When does caregiver burnout become a serious problem?

I think it's important to know yourself, your capabilities and your limitations. You've taken on a huge burden by agreeing to care for all these people..........are you absolutely certain you WANT to do this? I know myself. I would not be able to do it, nor would I want to. If I did take on such a burden, speaking to a professional wouldn't be an answer for me because I'd still have the burden of caring for 3 people and feeling overwhelmed about it.

If you really WANT to do this and need help in figuring out how to cope with the weight of the responsibility, then it's a great idea to speak to a pro. If not, then re-think the entire arrangement.

Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK!

Unless you are someone's guardian, or they are your minor child, they are responsible for themselves.

Have any of these folks appointed you their power of attorney?

You need respite BEFORE you reach the breaking point, which might be sooner than you originally thought. Get it, else you faint and fall ill. Prayers sent to you.

I should have gotten more help than I I did. I did see a therapist a few times, a grief counselor before my Mom died (hospice paid for a certain number of visits for me; it was included although I had to ask repeatedly for help for ME). I took over all of my Mom's affairs singlehandedly about five years before she died, because I was an only child and she and my Dad had been divorced for decades.
By the time I stepped in, she was in the moderate stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, and unable to safely function on her own any longer. I decided to divorce my husband around the same time as I was clearing out my Mom's household hoard; I was truly alone and in a state of panic and shock. I found online forums to be somewhat helpful; this site and Alz.org are very good and free. I should have also been attending in-person support groups, but I was so busy working, running my own life, and my Mom's, so I didn't.
Since my Mom passed, I have formed a local meetup group for singles with loved ones afflicted by Alzheimer's/Dementia. Now, I have my Father's affairs to manage, since he has mild-moderate dementia and probably shouldn't be driving for too much longer. My new little group has about a dozen members so far and our first meeting is next month; it's in the Denver area if you happen to be in the Rocky Mountains. My idea is to focus on a few of the "big topics" with each meeting; for example, our first discussion will be centered on placement issues for our loved ones. The next meeting will probably focus on family dynamics (in-laws and outlaws). When I was in the thick of my despair, I self-medicated in a way by "extreme dating", overspending, and working out to the point of being skeletal (94 pounds). Can you objectively see that you are acting out in ways that are harming yourself or others?
Friends and family of course are usually(?) helpful, but I managed to push loved ones away and estrange myself from a few family members due to my bad behavior. I had a short fuse, and would shout on the phone with almost everyone; it embarrasses me to think about the way I acted. I was so angry and grief-stricken that I didn't realize what I was doing before I had damaged those relationships beyond repair. Without knowing how you are behaving (or not behaving?), my best advice is for you to take advantage of all the counseling and support groups that you can. These online forums are great, but nothing beats face to face support.

If you're thinking it's a serious problem then it's a serious problem.

"After the death of my Uncle, I have found myself responsible for my Aunt. They have a son. He is mentally ill and abusive towards my Aunt. I have found her a wonderful assisted living facility in California, but I would love to have her closer to me in Montana. Her son is in a homeless shelter and cannot do anything to care for her, but I hesitate to move her away from where he is. I truly need advice on what to do. I am grateful for any advice you can offer . I'm feeling very lost in this totally unexpected situation. Thanks for your support!"

You have choices. It sounds like you have bitten off more than you can chew. As sad as it is, you've done what you can for your aunt. You cannot also take on *her* "homeless" son.

As long as you continue to try to carry your mother, your aunt and your aunt's hopeless son atop your shoulders, no, this will not "just pass" and something will give e.g. your health, your marriage, your work, etc. If you consider yourself a fixer then seek help immediately from a professional who can help you extricate yourself from this triad of tragedy.

You aren't nuts, just brain tired. If your sleep is being interrupted, you really will feel crazy...hard to stay on track...can't remember what you were doing 5 minutes ago. Nature of the game. What you need is some rest - and if you can do it, rest outside of the home. Maybe a few nights at a hotel or a vacation.

Not sure if you have the financial means to hire someone for 24/7 so you can get a a break periodically. Or perhaps a relative(s) that could give you about a week reprieve, but it will allow you to rest your brain - and you need it. If you have any willing relatives, then ask. Don't wait for them to ask you what you need - ask them. If there is some $$ from any of these folks you take care of, use some for you. Not all of us have the means to get help even when there are multiple siblings. If you have access, use it. Best wishes to you!

You need a plan to keep yourself healthy - physically and mentally. Make sure your physical needs are met: 7-9 hours of sleep every night, healthy diet, plenty of fluids, regular exercise... and check-ups to treat any of your problems early. Then, address your emotional/social needs: regular contact with people who love and affirm you, managing stress through engaging several times a week in activities that nurture you, time away from caregiving weekly, and realize when stress is accumulating so you can make changes.

When you feel stress is accumulating, then it is time to reach out for help: pastors, counsellors, good friends can listen and cue you into areas that may need changes.

I feel for you! It's hard enough caring for one person, much less three. Please speak to someone and figure out a way to get you some help with caring for your family. It's not fair that you have to do it all on your own! You're no good to anyone half dead and horribly stressed out. This website has helped me very much! We are all in a similar boat as you and the last thing I personally want is to have any regrets or guilt like I had before joining this site, when I knew deep down that I've been doing the best job that I can and my dad is being well taken care of.
Please take care of yourself too!

I am asking the same question. I am going on ten years of caregiving. 2 for my sister and dad, and now 8 yrs for my mother. I am NOT the same person and I recently asked the rest of my family to realize the depths of my transformation from being strong and independent to being just a sponge of negativity. My only conversation is about the latest health issue of my mother. It is that bad. And I am so sad. My mother is going to be 94, and on hospice for 10 months, but managing her along with hospice has become a full time job. I pray to be released from this life of caretaking even though I know it will be because my mother is no longer here. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently. It is too much. Please do whatever it takes to get your life back. You are entitled to your life and the way you want to live it.

Are you all under one roof? Assuming your cousin is not elderly, or even younger than you, he or she could become dependent on you for many years. Talk to a social worker about long term options such as Medicaid or a group home for him or her.

Reach out to your local Aging Service Access Point and ask about Caregiver Support.  They may have group meetings you can attend and individual one on one coaching.

I feel your pain..2 1/2 months ago I became THE caregiver for my 86 yr old mom..my brother does not “feel a bond” to her so for the most part I am it. She was moved out of his home when she became needy on a daily basis. She is in an independent facility with me the “assisted” part of her life. I finally gave up my volunteer work and most personal activities..I had no energy. I tried getting counseling but being on medicare I found one medicare covered facility in our town ...with a 3 month waiting list. I am still waiting! Our area has one support group for Alzheimers families, on a day that I have mom obligations..and she is not a dementia patient. She is a passive aggressive depressive with multiple old age issues.. My church family has held me up in prayer and support. This road looks long and hard. One patient is enough let alone 3. I miss my retirement..at 68 I thought I would have more than 3 years to enjoy it..Try counseling, try support groups, try church.. so sorry ...

I knew I needed to talk with a therapist when my sweet sister said she couldn’t be everything for me through this. I was grappling with feelings about my dad and my caregiving that was seriously causing me much pain and I would burst into tears in my car and I thought, I need to see someone. It helped tremendously to have my therapist's listening, non judgmental ear and letting me know what I felt was ok and normal. She helped me with some ways to cope. My dad is fortunate to have saved a lot of money for someone with just a high school education, and I used his funds to pay for my sessions as Medicare did not pay a LPC. They will however pay for a psychologist or a MSW, but I couldn’t find one taking new patients. So I urge you to go. At one point in my caring, It got so bad that I truly didn’t care if I woke up the next day. I never went on an antidepressant but it hindsight, I probably should have as I was barely coping and had no joy. I’m a thousand times better now.

To xrayjodib, It’s a problem when caregiving impairs the quality of your own life. Some of us are willing to compromise some of our own needs while caring for another. It varies with how much is required, our relationships, and the time over which caregiving is extended. Many factors. But we all have limits.

You are not a sissy. Your life matters. Please get help ASAP.
Also, for many of us there are rewards for caregiving. For starters, it can feel good to help someone when we can. That can add to our confusion. I think the bottom line is we all must set limits on how much time and energy we can give to caregiving. Often some stronger boundaries are needed. Please see previous post on this site about setting boundaries.

1-800-273-8255 Please call if you are having thoughts of suicide. I have yet to see a post that talks candidly and honestly about caregiver mental health. Depending on the various sources, (could be higher) caregivers are about 3 times more likely than the general population to end their own lives and it doesn’t have to happen. I’m so glad this website is here so that we know we’re not alone. I posted this phone number for the National suicide crisis line above.

I had no idea how many people I know have been affected in some way by suicide. I have found the same thing with being a caregiver.
Seems disheartening that there are few answers to either one!
And you're right, God's grace is amazing!!

You’re not nuts. You are normal. Normal people get frustrated with stressful situations.

It’s time to speak to someone whenever you want to. It does help. A therapist has a way of helping us to see what we need to see. They truly are that outside objective voice. I would recommend it.

Best wishes to you. Take care 💗.

It *is* time to talk to a professional - one who can guide you in finding practical support, to take at least part of the work off your shoulders and be ready to step in when needed. Stop and think: what happens to the people you love if anything happens to you?

Caregiver burnout becomes a serious problem, i.e. serious to the extent that it can have terrible consequences, when the damage done to the caregiver impacts on the person or people he or she is caring for.

In only the last couple of days there have been examples (including on the forum) of loving, caring, good people who have been driven to treat their loved ones cruelly and abusively. They are under such strain that they have lost sight of what they themselves want and are trying to achieve. Impatience becomes rough handling, frustration becomes spite, the longing for just a short break turns into neglect of immediate needs. It escalates from there.

And don't think it can't happen to you.

I empathize with where you are at xrayjodib and I completely agree with MAYDAY. I have found so much comfort and wisdom on this site and I hope that you will, too, see that you are not alone from belonging here.

There are times when I think I can't care give one more second. During those times I have learned it is my cue for some alone time. For me, that is a quick walk around the yard, petting my dog for a few minutes or simply plopping on the couch to watch a quick few minutes of the news. I come on here late at night or when mom sleeps. These few simple things help me decompress and refuel. I also pray a lot.

So I hope that you can remember, this too shall pass. If you need professional help then seek it out!. Whatever is going to help you come to terms with your current situation. Even if you find that caring for three other people is depleting you to the point that it is harmful to you, then get out! It isn't worth it in the long run.

Sometimes letting our loved ones go into facilities or have them hire other caretakers is the best for all concern.

Best wishes to you and please keep us posted to how you are doing.

You don't get over grieving... You get through it.. There is no time limit as to how long this grieving will last. You will get through it in time. time seems to heal or at least put a bandaid on it until it does heal over...

Yup, me too.. Unfortunately, mine has dwindled down to one in the last year or so...
and it is hard.. Hang in there. I didn't realize how hard it is or was.. I don't know. I haven't talked to a "professional" .I use this Aging Care site as my "professional". I blog and get things off my chest. My advice to others, as I stated in one answer, are for reading, absorbing, and take what you want, discard what you don't want or like. It may help out later. Captain, who was on the site for a long time, is great.. I like his opinions. He is honest all the way..
Just hang in there. If you feel you need a "jump start", then find one you like and trust. Trust..
I lost a number of LO's in the past few years, very very close. I like to think they are up there, laughing at me, and saying I really screwed up...Or, hopefully, you really screwed up, but you meant well... One way or the other, You can be your own worst enemy.. DO NOT DO THAT... You are doing the best you can with the tools you have... And you ARE OKAY.... You are allowed to be the rock that wobbles when stepped on once in a while... Rocks can be rocky at times, as the paths that you take. You got to roll or role with it. Just stand up, dust yourself off, do a quick check. We are human.. You are allowed to feel that way.. If you can't do it, who can? And if you feel you need a talk with a professional, then make the appointment. It is okay. NObody should judge you.. Nobody.