When deceased requested no funeral service?

Simple service at crematorium followed by notice in relevant paper and letters to those who would want to be informed of her death saying "private " service has taken place.

My mom or Aunt did it have a furenal I don’t want one either cause I will be the only one left so who is going to come and visit me no one we are a three person family that’s it just us well me and my dad know but I don’t want one

There must be something about a traditional funeral service that she doesn't like. I would try to find out SPECIFICALLY what there is about a funeral service that bothers her. Is it something a clergyman might say? Is it something about what attendees might do or say? Is there some part of a "traditional" funeral that turns her off?
As noted by others, the funeral or memorial service is mainly for the benefit of friends or family. It helps them heal. Remind her that many people would just like to have a way to say "goodbye". Is there anything she could suggest?

No one would want to include something the departed would find disagreeable. If she doesn't want clergy, OK Mom, we don't need clergy. If there is some kind of music she objects to, OK Mom, we don't have to have that. Flowers? Not necessary. A number of traditional trappings could be dispensed with. A bit of gentle questioning of your mother might suggest some ways to mark her passing in a dignified, sensitive way that she would not find objectionable.

Imho, while your question is valid, oftentimes things change. You've even stated that your mother may want to have some kind of service. Have some kind of plan, while also being aware that it would be amended.

Your mother is not deceased and has not made any formal statement about her wishes. You are crossing a bridge miles before you get to it.

If she does choose to give you instructions - and don't badger her about it, it's in poor taste - follow them (and without looking for loopholes, by the way).

If she doesn't, then her executor or her next of kin if there is no executor should make the arrangements s/he thinks best.

A friend died years ago and didn’t want, and couldn’t afford, a funeral. He left an amount of money that his family used to throw a party at his favorite bar. They brought all of his photos for guest to go through and take what they wanted. It was a lot of fun talking a new laughing and remembering our friend.

I wish people would understand, A funeral isn't for them. It's for their loved ones to say goodby. For closure. You are already gone so why should you care if they give you a funeral or not? So don't put that on them. Give them closure they need and want and leave it at that.

One problem with a funeral is that it's public, not by invitation. An option is to have a party, and perhaps have one person make a short speech of welcome and refer to the deceased.

My second parents-in-law moved into a NH and FIL died 3 weeks later at 90 from an accident on his scooter (he was the healthier of the two). The law required an autopsy (and in fact his new doctor had probably stuffed up a medication). FIL dearly wanted his body donated to medical research (he was an exPOW with various continuing results), but it couldn’t happen because of the autopsy. We had a party at the big room in the NH and my DH (the oldest son) gave a short speech. All the family were happy with that. My daughter very kindly came with her 3 week old baby, which was a wonderful 'life goes on' reminder.

MIL lived to 97, all of her generation were dead, and the sons decided to skip the party. She was cremated without a service, they collected the ashes, mingled them with FILs ashes kept in an urn, and joined together to scatter them in the sea. No-one objected.

My first MIL, who I loved dearly, had a ‘real’ funeral. The bulk of the attenders were the family of my ex’s partner, who she did not like much. When I got there, I wondered if I was in the wrong funeral until I actually saw my ex. They all made speeches which were more or less hypocritical (sometimes highly hypocritical). It turned my stomach. I didn’t go to my ex’s funeral, although we were by then on good terms, because I couldn’t face the same people again. My (and ex’s) daughters couldn’t keep them away, even though the relationship had broken up.

Do what works for you. Make a good memory for yourself, and for the people you care about. It doesn’t matter to the deceased.

Memorial services and funerals are not for the dead; they are for the living. It might be better to talk to the rest of the family about what their wishes are. Also ask the family about creating an account or financial agreement about how much each will spend on her celebration since nothing is without cost.

In my case, I helped my mom interview several plans for cremation - her preference. Burial or cremations are very expensive - especially at death. She has already prepaid for a cremation and "box" to put her into, She knows that the family will have her ashes scattered in the ocean at some point after her death. She says she would rather people just have a nice meal out to remember her by. I am working on getting her to fund an account that my sister and I are also part of to fund that final "party."

Do what you think would be best for yourself and family after she's gone. If you want a service or a small gathering of family, she won't come back to haunt you.

I would not discuss this any further with her at this time. But make pre-arrangement with a funeral home or direct cremation service so when she passes, someone is ready to retrieve the body and handle it from there. That's what my brother did for both parents. It helped ease our minds.

The funeral is really not for the dead but the living relatives and friends.

Hold a funeral.

My mother and I agreed that when she would pass that she would have an immediate direct burial (period.)

My father never enjoyed life for as long as I could remember so he refused, absolutely refused, to talk about death or what he wanted for a funeral whenever the time came (OR any preparations to get his affairs in order). His selfish take was, "I'll be dead; let somebody else take care of it." Well, that somebody was me. It was last minute, running around, making arrangements with my grieving elderly mother in tow. Ugh. Thankfully, my Mom lived 10 more years and towards the end, she imparted her wishes.

That said, funerals and wakes are for the living. Many mourners want to meet the family and impart a memory or story to share with them. If your Mom is waffling back and forth with her wishes (maybe because of dementia and/or other issues), I would just listen and make your best judgment. When we had my Dad's wake, it was attended by his retired work friends, etc, who told me happy anecdotes of his work life and other stories that really gave me a different insight to my father. Sometimes I wondered if they were talking about the same person who was laying in the casket! It was fascinating and honestly, made me feel better.

The only things I would truly honor of your Mom wishes is if she wanted an open viewing or a closed casket; or being buried in a casket as opposed to cremation. The funeral/wake is for YOUR closure. If it would upset you to not have a wake/funeral, then by all means, have one.

My husband has said the same thing but the funeral is for the family and friends to say goodbye. I learned that at my mother’s funeral. I told my sisters we could go have lunch but I didn’t want a bunch of people coming, I had a problem with a bunch of people getting together and eating when we just left a funeral. I just wanted it to be my sisters and me. As I was going to my car people kept stopping and asking where we were going. I kinda told them like I didn’t want them to come but they all showed up and I learned things about my Mom that I didn’t know. She had helped all these people in one way or another and they all wanted a chance to say good bye and thank us for sharing her with them.

I would write:
To honor my mother's wishes, there will be no funeral service. I invite you to please privately celebrate (insert name) memory in your own ways. I know that she will be with us all in spirit. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.

Maybe you could ask friends and family to email you brief stories/anecdotes about her — have them write about a special memory they have. My sister did this for our dad’s birthday one year. She organized the stories into one master document — a memory book — and we all received copies. — It became a valuable keepsake that reminds us, as well as the generations to come, of the difference he made in our lives, his sense of humor, and who he was in general. Plus, it was so much fun to read! Although we did it as a birthday gift, it could easily be done as an end of life project in lieu of a formal service.

In my state (Wyoming, USA), it's common for an obituary to state there are no funerals.

I'd follow her wishes (I really like Bobby40's post). For family and friends, I might host a simple meal, at a place of your choosing, where attendees can share stories about your mother and celebrate her life.

Donto worry about any of the others.
It's your mom's death and if she doesn't want a funeral, that is her choice and her request should be followed.
You could ask her if it would be OK after she is buried or cremated, to invite immediate family over to celebrate her life as a closure for them.
If the answer is no then don't do it.
After she's gone. They can go to the grave site.

Bur, Truth Be Told, you should have a Celebration of life while she is alive and able to enjoy it.

You could do this on her next Birthday or anytime, if she's OK with the idea.

Visit people and bring flowers while they are alive, when it makes them happy and they can enjoy it....Not after they are dead and know nothing.

If you think some family members would have a problem not having a funeral after she dies, then you should do a Video of your mom saying on camera what her wishes are.

My Father In Law did not want money spent on a Service. Which it is hard for the Survivors not to attend a service, as that is when most people begin to heal from their loss.

We hosted a casual very informal dinner at our home to remember him and my mother in law who did not have a service either.

My father in law did not see the need to pay the expense of a Service.

Niether in law had an Obituary in the paper.

we felt we honored his wishes, and felt we provided closure for Close friends and Family.

In my state of Washington it isn’t legally required to post an announcement. I’d say private internment. I don’t want any hoopla. I’ve told my family.

If it were me, I would stop asking her to give you input. She has been resisting for years. It sounds like she was recently influenced to decide on no service due to some family dysfunction at a recent funeral? Planning a funeral for your mom also depends upon the financial situation. I would sit down with some family and discuss what would be the best approach to help those that remain behind grieve and honor her memory. You can honor her wishes while still doing something to help the family have closure. As caregivers we are tasked with so much! We have to balance making reasonable decisions while trying to please and being criticized by those on the sidelines.

I am facing an odd situation in planning for my own mother’s funeral. For many complicated reasons I will not be planning a public service. For those same complicated reasons, I need to be able to help my own family find some closure with some sort of rite of passage to mark the event. So we will have a private gathering for family so WE may have an opportunity to grieve in a healthy way together. I am letting go of a long history of misery with what I hope will be an example of mercy and forgiveness for my children and grandchildren. I am trying to think of something creative to do with my family like place a brick or bench in her name at a park. Bottom line funerals are for the living.

I actually started to draft an obit for my mother to have on hand. I highlighted her career and said good things. I picked a nice picture. I stated that she will be interred at such and such cemetery in a private family gathering. Then I said that to honor her memory donations can be sent in her name to such and such charity, a cause she was passionate about. Something like that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Announcement should include something like, "At her request no service will be held." stark sounding or not. It is no different than saying, "Cremation has taken place at her request." If people object just verbally repeat that phrase and inform them they are free to "unofficially" honor her in any way they please. You mother sounds like a very down to earth person.

Have a “Memorial Service” some time after burial or cremation. Have photos of her happier times, childhood etc and have a couple people give a eulogy.

My father has stated as such ,and even put it in writing.Direct cremation is what my dad wants.No service at all.

It really doesn't surprise me ,because he's all about simplicity.

I plan on scattering his remains near a lighthouse which are one of his favorites.

Regarding the obituary.
Just keep it simple ,and state that there will be no formal service at the request of our beloved one.

A celebration of life will be held at the discretion of the family.

I'm a journo and I handle obits. It's simple: "There will be no services." Or the not-quite-accurate in your case: "Services will be private." We see it all the time. You can even just not mention services at all. In my experience, folks know what that means--though you may still get phone calls...Also, funeral homes are used to this and can help when the time comes. They placed the obit for my dad when he died--typically they do and it was easiest.

This is easy, Honor her wishes, and just have a small Memorial Service. Some funeral homes have rooms where you can do just that.

My mother says the same thing. I've known many elderly people who tell their families they don't want any kind of service when they pass. When in reality what they really want is a reproduction of Princess Diana's state funeral (rest in peace). Funerals and memorial services are for the living. People need this as a form of closure. It's the ultimate act of narcissistic selfishness for a person to still think they can control their family from the other side by deciding how they will be allowed to grieve and mourn.
If you and your family want to have a gathering or memorial service of some kind when your mother passes away, have one.
My mother says it all the time that she wants nothing too. We tell her we're not rich people and she doesn't like that response. She wants us to beg and plead with her about it, but we don't.
My mother is Irish. There has never been an Irish person rich or poor whose family didn't give them a proper wake. I do tell her that I won't be serving the good whisky because she didn't want a funeral anyway.

Your mom told you how she felt. It’s up to you to acknowledge and accept her feelings. Isn’t that more important than what others think about it? If you do write a death notice, keep it simple. Simply state that the arrangements are private. Are you upset that your mom doesn’t want to have a service? Don’t make this about your feelings. Honor her wishes.

My dad was brought up in a very overly strict religious family. One of daddy’s brothers decided not to practice any faith as an adult. My uncle threw clergy out of his hospital room when he was sick in the hospital. He did not want a service either. In fact, he donated his body to science. He was a lifelong bachelor. My mom thought it was awful not to have a service. In spite of the rest of us telling her to honor his wishes, she decided to have a memorial service for him in the hospital chapel. She did this for herself. It certainly wasn’t what my uncle wanted. The rest of us was fine with what he desired.

My mom had a traditional funeral for my father who died many years ago. She decided that she did not want the same for herself. She chose a simple graveside service, which worked out best due to COVID. This is a personal decision for everyone.

Why bother saying no funeral service? I just looked up what we had posted. Other than the basics (name, DOB, DOD, locations, family/relatives predeceased and those of us left - not many!!), there was nothing and it ended with:

"Services will be private."

She had a pre-need burial plan, and was cremated. Due to it being winter AND the national cemetery (dad was a Marine and she could be interred with him) being about 2 hours away, I opted to wait until the nice weather was back!

I only had contact with bros, my kids and one cousin on each side of the family. They were all invited for the burial service, if they wished to go. Few words, etc. I didn't have anything planned, so I suggested we find a nice local restaurant with outdoor seating (virus concerns!) and raise a glass to mom, who outlasted all the others in her generation, passing at age 97!

If she doesn't wish elaborate service, don't do it. Anyone can always have some kind of celebration of her life after the fact.

If she has expressed her wishes to you, is there really a need to have her write it down? Would anyone else in the family object, and if so, do they have any say?

FWIW, one thing my mother and I agreed on was her mantra:

"If you can't be bothered to come see me when I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead!"