My parents, age 89, are both living in their home and refusing to hire professional help. My father has Parkinson's and my mother has rheumatoid arthritis and dementia. There are 5 kids with 2 living fairly close (within 30 miles). We are all trying to do the best that we can to keep them in their home as that is their desire. The problem is that this is becoming more difficult with each passing day. Daddy has difficulty at this point getting up and down and falling on a regular basis. He has difficulty dressing and we are seeing him becoming more confused on a regular basis. My mother has been having difficulty remembering things for quite some time and is getting worse everyday. She is crippled with arthritis and has difficulty walking because of the pain. When we talk to them about bringing in professional help my mother refuses. When we realized that Momma was forgetting to eat and would not let Daddy in the kitchen to eat, or if she did cook she had forgotten how long the food had been in the refrigerator and was serving spoiled food, we brought meals on wheels in 3 times a week which was a fight to get done as Mother did not like it. My brother goes down every other day to check on them, however he has had a stroke and very limited with his abilities. I go down every weekend and buy groceries, take prepared food and clean their home. I take them to the Doctor only for them not to take the medicine prescribed. My other siblings come when they can. In the last two weeks I have been called to the house from work three times, which is 2 hours away. Each time was because they were confused and scared. In their minds they feel like they can take care of themselves and when we discuss bringing someone in to help we are met with a brick wall. I truly feel that because us kids have stepped in to do whatever we can to allow them to stay at home, has created this problem. We have requested that they come live with one of us kids, they refuse, however they want us to come move in with them. Which is not an option at this time. It seems that during the crisis they accept that they need help, then when the crisis is over they decide they do not need the help. My fear is that us helping them so much is creating their inability to see the need for professional help.
I found out I was doing the very same thing with my own parents, who in their 90's didn't want to move to Independent Living. Secretly I think my Dad did, but Mom ruled the household. And no caregivers were allowed nor cleaning crews.
One idea is for you and your siblings to have a meeting. Each one writes down everything, and I mean everything, that they do for your parents. Now take that list and cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more. Stick to the list. And practice saying to your parents "No, I can't possibly do that".
It's time for your parents to budget caregivers and cleaning help to come into the home. Or move into Independent Living, one which offers extra care if needed. Usually IL will have once a week housekeeping and linen service.
Oh how I wished I had known about enabling, as it was a long 7 years as I am an only child. The stress has done damage to my health.