When does the sadness end? Sorry that I dropped out of sight for awhile. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about what has been going on.
It just seems like I got my life back without caring for my mom and the world came crashing down around me.
Sometimes when I am really thrown for a loop I retreat to be alone with my thoughts. Not sure if that is good or bad but it’s who I am when life gets extra tough.
I feel so vulnerable at this time. I am disappointed in myself that I am not stronger than I am. I am trying to be as strong as I can in front of my sweet husband. He has always been my rock and I truly want to be that for him.
I am always amazed at the strength that I have seen from some of you and I have total compassion for those who struggle with life’s issues regarding health of those we care for.
God knows that I did not handle the stress of being a caregiver to my mom as well as I would have liked to and I relied on this forum for guidance. All of you helped tremendously and I know that you are extremely caring people.
I decided to try to speak about the issues that are of concern to me with this forum because I have received a lot of comfort in the past from the lovely people on this site.
I saw the lovely private messages from many of you and I truly appreciate all of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially for the good wishes and prayers.
My husband has been diagnosed with cancer. Please say prayers for him. My daughters are naturally upset about their dad. They are both ‘daddy’s girls’ just like I was with my father.
My daughter found a place to live in Colorado and we will miss her greatly but we don’t want her to change her plans because of our recent situation with my husband’s health. She will be leaving soon.
We are pleased with my husband’s doctor and even though the doctor has said his cancer is aggressive he is hopeful.
I fully realize the advances in the treatment of cancer, it is still scary to hear the word cancer. He will start treatment soon, as soon as possible and he and his doctor decide on the best plan of action.
A while back I applied for and accepted a job offer and worked for a short while but when the situation worsened with Covid they downsized and of course being recently hired I was in the group that lost employment.
It’s for the best that I am no longer working because shortly afterwards my husband was informed about his cancer.
We are doing our best to stay positive for a good outcome during this time. I am not sure how much I will be online. It all depends on what is going on, especially with my emotions and I don’t always express myself well when I am flustered.
I gave everything that I had inside me to care for my mom and in spite of the difficulties I loved her tremendously and still do. She is hanging on. God bless her. I honestly wish that God would take her home so that she could be reunited with my dad. None of us really know when it is our time to leave this world.
Mom is now with hospice. I speak to her occasionally but the relationship is strained. The most is important thing is that she is being cared for. That brings me peace regarding my feelings about the situation.
It is very different being concerned about a spouse rather than a parent. Isn’t it? My husband is the love of my life and always has been. I am so very grateful to have him in my life. I honestly cannot imagine life without him. I suppose somewhere deep down inside me I always wanted to die before him because I never wanted to say goodbye to him. Has anyone else felt that way too?
I have rambled on for too long. Forgive me. I think that is why I couldn’t share my feelings with the group and I stayed away because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to focus clearly on how I felt. It’s hard.
My husband is very private and has asked me not to speak family about his cancer because of the difficulties that occurred. I understand this and respect his wishes.
Sending my love to each and every one of you and I hope that all of you are doing as well as you can.
I missed all of you very much.
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He came down with shingles and the doctor did blood work at a follow up appointment and that is when there was a suspicion and he was sent for further testing. Unfortunately the results came back as cancer.
Or unsaid for awhile. Until you are more comfortable.
I private message my friends a lot, who are really accepting of me.
Go slow, and do not get overwhelmed. We are here to help.
You were gone for such a long time, I started to think you were coming back, and that you did as 'NobodyGetsIt'. Lol.
I don't know if this happened to you, but after 'burnout', a person's perspective changes.
Sadly, we can also become numb for awhile. At least that became my experience for awhile. Maybe that is a survival tactic.
Many (((((((hugs))))))))).
We missed you!
I was just starting to adjust to things, and get into a routine then this disturbing news but I am trying not to sink into fear or despair. That won’t help matters. I am choosing to stay as positive as I can.
I am so sorry to hear of your husband's illness! I am praying for a complete healing and a rapid recovery.
I read something about alkaline foods rich in oxygen that help the body.
May you and your husband be healthy and happy
I know about the retreating, I am the same way as your husband, I do not like to talk about my health and don't like going to the doc either. I had to go to the doc when Covid hit to be able to work in my office instead of in the front where all the people traffic is. I was labeled as insubordinate. That is the way it goes, too bad for them that they do not intimidate me!
Great your daughter found a place to live. I bet she is happy she is not here yet. We have snow in the metro area and south and west. Some places up to a foot of it. A temperature swing from 100 over the weekend to a high of 38 yesterday. Supposed to be colder today. This is very early for here.
HAPPY you are back! Check in again soon.
My daughter is looking forward to the change in seasons. I’m sure that she will send us pictures of the snow. She’s going to be just outside of Denver in a very walkable neighborhood. She’s excited about living there.
How hard is it to drive in the snow? I suppose once you get used to it, it is okay.
My husband's BFF was diagnosed with very aggressive stage 4 lymphoma about 2 years ago. He was given a very slim chance of living; in fact, the Kaiser doctors told him there was nothing more they could do for him on several occasions, and told him to take as many opiates as he'd like to relieve his pain. Fast forward to today. He's in 100% remission; his PET scans are all CLEAR and 100% cancer/tumor free. He's back to work and has regained the 40 lbs he lost during treatment. He has no more chemo or radiation treatments, he's 'cured' for all intents and purposes, although the doctors do not like to use that word.
There is hope. In this day and age, no matter what kind of cancer DH has, there IS HOPE. My own ex-DH was diagnosed 5 years ago with stage 4 colon cancer that wound up metastasizing into his liver and LUNGS. Fast forward to today; he's 5 years cancer FREE and being written up in the medical journal (whatever it's called) as a 'miracle' case, so to speak. His treatments are being published as life-saving, and he's becoming famous (when before he was only infamous, yuck yuck).
There is hope, and that is what you need to remember and hold onto.
And you also need to be careful about comparing yourself to others, especially here on this (or any other internet) website. In fact, don't compare yourself to any other person on earth. We all handle things differently. What you may interpret as 'strength' in me, I may interpret as 'weakness' in myself. You went above and beyond caring for your mother for many years. Just b/c it went south at the end because of your BROTHERS, that doesn't make you 'less than' or weak or something you're not. We're all human, my friend, and as such, imperfect. We do the best we can yet we use a ridiculous yardstick to value ourselves and to judge ourselves with. Ditch the yardstick and concentrate on all you ARE and all you've BEEN and all you DO for so MANY. So many of us here on AC have missed you; I myself received several messages about 'where is NHWM?' I didn't know and couldn't say, but I was concerned too. I'm glad you're back, in any capacity, for however long. There is strength in numbers, dear lady, and power in the knowledge we're not really alone on this earth.
Finally, I'm glad to hear your mother is under hospice care. She will be comfortable and feel no suffering anymore, which is what I'm fighting for on behalf of my own mother. To listen to her cry with chronic pain and to know that no painkillers thus far are helping her is what makes ME feel 'less than' and inadequate. Despite the fact that it's not my doing; I'm not a doctor and have no say in how she's medicated. It's the feeling of helplessness we don't like; the feeling of being mortal when what we want to do is play God. We're best to leave that job to Him, I think.
Sending you a hug and prayer for inner peace and acceptance. And a strong hope you'll keep coming back!
You have experienced a lot and I always learn something from your posts.
Thanks so much for caring.
Hon, as to your hubby and his diagnosis, I will start with I am so sorry. But I will tell you that you are on a journey you will take together now like Hansel and Gretel in the woods. And hand in hand you will make such deep deep connections of honesty, of support, of strength to and from one another, that you cannot imagine. I was diagnosed with cancer less than a year after meeting my partner, ours a grown up love after he and I had each raised a couple of kids to adulthood, and met soon after. That diagnosis came on like a ton of bricks and was told that it was an aggressive breast cancer that had spread to 2 nodes already. That was almost 34 years ago. We are still together.
So often now there are amazing treatments that can buy so much time we go of some more natural reason before the cancer can get us. It is sometimes now treated for some as an almost "chronic condition".
You cannot know what the journey will be. And fear is so much of what is bad. But you will actually learn to have some laughs at some point and I know that's hard to believe, but you WILL. I don't mean to suggest that cancer brings any gifts to our lives. It doesn't. It's a dread disease. But there ARE gifts to be pulled out of the air, surprises, and you will see them as they come.
Again, I am so sorry. FEAR is hideous and it will come for you and come at you, so let it in. LET IT IN. Plan out the whole dad-gum funeral if you have to. Then you can live.
Best to you in this fight. Remember the old film with I think it was Jeff Bridges? Or was it his brother Beau? Star Man. Where they guy was from the other planet? And at some point he says to the "humans" "Know what I love about you guys most? When things are at their worst you are at your best". Sometimes true of us. Oh! And "When does the sadness end?" It never does. But neither does the BEAUTY. Remember that. Neither does the beauty.
Your words have truly encouraged me. Thanks so much.
Being on the receiving end of a cancer dxlast year--I can relate to what your DH is feeling.
Until he starts TX, it's a scary time. You just don't KNOW what's going to happen.
My cancer was also VERY aggressive and I didn't have time to think through what was going on. Once I began TX I felt more empowered.
I had a couple of friends who stood by me. My kids were sweet, but terrified. My DH stepped out, emotionally, and physically, by taking as many out of town jobs as he could. He only took me to 2/6 of my infusions--just couldn't handle it. He acted the exact way I expected, and so I was hurt, but not surprised.
You just be there for your DH. It's scary.
Now that I am in remission, I am more impressed by myself and the strength of my faith and the love of the few friends who could handle it.
Take care of yourself as you take care of DH. My heart aches for you.
They have come a long way with cancer research. Don’t ever give up hope. Look at Alex Trebek, he has been doing remarkably well. Hang in there and just know that we are all here for you!
The old adage of the duck swimming..what you see on the surface does not reflect what is going on just beneath them. On top...cool, calm, just floating along...under the surface the little legs are paddling like crazy to keep them going on course.
You are as strong as you need to be when you need the strength. But..and I do believe there is guidance you just have to be open for it. Read "Footprints in the Sand" for strength.
All you can do is be there for your husband, support him in his decisions but if those decisions also effect you..you should have some say in it.
Now to the not so nice stuff...I do hope that you have heeded the suggestions that hit almost every single response to a posted question at some point..See an Elder Care Attorney, get all your papers in order. Yours and his. this is not the easy stuff but it is important.
Take care of yourself during this time as well.
Stay positive and stay strong. Good to see you back.
I am so happy to hear from you! I have missed seeing your posts. I have often thought of you (my fellow Sister of the South!). I am sorry about your sweet husband’s diagnosis, but I was encouraged for you after reading all the wonderful replies to your post. There was such hope in their words.
As to feeling bad that you are not stronger........allow yourself to feel weak and afraid. None of us are strong 100% of the time. That’s why we need each other. To lift us up when our time of weakness comes in the same way that we have lifted up others. To encourage each other. We ALL will have times of fear, anxiety, discouragement, and even lack of faith, but thank God we don’t all get crazy at the same time!
I am lifting you and your husband up in prayer. I pray for healing for him and that you both feel the steady presence of the Comforter during this time. I pray that you live each day in its full, and find daily joy. I pray that when the cares of this world overwhelm you, that you remember from whence comes your strength, and that you ask for it daily.
The snow melted already here in CO. The ground was really warm. Your daughter will like it here.
Thanks for your kindness. Caring for others is tiring. I hope that you will be able to get some rest while caring for your brother.
My daughter is sharing her location with us while driving to Colorado. She’s in Texas now. I hope that she will adjust to driving in the snow. She’s a southern gal from New Orleans so it will be a huge change for her.
She is looking forward to it. Is Colorado your home town?
But none of us are ever truly alone. God is just a whisper away. I know sometimes I forget and think I have to do this on my own but none of us need to. He wants to help.
I know having an actual real life person that you can see and hear is important too. That's where I so miss my mom. She was that stability in my life. But NHWM, we are all here for you, ready to listen and try to support you. Never forget that.
I feel like you do. We never stop missing those we love when they leave this world. I think of my dad often. I was a ‘daddy’s girl.’ He died a long time ago (2002) but he lives in my heart just as I am sure that your mom lives in yours.
Here is another good site for her to read driving tips at:
https://www.uncovercolorado.com/winter-driving-tips-colorado/
She had a horrible accident right after she got her license and totaled my car! It was most definitely her fault. I told her not to drive with friends in the car because she was a new driver. Did she listen? Nope! She had three other girls in the car. She was knocked unconscious. One other girl had minor injuries, the others were okay along with the driver from the other car.
I was terrified when I heard of the accident. My friend wouldn’t let me drive to the hospital because she was afraid that I would end up in an accident too from being so nervous. She brought me and when I saw her covered in blood I broke down in tears. Her face was bleeding and she got stitches above her eye.
The first thing she said was, “Mom, I am sorry about your car.” My response was, “I don’t care about the car, honey. I love you.”
She was hurt but thank God, no internal bleeding. She had a concussion and still has some back issues but other than that she’s okay.
I wouldn’t relive those teen years over again. She ended up being a good driver in the end. Your husband was an angel to teach your daughter to drive. My husband taught my girls too. He was better at it than I was. My daughters took driver’s education lessons but it takes awhile before they are ready to drive safely.
I am going to tell her about the lessons that you mentioned. She’s just outside of Denver, Capital Hill. She says it is a very walkable neighborhood.
My husband also had cancer and refused to let me tell any of his family (many siblings and an adult son by a previous marriage) or friends of his illness. I had not heard of this forum at that time, but we had one relative who lived 2000 miles away and he let me tell her and her family about his illness b/c he knew she would not call or ask questions. I was my husband's sole caretaker. There are times and situations as a caretaker you just have to talk about or even holler about so you don't explode. Communicating by email with my far away relative saved my bacon.
I also kept a journal during treatment and caretaking, partly to record procedures and conditions, but it was also a place I could say things I could say nowhere else.
We are all glad to "listen" when you feel like "talking."
After my husband died I wrote in my journal for hours at a time. I recommend a small book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman. It approaches grieving in a systematic way which might not appeal to everyone, but which I found helpful after my husband died..
It sounds like your mother is in a facility for Hospice. The What To Expect publications Hospice provides are very helpful. You might find some support in some of these publications as you take care of your husband.
The dreaded c word has entered your lives but I write that with a small c on purpose. I write Hopefull with a big H.
The new normal you find yourselves in can be overwhelming - with appointments & treatments being so time consuming. Try to make time for the special moments in life that you both enjoy too. Doesn't have to be big things... a cuppa on the porch, a favourite movie on the sofa.
I wish you & your DH all the very best care & health ❤️❤️.
Unfortunately, my husband is one who never went to the doctor.
He happened to get shingles and after that was treated he was given a routine examination and that is when the lab results came back as abnormal so he went for further testing and learned that he had aggressive cancer.