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After a 7 yr marriage, 6 years have been exclusively 24/7 caregiving. In 2018 he was hospitalized 13 times followed 4 times by rehab hospital.
Beyond the 4 major health issues of my 89 yr old husband, ( CHF, insulin dependent diabetes, stage 3+ kidney disease, multiple myeloma, delusional, parasitosis, 2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement and suprapubic catheter maintenance) ...ongoing dealing with a enabled family of adult children....I am contemplating leaving.
I am 82 and was in great health when we married & he was reasonably healthy. I love him, obviously one couldn’t do this otherwise. I have recently hired relief 12 hours a week .
I can’t seem to take the step to go, but I-know I need to save my life.
Thank you for listening.

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Wow, who knew we would be situations like these years ago . Everyone’s situation is different . I Suggest finding help , first and foremost for your self , contact your Counsel on Aging. They will go over options with you. Join a Caretakers group . Go over your marital finances. Try to get a Power or Attorney if you don’t have one . Look into local facilities. The decision you make has to be your own . You are not the only one with these thoughts. There are days I wish my man would just fall of the face of the earth and other times my heart just breakers when I look at him. He has lost himself. And I have lost who he was . When he is giving me a rough time I try to remember he IS HAVING A ROUGH TIME . Caretakers meetings have helped me immensely and I am now on an anti depressant. After getting my self to the doctor I am also speaking to a therapist , one on one . It’s a huge decision . Do your home work. You might be able to get thru this with out such a drastic move . There is help out there for both of you no mater what you decide ..
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Where to begin?? First thank you for sharing advice..which I asked for, listening to oft reported overwhelming situations and understanding from those who have walked in my shoes.
Your both loving and supportive comments help me realize I am not alone nor abandoned and many of you touched on each & every emotion I am feeling.
Your suggestions...which mostly I had considered, encourage me to seek help for me.
To address some of your thoughtful questions: finances are an issue; he and his family refused my attempt to move us into assisted living 3 years ago when it was possible and no, he is not abusive and loves me as I do him.
Because I know I have given loving care unselfishly, I do not feel guilty, only hesitant to put my well being, first.
In reading the volumes of responses, I realize this medium is a Godsend and as I digest your thoughts and kindnesses, I will remember they were offered at my behest and with genuine concern for a doable outcome that won’t destroy the love my husband & I have for each other.
Thank you for your open and honest input. I will be seeking professional counsel and will update my progress.
My prayers go out to each of you with a grateful heart.
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Agree with Tenajh. Make calls to find help.

I would get the earliest appointment with your Doctor & ask for help.

The simple fact is that if your Husband needs a lot more care, or 24/7 care, he needs either a huge home care team or to move into a residential care home (SNH).

Both have pros & cons. Home care takes a lot to co-ordinate & can be still very stressful. NHs are never home, but necessary for many.

I don't see that YOU have to leave - be the one to move... What am I missing?

What is the practical thing to do here?

It's easy for me to say but... *stop overthinking this & move him into care* is what comes to mind. How do you feel about that idea?
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Save yourself , six years!!! He may have married in order to have a live in caregiver! It’s not like you married each other while you both were in your 20s & grow old together…if he really loved you, he would not want you to lose your health taking care of him. Look into facilities nearby & tour them with his adult child, if he has any. Don’t live like this one more day. This man needs 24/7 care. & not from you!
hugs 🤗
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First step needs to be a therapist who works with those of us who on caregiver overload. Medicare does cover some of it. At least my Medicare Advantage Plan does.

I finally yelled for help at my Primary Care Physicians office. He recommended a few to talk with. So I called and found the one that was my best fit. Best Thing I ever Did For Myself.

And then look into getting some help with the caregiving. You also need a little TLC - go get it for yourself

Good Luck and God Bless
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Dear sixyears,

Please know you are not alone. We hear you & we feel your pain. And we are praying for you.

I am very concerned about you. Saying you “know you need to save your life” makes me feel as if you’ve contemplated some VERY serious choices.

As a person who worked for a geriatric social worker/therapist, I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone in the geriatric field to discuss your situation.

Contact anyone … your local Division of Aging, Alzheimer’s Association, or any geriatric case manager. I promise you, you cannot go wrong by doing this. These folks are trained to handle situations such as yours. I’ve seen them in action. Additionally, whoever picks up on the other end of the line, I encourage you to stress that your situation warrants immediate attention. Because it does.
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sixyears Jun 2021
I am thankful for your suggestions.
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Look.....your poor, old hubs doesn't have much time left here, actually neither do you....only a guess on you, ok.
The biggest, most important thing you both Got to do is Repent of your sins, Trust in Christ alone, and let Him save your souls!!
Eternity is a long, long time....you Do Not want to spend Forever in Hell!!!
We are all guilty of breaking God's moral laws, The Ten Commandments.....Death is our wages for sin......but Someone paid the Penalty for us! We don't have to be damned to Hell!
Jesus Christ was crucified and died on the Cross, paying our way so that we can escape being damned forever! What a deal!!
Juse Repent, turn away from sin, and put your 100% trust in Christ alone, and you will be saved!!
I hope to see you and your husband one fine day in Heaven, with our loving Creator!!
Shalom! 💜🕊💜
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Elle1970 May 2021
That is not a helpful answer. You have a right to your religious beliefs but you do not have a right to push them on others. It brings to mind a recent article about Mother Teresa who despite receiving millions in donations for her work, gave those who her foundation "cared for" nothing but paracetamol pain relief for end-stage cancer and AIDS complications. They were told to offer their suffering up to God instead. Staff had to wash and re-use syringes. The money donated to alleviate the suffering of these people was allegedly donated elsewhere which helped with the decision to canonize this sadistic woman. Religion has caused much suffering all over the world.

I think the OP has suffered enough and so has her husband. The suffering has driven her to want to divorce her husband and walk away. If she continues she will not be able to look after herself let alone her husband and what happens then? Many caregivers die before the ones they care for. I think the best solution would be for the OP to seek help from her husband's children with the decision to put him in a facility where he would received the 24/7 professional care a person needs. He is clearly at a stage where care from one elderly person is far from sufficient.
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When I got divorced age 30, I had some unresolved father issues: my biological dad never even contacted me once after the divorce when I was 4, and I didn't meet him until I was 28. I'm the one who reconnected us. I'm now his caregiver, and his wife's.

Because of that issue, I suspect, At 31, I "fell in love" with a man who was 61 and looking for his 5th wife. He wanted to marry me. But after I caught him cheating with his business partner's 54 year old wife, I moved on. I dated men in their late 50s/early 60s for years afterward, thinking they liked me because I was so mature and interesting. (HA HA HA!!!)

My biological mother always said, "You won't be so in love in a decade or two!" and I didn't know what she meant until I started caregiving. It's a lot of work and I'm not sure I could do what you're doing. Sending you love and strength.
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You only get one life (that we know of) and you have been so wonderful to help him during this time. My opinion is that you are done now and 100% justified for being done. Live your own last years for yourself - you've earned it. This is not selfish - you have given him six good years and those are six good years he wouldn't have had without your incredible kindness.

Not that it is the same, but I adopted a shelter dog and after 12 great years, he had so many issues and was causing so many expensive problems that I had to put him down. The vet said, "This dog got 12 great years he wouldn't have had without your family. No guilt." That really stuck with me. We do what we can and let go when we must.
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You never even got past the honeymoon stage before he became ill. I am so sorry. At 82, most people are being taken care of by their own children or grandchildren, or the husband's. Please place him in a home and try to enjoy life a little. You can still be his loving wife and visit him. You really do deserve to have a life. As for his children I think they only care about themselves so don't listen to them. If they cared they would be helping you also.
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I am so sorry you are ogin through this.
If was me, I hope I would find the strength to do what needs to be done to save myself.
It is clear you feel guilty and I would guess your staying is more because of guilt than love at this point, you haven't really had a marriage past the first year.
You can take the steps to look into care for him, he may actually be happier in care. Maye when you start looking, you will find something that makes you feel more comfortable in your decision.
You can still visit, you can still be there and if other people are providing the care , maybe now your relationship with your husband can be a happier one.
You have no reason to feel guilt, you have done more than most would. The fact that you are only just hiring help now.. I wouldn't have made it that long. You are clearly a strong person,, be strong for yourslef now.
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Hire 24 hr Care
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Davenport May 2021
IF she, or his kids, are willing &/or able to financially able to do so. Money is everything.
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Imho, there is no way that I can tell you to leave your husband. That would be a very personal decision, should you choose to do so. Instead, perhaps you should consider facility living for him.
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Davenport May 2021
But 'considering facility living' isn't a simple option for so many of us. If money wasn't a consideration, I'd choose the very best, cleanest, most lovely facility available. But my mom wants to die at home. So, it's NOT even a viable consideration. Also, though our little family has SOME wealth left, that could be completely depleted if mom lives for another 8 years at a 'facility'. Every situation is unique with it's own varied set of facts.
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You have been caregiving for a very long time and I can't imagine how difficult it's been. It's extremely hard to leave someone you love. I'm in a 40 year relationship that has been verbally abusive throughout. He is 86 now, has dementia, and even though I am not his wife, I find myself getting more and more involved. His adult children haven't been much help, but recently I had to put my foot down and tell them I could not do this by myself. I'm going to start taking care of myself by attending social functions for people my age (76). At least it will allow me to have a life with some adult conversations and make new friends, and feel better about myself. Maybe that would be something for you to think about until you get the courage to leave.
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sixyears Jun 2021
How true it is to speak of adult conversations...and the love of time spent with friends & family is sorely missed. Thank you
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I would have him placed in a suitable facility. This is way too much for one person never mind an 82 year old. Absolutely, you need to save your life. The right facility will provide suitable professional 24/7 care and you can stay in your present home. If he does not have the finances, apply for Medicaid. Consult with his doctor about a suitable placement, and an elder lawyer who is experienced in Medicaid if you need one.

Sounds like his children will object to a placement. Oh, well. Get the support of his doctor and a therapist if you need one. The enabled kids are not ruining their health caring for dad so their say doesn't count.. Sometimes we have to develop a tough skin for our own survival.

You haven't responded to any posts. I am wondering if you are still around.
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sixyears Jun 2021
You truly understand. I wil seek professional counsel. 👍
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I would not say “leave” him, but rather place him in a facility that care for his needs. You can still visit and spend time with him, but not be overwhelmed with doing all the lifting. He’s at his worse season in life. You can still be there for him.
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You have to take your oxygen first. Hopefully, he has children who care about him. Get a divorce or a separation or just go.
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sixyears Jun 2021
What a great way to see my own future...take my oxygen first. Thank you!
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Leave yesterday.
As some have said (I didn't have time to read all the responses), place him and/or get the best situation / care you can. Then, LET GO and if inclined to believe, LET GOD. You've done more over these years than many would - value the quality of your own life and the time you have left to live. We are with you in spirit, supporting you to have a life, and life experiencing bringing you enjoyment or at least some peace and hopefully, a few laughs with old and new friends.
God bless you for all that you are and have done. It is YOUR time now.
Gena aka Touch Matters P.S. DO get into therapy during this transitional (thinking stage - to doing). It is not easy and get all the support you can.
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sixyears Jun 2021
Your understanding of my reality, touches my heart. Thank you.
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I'm guessing you don't love him as much as you feel obligated to him.
and perhaps your love has waned because you haven't felt truly loved in a long time.
But, if you were to leave, would you truly be free?
Use some of your newly free time doing things that make you feel good.
Join a gym, power-walk in the park, enjoy a cup of coffee and read a juicy suspense novel.
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sixyears

I truly sympathize with your despair. You stated you love him, but understandably feel overwhelmed and want to reclaim your life and health. Your husband has a lot of problems. In the most simplistic terms, you need practical help so you can retain the role of loving wife without being a full-time nurse, either in-home help or placement of your husband in some kind of care facility. I would seek counseling about how to best meet you and your husband's needs.
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Wow, I feel for you - YOU deserve this remaining time to be free of stress and have some peace. You MUST do this. Yes, you do love him, I am sure - but the entire situation is destroying you and that must stop at once. Instead of you leaving and giving up your home where you live, immediately find a way to place him - the family won't help so don't pay attention to what they say. If you place him, he will have care and you will have a chance to live in peace while you can. There is NO other way unless you get a full-time caretaker.
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sixyears Jun 2021
Thanks for helping me see through some of the fog. Thank God for this forum!
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It sounds like he does not have much of an existence himself. How long until his
2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement get better? Will he be getting better in anyway? Do you have any kind of a relationship with him? Talking, laughing, sharing? Or is that non existent now? I feel for you.

Can you approach the enabled adult children to help out with his care?
You leave and they come in and take full care, taking turns 1 week at a time.
You leave and go have a mini vacation, rest, relax just get out of the bubble.
Or get more relief help? Leaving is tough. Do you always feel like leaving? Or only when you just can't take it anymore?

I would really make an effort to get more help to the point where you are good and can continue to live a healthy normal life. Enough help so that you do the minimal necessary and can revert to the role of just being his wife and loving support as a companion and not a nurse.
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sixyears Jun 2021
Yes, we do still talk, share feelings and laugh at the absurdity of life. Much is changing as I feel more defeated & in truth, he understands. This is difficult at best. Thank you.
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I completely sympathize w your situation. Sounds like your marriage has been all caregiving. It’s hard to continually do for a spouse when you don’t get anything in return. However, when two people get married, esp in the church, it is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, etc. Please know I am not judging you. I help care for my mom with dementia and I know how unbelievably difficult It is.

Does your husband appreciate what you’re doing for him? Can you get more help from professional caregiving agencies? What will happen to him if you leave?
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sixyears Jun 2021
Yes, he does appreciate me & the ongoing duties to keep him going. All his physicians remind him of my love for him.
your questions are a part of my hesitancy...trying to imagine his life without me here. Finances are an issue.
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I understand you're exhausted and feeling helpless, but I have a feeling that were you not with this man you'd still be 82 and not in the same health you were when you were 75. I hope it has occurred to you that your husband was 82 when you married, then the next year things went south. Are you so sure that won't happen to you?

If there's no love left nor commitment to the marriage, then you might as well walk. No one needs to have someone around who despises them for their infirmities.

If that isn't the case, then there are many good suggestions here to help resolve your problems.

Good luck.
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sixyears Jun 2021
I do not despise him or blame him for his illnesses. My commitment to him however, has left me drained and sad. This forum is helping me look at my situation from different perspectives. Thanks for your input.
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sixyears...you care, or you wouldn't be trying to figure this out. I'd say, like "jacuiblu2," having also been married to a man for thirty years with genetic dementia; you can learn to shutdown or cope in some way; ultimately, though what kind of existence is that? Or, maybe that's it; existence not living. I need to make this decision too, and as I contemplate it and talk it through, this is what I'm thinking: long term memory care communities can take care of your husband in a way actually, that you cannot: visiting him, volunteering (if you have the financial means) with the time you have freed up while he is being taken care of beautifully...is the way to give. Your husband surely would want that for you. Life is not so clear-cut to say one thing is right for all, when really instinctively...you know what is best for him, and yourself. Let go and respect his memory from a distance while he is being taken care of by professionals because you are still vital to others who may need you healthy and one day, God willing, happy again. May you be guided and blessed in your decisions in this time of need.
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sixyears Jun 2021
Thank you so much for your compassionate reply. Existence is indeed a word I’ve added to my explanation of my life today. You give me lots to think about.
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Since you love him, I think leaving him completely is a decision you will regret. The answer lies in more care taking hours by professionals, whether it be in home or a facility. If you can get him into a hospice care facility you would be getting him quality care and much more time to yourself.
You don't mention your finances it would be in your best interest to have a consultation with a qualified elder care attorney to ensure you have the right documents in place, i.e. Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare Proxy, Will, etc
as well as give you advice on existing assets.
Last, stay on this site - it's a Godsend in helping you cope when you feel overwhelmed.
My heart goes out to you - let us know what you decide to do.
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sixyears Jun 2021
Thank you for the legal considerations you mention. I had not thought through this aspect.
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It is time to meet with an elder law attorney to fully discuss all options and their attendant costs. Clearly, 12 hours a week isn't enough respite for you. He needs placement in a facility or at the very least adult day care so that you can have a fuller safer quality of life.
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When the going gets tough!!

What if the roles were reversed and you got catastrophically sick.

You thought you were marrying a relatively healthy senior to spend your golden years together. I could understand that.

Research SNF. Because that’s the kind of care it sounds like he needs. Then you could look for a better opportunity.
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You are in a tough situation. Its time to consider placing your husband in a facility to receive the continual care he requires, or hire in home help 8 hours a day or more. Assuming his children have not stepped up to assist, have a frank conversation with them. You can't just walk away and abandon him, but you can take action to take the responsibility of another's life off your shoulders with a clear conscience.
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I write from the perspective of the patient. I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ. My DW and I have had a couple of long talks over these past 5 yrs about what I want for my future care. I've told her once I get to the point that I am no longer an active participant in the day to day life of our family, I want her to put me in a MC facility at least 100mi from our home. Today my DW joins me in retirement and we'll now have time to go and visit a couple of facilities providing MC. I've told her I don't want o become her full time job 24hrs a day as my Caregiver. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. I want her to be able to go on with her life and do the things she'd like to do. I believe this will keep her from regretting that she couldn't enjoy life the way she'd like to, and no I don't think of this as her abandoning me.

My opinion at this stage of the game, arrange to put your husband in a MC Facility and if you feel you need to get a divorce, do so. I believe you've earned some quality time for yourself. I believe you'd still be able to visit him in MC. at your age, you should not hesitate to do what is in your best interest.
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TouchMatters May 2021
Thank YOU for writing. No one could say it better than YOU.
We are on the outside looking in. You speak golden wisdom and support. I so appreciate you sharing your feelings here. Many will benefit from your kindness. Gena
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