way, the staff and anyone she complains to can look at the log book and remind her of who visits and what they did together. Maybe she could even read it herself to bring comfort. Visitors could write encouraging message for her to rediscover.
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I hope your mother's move worked out well for you. You did all the right things. It's good you knew about the lady who does transitioning. In my case, our hospice team initiated the transition and helped me through getting my husband set in the nursing home.
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Reply to arianne777
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No you are not wrong or bad for doing this. I did it when my mom was staying with me after a hip fracture. I had been taking care of her for months through two hospitalizations for 2 surgeries and rehab after each surgery. She is diabetic. She was falling, not using walker. I had a pre-planned trip to go on. Knowing she was not ready to go back home I took her to an independent living community that I had been scoping out for a year (knowing the day would come when she would need it). We had lunch and I left her there, came back and got her belongings and moved her in to a respite room already furnished.

She stayed about six weeks, pitched such a fit my brother ended up moving her out and back to her old place where she is adamant she is going to stay there until she dies. Too bad for him that he didn’t cooperate with me and get her moved in permanently. Now he sees she can’t live alone and he wants to put her in assisted living. She ain’t having no part of it.

Do what you have to do! My blessings from another only daughter who has “been there done that.”
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When my sister and I walked our mom from her senior living apartment to the Memory Care unit I nearly passed out. When she saw us heading to the locked doors, she turned and looked at me with a deer in the headlights look. The staff all rushed to meet her and introduce themselves. They asked us to not come back for four (I think it was) days. She adjusted well. Hardly ever complained. Within weeks, she told me about a conversation she had with another resident. The lady had told her "We have everything we need right here". She repeated it often. It had been important to her that we (her daughters) did not have to care for her.
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