When did you feel that it was best for parent to go to skilled nursing facility?

There is a board and care home here, in a beautiful old house. There are half a dozen residents, each has their own room. It costs basic about $1000 a month with communal meals. There is someone on the premises at all times, including overnight in case of emergency, but they do NO caregiving or driving them anywhere, the resident's family must arrange for those things separately. The residents must be able to walk and come to the dining room for meals. If they start falling, have serious medical conditions, or dementia, they can't continue to live there as the staff can't take responsibility. My friend's mother is 94, sharp as a razor though she now needs Depends and a walker, and quite enjoys it there. (She had, however, lived in various apartments for many years. She sold her house long ago, a year after her husband died, and was glad to unload it!)

Good grief, Lassie, that's going to equate to $12,000/yr. What elder has that kind of money stashed away for the the proverbial "rainy day?"

$1,000 a month is much less than assisted living costs.

My dad, my mother, and my grandmother all had enough money for such a rainy day and so does my wife and I. The biggest thing that helped my mom and helps my dad is having had and having long term care insurance which my wife and I plan to get one day.

My husband and l have already put into our investment portfolio long-term care. Plus we have already prepaid for both our funerals including burial plots and caskets. My late mother struggled her entire life....from The Great Depression until she widowed early at 46 and never chose to remarry. You said "so does my wife and I (have enough money for a rainy day)," but actually you haven't because you have yet to buy long-term care insurance.

Sorry, but I do for I have some sizable investments apart from my retirement money that I will focus one day on paying the premium on the long term care insurance. The combination of my retirement with social security will be enough to live on. I can thus focus my other investments to pay the monthly premium. Like my dad did, I've prepared for this day since I first went to work. My divorced mother never made the income that my dad did, but what she inherited from her mother enabled her to invest in long term care insurance which helped a lot with her nursing home care. She got more money in support of her care than she ever spent in paying for the coverage. This enabled a great part of her mother's inheritance to pass to me. My wife is one of two who will receive an inheritance from her mother and she is very, very well off.

Pinklifelines,

The doctor is NOT going to tell you it is time. That is not how it works. The doctor will look at her, see if she needs this or that medication, and --until you complain loudly and even if you do--send her home. The doctor doesn't live with her and therefore doesn't know how she REALLY is.

Here is the thing: you actually have to pull up your big girl panties, assess the situation, and make decisions. Not necessarily alone... Get true professionals into the house to give you a recommendation. But in the end, you have to decide what is best for everyone--including your poor husband.

In our case, the Area Agency on Aging came to the home. Funnily enough, my mother organized this herself by calling them to complain about me. They offered to come and she accepted. Amazingly, the woman spent three hours in the home with my mother alone. During that time, my mom left a burner on and invited stranger into the home, and told the stranger all about herself. The nice woman form the AAOA recommended that my mom be "placed."

But it needn't always be such a large step. See if it is possible for your mom to go for respite care for a weekend once a month, or have someone come into the home to stay with her once a month so that you and your husband can take a breather.

Whichever way it goes, I can assure you of this: nothing will happen if you don't make it happen. I couldn't fathom that I would have to make decisions over my mother's head but that is what was needed. She was incapable--and I just had to step up.

Good luck and hugs!

cmagnum: Okay then. You hadn't shared that information before. That's wonderful! My husband and I worked for what we own and we did inherit a piece of change from my late Mother's house sale (I have one sib). Our investment advisor is an aggresive investor. We are glad that we're not emotional people, because that doesn't work with investing. (One such person is related to the family.)

Here's my response to, '. . . that's going to equate to $12,000/yr. What elder has that kind of money stashed away for the proverbial rainy day?" Now 85, I recently moved to an independent living facility offering services similar to those at the board and care home that was mentioned. I don't have money stashed away, but receive -- in addition to Social Security -- pensions from two previous employers whose plans I joined when working.

Why does anyone think that $12K is a lot of money???

Does anyone live in their own home for that???

$12,000 - my mother, and my friend's mother in the board and care home each get easily over $1000 a month between social security and a pension. I realize not everyone gets a pension, though. It seems you have to be independently wealthy or dirt poor (Medicaid) in your old age.

Pardon me, I am wrong to assume that everyone is desperately poor like my late Mother. So sorry.

Coincidence I should come across this post? I think not! My 88 year old mother has dementia and recently broke her hip. I left my home in another state to care for her over a year and a half ago. My son is maintaining my home for me until my return. Since I've been here, she has fallen numerous times and we have been to the emergency room within the last 5 months at least once a month. She is now in a rehab and we are planning on letting her stay at the facility after her rehab is done. It was a difficult decision to make and included a truck full of guilt, but it was also a necessity. My health has declined dramatically since I've been here and I can no longer lift her when she falls. My one sibling who lives close to mom needs to continue to work and the other sibling lives up north and basically does nothing to contribute to her care. The one who lives close by and myself would talk about wishing for an easy solution to our problem. Such as, what if she on her next trip to the ER they decided to keep her for a few days so we could get some rest? Ha, be careful what you wish for! We never wanted her to be in the pain she was in, just out of the house for a couple days. So, are we bad people? I don't think so, I'm pretty sure there are others out there who may have wished the same. Well, as it stands now, she will be staying and eventually I will be going home. We also hired a Medicaid attorney since she makes too much on one hand and not enough on the other. With the attorney's help, we hope to untangle all the legal mumbo jumbo called Medicaid. Lastly I will say this, it isn't wrong to put yourself first.. They say on the planes in the event of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the child. Only in this way can you help them. Take care of yourself, be strong and best of luck, we all need it!

Casey1150: I don't understand why you would say "coincidence I should come across this post? I think not!" This is a elder caregiving forum so, yes, this is the norm, e.g. what to do with our aging parents, who are sometimes living longer. In turn, we are then, quite possibly, in our 70's. A 70 year old then has health problems of their own, unless they have suddenly found the elusive "fountain of youth," which never existed in the first place.

When I was given POA for two friends of mine who had no children and no close relatives, i got put on their checking account right away so I could monitor their finances and step in when necessary. When their conditions worsened and required a memory care apartment, I was shocked at the cost for the two of them to be there together, some $11,000 a month. They each had social security, they each had work pensions in addition, they each had long term care insurance and the wife had IRAs and investments. That still didn't cover it all, but came close and their savings could cover the rest for a while. The wife died after only 5 months there and half of her retirement pension now comes to her husband, plus all her IRA money and investments. His costs are around $3,000 a month and we can sustain this for 2-3 years. I will be selling their condo and adding that money to their savings account to tap over time. When he gets poor enough, he is eligible for veteran's benefits to help out. So, that's one person's story of how to manage this. The facility has agreed to take public financing once he's been there 18 months. He will easily pay his own way for that length of time.

Hi Llamalover47. I'd like to explain what I meant by a 'coincidence'. I haven't been a member for very long and don't frequent this site too often. Recently the topic came up between my sibling and I about how we were going to approach the subject of mom staying in the skilled nursing home. I told him I belonged to an online support page and would put the question out there. The day I did so, the question appeared on this forum. It was only a 'coincidence' since it was there the day I needed to see it rather than searching through previous questions and answers. It is my belief if I keep my mind open and receptive, the answer may appear, which it did.

When my mother fell many times, my husband and I were not able to lift get to get her back up. I would call the non-emergency number of the police department for a Lift Assist and they would come and access her and get her back into bed.

Casey1150: I understand.