How do I stand this? He can be so regressed. When is it time for a nursing home?

Sounds like it is time to think more about continuing care facility if the cleaning staff at home cannot keep up with the messes. I can imagine what the house must smell like, and sadly there isn't anything you can say to your hubby to make him pay more attention to his personal care :(

Talk to your hubby's primary doctor and ask for suggestions, and tell him/her you are so exhausted as this is a day in day out issue. The doctor could write a script saying it is time for another layer of care.

The time for a nursing home is when the caregiver's health is in jeopardy. I think you are at this point. There is only so much that one person can do, after that it takes a team, three shifts of that team, to care for him. It's time.

It is time for the nursing home now.

I agree that it's time for a facility NOW. I'm curious about the fact that he's never been good about his hygiene; is there co-morbid mental illness going on? And are the crosswords done correctly?

Be very, very clear with his doctor that you are NOT willing to wreck your health and well- being over this.

Big hug and tons of empathy coming your way.

You have done enough. Time for a nursing home.

I will be blunt and clear.
Rotten toenails with fungus along with fecal matter around the house does not happen overnight. You know it's time when he is not getting things done that you know is needed and neither you nor someone else can be brought in to do it.
Decisions made from the heart today can heal the regrets of tomorrow.

I agree with the wisdom on this thread. You've done enough and it's time for you to have a life. You say he's a good man. You can continue to see him and support him, but it's time for a care facility. In this setting you'll be better able to appreciate the good things about him.

Talk with his doctor about a move. His health issues - COPD among them - may be enough for him to qualify for nursing home care.

He seems cognitively able in some ways, but the rest of what you describe could still be a form of dementia. He may need to be screened for Lewy body or frontotemporal dementia as part of determining where he can get the best care.

You need to be clear with the doctor that if you don't get relief from living in this situation your own health will worsen.

Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol

It seems to me that if he is doing crosswords and changing his own Depends he is not going to a nursing home willingly. It may even be hard to find a facility that would take him.
However an issue I see is the toenails. My husband has his removed last spring. A friend of ours had his removed because the pain was waking him up at night. I didn't want to go through that with my husband, who has vascular dementia. However after the surgery you have to soak the feet twice a day for 2 weeks. I can't see that happening in your situation, sorry to say. I must admit I wouldn't put up with the messes you describe. It would be " get your act together or I'm out of here. I am a human being and I don't have to live in your filth. " I know - easier said than done. I have cleaned up poopitis a lot but my husband has vascular dementia and can't help it. I help him change his diapers and make sure he is clean before the clean diaper. At least he is willing to let me help him. Good luck!

You should of had nursing for him a long time ago as well as professional house care as for your cleaning lady you should kiss her feet for even trying to work for you and honey he must be more then a good man for you to stick out all that mess good man and big bucks I hope because your going to need it for the help don't let him handle the meds poopy hands gross still doing times great I am not cutting him down he needs help and you need to stop helping and chilll come home and live him for not being Mr clean or perfict but the sick good man he is who now with at home aids can get his diaper off with out a poo aton and by the way fungus toe nails is curable a good foot doctor can come to the house as for life ong heart and lung proublums I know how sick it makes you but your big one is hygein and a professional care giver or two will solve that on day one what you are not doing they will he soulds like he can understand and wants to be with you in your home together you just tell him the only way it will work is with professional care for him at home you can't change him and he can't change him selfe a nursing home is a big laugh he will be unhappy and not cared for as well there and live a much shorter life as well as all his family and good friends. Will at first visit then slowly visit less and less and you too life support and living happy are different oh sure he will get the times there but love no family care no you by his side when he crys in the night no I have lived with a good man for going on two ears after a stroke took his shight his voice and his arm and leg and when he crys in the lnight I lay down with him and he holds my hand and I put him by the window to feel the sunand hear the birds he pets his dog he smells his food and he smiles bbecause life is good at home for some time he was in a nursing home and he got weaker and weaker no chose on food no help when he had to go to poty no one to hold his hand when he cryed just a pill to put him to sleep to wake and cry and get another pill he's a good man then do what is best for him don't send to a nursing home get his home care

Totally agree with everyone here, put him in a home where they can change his depends and look after him. I believe you are resenting him more and more, and with good cause. But you don't have to do this anymore. I am sorry for your situation.

you have no mention of age of this man. But it would seem that he has needed proper care for quite some time and for whatever reason you have not been able to help him. I would suggest getting some 24/7 care to help otherwise someone could report that he is not being treated properly to have such a terrible living space. Let the doctor know that you are incapable of taking care of him and that he needs placement. Call your local office of aging to get some help started immediately.

Personal care is such a difficult task. Once a person cannot wipe their backside properly or change the depends, its time for intervention by a caregiver whether paid, family or nursing home. This aspect of degenerative diseases is so hard to accept, any hope of a normal life is gone. There is a company called Preventawear that makes undergarments which prevent the wearer from taking off incontinence wear. I was inspired to work through this stage with my husband after talking to the woman who developed this line of clothing to deal with a disabled child.

Totally agree. He will have to go in to a home. Its a terrible situation for you but you really have no choice. My advice is find a home very near to where you live so you can visit each day to make sure they are looking after him. This is based on my own experience with my mother . Now I feel freaked out my husband could be getting that way as well! He has COPD and liver disease. Best wishes.

I can emphasize with you. Mom is the same way. Her toenails are a mess, and she complains of pain all the time. She seems unable to change her depends, and makes a mess of everything. She won't let anyone help her, and I honestly don't know what to do. She is not yet nursing home material, but with my own medical problems ( afib ) she is not making it easy on me. I know how hard it can be getting help, I am in the same boat.

mar126, Thank you for sharing such a clear, sensible "line in the sand." Good advice for us all.

One day, your wish will be granted. He will die and leave you alone. You are so stressed right now, you don't realize what you are saying. I feel your anger and frustration. People reach a point when they are unable to care for themselves and the burden becomes too much for their caregiver. It regrettably becomes necessary to place them in a health care facility.

But if you still have any love left for this man in your heart, don't ridicule him because of his condition. Instead, work with his doctor to get him the best care possible, offer your support in any way you can, and pray for God to be merciful to him and to help you make it through this ordeal.

OMG...why did you stay so long??? sounds like a horrible situation!

Medicare pays for toenail care ever ten weeks. If you can't get him out of the house, see if one will come to you, Moms does for some of his patients. There is usually a Podiatrist associated with the nursing facility. Yes, I think its time for a change. Mom wears the pullups. She didn't tell me she thought she had an accident. She called me when she waas done. Because of how she pulls them down and how she sits down she had it all over the seat and her. TG I was there to give her a shower. Good Luck

My heart goes out to you. You've done an amazing job. Based on what you've written I think you are answering you own question. Now that you've gotten it out, move forward for both of you. It's time!! Let go and let God. He never wants you to feel you're alone.

I didn't say you should put him in a home however if you have had a sick husband for 20 yrs and not had a care taker come and help and he's been in dippers that long with out a nurse I wonder about your sanity to care for him just because you cook clean and shop dose not make you his nurse in fact if he is able to think clearly he can have his own handy capped apartment with nursing and live a very normal life and you can happly find out how lonely you can be with out him of course you will loose his income by having him put in a home and if he protests you will have to get a court to force it then with the nursing home getting all his money you my loss your home so please think before you say I am not getting him nursing in your home legal papers cost money courts cost money lawers cost money and your home repairs and up keep cost money the home will claim all his and leave you nothing but your own still want to send him away think first

It is time. It was probably, in retrospect, time long ago. You've honored him and now it's time to release him to the next level of care givers. The word "DIGNITY" comes to mind when I think of the most valuable gift I can give clients as their conditions deteriorate. It is disappointing when family members become victims of the inevitable. Clients deserve to be kept meticulously clean, pedicures at home are just routine and pedicure and manicure services are available through mobile professionals who come to the home as they do nursing homes etc to see that their clients have clean and healthy fingers and toes at all times. Even in a facility it is perhaps something you might think about for your husband. A weekly pedicure and manicure will likely serve to have him feel good as you will to see that those small touches honor him as the man who won your heart many years ago. Well done and be kind to yourself. Maybe work hard to avoid harsh words used to describe his physical challenges resulting in incontinence and worse. Go back to making sure his hair is cut and clean by the folks who will do this and maybe go out and buy him a few really comfortable, clean and good looking outfits he can wear just to give yourself a lift when you see him. Rise above it all.
Those of us who care for clients for a living who maintain our composure do so mostly by remembering that word...."DIGNITY." Hugs.

Now is the time to put him in an NH. You will experience caregiving burnout, if you, most likely, you haven't already.

if you are thinking of placement.........get a good Elder attorney, you don't always lose your home or income............

You have done your time, and now it is time to put him somewhere where he can get professional care. Bless you for all those caretaking years!

I just want to give you a hug! There is no answer to Why can't he change without getting fedes all over? It's not really a question, it's an accusation. He can't help it. Your love for him has kept him home. Now you should let him go to a nursing home, also out of love. And to protect your own health, and to preserve any fond memories you have left inside you.

Mary you have a few options I want to point out. First if you have the money you can bring in caregivers who will help him live a clean dignified life at home. If that is to costly you can consider an Adult Family Home, these are small homes usually 6 residents and if you find the right one they are wonderful. My mom lives in one now and today she told me 3 weeks in she wants to stay she loves it there. They usually cost about 3000-4000 mo. Your third option is nursing home. Weigh your options then make a choice, but whatever you chose now is the time, neither of you should have to live this way. If you need help finding out about Adult Family Homes send me a message i'd be glad to help. Once you make a change you will feel a great weight lift off your shoulders. Many hugs to both of you.