What would you do in this situation concerning my MIL with dementia and our dog?

I am sorry you're in such a situation.  Truly stuck in the middle of two loved ones.  

Dog or not dog, I would join an online support group- virtually, until COVID-19 dissipates. You can check the Alzheimer's Association through Google. You will get all kinds of support, validation, education and great ideas there. You may have a local chapter depending where you live? What did they do with this dilemma ?

Some pts live for years with dementia, many do not.  With Alzheimer's, also known as "Sun Downers" there is an element of aggression that occurs in the evening hours, hence the term Sun Downers.  While your MIL may have been aggressive, irritable, or cantankerous prior to this disease, I am not convinced she is agitating the dog intentionally and would view it as more related to the disease.   I believe your pet deserves some kind of intervention in your home.  It would be a shame to rehome your pet and then you MIL continues to be aggressive, thereby finding out it had nothing to do with the dog. You may have to move your MIL into placement b/c you cannot provide the level of care she needs, so placement is the only option, and I realize that's not an easy thing, d/t the quality of care ( or lack thereof) in ALFs and SNF across the country, and the dog will be gone.

While I believe animals have senses we do not realize, the dog likely has an instinct that your MIL is not well. However, I agree with your mindfulness that at the end of the day, a dog is a dog.  Have you considered hiring a professional dog trainer to come to your home and train your dog? Given the love and loyalty we get from dogs, it is well worth the investment if you can afford it.

Have you considered temporarily placing the dog with a relative. Somewhere that you can visit and trust, your pet would be returned.  You could offer to continue his food, medical care, etc. You may find after six or nine months, you simply cannot provide the level of care your MIL needs.  You could use the "zone" idea and have them share the home; again, dog training.  

And while your husband is the man he is, and we cannot change people, I would have a serious conversation about him being more mindful about the dog's behavior. You may even want to reevaluation your home owners policy. Someone in his family may not be happy to learn the dog has injured your MIL, in the name of love/play on the dogs part.

Whatever you decide; its always good to consider you do not have to make a decision that is permanent. Life changes- as you likely know, sometimes in minutes.   Safety first- always.  And kudos to you for being such an awesome daughter in law :)

One of them has to go.

You said she had a mean streak even before dementia. I personally would have left her in the nursing home. You can visit by Skype or Facetime, or do window visits, which is what we do. There's no way I'd allow a mean old woman to abuse my dog, for the safety of them both!

It’s so heartwarming to see so many animal lovers. I rescued my last dog, a greyhound.

Some of the tracks abused the dogs. It’s not an easy life for them.

They are kept in crates that are stacked on top of each other.

The only time that they are let out of the crate is to race, eat and go to the bathroom. It’s very sad.

They are incredible dogs. All they want is to be loved. All animals deserve our love and respect.

I sincerely hope the OP’s dog will never be abused again. I am glad that this dog has a good nature but a dog will only put up with so much before snapping or biting whoever they consider a threat.

No one wants to see a human being bitten either, especially a child or elderly person. It’s a challenge to separate them.

Even if it’s not an abuse situation there can be problems. My mom loved giving my dog treats and portions of her dinner.

I told mom not to give the dog more than one or two treats a day and no table food. Did she listen? Nope! So I had to close the door to mom’s room when I served her meals.

The dog was free to go wherever he wanted to in our home. Greys should never be allowed to get overweight. It can cause major health issues.

Mom loved the dog and he adored her. I didn’t have a situation like the OP does. It’s truly sad and has to be extremely frustrating. I would somehow try to keep them separated.

Your dog is not just a dog at the end of the day, your dog is a member of the family!!!!
Just keep the dog in another part of the house, you
can use pet gates, closed doors when you are not around to supervise so the dog cannot go into the room where MIL is. Get creative, there is ALWAYS an answer, Or ensure dementia MIL is in a room because she s/n be rolling all over the place either. In reality a person with dementia is going to be a whole lot of strain on you and your husband and is a ridiculous idea to have removed her from SNF. I would find another place to bring her to that can better help and be equipped to handle a dementia patient. My friend just told me about his father that had dementia and it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!! The hard work and toil that he went through is just unimaginable! Is that the way you want to live your life? She needs to be in a memory care clinic, your home is not the answer, is not in the best interest of MIL either. Get her out now!n. What would you do if MIL was doing this to your 4yo child? Would you get rid of your child?
If you love the dog enough, you will finds ways to make this work.

JustaHuman;

Curiosity - Is your username a play on the typical "just a dog" or "just a cat" response ignorant people like to use?

(I don't have people/pet problems, but I do have cats that DO NOT get along, so I currently have 3 "zones" in my house! Also, it isn't always the big dogs, or those one might "expect" who do the biting - my daughter has a collection of mini-dachshunds and one of those little boogers bit my leg! Big dogs that do bite can inflict more damage, but this little jerk pulled a chunk of skin almost off without even making a pinhole in my pant leg! It took a long time to heal and left a mark... My son has a pit-mix who would lick you to death before he'd ever bite a person. But, if someone is messing with them, over and over, at some point they could lash back - best to keep them apart and move 'er out!)

I know some will say this is too harsh.... however, its my opinion.....i would get ur husband to “ man-up” and take his mother back to the facility or find a new one. This precious furbaby is in his home, and does not understand why this woman keeps punishing him. You cannot blame the dog if he snips or bites her....not a good situation at all. And your MIL is NOT going to get better, but worse. Im sorry you( and your furbaby) are going thru this. Sending calming blessings to you...get the MIL out of your home before something bad happens. That would be a horrible thing to have your dog put down thru no fault of his own. This situation brings tears to my eyes.....love and prayers....Liz

Your MIL is not competent to stay in your home. She is actively aggressive to the dog. I am concerned that it is only a matter of time before she becomes similarly aggressive with people. She needs to have her regular routine and surroundings.

JustaHuman;

Visits or not, MIL should be put (back) into a facility. Given what you said about the one she was in, I'd consider finding another place, if possible.

"The nursing home she was in was NOT helpful in letting us know where she was mentally."

"We had no idea how far her dementia was because we couldn’t visit her."

Visits may not have been useful for you to see/know what her behavior was. Too often dementia patients can "appear" more normal at times. The staff should have regular updates (mom's is 6 mo review) with you. In between, you can always ask what her status is. I've had one brief outdoor visit with my mother since mid-March. Window visits aren't possible in her area. She can't use a phone or any kind of computer. Hearing is shot. Despite all that and more, I'm still aware of what's going on. If not, I can ask the nurse in charge of mom's MC.

Also, if she's in NH/SNF probably isn't giving her much socialization and/or stimulation. The nurses'll be busy dispensing meds, etc and she's likely left to her own defenses, which will only get her into trouble. With MC, she'd be encouraged to interact with others and have some activities to participate in. Sure, a MC facility will have issue with shoving/hitting as well, but can work with you and doc to try medication if their attempts to curtail this behavior doesn't work.

Based on your profile, is there a reason why she's in SNF rather than MC? Does she require skilled nursing care? If not, if it's only the wheelchair and dementia, look for a MC to place her in. Even if there are other issues, so long as she doesn't require special nursing care, MC will likely save some money and her care would be more focused on the dementia (unless she was in a special SNF MC, but even still, if she doesn't require skilled nursing care, find a regular AL/MC for her.) NH and SNF are always more expensive because they have to hire more nurses.

"She has a history of threatening to hit caregivers."
"Despite dementia, she has a mean streak."

THIS is a problem area. Whether it's a caregiver, another resident, your poor sweet dog or YOU, she'll be shoving/hitting. This is just who she is. You can talk, explain, yell, chastise, cuss all you want at her, it won't change anything! I'd recommend talking with her doc and perhaps trying some mild medication. A low dose of an anti-anxiety might help. I'm NOT a big fan of medication, but they used Lorazepam during mom's initial move and again later during a bad UTI induced sun-downing. The nice thing about this med is it doesn't take time to build up in her system to work. First time, every time. Took about 15 min to work. It also doesn't have to be "weaned" off if it's not needed anymore or it doesn't solve the issue. The worst side-effect is balance related (mom NEVER had an issue while taking it) and since MIL's in a wheelchair, this likely won't be an issue. With this med, you should know the very first time she takes it whether it takes the "edge" off. Certainly give it several tries over a few days if it doesn't seem to work right away - everyone is different! But, if you see no results, then it might be time to try either a stronger dose, or something else. My mother was also NEVER "doped up" on this med.

I'd suggest trying medication(s) while you search for another facility (unless she's on Medicaid and has to use that SNF - in many cases Medicaid doesn't cover MC - depends on each state and the rules they set.) If the medication helps her in your home, it'll buy you more time to find a good place. Still keep an eye out for the pooch - even if the "edge" is off, the behavior is likely still underneath and might pop out! If it does work, it'll make moving her and having her adjust to the old place or a new one a bit easier, both for her AND the staff!

Meanwhile, do what you can to keep them in their own "corners", whether it's a door, some kind of gate, etc.

Your MIL is trapped in her body. The dog, at the bottom of the pecking order, is the easiest target.

Keep the dog away from her. Yes to protect her from the dog, but also to protect the dog from the abuse she is wielding. It also hurts you when she hurts your dog.

These are tough times. Keep your chin up. You were very kind and thoughtful to bring her home. Good things will come your way.

Under supervision, have mom feed greets if dog has a soft mouth. Then when finished, remove dog to an area mom can’t get to in the wheel chair. Never leave the 2 together without supervision...only takes once. Can dog be gated on another floor where chair can’t go? Can you put large obstacles in way of chair? Please safeguard your dog and use gates where ever you can.

Imho, since she is borderline abusing the dog, this living dynamic must change. She needs facility living. Prayers sent.

Send her back, keep the dog!

Your mother n law must go! NOT the dog. Put her back into the facility. She is only going to get worse!!!

Your dog needs to be protected 100%.
Dementia isn't inspiring your MIL to abuse your dog. SHE is intentionally abusing your dog.
MIL needs to be removed immediately, and re-admitted into her previous SNF.
Your "husband," is intentionally enabling her abuse??

MIL, logically can be expected to do the EXACT same deliberate abuse with every living being that she encounters, are YOU next on her list?
Thankfully you don't have small kids within your home.

So sorry that your MIL is intentionally hurting your dog,
" deliberately wheeling over to the dog to hit or shove her."
that's unacceptable.

We had a client over the summer who, among other more serious problems, has epilepsy. She has a seizure assistance dog, a pure-bred Staffordshire bull terrier, who has been trained to alert her (the owner) when she (the dog) senses changes in her owner's brain's electrical activity. It is an amazing relationship which gives the lady one or two days' extra warning of oncoming episodes.

[I did wonder if it wasn't a bit stressful for the dog, mind you. In the run-up period the dog was very clingy and appeared quite anxious; but she was absolutely right about the timing. I should also note that at no time did she prevent me or my co-workers from supporting her owner.]

This was wonderful to witness and confirmed my existing admiration of Staffies, the only breed described by the Kennel Club as "100% reliable."

Tragically, however, only a couple of weeks ago, I read of a catastrophe which happened early this year. A Staffie-mastiff cross, also trained in seizure awareness, had been unable to wake his owner when his owner began to seize in his sleep. The dog had become desperate and dragged his owner from his bed to the floor. The man's parents were in the house, and paramedics promptly attended the property, but no-one was able to approach the patient who by this time was under the bed being guarded by his dog. It ended in absolute disaster with the man's death, and terrible to report it seems that the probable cause of death was asphyxiation and severe neck bites caused by the dog's grip, possibly as the dog continued attempts to shake his owner awake. A police marksman had to shoot the dog dead, every other attempt to separate him from his owner having failed.

Dogs are incredibly wonderful and incredibly valuable in all sorts of different care contexts; but it is not safe and not fair and not reasonable to impose any actual responsibility on them for vulnerable adults' wellbeing.

This is sickening to me to read. This woman most likely does not and never did like dogs or animals. Now she has dementia and is harming the dog and if the dog reacts - and it will and should - god help the dog. You have but ONE option and that is you MUST IMMEDIATELY REMOVE YOUR MIL FROM THE PREMISES AND PLACE HER. No one, regardless of why, should harm an innocent animal. Do whatever it takes. Document everything and if possible, get photos to prove what she is doing. Get help from an attorney, the doctor, anyone - but get her out of your home. In the meantime, find a way - you may have to hire a professional to do this - install some sort of "bars" where she is forcibly being kept on one side and the dog has the rest of the house to live in and be free and happy. You must do whatever it takes to make it impossible for her to get near the dog. If you don't do this, I see h*ll in the future for the poor dog. Tell your husband the decision is made - she goes - now. Personally, and I know I can't really do this and get away with it, I'd beat the living s*** out of her and do everything I could to protect the dog. She is deadly poison and a great danger and if she stays, she will destroy not only YOU and the Dog but your marriage. Get her out of there at once no matter what it takes.

She is abusing the dog.

If her memory is "toast," there's no use telling/reminding her not to bother the dog.

Do not let her push the dog until it's so scared and unhappy that it bites. It doesn't understand why it's being punished!

Is there a way to keep your dog out of harm's way? If your home is big enough, maybe create zones?

MIL needs to be put in a facility or the dog needs to go to a loving home that she can feel secure in. Shame on your husband for not being more diligent! It's his mother for heavens sake!. I suggest you start looking for a facility. If MIL is mean now, it will only get worse. The only other suggestion I have is to place mil in a room she can't escape from to harass and bully the dog. This is your dogs home! What if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you place the dog in another home? I'm sorry if this sounds cold but I prefer dogs over people. They are more loyal and living than most people.
Good luck!!

My 96 yr old Dad has few short Memory like 5 minutes but like a child training to stay away from the hot oven, after we day don't touch or leave it alone, he will say it himself or say I'm leave it alone when he starts to fool with his cathiter.

So, just tell her not to bother the dog or he might bite.
Every time you see her going to the dog, tell her No, Don't Touch or Leave dog alone. Short 1 or word sentences are best.

She probably just doesn't like animals and that's why she's never had one. Believe it ir not, Some people still think animals don't belong in the house.

Have you ever asked her why she is going after the dog at the time she does it? More than likely, it goes back to her never having a pet - especially a house pet. My mom is not an animal person, but has learned to tolerate a cat that adopted me from the neighborhood. I have always had animals so I let the cat in and out to eat and nap. Mom let us have pets as kids, but she's never had a desire to have one after she lived alone. Not interested in petting one either. My dog(s) I have now/in the past, would go toward mom for a pat on the head, which they didn't get, but steered clear of her when she was on her walker.

Your dog is a people friendly dog and has lived this way before mom moved in. So it has to be a little confusing to the dog, as well, that there is a person acting a little strange. My concern would be the chair rolling over a tail or toe and dog reacts with a bite. Should that happen you can bet that everyone and their brother are going to point fingers at you for having a 'dangerous' dog in the house with her. . .or any children that happen to visit. Somehow you need to separate dog and mom to avoid this.

Maybe create an area for dog to escape from her - dog bed behind a couch or a corner of the room where dog has an opening to go in/out, yet a fence to keep mom away from the dog. Or a dog gate to contain it away from mom. Not so fair to the dog, but definitely better than a bite. Each time you see mom go in that direction, say something. Ask her why. Try to reach the part of the brain still functioning.

You also need to drive all this home with hubby to become more diligent. He needs to be on red alert at all times where mom and dog are concerned. Ask him what he thinks will happen if the dog bites mom - could he just let the dog be removed from home or euthanized because he failed to act??

You are going to have to be the adult here. It is not okay to hit the dog. Next she will be hitting you.What if it was a child she was hitting? Either she needs to go back to NH or she will have to have Her part of the house and your dog its part of the house. Maybe a time out or two for her will help

This is not a good combination on many levels. First the MIL is deliberately targeting the dog and attacking it. Second, she has the mentality of a child, so she does not comprehend consequences. You need to be the adult here and either find a foster/temporary home for the dog until MIL is back in the nursing home, OR put MIL back into the. nursing home.

Baby gates and other stuff will only delay the inevitable and make your life even more stressful. Do yourself and the dog a favor and find a friend or someone to take the dog until MIL can go back into the nursing home.

As a pet owner, you have a responsibility to protect the dog.  Put up a baby gate or something to keep your MIL from hitting the dog.  Other posters are correct about the fact that if she rolls over the dogs paws or hits the dog one too many times and the dog reacts, you could be forced to put the dog down and that is not fair to the dog.

Well brought up dogs try to keep away from humans who aren't kind to them. Two is a little on the young side, but I'd be less worried about MIL than about the poor dog.

If your MIL is in a wheelchair, isn't it easier to keep her away from the dog than vice versa?

How does the dog respond when MIL approaches her?
Assuming your MIL is able to speak, if you ask her why she has hit or shoved the dog what does she say? I'm not supposing that her answer would make rational sense, but it may give you clues about what's triggering her hostility.

The other point I would make is that even if the dog is perfectly well behaved and absolutely blameless there can still be accidents. She might scramble to get away and scratch MIL with her claws, or even - being a biggish dog - tip the wheelchair.

Is your home open plan? I'm just wondering why it isn't simple to keep the two in different areas.

just another lit bit of suggestion.  IF for some reason she irritated the dog enough and the dog did bite or attack her and she had to go to hospital, they will ask what happened and it could be possible that you will have to PUT the dog down........do you want that to happen?  Just because you couldn't visit your MIL due to covid was not a good enough reason to bring her home.  My father was also in a NH and we hadn't seen him from March until May (when he passed, last stages of dementia and losing weight long before we stopped seeing him).  People can call to see how their loved ones are, you can arrange to view them from a window outside their room or another area, but its not fair to the MIL to keep moving her around with dementia, that in itself is confusing and can be scary.  Either put up a gate which won't help if she can wheel herself over to the gate....so either find her another place to go or get rid of the dog or keep them in separate rooms.  wishing you luck, but don't get caught having to put down your dog due to a bite.

Gates - I found this gate that is rather tall (41") and has vertical metal bars so that my dog cannot climb it. It has a sliding thumb latch at the top that isn't inherently obvious to use as you have to slide it and lift up on the gate, so hopefully someone with dementia and a wheelchair would be unable to get through. I highly recommend getting one or more of these. They lock down tightly into the door frame so that the dog would be unable to push through.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this stress. To reiterate everyone else, dogs can be dogs and who in the world can blame one that gets upset if hit or injured by someone.

I agree with others about addressing the issue with you MIL. She has a broken brain, but she needs to know this is unacceptable. (I do not know the extent of her dementia). If she is still able to read, I'd stick a big, fat sign up on the gate telling her DON'T TOUCH THE DOG!

If possible, have a double gate system so that MIL is gated far enough from the dog so that she cannot reach through or over the gate to hit the dog. This whole situation sounds hellish to me as I LOVE my dogs.

If you have a doggy daycare near you, take your dog there several days a week. This will give everyone (especially the dog) a nice break.

I feel so bad for your poor dog, you need to protect him, “lately she is wheeling over to hit or shove the dog” how horrid and dementia isn’t the cause, dementia isn’t selective like that to only lash out at a dog. Since she never had pets it sounds like she’s abusing the dog bc she doesn’t like dogs and bc so far she’s allowed to get away with abusive behavior. She’s choosing this behavior, your dog is innocent pls don’t take advice here to lock your animal family member in a room - I would consider that animal cruelty to keep a dog locked in a room as a daily “solution” to an abusive person. Would you solve the issue of one sibling bullying another sibling by locking the abused or bullied child in her room every day to keep her safe? Get a gate and have mil not the dog on the other side of it, someone mentioned having a sectioned off area like a tv room for abusive mil- keep a close eye on your poor dog and follow through any time she even attempts to lure or hit the dog she will be wheeled to her room to spend the rest of the day. The correction needs to be to the abuser bc abusive people if enabled will grow more abusive -firmly let her know hitting and shoving isn’t tolerated and if she does every single time she will be spend the rest of the day alone in her room as a kind of time out- of course provide her meals and ensure her safety but just like with a child if she’s hitting and shoving there needs to be a consequence to her actions or she will only get more abusive and may start lashing out at you or your husband. If your husband and you are firm and consistent and wheel her in her room to spend the rest of the day in her room any time she’s seen trying to hit the dog I think she will learn pretty quickly “we don’t hit and shove pets” Edited to add in my upvote to a poster who asked why didn’t your husband firmly address this the first time it happened? She’s his mom and really as the head of the house he should address it with her. But if he can’t bring himself to be strong to do so then you need to enforce a clear boundary- anytime the mil bullies the dog off to her room she goes to soend the rest of the day, I think a couple times of that and she’ll learn she can’t bully the dog, also you want to prevent this bullying to expanding to *you*, I have a feeling if you don’t nip it in the bud before long mil will soon start slapping at your hand or shoving you- bullies get worse if they’re enabled and so far it sounds like she’s got the message she can get away with it. I would report it as animal cruelty if I was aware a family kept a dog permanently locked in a room bc a relative hits them

Please do not allow your MIL to abuse your sweet dog. Speak to her doctor and he may be able to address her aggressive behavior. As we all know these things do not get better. Your dog needs a safe space.
I had a similar situation keeping my young grandchildren at my home with a senior dog. My dog was really stressed with no safe space. They were always after my dog so I ended up corralling him in our big kitchen using baby gates. It was a happy and safe situation for everyone. The children were only with me for half days and when they napped my puppy was allowed out. It may work for your mom.

It is her dementia and please keep the dog either in a separate room away from her or vice versa.  It is not fair to the dog that it be mistreated which can be abuse to animals.  And why take the chance that the dog could bite her.  You can explain to your MIL 1000 times and she will not get it.  So please for all concerned keep the MIL away from the dog.