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It just seems like I got my life back without caring for my mom and the world came crashing down around me.


Sometimes when I am really thrown for a loop I retreat to be alone with my thoughts. Not sure if that is good or bad but it’s who I am when life gets extra tough.


I feel so vulnerable at this time. I am disappointed in myself that I am not stronger than I am. I am trying to be as strong as I can in front of my sweet husband. He has always been my rock and I truly want to be that for him.


I am always amazed at the strength that I have seen from some of you and I have total compassion for those who struggle with life’s issues regarding health of those we care for.


God knows that I did not handle the stress of being a caregiver to my mom as well as I would have liked to and I relied on this forum for guidance. All of you helped tremendously and I know that you are extremely caring people.


I decided to try to speak about the issues that are of concern to me with this forum because I have received a lot of comfort in the past from the lovely people on this site.


I saw the lovely private messages from many of you and I truly appreciate all of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially for the good wishes and prayers.


My husband has been diagnosed with cancer. Please say prayers for him. My daughters are naturally upset about their dad. They are both ‘daddy’s girls’ just like I was with my father.


My daughter found a place to live in Colorado and we will miss her greatly but we don’t want her to change her plans because of our recent situation with my husband’s health. She will be leaving soon.


We are pleased with my husband’s doctor and even though the doctor has said his cancer is aggressive he is hopeful.


I fully realize the advances in the treatment of cancer, it is still scary to hear the word cancer. He will start treatment soon, as soon as possible and he and his doctor decide on the best plan of action.


A while back I applied for and accepted a job offer and worked for a short while but when the situation worsened with Covid they downsized and of course being recently hired I was in the group that lost employment.


It’s for the best that I am no longer working because shortly afterwards my husband was informed about his cancer.


We are doing our best to stay positive for a good outcome during this time. I am not sure how much I will be online. It all depends on what is going on, especially with my emotions and I don’t always express myself well when I am flustered.


I gave everything that I had inside me to care for my mom and in spite of the difficulties I loved her tremendously and still do. She is hanging on. God bless her. I honestly wish that God would take her home so that she could be reunited with my dad. None of us really know when it is our time to leave this world.


Mom is now with hospice. I speak to her occasionally but the relationship is strained. The most is important thing is that she is being cared for. That brings me peace regarding my feelings about the situation.


It is very different being concerned about a spouse rather than a parent. Isn’t it? My husband is the love of my life and always has been. I am so very grateful to have him in my life. I honestly cannot imagine life without him. I suppose somewhere deep down inside me I always wanted to die before him because I never wanted to say goodbye to him. Has anyone else felt that way too?


I have rambled on for too long. Forgive me. I think that is why I couldn’t share my feelings with the group and I stayed away because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to focus clearly on how I felt. It’s hard.


My husband is very private and has asked me not to speak family about his cancer because of the difficulties that occurred. I understand this and respect his wishes.


Sending my love to each and every one of you and I hope that all of you are doing as well as you can.


I missed all of you very much.

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NHWM--

Being on the receiving end of a cancer dxlast year--I can relate to what your DH is feeling.

Until he starts TX, it's a scary time. You just don't KNOW what's going to happen.
My cancer was also VERY aggressive and I didn't have time to think through what was going on. Once I began TX I felt more empowered.

I had a couple of friends who stood by me. My kids were sweet, but terrified. My DH stepped out, emotionally, and physically, by taking as many out of town jobs as he could. He only took me to 2/6 of my infusions--just couldn't handle it. He acted the exact way I expected, and so I was hurt, but not surprised.

You just be there for your DH. It's scary.

Now that I am in remission, I am more impressed by myself and the strength of my faith and the love of the few friends who could handle it.

Take care of yourself as you take care of DH. My heart aches for you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thanks so much for your kindness, Mid. You have a way of always saying just the right thing. I appreciate it.
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I was just happened to think of you today, and how I had always enjoyed seeing your wise and witty contributions to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear of your husband's illness! I am praying for a complete healing and a rapid recovery.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thanks. I thought of all of you often too. This really is a family of wonderful people.
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NeedHelp, good to have you back. So thrilled to hear of the peace you have come to with Mom. Quite honestly when my brother died in May there was, much as I loved him all my long life, a huge degree of peace that came down on me almost at once. I didn't have to be afraid for him and he didn't have to be afraid for himself any more. It is good when we can meet this honesty within ourselves. The worst grief is the grief that grows from the confusion of conflicting feelings and not being honest within our own hearts. The confusion of not recognizing ourselves for the creatures of limitation that we are. I so admire your thinking now on this subject with your Mom. You are so right. We don't get to decide the time and the circumstances. But we can work on our own hearts and souls for acceptance and peace, and clearly you have done a whole lot of that work.
Hon, as to your hubby and his diagnosis, I will start with I am so sorry. But I will tell you that you are on a journey you will take together now like Hansel and Gretel in the woods. And hand in hand you will make such deep deep connections of honesty, of support, of strength to and from one another, that you cannot imagine. I was diagnosed with cancer less than a year after meeting my partner, ours a grown up love after he and I had each raised a couple of kids to adulthood, and met soon after. That diagnosis came on like a ton of bricks and was told that it was an aggressive breast cancer that had spread to 2 nodes already. That was almost 34 years ago. We are still together.
So often now there are amazing treatments that can buy so much time we go of some more natural reason before the cancer can get us. It is sometimes now treated for some as an almost "chronic condition".
You cannot know what the journey will be. And fear is so much of what is bad. But you will actually learn to have some laughs at some point and I know that's hard to believe, but you WILL. I don't mean to suggest that cancer brings any gifts to our lives. It doesn't. It's a dread disease. But there ARE gifts to be pulled out of the air, surprises, and you will see them as they come.
Again, I am so sorry. FEAR is hideous and it will come for you and come at you, so let it in. LET IT IN. Plan out the whole dad-gum funeral if you have to. Then you can live.
Best to you in this fight. Remember the old film with I think it was Jeff Bridges? Or was it his brother Beau? Star Man. Where they guy was from the other planet? And at some point he says to the "humans" "Know what I love about you guys most? When things are at their worst you are at your best". Sometimes true of us. Oh! And "When does the sadness end?" It never does. But neither does the BEAUTY. Remember that. Neither does the beauty.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
I see so much wisdom in your answer. I am going to read this advice over and over.

Your words have truly encouraged me. Thanks so much.
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So glad to see you back here and posting. So sorry, though, to hear about your husband's diagnosis. I often think I'd like to die before my DH too, just so I don't have to suffer the heartache of losing him and being alone. But then I squash those negative thoughts and try to focus on living in the present moment. Today is all any one of us truly HAS. While we worry about our DHs dying next month, we can die tonight in our sleep. So the important thing, I think, is to enjoy each moment and to share love, intimacy and respect with one another while we are alive each day.

My husband's BFF was diagnosed with very aggressive stage 4 lymphoma about 2 years ago. He was given a very slim chance of living; in fact, the Kaiser doctors told him there was nothing more they could do for him on several occasions, and told him to take as many opiates as he'd like to relieve his pain. Fast forward to today. He's in 100% remission; his PET scans are all CLEAR and 100% cancer/tumor free. He's back to work and has regained the 40 lbs he lost during treatment. He has no more chemo or radiation treatments, he's 'cured' for all intents and purposes, although the doctors do not like to use that word.

There is hope. In this day and age, no matter what kind of cancer DH has, there IS HOPE. My own ex-DH was diagnosed 5 years ago with stage 4 colon cancer that wound up metastasizing into his liver and LUNGS. Fast forward to today; he's 5 years cancer FREE and being written up in the medical journal (whatever it's called) as a 'miracle' case, so to speak. His treatments are being published as life-saving, and he's becoming famous (when before he was only infamous, yuck yuck).

There is hope, and that is what you need to remember and hold onto.

And you also need to be careful about comparing yourself to others, especially here on this (or any other internet) website. In fact, don't compare yourself to any other person on earth. We all handle things differently. What you may interpret as 'strength' in me, I may interpret as 'weakness' in myself. You went above and beyond caring for your mother for many years. Just b/c it went south at the end because of your BROTHERS, that doesn't make you 'less than' or weak or something you're not. We're all human, my friend, and as such, imperfect. We do the best we can yet we use a ridiculous yardstick to value ourselves and to judge ourselves with. Ditch the yardstick and concentrate on all you ARE and all you've BEEN and all you DO for so MANY. So many of us here on AC have missed you; I myself received several messages about 'where is NHWM?' I didn't know and couldn't say, but I was concerned too. I'm glad you're back, in any capacity, for however long. There is strength in numbers, dear lady, and power in the knowledge we're not really alone on this earth.

Finally, I'm glad to hear your mother is under hospice care. She will be comfortable and feel no suffering anymore, which is what I'm fighting for on behalf of my own mother. To listen to her cry with chronic pain and to know that no painkillers thus far are helping her is what makes ME feel 'less than' and inadequate. Despite the fact that it's not my doing; I'm not a doctor and have no say in how she's medicated. It's the feeling of helplessness we don't like; the feeling of being mortal when what we want to do is play God. We're best to leave that job to Him, I think.

Sending you a hug and prayer for inner peace and acceptance. And a strong hope you'll keep coming back!
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
I agree. There is hope and that is exactly what I need to hear right now.

You have experienced a lot and I always learn something from your posts.

Thanks so much for caring.
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NHWM, i am so glad to see you back, no matter how briefly. I am sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis but will put him on my list of "in my thoughts" for a good outcome.

Many (((((((hugs))))))))).
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thank you so very much. That means the world to me.
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I wish you, your husband and your entire family peace in your hearts as you travel through this health event. In scripture, God doesn't make many 100% promises but He does state that anyone who prays to Him for wisdom WILL receive it (James 1:5). I have prayed for it many times. God bless!
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Everyone will be so happy to see you back! 😂
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me.
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Sorry about your husband. That must be very difficult.
I read something about alkaline foods rich in oxygen that help the body.
May you and your husband be healthy and happy
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thank you very much.
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NHWM, I am so sorry to read about your husband's diagnosis. You have come back to a group that will be very supportive to you.

I know about the retreating, I am the same way as your husband, I do not like to talk about my health and don't like going to the doc either. I had to go to the doc when Covid hit to be able to work in my office instead of in the front where all the people traffic is. I was labeled as insubordinate. That is the way it goes, too bad for them that they do not intimidate me!

Great your daughter found a place to live. I bet she is happy she is not here yet. We have snow in the metro area and south and west. Some places up to a foot of it. A temperature swing from 100 over the weekend to a high of 38 yesterday. Supposed to be colder today. This is very early for here.

HAPPY you are back! Check in again soon.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Thanks for your response. It’s true that each of us handles different situations in our own way. It’s not a ‘right or wrong’ type of thing. We process our circumstances individually, as we should.

My daughter is looking forward to the change in seasons. I’m sure that she will send us pictures of the snow. She’s going to be just outside of Denver in a very walkable neighborhood. She’s excited about living there.

How hard is it to drive in the snow? I suppose once you get used to it, it is okay.
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NeedhelpWithMom, just read your post. I am so sorry about your dear husband and of course I will be praying for him for strength, healing and comfort. There are so many treatments out there now and really good doctors, but remember there are doctors and then there is God. I pray that God gives you the strength to carry on and be a rock for your husband at a time when he needs you most. Try to keep a positive outlook and know God can heal anyone. My cousin was healed from MS, she was in a W/C almost in a nursing home, God healed her and now she is in her eighties and doing very well for her age. Do not give up hope, we thought my mother was going to die one Easter morning, the doctors left the room for me to make important decisions, and when the doctor came back after I said the Our Father with my mom and family were praying at church, my mother started to move, talk and was immediately back to normal. ER doctor was shocked and amazed. I believe in miracles, and I hope you do too. Private message me anytime, night or day. Please come to the Forum for support from all your AC friends, we are here for you, like you were for all of us. I am pretty private myself, I had a serious health problem three years ago, I could have died, most people would not survive, but God had another plan and I am well today because of him. My doctor could not understand and was quite puzzled how quickly I recovered. I was up and about in a few days, family wanted me to stay put and do nothing, but I was determined and knew I was ok. Doctor told me I had no restrictions and could go on with my life as previous. Nothing is impossible when you put your trust in God. I will keep your husband and all of you in my prayers. I will ask my family to pray as well. I missed you very much and so glad you shared your news with all of us. Sending you a big hug.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2020
I love to hear about miracles.....you made my evening! 😁
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