Follow
Share

My Mom has been retired for 24 yrs. My MIL for over 30 yrs. We're taking care of both of them now. They've had a lot of fun in their retirement. When do we get to have fun in our retirement? Will it ever happen? This seems to be a trend in our society now. Maybe they could start housing developments made for extended families that would have adult day care onsite so people could get respite. All single level homes, or homes that have bedrooms on the main floor for the seniors in the family. Any ideas?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
eguillot, the $300 Store.... thanks for the laugh :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Jessie - I texted my husband a while ago to ask him if he survived the Costco trip and if he needed bail money - he said yes he survived, and no he didn't need bail, but he finally told her to go sit down because her hip was bothering her (because she had to go up and down every single aisle and look at everything), so he got the list from her and finished it up. They got out of there for under $150, which I always consider a success. I call Costco the $300 store - cause it seems like that's what it always costs you when you go there. Unless you go there on a Friday or Saturday with the intention to only eat your way through the demos. I've done that when I've had free time - it's fun - but you have to have to have resolve that you are NOT going to buy - just eat all the samples and go home full. FREE FOOD!! LOL The etiquette is no more than one sample at any one station, that's why you have to go on Friday or Saturday - lots to choose from and fill you up. (I have a Costco less than a mile from me - it's cheap entertainment lol).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I hate taking any of the folks to Costco.. I am an in and out kinda girl, dislike the crowds... They want to eat their way around, and MIL says yes to any sales person who says "do you want to buy some..." Then I have to sneak it out of the cart... The only plus is my mom pays for it all or I would be broke!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Ashlynne, my Mom said the same thing when I asked Dad to please start helping Mom with shopping, otherwise he just wanders off to the other side of the store.... after they were almost finished Mom said *he's slowing me down, I don't want him to help me".... [sigh]

Since then, I cut their trips to this store in half.... it was easier for me to shop by myself, and take them at a later date.... very much later date. Now Mom is buying more than just one pack of toilet paper because they ran out before our next trip to this store and had to borrow toilet paper from me ;)

Is this what we all will be looking forward to in retirement? Running out of toilet paper :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

:-D

Please keep us updated on hubby's safety and sanity, equillot.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please pray for my husband - he just called - he was on his way to Costco with my MIL LOL
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

At a time when I was caring for her and was still able to (sort of) drive my mother took a 90 year old house bound friend to the supermarket and swore she'd never do it again. "She is so slow, I'll never do it again". In a short time she was unable to drive and on a walker, falling a lot, but it was up to me to take her and supervise everywhere ... no matter, I was just the live in slave to be used and abused on a daily basis at will.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Eeguillot, LOL shopping with your MIL is similar to me shopping with my Dad... and many a time I bought things from him that he wanted to return to the store [even if I didn't need it] because it was far easier than taking him back to the store :)

Cdeh61, I am only child, too, who will inherit quite a bit... my Dad must still have the first share of GE stock he bought back in 1944. But with my on health issues and that of my significant other, my parents might outlive the both of us. I rather have my parents use the money on themselves, to make life easier for themselves. But they won't..... [sigh]

The way things are going, we might have one weekend of retirement in 2019.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

cdeh61 - I understand where you're coming from. I'm sure you love your parents dearly, as I love my Mom and MIL - but it gets tiring. I'm concerned about the whole system. Since people are living longer now you basically have to plan on someone in your family caring for you or you have to have no assets left to give them or you have to pay for really expensive long term care insurance. It's sad. There has to be a better way. I guess you should give all your assets to your family before you start going downhill. Let them inherit in advance. At least the house or whatever.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Same question we have asked ourselves several times recently! My husband is 65 and supervises care of his aunt whose 97. I'm a 64 yr old only child, whose caring for my dad & mom, 95 & 93 and still trying to run a small family business, because we don't have quite enough money to retire on. None of them have any Life-threatening illness and frankly could live on into their 100's! eguillot, like you I stand to inherit a very comfortable amount, but until I do, there's no retirement!!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

But that doesn't begin to cover the breakdown in the body that occurs. Nice that doctors are recognizing it, though.

My MIL is the WORST for long shopping trips. And this is not something new with her - she's always been this way. But the last time I went with her, she wanted to get some lipstick, and we were at Walmart for about 2 hours. When we went to check out, she waited until we were at the cashier to dig into her big purse to find her wallet, then wanted to find exact change. Of course her coins were in her coin purse, in the bottom of big bag. There were 6 people in line in back of back of us (cosmetics has it's own check out) and I'm mouthing "sorry" and "Lo siento" to the people in back of us. When we got home, she tried the lipstick, discovered it was wrong color and wanted to return it! I told her you can't return lipstick once it's been used, but I'd buy it from her because I liked the color. That made her happy. Thank God. I wasn't going to go through that again. She went without lipstick.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh my gosh, there is such a thing as Caregiver Syndrome. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caregiver_syndrome
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

eguillot, you are so right about that... I would be *free* or my parents would have found a coupon to use :)

For me, time is money.... but my parents don't understand that. Any time I take Dad to Home Depot and it is time to check-out, Dad only has one light bulb in his cart after roaming around that huge place for two hours.... while in the store I am thinking I could have washed 2 loads of laundry while doing research for work... [sigh].

Retirement sounds so nice. When my grandfather retired he would spend his days out fishing.... my grandmother stayed home doing cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping.... hey, wait a minute, WHEN do women get to retire????
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

LOL !! Too funny freqflyer & equillot...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

But they would be fine with that because they wouldn't have pay that person ;)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Today I am going to try to ask my parents [who are in their 90's and still live independently at their home] if they needed to hire a Caregiver, and the agency sent over this person = the Caregiver has zero training in elder caregiving.... doesn't know CPR or how to take a blood pressure reading.... if you fall she couldn't help lift you up because she is limited to lifting 15 pounds due to a heart condition.... she has panic attacks driving on major roadways... doesn't like housework.... is a terrible cook.... she works part-time at her career..... oh, and she is over 65.... would my parents be fine with a Caregiver like that??? Of course not.

Well, that person would be me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Caregiver syndrome - I like that :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Eguillot, oh my gosh your shopping trip with your Mom sounds like mine with my parents. After awhile my back will start hurting because I am reaching the top shelves [which are too high for me] an/or getting heavy cans of fruit off the bottom shelves hoping I can get up without tumbling over. Plus my Mom now has very poor eyesight so she is taking items off the shelves to look closer at the item, then putting the items back wherever.... I feel like I am an employee at the store because I am restocking the shelves.

YES, we need to find a good name for all the health issues a Caregiver can get, as so many are the same ones each and every one of us get, no matter if someone is a 24/7 caregiver or part-time or on-call. I like *caregiver syndrome*.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm so tired and I hurt so bad! I've got fibromyalgia, epilepsy, pre-diabetes, degenerative disc disease that is giving me fits from lifting the darn walker in and out of the trunk all the time - today - in 110 degree heat I've done it about 6 times.

I'm home now and refuse to go out again. Mom had an echo, PET scan, had her hearing aids adjusted, we went to the drug store to pick up and drop off prescriptions (2x), swung by another doctor to pick up another prescription (for narcotics - you have to pick those up in person), then went to the grocery store. Oh, yeah, this morning I stripped the beds and did the laundry before the cleaning ladies got here (every 2 weeks they come and do heavy cleaning that I can't do). Tonight it's an easy dinner of Salmon Caesar Salad - last night we had broiled salmon., then Mom will watch the basketball finals (I hate basketball, so will get to play on Facebook in peace).

Mom has been getting incontinent, so there's lots of laundry to do. Going shopping with Mom is worse than going shopping alone. She likes to walk with the cart if she's capable of it that day. Then she wants to wander alone. That leaves me to shop without a cart, going back and forth carrying things to her. I only have a minimal amount of time I can be on my feet to begin with, and once my back starts to spasm, that's it. That happened today, we were in produce, and she was wondering if there were pineapples, and I told her, "If there are, they're all the way at the other end of the aisle, and my back isn't going there". She got the idea pretty quick by my voice, and we headed to check out. I'm only 57. And I'm supposed to take care of her???? Three years ago I was in pretty good shape. I really think we can call a lot of this a caretaker disease, or at least a syndrome. Social isolation, stress, depression - it's hard on your body, mind and soul.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My hubs and I had must seen our daughter out of the nest and were about to relax when the folks had to move in. We have not had a "real" vacation in years as we were paying for college for her (No loans..yippee!!) and then the folks arrived. Hubs family has a nice place on the river, but when we go there now for our "family" vacay.. they come and stay too. FIL is 91, MIL is 89 and has some kind of dementia but they are all in denial. So I spent last years vacay taking care of 4 infirm parents, one of Hubs 68 year old cousins and trying to relax...lol and enjoy my hubs and my daughter and her friends. I am over it. As to retirement.. we bought housezilla when the market was good, thinking that one set of folks would be moving in. It's resale would be good except we have had to refinace due to the economy. We'll still be ahead, but not as much. and even thought the folks are wealthy. I see more care needed in their future.. and who know what the ILs will do.. we dont even have copies of thier supposed POA
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It has always iked me whenever I read that the chosen one decided by other relatives to care of an aging parent is usually a grown daughter, especially one who is divorced and/or has no children. Come on, are the grown sons incapable of being Caregivers?

Do people assume that being born female means we were born being trained to be caregivers? If I wanted to be a caregiver I would have gone into that trained field, taken classes, and got my degree, and made a career out of it.

What scare me and causes me many sleepless nights is wondering if my parents assume that since I am their only child that I would automatically be their Caregiver when that time comes. Right now I have been their *driver* for the past 5 years and I am frazzled just doing that, I need to get time off from work.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1DivineDiva: ??? if your brother doesn't want Mom to go to sisters house because of BIL, then tell your brother he can take Mom!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have plenty of things that I want to do when I get to officially "retire." I went through a divorce that was devastating. I was busy getting myself together and trying to learn to enjoy life again when all of a sudden my mother could no longer live by herself...so according to my 3 siblings...I was the one who should leave my home that I was trying to establish post divorce and move 100 miles away to live full-time with my mother. I have been here now almost 2 years and am approaching age 67. I do everything here...the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping...the snow shoveling...everything...in addition to my mother's care. My mother has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. She is confined to a wheelchair,
wears adult diapers and has to have help getting up and down from the wheelchair and in and out of the bed. There are days when she has to have her clothing changed three times because she has lost control of her bowels.

I have recently joined a Caregiver's Support Group. Most of the people in this group have hired help staying with their loved ones.

All of my siblings has been on countless vacations and are free to do as they please in their daily lives. I recently told them that I want to take a month off in the fall to do some things at my home that need attention and to go on a vacation... Of course, no one has any ideas of who can come to stay with my mother. I checked with Home Instead in our community to get rates...$20.75 an hour for personal care (my mother needs help with toileting and getting cleaned up). I am so depressed and am becoming so resentful. There is no one to help me and my mother says that she is not willing to pay to have someone to come in to help out while I have a vacation. I barely have money to pay my bills and do not have the money...

I have no social connections in this community. All of the people that I come into contact with are either my mother's friends or friends of my sister (who lives 2 miles up the road from my mother). My sister has offered to take my mother into her home but my brother does not like my brother-in-law and says that he will have our mother put into a nursing home before she will spend one night in my sister's home...

Any ideas would be appreciated...

I am worried about what is going to happen when my mother passes and I go back to my home 100 miles away. I will have to start all over again...trying to make friends...and I'm concerned about what my health is going to be after wearing myself out taking care of my mother...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother totally refused to lift a finger to help her parents when they were old and sick. She lived around the corner, nice house and car, a lady of leisure while my father busted his chops to cater to her every whim. She was far too busy shopping, getting her hair done and going on exotic vacations. Once she became old and sick she had no problem demanding I give up my home, career and friends to move 200km to care for her. Narcissist to the end. I'm 65 and, now she's in a NH, just starting to rebuild my life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Well, I am retired, and a distance caregiver with POA medical and financial for my mother who is 102 and going strong physically. Thankfully I was able to work into my 70s and maximize my pension, as distance caregiving brings expenses such as travelling to my mother's city and staying in hotels. I was there over a week recently packing up her apartment and putting things into storage. It was the 4th trip this year. I find even distance caregiving takes up a considerable amount of my available energy.

As some have mentioned about their families, my mother did what she wanted in her retirement and had no caregiving duties as my father died when she was about 65. She had no caregiving duties for her parents who lived with her oldest bro.

What lies ahead - who knows?

I am 76 now and expect this will go on for some years yet. Mother is (and always has been) mentally ill and now has paranoia and vascular dementia so needs specialized care, but is physically healthy. I am thankful that I don't do hands on caregiving - couldn't and knew it from years back, but even distance caregiving, especially of a mentally ill parent, is stressful, and I find it affecting my health.

There are things I would like to do, like take some courses, but know that they would be difficult to complete due to my mother's illness. During the winter I had 3 phone calls a day from her, the vast majority of which were basically crazy. They affected my concentration and stress levels.

Thankfully sig other and I have been able to travel a bit. That has helped I think I am coming to accept that caring for mother, like it or not, will continue to be a significant part of my life in retirement. It certainly is not what I planned, nor is it what the media talk/write about for people my age.

Solutions??? I don't have any.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"This whole situation is very scary."
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

freqflyer - that's exactly what I'm talking about! The problem is (at least with my husband and I), we didn't save adequately, and when we thought we had enough, first one financial disaster (tech wipeout of '02) then another (job loss and housing crash) wiped out what we had. We didn't really worry too much about it, though - because, as I always laughingly say, "I'm an heiress". And my husband has his mother's home, that, while not worth a fortune, he's always known would be his someday. It's free and clear, and he was told his mom had long term care insurance, so he didn't have anything to worry about. She would just go in the Lutheran Home when the time came. Well it's about time, or will be soon, so we looked into her care insurance, and apparently what she did was prepay an entrance fee. When it's time, she has to sign over all her assets! I don't think she was aware of that. Now, I'm concerned for my husband. If anything were to happen to me before I have inherited, according to the terms of the trust, my portion of the estate will go to my kids (who are not my husbands children, although he raised them). If his Mom goes into a nursing home, he will be left with only SS. Not enough. This whole situation is very scary. My poor husband is fearful is living under a bridge. He has been an amazing husband and a great son and son in law. He worked hard his whole life. His last job, which he just left in March, he worked for a tribal casino, and they enjoyed working him 90 hours a week - on salary, of course. He often worked 3 weeks in a row without a day off. I made him retired because I was afraid he was going to drop dead. Now he's afraid he's going to be old and homeless. You just can't win.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

That's one question I've been asking myself, when will *I* retire???.... when my parents were my age they were traveling all over the world..... I know I probably sound spoiled, but hey how about me? My parents are in their 90's and in good health. The way it is going, they might just outlive me :(

Our parents are living longer and longer, which is great if they are in the right setting.... think about it, someone who is 100 is having their child who is 80 trying to take care of them, and they aren't able then the grandchild who is 60 is helping out their own parents plus the grandparents, or the great-grandchild who is 40 is trying to care for 3 generations.

I am just hoping that us baby boomers will be setting a new example by moving into these fantastic retirement villages that are springing up all over the place. They are for those who are 55+ and older. Many have *continuing care* if one needs to go the next step. I know I am ready to sign up :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My siblings are sure enjoying their retirements.. Just look on their FB page...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Apparently we don't. I know my parents looked after my grandparents who only made it to 70 something. Now we are boomers ready to need care ourselves and our parents are 80 something. Our children are parents that both work. No relief in sight!!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.