When did you feel that it was best for parent to go to skilled nursing facility?

Your mom has dementia. It only goes in one direction. You are a single parent of a 9 year old. What are you going to do when your mother starts trying to wander in the middle of the night? Do you leave your son alone in the house to drive around the neighborhood to look for mom? Do you lock the door to keep him safe or leave it open to allow her back in if she wanders back?

In a nursing home, there will be acitivities, events, walking protocols and the eagle eyes of nurses who will notice changes in your mom's condition. This would be (and was) a no brainer for me.

Just had my 93 yr old mother moved to a nursing home. She has lived in my home for almost 10 yrs. She's been a hand ful for most of the time, but really started failing 6 months ago. Moving less and less, falling, not cooperating with PT, wanting almost constant attention, needing help toileting and bathing, etc. It was wearing me out. No one can be on call 24/7, that takes 3 shifts. Everyone, the doctor, social worker, friends and family agreed she needed a nursing home. But she didn't want to go. Then she had a bout of congestive heart failure and spent 4 days in the hospital. From there she went to the nursing home. She and I have run the gamut of emotions. She's cried and begged to come home, she cursed and yelled and she has given me the silent treatment. I have felt afraid, worried, angry and most of all guilty. But the reality is I can't take care of her alone, and even with the little help I can afford it's not enough. She can't walk, and she can't feed herself she's helpless, she needs a nursing home and I need a life. Think of all I've gone through as you make your decisions, the doctors and social workers see the whole picture and sometimes when we're in the middle of things we just can't see things clearly. I'll probably continue to feel guilty, but I know she is in a good place and I visit often.

I am sorry that you are in this situation, but I think that you need to listen to the professional opinion of the doctor. Also, I think that you have answered your own question when you say that you can't lift her. You have done a good job taking care of her at home, but it does sound like she needs skilled care now. Take care of yourself.

Hugemom and all, I have worked in EMS for years and retired as a Captain. I would have never tolerated behavior like Kellydb experienced if I knew about it. Calls for lifting assistance are everyday emergency services business and usually done and handled in short order. No one should be hesitant about calling for help if it is needed. Woe betide the provider who would be surly with me if I had to call for help.

I found myself in the same situation you were in. After my mother fell and broke two kneecaps and her wrist, I simply couldn't lift her. Her doctor suggested nursing home and that did it. While in rehab we found an assisted living with wonderful care and services. We somehow managed to move her directly from nursing home/rehab to the assisted living so we bypassed moving back home. It was shocking to her to move to a strange place, but I had to explain that I, at 64, simply could not lift her anymore. She is pretty happy, although complaining a lot as is her nature, has to admit the people, the food, the care is excellent. My point is, I can't even imagine having her pick out what was getting moved to AL. It was difficult enough for me to do alone. So consider this while she is in rehab. Start looking now.

I was able to convince my two husband-wife friends that it was time to go to a place with more help when the wife became incontinent and began to wander. She needed 24 hour care at that point and after much discussion with the husband, who couldn't see her deterioration due to his own short-term memory problems, he agreed to do this for his wife's sake. I had found a memory care apartment that would accommodate them as a couple in an assisted living facility and just needed the husband's agreement and signature on the check to get the move process going. Since he couldn't remember he had agreed to this, we had the same discussion 3 more times. Once there in their apartment that was set up to look just like their den and bedroom in their condo, they were happy. The wife got the additional care she needed right up to her demise 6 months later and the husband was happy to just stay there after that. Babalou made excellent points for you to consider and I hope you have success in finding a good place for her and then in getting her into it.

Wow, I can see myself in every one of these comments. I know that it's getting close to "that time" but I just can't bring myself to think of a nursing home. Mum has been with us for almost 5 years. I retired early from a job I loved to care for her, my marriage has suffered from the stress. My husband and I have no privacy and no time together. Yet I still can't bring myself to make that decision. I think it will have to be made for me by a Dr. or the fact that I physically can't do it any longer. I'm close to that point now. I've lost myself in all of this. I don't remember what it's like to be me. This website has been a Godsend though. It somehow helps just knowing I'm not crazy feeling the things that I do! Thanks everyone. xo

I agree with the suggestions! We do not have to kill ourselves to take care of our elderly parents; many times their care requires a 2 person team! My family is struggling with the same issue; my demented, frequently violent, barely ambulatory father has already started getting pressure sores, and my sister keeps on insisting that he should be at home with my 80 y old mentally challenged mother...my sister also gives him assistance at night & is drained, but insists that family is family & we must not abandon our elders in a nursing home! I worry about her health too! All the best!

Everyone has to find out for themselves...nobody can tell you what to do. Sometimes we wait until we drain all the life and energy out of ourselves

Actually, it sounds like you are answering your own question.

It doesn't work any more. That is really the moment for AL or for a nursing home. When the situation just doesn't work anymore.

With my mom, she couldn't remember to take her meds, she could not be left alone (which meant we were trapped in the house and could never go anywhere together), she got nervous and confused about junk mail.