When is it time to walk away and leave Mom on her own?

Hugs, Trinnie.

Because you don't mention dementia as being an issue, I can offer this comfort: your mother is not angry with you. She is angry that she needs residential care.

But you can deduce that she accepts the fact: if she really thought she'd do better at home, if she was hell-bent on getting back there, no one could actually stop her!

im living with the same problem. My mom lived independently and now requires help. Made a lot of changes in her home so she can continue to live independently but she also keeps falling. Broken a few bones. I dread doing my everyday check ins fearing I would find her dead. I prayed for an answer and help. Recently she had an episode with congestive heart failure, she was sent to a nursing home/rehab after discharge from hospital to regain her strength. She is now a resident there. I couldn’t bring her home with the life she had before she went in the hospital. She is angry at me. But I know she is safe. I feel guilty and horrible but I keep telling myself.. she is alive. Before all this, I have to say.. my mom lied to me. She always said that if things got bad, get help, have someone come in. I tried. She said NO. I would beg and plead with her and she didn’t care how taking care of her affected me. I felt she was being selfish and I resented her for it.

Have you considered hanging a curtain over the doorway? If the curtain rod is long enough, the curtain won't block the door at all.

She still gets privacy, heat stays in the bathroom, and you can get in if she falls. It only takes a few minutes to put up and see how it works out.

Can you put up a railing along the wall that she can use for balance?

Hang a curtain in the doorway...

I can relate well to your situation as I moved my 87 1/2 yo mother into our house in mid December. My mother does not want to go into a nursing home and I don’t want her to either. I think we both have PTSD from my dad’s experience and death in a nursing hone.

My mother is very demanding and thinks she knows best but she also knows she can no longer care for herself with respect to talking he oral medications and insulin correctly.

My stipulation for my mother living independently was that she had to use her walker at all times and be able to take her medications correctly. I told her as did her internist that she is one hip fracture away from going into a nursing. This has helped decrease her “furniture walking”, using objects to assist with walking. Very dangerous!!!

My mother is at the point in her life where her husband is deceased, her house is gone, a majority of her things (furniture etc) are gone, and she’s in end stage heart failure. She has lost her power and is trying to hold onto the things she can still control and sometimes that comes out sideways in the forms of irritability and bossiness.

I acknowledge the sadness, fear, and loss my mother feels and talk with her on how difficult it must be for her. I can maintain my boundaries and still treat her with kindness and respect.

I know the woman who is living with us is my mother but she’s not the same mother I grew up with, she’s gone.

Be conscious of the fact your mother is trying to make you feel guilty for not putting the door back on the bathroom by telling you to pack you bags. Stay firm, kind, and respectful and remember you are doing what you need to do to keep her safe.

I’m a physical therapist and have treated a lot of patients after their “furniture walking” fractures.

Good luck!

Dear Mom's 2nd Daughter,

I hear and deeply feel your anguish, pain, frustration, and struggle to hold on. I have been taking care of my aunt for one year and have now been going once a week instead of living with her. I just couldn't take it when she got uti's and wouldn't take her medicine, called the police in the night, wouldn't eat or drink, locked caregivers out. She insisted that she could take care of herself. I was where you are and felt I was literally losing my mind. Couldn't eat, sleep, think of anything but her. So so so stressful.
Finally she was hospitalized for two falls within 12 hours. I cried bc I was so thankful that finally I would get help. The doctors declared her non-decisional and said she could not return home. She was taken by ambulance to a nursing home. Again I cried. Finally someone else would be responsible. Well, she began to regain her strength, was uncooperative, threatened suicide (!) (never ever spoke like that), ranted over the phone that I was the only one who could help her and that I could just live with it if she killed herself. Five days of this unrelenting DEMAND to go home. She was stronger than in a long while because she was actually eating (weighs 92 pounds). Finally the doctor said taking her home was a disaster waiting to happen but if she were to be released, things would have to change. She would have to wear the alert button, have someone check on her daily, and accept meals on wheels. She immediately agreed to all. Within 5 minutes of getting home, she yelled (not like her at all) that she would not wear the alert button, refused to have the home health care workers come, and would not eat the unhealthy meals on wheels food. I decided to live on her terms. She is now living on her own and I continue to go for a whole day once a week but no longer do everything. She has memory issues is quite confused regarding finances but refuses to allow me to help. I understand. It's letting go of control and of her life in a way. So I am just friendly, loving, attentive, but I go home.
I know my situation is different bc I no longer live with her, but the strain and danger to our own health is the same. I still don't sleep well and still think of her constantly. It's like having PTSD.
Best wishes.

Thank you lealonnie for bringing up about the Fire department and ambulance coming out to my mothers house. The fireman called me and told me I needed to come out and clean up her house!! He also said he was out to her house 10 years ago and it still looked the same.

I told him he was free to start throwing things out and see what happens with my mother. I also told him it hasn’t been 10 years that her house looked like that, it was 20 years!!! She started hoarding after my father died in 1998.

The fireman said he was calling APS. I told him go ahead. See what happens when you do. NOTHING will happen.

So the next time my mother called 911 they came prepared with 2 free smoke detectors and one carbon monoxide detector that the fireman installed for her.

Even they realized they could only do so much. That was the best they could do.

So please walk away when you are in this position. Try to get your LO placed so you don’t have to worry about falls or a stroke. I even tried to get me mother meals on wheels because you have to answer the door. They would have called me or 911 if she didn’t answer the door.

But once again, she refused meals on wheals. It didn’t even cost much. It was cheaper than groceries!!

I forgot to mention that customers at the grocery store would literally hand her 5.00 or 10.00 dollars because they thought she was homeless. She looked homeless. She would eat at a cafe in the grocery store and a customer would come up to her and pay for her food!!

If only they knew she was a gambling addict who spent HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of my fathers retirement money gambling and had zero left in her savings or retirement accounts.

I took a toddler class and the teacher called them "Grandma's Rules" meaning they are rules made by an external source that can't be argued about or denied.

In our house, I call them "safety rules" that have to be enforced or I can go to jail for senior abuse.

For instance, my mom often has a thing about electricity and wants to use fewer lights. She tries to turn off lights that are on for her safety. Nuh uh. Can't do it. Its for safety, it stays on.

Is the bathroom the only place in her house that won't accommodate the walker? It may be that her house is just not functional as a senior living place and she should be moved for her safety, like it or not.

Also, you may find that she would not argue with an outside source such as a professional. It may be the dynamics of your relationship making it so hard for you. The constant struggle is wearing you down but it may be wearing on her as well. On the other hand, putting up a fight may be what's keeping her alive for now.

Thats not to say it's ok for you to have to tolerate the abuse. Absolutely not. If you can't perform your duties, there's no reason for you to give up your life for her.

Charlotte,

PS The cedar chest has to go out of her reach. The emergency squad said so. It's a done deal. As well as any other furniture she has trouble getting around.

Moms2nddaughter, my mom was a lot like yours. Everything had to be done HER way. Always her way. She had poor decision making skills and always made bad decisions. But none of it was dementia. My mom lived alone in her house at 96 years old. She was a hoarder and a gambling addict and refused outside help.

everything I did for her was the WRONG way. So I stepped back and only visited her once a week and my son went to her house twice a week to bring in the mail and take out the garbage.

If your mom refuses to go to a facility then tell her you are moving out and will hire people to help her with MOM’S MONEY, not your money. You don’t need to take care of her forever. Let her know it’s not working out and you are moving out to take care of YOU. Please take care of yourself.

You ask when is it time to walk away and leave her on her own? The time is NOW.

Some people here have spoken very harshly about me but they do not know me or what my life has been and is. I am 87 and have lived a hard, sad life and have been a caretaker four times in my life - a dear friend for 28 years, my mother, my father, and my husband - and I worked full time in corporate America too because I had to eat and pay bills, etc. I have devoted my life to do good wherever I could and am known for this and have many people who will attest to this fact. For your information, I still work (51 years now), without receiving a penny to do good, and I have helped hundreds of people along the way through my work which I love. I have a great deal of compassion but sometimes the very people who bear the terrible brunt of the problems just simply can't see the forest for the trees. It is extremely difficult when people develop physical and mental problems and these issues carry over and greatly impact the rest of the family and the caretakers and in many cases cause harm that will last a lifetime. I am only saying people should analyze every situation and option available and choose the ones that will provide the greatest benefit for the majority of those involved, especially the younger ones as they still have their lives to live. I have seen far too much in my lifetime and have learned the hard way - too late - that sometimes we have to do drastic things to save that which is good and should be kept good. I am not a nasty, mean, horrible senior - quite the contrary to what I am constantly told by those who know me. But I am a realist. And for your information, I have been a widow for many years (husband died of cancer); every single family member I ever had has long passed on to the great hereafter; almost all of my friends are passed now. I am handicapped when spinal injuries caused me to lose the ability to walk, my life changed forever. Yes, I am angry I ended up like this but there is nothing I can do to change it. And it has taught me many things and see things that I never thought about before. Where does it say families must put up with extremely difficult situations that causes so much unhappiness. First you do everything humanly possible to fix the problems and pray that you can. And sometimes instead of holding it all in when you are being abused and receive no cooperation, to keep your sanity you have to speak up to find peace in your soul so you can keep going. Not everyone is made to just shrug off what they have to deal with because they too are human. The fact is that in life there are times to do something you don't want to do but you realize you do not have a choice. I am sorry you feel as you do but I don't think you are fair in judging me. You have not worn my shoes - and I assure you, you would not want to have worn them or wear them now. So please keep your hurtful remarks to yourself.

Imho, you are the individual making decisions and not your mother. Many elders ditch the walker for various reasons, e.g. holding on to objects (that is REALLY bad), it "makes them look old," et al.

Hello, Maybe I am reading something else into this situation, but is the issue truly about the door or a privacy curtain or holding the walk sideways? To me, I’m sensing your exhaustion and her increasing need for increasingly higher levels of care. No matter what you suggest, change or do... it will probably never be “right.” Take care of your health and sanity. I am so sorry you are going through this.

She may want some privacy. We encountered a similar problem with a narrow door to the bathroom. First, you can usually put the wheels on the inside of the legs of the walker. Second, there are narrower walkers available. Third, the doorway could be widened or the door could be replaces with a pocket door if that works in its setting. How is her path from bedroom to bathroom lit? There are motion sensor night lights or low wattage lamps that can allow her to see better as she walks to and from. Last, would she consider using a commode during the night?

So sorry you are between a rock and a harder place. As others have mentioned please take care of yourself first because without you who will guide Mom.

As a former long term care admission officer who now does advocacy work with seniors and their families and friends I have to tell you I have threatened some folks with bodily harm if I find out they have made their spouses and children promise not to send them to facilities when safe care can't be handled at home. You should see the looks on their faces when I ask them "would you as a loving parent really deprive the child you gave birth to, the right to live their own lives?" It frequently comes as a shock to them exactly what they are asking and doing. So you made the promise when it was doable but then was then and now is now. If and when it become necessary for Mom to be placed in a facility, please drop the guilt at the front door. You do what is humanely possible until it becomes impossible and then you move to the next level and each person and situation is completely different. There is no one size fits all solution.

I should let you know that putting Mom in a facility will in no way totally stop her from falling, particularly if she is still an active "let me get up and get that piece of paper" type. People fall in ALs and NHs all the time. Even before covid facilities lacked staff and now in the midst of the pandemic..... well there is even less staff to watch, transfer, feed...... all that good stuff. And putting them in a recliner within the nursing station line of sight? Great idea (works better during the daytime with more staff about) but in the evening....... one nurse doing charts, another on the phone with doctors and/or family members, a third one giving out meds and therefore attached to her med cart.... attention is going to be elsewhere. And I also want to mention that while the nighttime commode is a great idea I found that some people just could not break the habit of 15 -20 years of getting up and going to the bathroom. We had one gentleman who used to get up at night and neatly put the commode to one side and then stagger to the bathroom. One of the CNA's caught him in the act one night and helped him; he said he didn't want to bother anyone and it was just a short distance to the bathroom (he crashed and burned 2 times in 4 weeks on that short distance). Subsequently the CNA tried to be available at specific times to re direct and or help him . Of course, that didn't always work if she and the other aides where busy helping other residents. Even less staff available at night (when in theory all the residents are sleeping.... yeah right).

I'm not trying to make an argument for or against placement -- just want to make sure you see it in the light of reality. And many people do well in the structured environment of a facility so it's a very individual thing. It does allow you to visit (post covid) and be a daughter instead of being the harassed caregiver.

Please feel free to contact if you want more info (or need to scream). Wishing you grace, peace and good fortune in this difficult journey.

My answer is very simple - you immediately make arrangements to place her somewhere, not in the home with you or she will destroy you and any peace you can have. You do not deserve this and you are a fool to put up with it. Once the behaviors of these people impacts you so greatly, it is time to act and put a stop to it once and for all. I would never, ever tolerate this behavior no matter who or what the relationship was or is. And physically and mentally, she will get worse and worse and worse. Please do not wait.

The fact that the squad team who came the first time told you how to organise her space so she doesn't fall again tells me that you are in over your head. She needs specialist care in a facility and you need your life back. Sorry to be so blunt, but she no longer cares for you, she is not herself and you are suffering. Time to move her on.

I feel your frustration! Her twin is my mother. It is part of the dementia. Can you just place a portable potty next to her bad at night? At least that would prevent her from trying to get into the bathroom.

I can understand her complaint about being cold with the door off.  I have the same problem if hubby comes into the bathroom while I'm showering I feel the air movement plus he never closes the door. Even if he does close the door when he comes in or leaves it takes me forever to get warm again. 

Since you need to have the door off so she can safely enter and you are afraid that the curtain may not be safe I would look into having a barn style door added or having a carpenter enlarge the opening to allow for a larger doorway & door.  When we built our house we designed our 1st floor bathroom to allow for a wheelchair.  At the time both my MIL & BIL were living and would need to have the extra room if visiting. As we have aged and hubby had hip replacement and now I have a back issue it has come in handy.

Also as others have mentioned. There comes a time where she is not safe at home and you cannot care for her safely.  Because of her conditions it is going to be up to you to make that decision.  If she is not willing to consider it on her own you may need to resort to the next ER visit advising that she is an unsafe discharge and you can not care for her in her home.

It’s hard when you are doing your best to keep your Mom safe and she is fighting to maintain her independence and some vestige of control over her life. I have been in your shoes!!! What about a compromise? Keep the door off but put up a curtain in the doorway. The rod would need to be mounted into the door frame for safety. That way your Mom has privacy and warmth when she showers and the curtain can be rolled up the rest of the time so your Mom has a clear path. Offer to warm up some towels in the dryer that your Mom can wrap herself in when she gets out of the shower so she will stay warm. Although it may be difficult, particularly if your Mom is losing cognitive ability, try to have a dialogue around issues so your Mom doesn’t feel like she is losing all the control. If she digs in her heels, walk away and broach the subject later, giving her time to calmly process the idea. Just some ideas. Good luck.

It's not about you, it's about her safety.
Please locate a narrow walker that can fit thru that doorway. Measure the doorway width, locate a walker that is smaller than that doorway.
Amazon for example sells, "narrow walkers for small spaces."

or Maybe consider installing a sliding door to accommodate your mother.
Or widen that doorway.
[Medicaid has funds available to modify homes, etc]

YES, it's time to follow instructions provided by EMS about how to safe proof her room so that she can maneuver around her room with the walker.

I can empathize with your mother's wish for a warm bathroom for showering. I "pre-heat" my own bathroom before generously before I brave being naked and wet.
See if you can arrange another way to block off the doorway when she needs to warm it up; something that could be temporarily moved across the door opening and easily moved out of the way afterwards.
How safe is your mother in the shower itself? Does she have a shower chair? is there a handheld shower? grab bars?
Are there are simple things you are able to do to make her room and bathroom safer even if the Squad never sees it?

Sometimes dementia can really change a person's personality and they can become combative. In some cases they can't help themselves, in other cases it's a defense mechanism to try to hang onto control thy are losing. If it is too much for you to handle then it is time for other arrangements. It appears she needs more assistance and either she should be moved to an appropriate facility or get someone in a few hours a day or week (which would give you a break).

While my dad's personality didn't change, he hated to be helped - it somehow diminished his view of himself. He also thought furniture surfing (as his doc called it) was as good as using his walker. It wasn't and took a very long time for him to use it.

I do see your mother's point of view regarding having a bathroom door when she showers - when my bathroom door is open, no matter how warm the bathroom is, the draft always make it feel cold. I'm not saying to put the current door back on, but some adjustment - pocket door, larger door opening with larger door, curtain that can be closed when she showers. I agree there should be no lock on the bathroom door unless you have a key.

I agree with others that the room needs to be pared down so she can get around and not furniture surf if there isn't room enough to get around the furniture.

As far as the suggestions made by the paramedics, you should take them to heart. If they come too often, they could make a report of an unsafe environment and you really don't want to have to defend your actions or inactions. If your state, county or community has a department of aging contact them, they should be able to assist you in making the environment safer.

Good luck

One option for now until you can determine whether she should be moved is to place a pressure rod in the doorway to secure a curtain such as a pretty shower curtain or long window panel that is easily moved out of the way for her to access the bathroom but also to allow privacy and retain the heat she so desperately wants (she may say heat but need privacy more). Hope this reduces some stress for now at least. Take care of yourself first or you are of no help to your mother at all.

I went through the same thing with my mom and she is now in a private home with 24hr care. I could not do it while working full time and having someone come in during the day. My mom also fell and had to have stitches and then got pneumonia right when Covid hit. They advised me that she could not go back home so I placed her in a home and she is so happy. Good luck! This is a very hard thing to do and you have to be a special person to deal with dementia/alzheimer patients. Do not feel guilty.

If she has cognitive though just be firm but polite with her and then walk away. Getting into fights is not good for either of youse health ( mental and physical ).
It has taken me six years to learn this but now we have very few arguments. This despite the fact that she loves to fight.
If you cannot work this out, through no fault of your own, then yes, it is time to put her into a home for her own safety.

For what it is worth, bear in mind that the person who extracted a promise from you that you would help her stay in her home is not the same person who lives there now. I really hate those "promises" that keep us from objectively evaluating the changing circumstances of life. Those promises place an undue burden on well-meaning children.

I think you are exhausted, but doing the best you can. Give yourself a break. See if you can get a little temporary help while you look into other alternatives. There will always be disagreements between care-givers and their loved ones, but you shouldn't feel as though you are in a daily battle. If things are really getting beyond your ability to cope with, you need to make changes. As others have suggested, you may need to consider some kind of memory care or other residential care. You may be able to get by with daily assistance from a paid care-giver who would come in and deal with your mom for a few hours each day while you take care of yourself. You have done your best for 7 years. That is a really big deal. If you need to make other arrangements now, that is your responsibility for both her safety and your sanity. It is not only your mother who needs to be cared for, you need to care for yourself, also.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Try to take a step back and breathe. Whether it's time for a nursing home/alf is up to you. One thing I can tell you though is so many folks act like it's just such a simple solution and it is NOT. Even when they are in a facility, there is much that still needs to be done. Going to visit them and staying on top of the facility and listening to them complain about the facility (warranted or not). It's often the best decision but it is not an easy one nor does it solve all your problems. A lot of times it just creates new ones. So consider it carefully regarding your own situation.
I think you have to lovingly stay firm with your decisions for your mom when it comes to her safety. It doesn't have to be an argument. Just say mom, we've talked about it this is for your safety. I love you and don't want anything bad to happen to you and then leave the room. Don't engage with her on it. My mom would sometimes go off about things but I would just say sorry mom, I know it's hard. The cna's would tell me don't put up with that but my mother put up with a lot from me. My mom was different because she was lucid but went through so much medical suffering. She would calm down and then be reasonable again so I just knew she was struggling so I tried to be calm and soothing as best I could.
My thing when it comes to safety is you have to keep her as safe as is reasonably possible. It's not an all or nothing proposal. Stand firm on things that matter but don't fight about it. In whatever way you can, try to step back, breathe deeply and then go back in with confidence that you are doing the right thing and just love for your mom.

Continue to love. Continue to care. Do the things that a loving, caring caregiver does. One day, before you know it, you will look back and take comfort in that you did all you could. That is huge. A clear conscience is priceless.

My mother is about as impossible a person to deal with as you could ever meet. I take care of myself with breaks, exercise, good nutrition, but mostly, my time with God and His word. I pray for you moms2nddaughter for strength, for peace, for wisdom. With wisdom, you know that taking on your mother head on can be the most fruitless endeavor. What you can do when facing a conflict of thoughts, words and actions (like whether the door is on or off), is to be quiet in your heart and mind and know what is to be done as a good caregiver and not comment. You do know how to shift the subject, right?

Take care of the one that's needing the care, but take care of the one giving the care. Breathe in controlled, stress managing breaths.
Blessings to you dear one.

Look fir a narrowerase walker..

Use a thick insulated drape to close off the doorway to lerp the heat in while she showers.

A little bit of cost but is their room to extend the width of the door frame so a widder door can be on?

She needs a caregiver who is there with her when she is moving or attempting to take a shower. Leaving her to navigate on her own when she is a high fall risk and has fallen already is not a good idea.

See if your state has a Medicaid in home long term care program that she qualifies for so that she can have a caregiver at night with her, help her shower in am before she leaves. If not you may have to hire somebody since you need your sleep.

placing her in a facility is not the answer when she is still quite active and doing well. She will deteriorate rapidly in a facility .

.