What's wrong with my father?

Actually, if he were to quit cold turkey, it could kill him. He drinks a lot and has done so for many, many years. That will deplete the body's B1 (thiamine) and lack of thiamine affects the brain.
Try to avoid making hard decisions while you are pregnant. Your hormones are all over the place right now and so are your emotions.
Been there.

Al-anon is a good place to meet others dealing with an alcoholic in the family and to get support.

Why is your dad living with you? Why did that seem like a good idea after the divorce? Did he have financial problems? Health issues? Was there any reason three years ago that he couldn't have lived on his own? He was still working then, wasn't he?

What seemed like a good idea then has definitely turned out to be not a good idea now. Changes must be made. Dad could make some changes by getting help with his alcoholism. I sincerely doubt he can conquer this alone.

You can make some changes by taking back your lives. He doesn't come home in time for Christmas dinner? Eat without him. Don't let your lives revolve around his problem behavior.

Ultimately the change may have to be that he doesn't live with you anymore. That is sad. That is not what you want. But you now also have to think of this new life you are bringing into the world.

Honestly, he is 67 and definitely not old. Time to get a divorce from your dad. Maybe if he realizes he has to take care of himself he will cut some of the drinking. Remember, he had to live alone before you were in his life.

How much of his pension fund did your father put in to your house? It matters.

Whom did your father divorce? - your mother or a lady not your relative? Any other dependants? What were the terms of the divorce? These things matter, too.

On what basis is the house owned? Are you the sole owner? Are you and your father joint tenants, or tenants in common? Does your fiancé own any part of it? You need to figure out and write down who owns what equity and who is liable for what liabilities, such as mortgage repayments, upkeep, utilities.

The reason that you need to address these issues, and not pretend even fleetingly to yourself that they're not there - e.g. "...I bought my first house shortly after and we moved home, he came with me." - is that you are pregnant and need to provide your child with a secure living environment.

Which you cannot do if you are sharing your home with a drunk who has every right to be there.

Your father is 67. He has retired and cashed in at least part of his pension. He is still working part-time. His drinking is now a serious problem - was it before? Was it, for example, a factor in the divorce? The point is that you need to assess your father as an independent unit, so that you can find out what options there are when it comes to separating him from your household.

You had better go back to the solicitor who handled your house purchase and find out what you need to do to untie the financial situation there.

You could go to your GP and ask for help with coping with your father's alcohol abuse - your GP will know what services are available in your area, for example.

I'll tell you what definitely won't work. You see your question up there? - "what's wrong with my father?" What won't work is hoping blindly that you'll be able to figure out and put right what's wrong with him, so that you can carry on as you are and everything will return to normal.

He may be a chronic alcoholic, or he may not. Either way, he is currently abusing alcohol to the extent of being a menace both to himself and to others; and in any case being an alcoholic makes you more likely, not less, to suffer depression and a host of other kinds of mental and physical ill health. In addition, he has recently undergone divorce, two house moves at least, and retirement - these are major life changes well known to have a huge impact on wellbeing. In short, what your father is coping with is a big deal - not something he can explain in one heartfelt conversation, or resolve to put right overnight.

You cannot give him adequate support so you need to find other options for him - before your baby arrives. It really is that simple.

Would it be possible for you or your fiancee to buy Dad out of his contribution towards the home purchase? Could you take a home equity loan to do this? If all else fails consider selling the house and giving Dad his money back. Rent for now if necessary. If Dad helped with the downpayment home ownership is obviously something you were not financially ready to take on. If Dad's name is on the deed that presents other problems and may be contributing to his sense of entitlement.
This home is no longer yours alone,your fiancee has moved in and you are expecting a child together he should be taking on some of the responsibilities so maybe now is the time to find another home and start afresh together or you may end up a single mother once the icing is off the cake. Harsh I know but this is not a safe environment to bring a baby home to so get Dad out of your lives only he can make the changes.
If Dad harms himself to the point of needing nursing home care he will probably need Medicare and they will consider the money Dad contributed to the house as a gift and if it is within the five year look back period he will be penalized and you may be forced to sell the house anyway to give that money to Medicaid so act now while you still have choices. It is well worth the investment to get legal advice.

Your dad needs Tough Love. As other people have pointed out, ownership of your home is a Big Issue, and you simply cannot have someone who behaves the way he is behaving living with you when you are pregnant, or drunk and disorderly around an infant. You need and deserve love and care yourself during this time, and not the problems he is presenting you.

Once you talk to a lawyer, either buy out your father, or sell the house and give him his share. Then you can insist on living alone with your fiancé, and when you do that, you will be able to give your father The Ultimatum: either admit he has a drinking problem, get help (SERIOUS help: Alcoholics Anonymous or a rehab program) or he will not be welcome in your home, and will not be able to see his grandchild.

Your father seems to have serious emotional problems because of his divorce, his aging, etc. You can (and must) deal with those and be a loving daughter, but for the sake of your baby (and your relationship with your SO), you MUST be firm with him. And actually, that is the best thing for him, too.

It seems clear that he has reached the point where he has no consideration for you. You have to get the finances straightened out and protect yourself and your unborn child.

The memory lapses that you have observed in your dad would make me suspect some kind of cognitive damage. With heavy drinking, like you describe, it's difficult to say if it's the alcoholism or more. Alcoholism can cause dementia. I know a few people whose parents have dementia due to long term alcoholism.

Considering his condition, he may be steering away from doctors, but, a medical exam would be ideal, so you will know what you're dealing with.

Having him launch on his own with this kind of issue is going to be challenging. Still, raising a child in the home with a person who is drinking to the point that it's disrupting the household is a terrible idea. It's not fair to a child or your husband. And it's not safe.

I'd figure a way to get him out of the house, that is fair and equitable....even if he resist. He may need detox and then rehab, but, I would think a medical exam would be good to figure out just how much damage has been done.

From the way you describe him, you'll have to take the lead and do the the right thing, since it seems he's not going to be in any condition to think clearly. I would seek support from a group like Al-anon and a medical professional.

It seems obvious to me that he is an alcoholic, and typically an alcoholic doesn't stop drinking until s/he "hits bottom." This is usually a horrible event; in my family my father strangled my 18-year old sister (who was trying to get him to stop hitting my mother) until she passed out. He spent the weekend in jail, wondering (when he sobered up) if he had killed his daughter. (He hadn't.) That was the bottom for him; he asked for someone from AA to come talk to him, and he never drank another drop. This may seem like a really harsh post, and if so, I'm sorry, but there's no way to stop an alcoholic from drinking unless s/he wants to stop. Of course you love your father, but by cleaning up after his messes, whether they be emotional or physical, you are enabling  (allowing) him to keep drinking.  I think that joining Al-Anon would be an excellent step for you, and you need to get your father out of your home.  It sounds like, from your post, that he could handle it financially.  Your fiancee and your baby deserve to live with you and you only, and not with an alcoholic whose behavior controls everything and everyone. Your post was heartbreaking; it brought back so many terrible memories of growing up with an alcoholic parent.  I wish you the very best of luck with all of this.

All the above answers are excellent, especially the "harsh" ones. I just want to insert an observation here - that your father has been an alcoholic for a very long time. Who just all of a sudden starts drinking a full bottle in 2 days? No one. An alcoholic will and you think he just started at age 67? No, honey, you know better than that. It's hard, it's sad, but you do know.

The reason to point this out is to say, you need to get a dose of Reality in you. I don't even know that your letter belongs on a site about Aging Care. Even if he is unwell (I forget to read the "profiles"), you must do what is Right for you. Leave his health care to the state, because he is a danger to you. You definitely have a co-dependent relationship that is now "triangulated" with your fiance, and now a baby coming. Do you want that baby to grow up being afraid to face the truth? Or being afraid of Life? Not knowing who to trust? Do you want to continue to grow up that way?

Get that man out. He may not ever "hit bottom." There is no bottom for some. There can be lots, lots more, with the alcoholic never coming to a realistic state of mind.

I'm not blaming or judging you. Do what you need to do to get your father out of the house. Making ultimatums, any conversation about his drinking, Will Not Work.

After you get him out, or you move out and live with your beautiful family - get counseling. Actually, get that NOW. Because you were brought up by this man, and that means you have fears and co-dependency issues, coping issues that may unravel even with your fiance. Mom issues, even if Mom is gone, even if you don't remember her, you had a mother who allowed your alcoholic father to dominate. You had a mother, and you're about to be one.

Believe me, I am only saying all this because I KNOW. Almost 4 years in counseling now, a repeated pattern of shoddy relationships, an adult daughter with depression and obesity, who hasn't once had romance in her life. My little girl, the one I thought would be happy always, thanks to me. Now I have to work on being the parent I'd always wanted to be - stable, available, learning and modeling boundaries. We are, thank God, close - in some ways, closer than we were years ago.

You don't have any - boundaries - or you wouldn't have succumbed to your alcoholic father's "great plan" of helping you buy a house, so he could drink away and live rent-free, obligation-free. I don't care what he may pay sometimes. It's never even, and the psychological effects are long, long-ranging, generational.

Get away and get help now; make counseling FOR YOU a life-long commitment. Give yourself the gift of life and love with a wonderful husband and child. Blessed Be!

As the daughter and ex-wife of an alcoholic, I now know that I was a co-dependent as you are now. By enabling such Behavior, even by tolerating it or providing shelter and other necessities so he can spend his money on booze, a codependent enables the alcoholic to continue drinking without consequences. You have no control over your father drinking once he has alcohol. That's what they teach you in AI-Anon, but it's also the truth. Someone covers up excuses or apologizes for the drinking or bad behavior again is enabling. Don't know your situation but every alcoholic has to be enabled since they're not taking care of themselves. Recommend you read codependent no more and my sister had recommended to me THE BIG RED BOOK, for adult children of Alcoholics. There is a National Organization with Colin meetings and meetings at every time to the day. They can give you advice and support and tools to help you. I've read toxic parents and women who love too much and all those other books about pulling your own strings and erroneous zones but ultimately you have to decide not to be a doormat. And Lander said you can only be walked on if you lay down and say welcome. That's why I'm divorced. When my mother drank, I took my son and went back to our home. Ultimately, she stopped because my sister gave her an ultimatum and walked out on her on New Year's Eve, my sister's birthday. You do this when they're sober and amiable. You won't believe the relief you feel once this situation ends because you don't know how bad it is until it's over. Your dad surely qualifies for Medicaid, so you can tell him that unless he stops drinking and gets help that you will let Medicaid take care of him in a nursing home because you can no longer subject your family to this tornadic vortex. That's the term dr. Drew uses as living with an alcoholic is like living on the tail of a dragon or being sucked up into a tornado. I wish you all the best and sorry if I sound like a bossy older sister.

You need to get help from your father right away, men over the age of 65 had the highest suicide rate in the nation and your father fits the statistics exactly divorced single retired. Symptoms are substance-abuse agitation or anxiety feeling of being trapped hopelessness helplessness withdrawal anger recklessness mood changes , last relationships are dependents and major changes in such things as retirement financial status moving from home or community and depression

There is a fine-line between helping others and enabling them. I feel that your father is taking advantage of you and the situation without any respect or regard to your life, your home, or your family. If he is independent enough to go to a bar, buy alcohol, etc… then maybe he is independent enough to move out. He is obviously hurting from his divorce, feeling the loss of probably many things, including his sense of independence (it's a humbling experience for parents to end up living with their children) and has chosen to self-medicate, instead of getting the help he needs, which is having an adverse effect on those around him. You. And your family.

I would suggest that you and your husband have a sit-down with your father ASAP and lay out the boundaries, expectations, and rules (if you will) about his living in your home. As the parenting roles vs. children are reversed, it is your right and responsibility for your own sanity in keeping peace by setting the standards in YOUR home. Regardless of your father's claims about the home being his, you know the truth, so that shouldn't be an issue. Let him rant if it makes him feel better.

As far as his alcoholism, you will need to get outside help and intervention because he obviously doesn't care nor does he plan to stop, and maybe “can't” stop. There are many services, programs, and support groups to give you other options, support, and help in this.

I commend you for being there for your father. Don't give up. There IS help out there. You are not alone!

I can tell you right now that having grown up around two alcoholic parents, things can be very dangerous. People can get killed by alcoholics, there was such serious abuse that lives were not only destroyed but also taken. When someone is bent on drinking, there's no convincing them to quit. Someone mentioned that if they quit cold turkey it could kill them but I hate to differ. Someone mentioned that if they quit cold turkey it could kill them but I hate to differ.I'm sure that when they get arrested and go to jail, cops aren't going to give them alcohol, they are going to dry them out cold turkey. I've become so familiar with the jail system by watching the programs on TV to see how jails deal with drunks, and not once have I seen them give drunks alcohol, they dry them out in a dry out cell under observation. I've even seen where they don't even have a mattress in the dry out cell and they must sleep it out on the floor and not the bench if they need to sleep it off, and each and everyone of them sober up and survive. I can tell you right now that they won't die from quitting cold turkey, if the jails can dry them out and they survive, it's not going to hurt them to cut them off of alcohol at home.
In fact a friend of mine just dealt with this a while back when a mutual friend of ours was drunk. He was a heavy drinker her and could really put it away. When people get drunk they often make no sense and they can get dangerous. Our mutual friend is living at my friends apartment because he's currently homeless. My friend had no problem with this mutual friend drinking in until things got out of hand late one night. My friend had no problem with this mutual friend drinking in until things got out of hand late one night. After sharing my story about barely surviving child abuse at the hands of my drunken parents and losing my sister, I sent a very firm warning and my friend decided it was time for our mutual friend to be cut off the alcohol once and for all. My friend decided no more alcohol for him as long as he's living there, and his girlfriend even said it'll be over if he ever again picks up another drink because he has previously assaulted her hit her and landed in jail for it. When he was in jail, they dried him out just like you would see on TV and he's still alive. This happens to be an older gentleman by the way and he was dried out more than once and still OK, so it won't hurt to cut off the alcohol cold turkey. If they can do it in jails, you can do it at home. Sometimes it takes jail but sometimes it takes the ultimatum at home and sometimes they'll just give up alcohol if they realize what it is they're losing because not only they can lose a home but also a loved one.

* If someone really loves you, they will accommodate for that and make healthy choices. If they don't, they'll choose unhealthy choices over you, and if they do, cut them out of your life and move on because they never cared about you. 

Oh yes, I hope someone cracks down hard on federal benefits abuse including Medicaid  abuse. There is already a move to cut off welfare from millions of people not entitled to it or no longer entitled to it and I'd love to see alcoholics cut off and forced to work, there only one kind of people draining our benefits dry and only one reason why our country is going broke. I've heard of situations where people getting welfare can be randomly asked to take a drug test, and I'd just love to see the same happened to alcoholics, because it shouldn't be the taxpayers enabling them either. Giving them benefits and a soft place to fall is a sure way for them to never hit rock bottom, removing all benefits and soft places will surely make them hit rock bottom. hitting rock-bottom, it's sure to force them into a place in their life where they start taking steps toward healthy choices. I hope our new president, Donald Trump reads this thread and takes something into very serious consideration, something really needs done now. One of his promises was to protect Social Security and Medicare and there are other federal programs that are attached to them. Protecting federal benefits should also include cutting off not only people not entitled to it but should also include alcoholics who would only be enabled by giving them money or any other type of program. They should be required to work within a treatment program to earn the money needed to pay for their own care, taxpayers should never have to pay for this whatsoever. If someone enters treatment, there should be a work program within the facility where people are made to work and if they don't work they're out on the street. No, taxpayers should definitely not be made to pay for such nonsense as enabling alcoholics or druggies

You need to immediately do three things: (1) consult an experienced elder care attorney as to your legal obligations and his obligations; (2) talk to his doctor and somehow get him to the doctor for a complete physical work up. Could be dementia setting in or something else. (3) Find yourself a good counselor who understands these situations and who can advise you how to best handle this and give you the support you need. Then YOU have to realize that this man CANNOT stay in your home. He is beginning to destroy you, and maybe your marriage and your coming child. Figure out his assets and where he could possibly live, like a senior apartment. YOU CANNOT AND MUST N O T TOLERATE BEHAVIOR LIKE THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If he does not cooperate and shape up, DO NOT FEEL GUILT - YOU OWE HIM NOTHING if he doesn't start doing something to help himself. Please take action now before it kills you. There is no other solution - he cannot stay with you.

Have you considered having him committed to involuntary inpatient clinic to dry out?

Next time he falls...call the ambulance....then tell the hospital that he needs to get substance abuse help or he will kill himself. An adult can be held in protective custody to deal with this.

Not only can he kill himself, but also someone else, alcoholics are a danger to themselves and others. If you cut off the money and stop giving him any, he won't be able to buy any more alcohol with your money. He can try to get money from others, but hopefully people will wise up and not give him any money

Yes, your father is an alcoholic. He cannot quit on his own--it takes treatment where they stay there for at least 30 days drying out and learning about this disease. After that, it depends on if they stay with the "program", which includes participation with others who are fighting this and meetings to check on how they are doing (Alcoholics   Anonymous). When I had a friend who was an alcoholic and no one knew what to do with her, I went to a drug treatment center for a week (I was a teacher at the time and they wanted to sensitize us to addiction in students and see through their denials that "they didn't have a problem" and get them help.)  I learned a lot there. Shortly after I got back, she asked me "What is wrong with me?" I told her she was killing herself in front of her 3 neat children and it would have a terrible impact on their lives. That meant something to her and she phoned to go in for treatment as has been sober ever since. It was a powerful experience for me to be there and I learned enough to help her and my nephew who also became an alcoholic.
Anyone who drinks regularly can become an alcoholic as the body adapts to this and wants it to continue. With the amount he is drinking, there is no doubt here about his being an alcoholic. Whether you can force him to go is another issue. If you have POA authority for his health care, you may be able to do this. Most people's health insurance pays for the care, I believe. If he can get him into treatment and then help him get to the AA meetings afterwards, he might beat this and have a better life with you and your family.

Having grown up in an alcoholic family, I know the emotional toll it takes on everyone. The advice given by all the previous posts is right on. A definition of Love/rescuing/enabling that finally resonated with me is: If love is given due to fear, it is enabling/rescuing. Hope this helps.

As a survivor of life-threatening childhood abuse at the hands of two alcoholic parents, I can tell you that if you survive the same kind of thing I did, it tends to scar children for life in undescribable ways, especially if the child was never allowed to have any form of bonding relationship with any immediate or extended family. This is where children can be robbed in more ways and far deeper than words can describe. So much can be stolen from young children more than people realize. You can really traumatized children for life, people should think before making bad decisions around children, especially before even having children. It's been said that some people shouldn't be parents, and I strongly agree on that one. Some people wish for forced sterilization on certain types of people who should not even have kids and I'm all for that idea, why even bring a child into the world only to abuse them, and in some cases, not even be willing to let them go but to keep them for abuse purposes? This was the case with my parents. They were drunken abusers who wouldn't even let their own children go. I found out I have a half-sister out there and it took my mom 12 years to sign off on her. It took me 13 years of life-threatening abuse to finally escape. People like my parents specifically my mom should have been forcefully sterilized. Many people don't know what alcohol does and how it affects children, and there are some cases where am definitely all for the idea of forced sterilization because some people should not even be parents especially if they're alcoholics. I must take a stand on certain things for a reason due to what I experience and other things I saw and the outcomes. It's not a very good idea to make bad decisions around children and expect there to not be consequences, consequences are often severe. Remember, bad decisions around young children means you may never even get to see your grandkids when your children become parents themselves. Not all survivors of abuse at the hands of alcoholics will fall back into the cycle, some of them will actually make healthy decisions and keep their kids away from their abusers, and they will often go to great lengths doing so

Please go to ReformU.com to find out where a chapter of Reformers Unanimous meets in your area. We are a bible-based addiction support group.