When do I stop quarantine with mom?

The pandemic seems to be over only because so many people either have been vaccinated or have just decided they don't care, but the reality is that the new variants that are circulating now are more contagious and deadly that the original. If you want some level of normality then you need to encourage everyone to be vaccinated as soon as they are eligible.

You are putting your own life on hold because your medically compromised mother with dementia refuses to be vaccinated? Does that sum things up?

What do her physicians advise? My LO has had Covid infections TWICE. She has now been vaccinated (both shots). I’m SURE she protested. Her protests were. O doubt ignored WITH MY FULL SUPPORT.

What will Mom do if she is told that she MUST BE VACCINATED? Throw a tantrum? Initiate a hunger strike? Pack her bag and move out?

If it was my relative with dementia and physical conditions that made her even MORE VULNERABLE to the already highly contagious condition that the vaccine was for, I would ask her doctor how to manage her BEHAVIOR, AND GET HER VACCINATED.

Perhaps two burly aides who could physically CARRY HER to a vaccination site, or medication, or some special treat, WHATEVER IT TAKES.

When dealing with a cognitively failing adult, SAFETY takes precedence. PERIOD. HER CHOICE? TOTALLY INCONSEQUENTIAL.

If YOU KNOW that she would be unable to live through a Covid infection, or be intubated, or be hospitalized for an indefinite period of time with NO FAMILY PRESENT, you really only have two courses in which to proceed. Vaccination is one of them, continuing to live as you are at present is the other.

Be at peace with the consideration that sometimes there are NO CHOICES EXCEPT DIFFICULT ONES. If you choose, with love, to do what she needs to be safe, you will be doing the right thing.

There is no guarantee with the vaccine. It takes the antibodies a few days to take hold for one thing. No one knows how long the shot will last. They are already talking about a booster next year.

I would talk it over with her doctors. Maybe if everyone wears a mask and keeps their distance it will be OK.

My husband plays hockey with a guy who had both Pfizer shots (1-1/2 months ago) and just tested positive for covid. The vaccines are not 100% protective, more like 76-90%-ish depending on the brand. Pfizer is supposedly the highest. There are no guarantees. But if you are your mother's medical PoA and she has dementia and lung problems then I would tell her a therapeutic fib and give her the vaccine. My 91-yr old mother had the Pfizer and 0 reaction to both. That being said I know other people who had the Moderna and J&J who got very sick from those brands. You both need to get your lives back.

I also stopped life and took every precaution as I’m moms sole caregiver and she lives with us. She is a stroke survivor with some cognitive deficits as well as severe reactions to many antibiotics - I was nervous about her having the vaccine and any reactions - but had to weigh “quality of life” for everyone of us. If your moms health checks out with her doctors then I think you are allowed to make a decision for her as to what is best for all of you in your household. You deserve to see your grandchildren - so I think you have to trust yourself - discuss it with her doctors and with you being her care have every right to help make the decision for you all in your home.
We waited till March and all 3 of us in my house were vaccinated. Mom was recovering from a UTI so we missed her January appt but were able to get her on the “homebound program”. Mom (74) and I had no reactions - my husband had less than 24 hours of flu symptoms - (though he did say if that is what covid is like thank goodness we are somewhat protected - Tylenol helped a lot once he took it) he is 50 and we all had the J&J.
You being the sole caregiver are also allowed to consider yourself - how this affects your quality of life as well as how it would affect your household if anyone got sick - if you feel it’s best - then trust your decision just as you would as a parent making decisions for your family.

Mom shouldn’t be entirely running the show while living in your home. Can you tell her that in order to live there the vaccine is a must? Otherwise, I’d let there be visitors in mask and distanced. Life is too short for such isolation

I understand your feeling like you're between a rock and a hard place.

If my mother had lived long enough to see a vaccine, I doubt very much if she would have *chosen* to get it. She knew she was not going to live much longer with her CHF, and during the worst of the outbreak, she often stated she wasn't at all worried about getting Covid. But I know if she had contracted it from one of us, I would have felt terribly guilty; so if she had lived, I think I would have insisted she get the vaccine, if for nothing more than my own peace of mind that I did everything in my power to mitigate the chances of her contracting the illness.

Let's face it - no one was jumping up and down with joy over the prospect of getting jabbed with a needle; especially for a vaccine that has been so highly politicized, not to mention one that many people feel was rushed through the process. There is still so much vitriol between sides; depending on which website you read, there is all sorts of conflicting data regarding all of the vaccines; and the uncertainty of the safety of some of them (J&J, Astra-Zeneca, etc.) just adds to the fear.

I agree with Ann; ask her doctor and be guided by what he/she tells you. If the doctor thinks mom should get vaccinated, then get her vaccinated. If the doctor thinks it's not a good idea, then follow that advice. But for certain, don't allow this indecision to make the choice for you.

You also need to start thinking about the big picture - I think, as time goes on, there are going to be more and more restrictions in place insisting that people be vaccinated. For example, if your mom goes to any sort of adult day care, I would not be at all surprised if you're going to have to prove vaccination status before you're allowed to use those services. And you should be able to see and hug your grandchild without the worry in the back of your mind that doing so will put your mother at risk. Your needs matter, too.

Good luck!

If your Mom won't take the vaccine she is at risk. It is up to you. At some point you will have to decide if her life is worth living with this constant fear given she won't take the shot. She will NEVER be not at risk.
If it was my Mom, as your question says, I would now allow her to have a normal life, and would understand she is at risk of dying of covid. To be frank, at her age she is at risk of dying--period.

My mother kind of didn't push for getting the vaccine--although she finally did, months after she first could have, Same with MIL.

Both were seriously locked down and depression has followed. Mom will be ok, MIL is probably permanently damaged from nonstop fear. Both are 91!

At some point, we HAVE to live our lives. When that is, is up to each individual. When I see people out walking/exercising in the fresh air with a mask on, I kind of have to wonder at their thinking. Do they think covid is in the air, willy nilly? IDK. Scary to think that FEAR has done this to them.

My DH and I are fully vaccinated and plan now to visit out of state kids. We're going to CA this weekend and I know they are still mask-requiring all over the state, so I'm also buying a package of masks. We're doing mostly out door things so we can be as maskless as possible.

Then up to WA state to see grands we haven't seen in over a year.

I would not allow ONE member of the family to dictate whether or not we can get back to a sense of normal. If you are all vaccinated and mom isn't, then it's on her to either stick around when people visit or leave.

We were good citizens for well over a year and now we're 'good' citizens for getting vaccinated and still observing social distancing. I can't make ANYBODY do ANYTHING except for myself.

I believe that the fear that has been intentionally used to keep us under control is far worse than any virus or pandemic could ever be. You seldom hear about the recovery rate being well over 99%. Why is that??? It's because the powers that be would rather keep us living in fear.

You have put your life on hold long enough. If you want to get the vaccine, get it, and if your mom doesn't want it, that's her choice. Last time I checked this was still America, where we have freedom of choice. I know that our freedoms are slowly being taken away, but for now we still have them.
It's time you start spending time with that precious grandson of yours, and start living your life again, as you will never get that time back with him. You can still do everything you want to while taking the necessary precautions. And that includes having people in your home. Yes, they may still have to wear a mask(if that makes you feel more comfortable)and social distance some, but there's no reason not to get your life back to some sort of normalcy. Dr. Fauci just said over the weekend that you no longer had to wear masks outdoors, as the infection rate is extremely low outdoors, so perhaps you can start with having family get togethers outside. Enough is enough! Time to start living your life again.

My husband, who is mostly housebound, voluntarily wanted the Covid vaccine. This man refuses to get a flu shot because he thinks it gave him A-Fib. His reasoning- he never had A-Fib before, and he never had a flu shot. He got a flu shot, and 3 months later was diagnosed with A-Fib. I thank God that he got the Covid vaccination because I'm pretty sure the MC facility will require it

You know this shouldn't be a black and white choice between totally dropping everything or totally refusing to leave the house, there are a lot of shades of grey in between. OP, have YOU had the vaccine? If you have then there is no reason you can't allow yourself a little more leeway while at the same time keeping your mother's exposure low.
As for her refusal to be vaccinated - since she has dementia you must base the decision on whether she would normally have had her flu shot and all the others like shingles and pneumonia or she has always been vehemently anti vaxx (that assumes you are her medical proxy).

I'll tell you this: my DH & I have spent more time in doctor's offices, hospitals, ERs and medical facilities the last year than EVER before in our lives. When I went to my hairdresser a couple of months ago, I sat in her chair for TWO HOURS and it turned out she had Covid, unbeknownst to both of us. DH and I have gone every weekend to estate sales, as usual, and now we go out to dinner indoors and eat. Neither of us has gotten The Virus, in spite of all the fear mongering and warnings that we WOULD get it. Even in spite of me being exposed to my hairdresser for 2 hours. We both got the 2 'vaccines' which aren't 'vaccines' at all but a chance to get a milder version of The Virus if/when we do get it. I got very sick with jab #2 and I question my own sanity for agreeing to get it in the first place, considering it's not offering me any real protection from anything. So if your mother doesn't want it, good for her!

The fear that has been peddled about this virus is more of a killer than The Virus itself, since it has better than a 99% survival rate. People have voluntarily quarantined themselves for over a YEAR now and put their lives on hold out of fear. It is your choice how you decide to move forward now. If it were me, I'd get myself and my mother OUT of the house to see your grandson, OUT to eat and back to LIFE again.

Best of luck to you!

If it were my mom, I would explain all the trouble her stubbornness is causing the family and tell her to just "man up" and take the vaccine! I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up and she told me how it used to be before vaccines were available. Whole family wiped out ... I think she would be dumbfounded by the refusal to take a vaccine. I mean, NOTHING in this world is 100% sure, other than death.

If I were you I would get the vaccine and mom get the vaccine too! If mom won’t get the vaccine you can’t make her, but YOU can get the vaccine!!!

Have YOU been vaccinated? If so, hire someone who has been vaccinated and follows protocols to watch over mom and get out, go visit your family, your grandson, your friends. There's no reason for you to remain holed up because your mother refuses the vaccine.

As for your mother and the vaccine, has she expressed a reason for refusing the shot(s)? A VALID reason? Does she accept other vaccines, such as flu, shingles, and pneumonia? If she accepts the others, why not this one? If it stems from watching TV and listening to some of the garbage one hears on it, provide her with legitimate information from reputable sources.

It is unfortunate, but even those with dementia have "rights" and that includes the right to refuse. Sometimes we have to work around them, weasel our way in to get them to consider doing something or accepting some treatment, and somehow make it THEIR idea. Perhaps a fib or two, it's a new flu shot, etc.

But, if there's no way to get a shot into her, get your, if you haven't already, find a good caregiver and get yourself out. If she wants to know why you can go out and she can't, well mom, if you'd take the shot....

If it were my mom, I’d tell her either she needs to get the vaccine or I can’t help her anymore and need to move her to a facility. Maybe her doctor can talk to her because sometimes elders only listen to their docs. Good luck! 😊

As your mum will not have the vaccine she will never be safe. This is her choice provided she understands the risk. If she is happy that she wants to see people and run a risk then it really isn't up to you to impose your will on her life.
If she is not capable of making decisions then that also applies to having the vaccine - talk to her Dr to arrange her having it. Then you can manage who she sees and when, and for maximum safety quarantine would end three weeks after she has her second dose, and you would allow in only people who had also had their vaccine doses.
We cannot make decisions for our loved ones based on what we think it best for them or even what we want IF they are capable of understanding a situation and making a decision. Maybe seeing people and running a risk that may affect her living or not, is preferable to her than being shut away, and if she does catch ANYTHING then this is how she wants things - its her choice.

I was going thru the same thing with my 92 year old Mom. She even refused the vaccine in the hospital and rehab she was in recently. My daughter had a baby boy and she wanted to see him. My daughter refused until she got the vaccine. She was afraid to get it because my sister told her all the side effects of it and she didn’t want to go back into the hospital. Now she has had it and although she has a visiting nurse and physical therapist she thinks she can do anything. Refuses to use her walker unless they are here. She constantly wants to go out although I work full time. She refuses to have Elder care come and help. The next time anything happens she is not coming back here. Been going thru this for 11 years.

My Dad will be 97 next month and he is living in his own home with dementia and 24 7 Care by 4-5 different Caregivers, a Home Health Nurse that comes to check on him and change his Cathiter and a Nurse Practioner that checks on him once a month.

No one goes over to visit if they're sick or running a fever.

In the beginning, I went one month without seeing my Grand Children, then I decided it was Crazy, Political and Money Making and more people die every year from the regular flu.

Then with all the changes the Media and Dr Faci talked about re masks and the uncertainty of the shot, I decided the fast make of the shot and the unknown of long term effects,
I chose to take extra Vit , D E and Zink, Wash my hands and not get around or go around someone sick.

I chose not to give him the Vaccine due to I think he has better odds to take his chances with getting and dying from the Corona Virus.

He has always continued to have family visits during this whole time.

You should let your family visit your mom as long as they aren't sick and I don't blame your kid for being upset with you for not seeing your grandchild, all this time. You have Missed A Year of your life.

Ask your mom what she wants to do. Let your mom live her life. Keeping her sequestered away is not living unless that's what she wants to do. The vaccine does not guarantee she won't get covid. There have been cases of people in nursing homes contracting cobid after getting vaccinated.

Vaccines work. Moderna and Pfizer are 95% (meaning, yes, there is possibiity of 5% of those getting vaccine might get Covid) AFTER 2 weeks after 2nd injection. My Mom's ALF did have some infections right at 14 days after 2nd vaccine - suggesting the infections came on before the 14 days. They were asymptomatic. The current (yes, with new information, science adjusts to include what is accurate) information it appears the vaccines are more than 95% effective. For best protection - get the vaccine. Now, my Mom, myself, my husband, my daughter and her boyfriend all vaccinated and I can have Mom over, be in her apartment. She is 93. We wear a mask to doctor appointments and around anyone not certain of vaccine status. I am sure we accept a little risk in doing so - but we are willing to take it. I'm a Nurse Practitioner and I keep up with the reading on the topic.

Since mom will not take the vaccine, ask everybody else to get the vaccine. Her room should be a mask-free area. She should probably wear a face mask when she is out of her room, because there is a slight risk she could still develop COVID-19 or another respiratory illness from exposure to you. Let visitors visit on the porch, especially from meals. She can keep a facemask off is she is in open air and socially distanced from others. I would also suggest that you allow others to help care for her once in a while in your home so you can get out to see others.

Depends on where you live. In my area deaths are very low and vaccine is open to everyone. If it were my mother I would let anyone vaccinated in. You can't let the pandemic go on forever.

If she is doing face time with her doctor then quarantine is over with precautions. Still need to be careful, mask must be worn by people living in the house and the visitors people.

What I will share was our family decision; may not be right for you. We took my dad (aged 90) out of assisted living/MC 8 weeks after it started. The total lockdown & isolation it created had him at a point he wouldn’t get out of bed and began refusing meals. We own Apts and quickly adapted a 1-Br for him. He was also on hospice & wheelchair bound. Dad cried and told us he’d rather die than spend any more time in “the loneliest place on earth.” We hired 24-7 help and I was around a ton to see things went well. We checked temps. of anyone coming in & allowed family in to visit wearing masks. Dad got hugs, kisses on the forehead, saw family, ate meals with caregivers at a table again. He was so happy! His hospice nurse came to him. We had groceries delivered, so outside contact was minimal. We put bird feeders out front and he’d take walks and sit out front in the sunshine. Our plan was that I alone would stay with him if he got covid and we’d make it or not, but no one would die alone. My dad lived an additional ten months happily enjoying holidays with close family, watching ballgames with grandchildren and feeling some independence again. It was the right choice for us. We’ll all die one day; for our family it’s about how we live! I’d do it again.

Your mother is very vulnerable, so you are right to take precautions. If it's a mixed group (unvaccinated and vaccinated), continue to wear masks, socially distance, wash/sanitize hands and follow disinfecting protocols. Keep windows open for fresh air as much as possible if the visit is indoors. Outdoors is safer. Can she meet up with relatives outside? Even then, if some are unvaccinated it's safer to wear masks and socially distance. It also depends on the community rate of infection in your area, and where your visitors are coming from. If the community rate is low, it's safer. When the community rate is high, it's better to avoid visitors as much as possible. It's rare, but even asymptomatic vaccinated people can test positive with covid and can be spreaders. This is a very sneaky disease!

You don’t say why Mom is refusing the vaccine and it is too bad given her lungs and heart are already compromised but as long as she fully understands the possible consequences, ultimately it is her choice.

What you can control is what you do, if you and your daughter, any family old enough are vaccinated there is no reason for you not to see them. You can decide how important Mom getting vaccinated is to you and make it a condition for her to see them but if it were me and she was that steadfast against it, personally I would simply require masks in her presence even with vaccinated visitors and know you are doing all you can do to keep her safe while helping everyone’s mental health and enjoyment of each other again.

I don’t know where you are but the infection rate of your area would be my marker for how wide a net of visitors I would cast if that’s a factor at all but again you can’t keep yourself or your mom in a bubble forever. You have done a great job of it thus far but now that we have a way out or at least to broaden that use reasonable precaution rather than fear to do that. Life is all about checks and balances, risk vs reward and as long as you are doing everything you can to minimize the risk take the reward!

I’m caregiver to my 97 yo mom. She’s in good health. She will not take the vaccine... nor does she take the flu shot. She seldom goes to the dr... they only want to experiment on old people.😂 I did not quarantine mom. The lock down would have put her into severe depression, and we would have lost her. So, I taught her the proper use of masks, and keep wipes & sanitizer on hand. We took walks, rides, and shopped. She remained happy & safe. We had an early Christmas with our son & kids. By the time we left, our son was showing signs of COVID... tested positive the next day. Although we had to quarantine and put Christmas with the family off until 1/9, we never got the virus. Moms mental health...and ours...was extremely important to us. We lived our lives, and made memories. I realize you have other health concerns, but the virus has slowed down. It’s time to live again!

I have already commented on this post early on, but just received this from my daughter, and thought I'd share, as I thought it fit well with this discussion.

"Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
And worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles.
It takes away today's peace."