My 85 yr. old mom has never been very independent but rather depends on two of us brothers. Lost my wife 10/2016, and retired 1/2017. I bought a house one block from where I live, all on one level, spent 8 months remodeling with the intent to downsize and move there once my house is ready for the market. In the meantime mom got to where she could not traverse the stairs in her house or keep it going so with some remorse I moved her into the new house, either that or assisted living which she vehemently opposed & refers to as a nursing home.
Younger sister, after sponging off mom for years moved away 2yrs. ago so is of no help. I've offered to allow her to come live with mom as she struggles financially as well, she is younger and I feel she kind of owes it to mom but, she won't. I have an older brother nearby still working so cannot help much. So its pretty much me. Before I retired she knew I had work obligations. Now, knowing I'm close by I'm on speed dial sometimes 2-3 daily. Can't get the T.V. to work, computer issues, on and on repeatedly. If not that she finds things wrong with the house always needing address. It's like a new house for crying out loud. No time to work on my overwhelming issues to deal with without interruption. Most is for attention.
Called me last Sunday evening at 11:30pm saying the T.V. stopped working. I had been in bed asleep. She calls at the drop of a hat. We eat dinner together almost every evening. Sometimes I'm by there 1-2 times during the day prior to, ugh. I hate to be mean but have repeatedly asked her to use some judgement. Her mental faculties seem fine, more like being self-centered and it never changes.
I've been looking out after her for 35 yrs so burned out when the real work is just starting. She is still mobile with a walker & still drives although not very well. Part of the problem is she has never had any friends, lives her life vicariously through her children. What she is today is the summation of how she's lived over the last 40 yrs since divorcing my stepfather- wants to be independent but could never without our support.
Came to my house unannounced and ease dropped on a conversation I was having with my brother with my saying that if somehow she cannot find a way to be satisfied and content in the new house then she just may be looking at going into assisted living whereby she can get all the attention she wants. She butted in and said I'm not going into an nursing home! I repeated my stance. Six months later- still exactly the same. I'm soon to be 62, I've worked hard my entire life and want some peace and enjoyment in retirement. I have my own declining physical issues related to age to deal with.
I've tried to set up boundaries but it is hard when they go ignored. Me and older brother are wondering if she will outlive us. Longevity runs in the family and she could live to be 100. I will be in my late 70's by then if I'm lucky enough to still be alive as I've had a hard life working- her, not so much. I was a caregiver to my wife who had cancer for 3 years prior to her passing and now caregiver to my mother. I believe in looking out for our elderly but besides a vacation week here and there I never get much of a break & she consumes my thoughts. I myself would spend a little time exploring me moving on with my life and maybe finding a new mate- my plans to retire and spend my time with my wife did not work out.
When is it time to have a family meeting and tell her it's time to go to assisted living? There is an excellent place at the end of our street so close-by. Sometimes I feel like my personal life is over. Ugh. I feel like I'm burned out and just getting started with no relief on the horizon. I know this probably sounds familiar & repetative but thanks for allowing me a venue to sound off. Best wishes to all of you dealing with similar circumstances.
Find a couple of nice ALs in your area and take your mother on the tours, eat lunch or dinner (or both) there and then ask her which one she prefers. Remind her if she chooses the one at the end of the street you could share a meal with her most days. I would not consider providing her with the option to remain in the house. I suggest telling Mom about your own health concerns and that you are concerned about who would take care of her if you needed surgery and recovery time. Make her move to AL something you need for peace of mind more than she requires it. She may very well find a few friends there.
God bless you and Good Luck! I hope you find activities and maybe a new partner to enjoy in your retirement.
It's actually worse than raising a child. On the flip side though, look at the grandparents who raise their grandchildren. I don't have grandchildren. I would enjoy them if I did but I certainly wouldn't want them full time.
Kids grow up and become more and more independent. Parents become more dependent. Gosh, I hope I don't live that long. I don't want to be a burden to my kids or anyone else. But as the OP has said, longevity in my family too. My cousin just turned 97! She is well enough for independent living. She is an exception, though. She drives, shops for herself, cooks, cleans, bathes herself. dresses herself, no walker, no cane, etc. If I could live like that, fine, but if I end up like my mom, 93 with Parkinson's I will be ready to go to a place with assisted suicide! Never thought I would feel that way but I do now or just peacefully die in my sleep.
As TNtechie said find 2 good AL facilities and tell her pick, don't buy into the drama that will ensue. She has manipulated you for your entire life and she knows how to work you, be prepared, get a friend to get in your face with everything you have ever been handed from her and flatten those guilt, obligation and fear buttons she will be stomping all over.
She needs more help and whether she acknowledges that or not is beside the point. She is not entitled to take over your life so she doesn't have to change anything. She needs someone monitoring her 24/7 her actions show that.
Buck up because she will make this as hard as possible.
Assisted living will provide her meals. She won't be eating alone unless she chooses to eat in her room.
I have been dragging me feet on this for awhile now. I started the process of looking. I actually found three AL facilities that I like. All more money than she will have. So, even with aid and assistance from veterans we will have to pay extra.
I have to get certain things in order. Just got the living will papers from her doctor so I need to fill that out, still trying to decide if I want an elder attorney to handle veterans aid and assistance to help with finances.
Scared of mom outliving the facility and money will run out. But meanwhile, I feel so stuck. I'm exhausted! I have been at this for a LONG time, since 2005 when mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina.
I wish you well. If you don't have the considerations that I have than don't drag your feet like me. The longer parents become more and more dependent on you the harder it will be to move her. I really feel like my mom and I have developed an unhealthy codependency. I need therapy! hahahaha and a good kick in the rear end!
There are wonderful people on this site who have encouraged me, also shared a wealth of knowledge and it's helpful and comforting.
You need to just tell mom she has to go period. I moved my dad into his own home, because enough was enough, he lived in my home for a year and pretty much ruined my relationship with my spouse. He even wanted me to divorce my spouse to take care of him. I have no children so I know that when I get old there won't be damn soul to care for me period. Mom needs to go...why the heck are they so selfish. None my parents took care of their parents. My cousins are saying "oh he is in the house by himself what if?" Yeah jerks what if? None of them took care of their parents and they all inherited the money my father gave their father so now my sister and I have NOTHING to get and this man who was never there for me expects me to care for him for free. I am sorry, but the love I once felt for him is gone...I do what I do because he is a human being but not because he deserves to be treated good!
Put your foot down now.
Take her for a visit to the AL place, which is what I did with my own father. I told him we were going for a visit "for future reference" in case he needed it. Then I talked up what a great place it was, how they had a coffee station 24/7 so he could have his coffee whenever he liked, etc. He finally warmed up to the idea - and I moved him.
If all you needed was our permission to go ahead and make a start on your mother's admission to that nice sounding ALF in an area she is very familiar with, wouldn't that be lovely?
But it isn't. Can you narrow it down to say, five main issues that have to be overcome for this to happen?
Do you still own that one-level property she lives in, by the way?
It's overdo for you to invite your siblings to sit down with you and your mother and make decisions. Take the advice given here that works for you. If your siblings won't be part of the solution then you do it yourself.
You already know in your heart that this has gone on too long, and your mother has needs that can be met better in AL.
I'm an only child (63) with a manipulative, dependent mother (92)and have to enforce my boundaries or she would manipulate me out of my life which she never cared about unless she needed something. I've talked with her doctor and senior social workers privately for advice and am waiting for the right moment to have that talk with her with my husband present, since it won't happen if left to her. Right now, she still lives independently with my help two days a week and a friend who takes another day (paid). But she is frail and declining. My sons and their wives are having children and we want to enjoy them, traveling, and enjoying our retirement like my mother did without having a care for anyone.
You've done more than anyone would expect, and it's past time for you to find a solution you so can live the life you worked so hard for and to have peace about the safety and care of your mother. Stand firm and be consistent in your follow through. It's time for you to live your life and be the priority. You're a giving person, but you have to give to yourself as well. Keep it simple and direct. For her safety and health, she needs care that you are not trained for or able to do.
I wish you and everyone here the best as we navigate these decisions. It has definitely taught me is that I will never do this to my children. I would rather get help at home then find assisted living in one of the beautiful places my friends and other family have lived in and enjoyed.
Let us know what happens!
Keep us posted on what's going on and know that the wonderful folks on this forum have felt like the wind beneath my wings many, many times.
She is unlikely to agree to Assisted Living, so you need to work with that in mind. Try taking her on the tours, but it sounds like both of you are used to a certain way of life. You would like her to be happy and live well, but without depending on you and calling you 3xs a day. She is unhappy and dependent on you and so she calls and makes up reasons why she can't be happy where she is and why she needs you to come over. One or both of you needs to break that cycle and I would bet it will not be her.
Think about going and talking with a professional counselor. They will be able to help you to see that your mother will not be happy no matter what you do and that it is not your job to make her happy. It is literally not within your power. The only person you can make happy is yourself.
Who prepares the food for your dinners? If you are doing the cooking and shopping, find a delivery service. If your mom is doing this, she might not need AL.
One way to set boundaries is to make a schedule for exactly when you will come over and help her out. Establish a time when you will call her or accept a call from her. Tell her you will not answer the phone after you go to bed.
From experience, as long as you are taking on the burden, you’ll be stuck with it. Are you her POA? If f not get that done now.
My mother was doing the same thing. Much was for attention. She’s manipulating you.
How about an independent living facility where she can transition into AL? They basically make meals and clean their apartment. They usually have buses for outings. Are not anything like nursing homes
Tell her you are selling / renting your current house and do it. Move into the one she currently lives in and she goes to another facility. Decades ago it was true multiple generations lived together but they also died a natural death ie not the level of care needed today by the time someone passes.
And I don’t get this about seniors holding guilt over their kids ‘ heads . None of them had their parents living with them! My mother did and does play the martyr still but since she’s in AL, I know she’s safe and getting care . A perk is she’s just not calling us at 3am anymore to come fix her tv because she messed with the remote again .
Secondly - she sounds of the generation where assisted living didn't exist but rather nursing homes where wearhouses for the elderly - she hasn't kept up with the new advances in health care - she needs to visit some that are more to her needs
Thirdly - you basically are her landlord so you can evict her if you need that place for yourself - start looking yourself at places for her then take her to the best ones
Fourth - why are you eating every night with her? - just make other plans with friends & GO - switch your home phone to one that screens calls so that you can hear her to know it is not an emergency but calls after you go to bed are not tolerated - give her a time table when she can & cannot call you & STICK TO IT - if necessary change your cell number or put a ring tone just for her so you can screen the calls
You need to be firm so if she says there is an emergency & there isn't then she 'looses' a 3 hour calling time the next day [for example] or something else - she is behaving like a spoiled 11 year old & needs to be told what her limits are - you will have to pick how to 'ground' her as will suit your own circumstances
Join a gym/club/group with set times & go - you need more people in your life than her & the cashier at the grocery store - don't ask 'permission' .... just do it & soon - go to school & learn something new as many universities allow those over 60 to go for free -
I'm trying not to be harsh but rather pour some cold water over your head to wake you up to how you mother has manipulated you so well that you don't even fully realize it -
When she calls at 11:30 pm because she has screwed up her remote don't run over to fix it rather wonder aloud if she needs a memory test - when she snaps her fingers just to see how high you will jump then sit down & read the newspaper - when she fusses about you not joining her for dinner have a TV dinner on hand to give her - she is treating you like an un-paid servant from the 1800's not like a loving son -
I hope you can see what is happening to you by her as she has not allowed to fully grieve the loss of your wife - rather she has moved into the opening in your life to place herself as numero uno so nobody can get close = she keeps her good life - good luck as I feel you will need it
I agree with everyone here who is telling you the time is now. Don't wait she will continue to decline can't help that.
My mom needed to be moved to AL 3yrs ago today and she didn't like it didn't want to be there ect.
I knew she was safe well cared for and that gave me peace of mind which you cannot put a price on.
My mom died 3 days ago and looking back as hard as it was and difficult she could be we were all better off
I would do it again in a heart beat
You have to be strong for yourself
She'll be OK
My well wishes are with you
Sissy