After a 7 yr marriage, 6 years have been exclusively 24/7 caregiving. In 2018 he was hospitalized 13 times followed 4 times by rehab hospital.
Beyond the 4 major health issues of my 89 yr old husband, ( CHF, insulin dependent diabetes, stage 3+ kidney disease, multiple myeloma, delusional, parasitosis, 2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement and suprapubic catheter maintenance) ...ongoing dealing with a enabled family of adult children....I am contemplating leaving.
I am 82 and was in great health when we married & he was reasonably healthy. I love him, obviously one couldn’t do this otherwise. I have recently hired relief 12 hours a week .
I can’t seem to take the step to go, but I-know I need to save my life.
Thank you for listening.
Your both loving and supportive comments help me realize I am not alone nor abandoned and many of you touched on each & every emotion I am feeling.
Your suggestions...which mostly I had considered, encourage me to seek help for me.
To address some of your thoughtful questions: finances are an issue; he and his family refused my attempt to move us into assisted living 3 years ago when it was possible and no, he is not abusive and loves me as I do him.
Because I know I have given loving care unselfishly, I do not feel guilty, only hesitant to put my well being, first.
In reading the volumes of responses, I realize this medium is a Godsend and as I digest your thoughts and kindnesses, I will remember they were offered at my behest and with genuine concern for a doable outcome that won’t destroy the love my husband & I have for each other.
Thank you for your open and honest input. I will be seeking professional counsel and will update my progress.
My prayers go out to each of you with a grateful heart.
I would get the earliest appointment with your Doctor & ask for help.
The simple fact is that if your Husband needs a lot more care, or 24/7 care, he needs either a huge home care team or to move into a residential care home (SNH).
Both have pros & cons. Home care takes a lot to co-ordinate & can be still very stressful. NHs are never home, but necessary for many.
I don't see that YOU have to leave - be the one to move... What am I missing?
What is the practical thing to do here?
It's easy for me to say but... *stop overthinking this & move him into care* is what comes to mind. How do you feel about that idea?
hugs 🤗
I finally yelled for help at my Primary Care Physicians office. He recommended a few to talk with. So I called and found the one that was my best fit. Best Thing I ever Did For Myself.
And then look into getting some help with the caregiving. You also need a little TLC - go get it for yourself
Good Luck and God Bless
Please know you are not alone. We hear you & we feel your pain. And we are praying for you.
I am very concerned about you. Saying you “know you need to save your life” makes me feel as if you’ve contemplated some VERY serious choices.
As a person who worked for a geriatric social worker/therapist, I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone in the geriatric field to discuss your situation.
Contact anyone … your local Division of Aging, Alzheimer’s Association, or any geriatric case manager. I promise you, you cannot go wrong by doing this. These folks are trained to handle situations such as yours. I’ve seen them in action. Additionally, whoever picks up on the other end of the line, I encourage you to stress that your situation warrants immediate attention. Because it does.
The biggest, most important thing you both Got to do is Repent of your sins, Trust in Christ alone, and let Him save your souls!!
Eternity is a long, long time....you Do Not want to spend Forever in Hell!!!
We are all guilty of breaking God's moral laws, The Ten Commandments.....Death is our wages for sin......but Someone paid the Penalty for us! We don't have to be damned to Hell!
Jesus Christ was crucified and died on the Cross, paying our way so that we can escape being damned forever! What a deal!!
Juse Repent, turn away from sin, and put your 100% trust in Christ alone, and you will be saved!!
I hope to see you and your husband one fine day in Heaven, with our loving Creator!!
Shalom! 💜🕊💜
I think the OP has suffered enough and so has her husband. The suffering has driven her to want to divorce her husband and walk away. If she continues she will not be able to look after herself let alone her husband and what happens then? Many caregivers die before the ones they care for. I think the best solution would be for the OP to seek help from her husband's children with the decision to put him in a facility where he would received the 24/7 professional care a person needs. He is clearly at a stage where care from one elderly person is far from sufficient.
Because of that issue, I suspect, At 31, I "fell in love" with a man who was 61 and looking for his 5th wife. He wanted to marry me. But after I caught him cheating with his business partner's 54 year old wife, I moved on. I dated men in their late 50s/early 60s for years afterward, thinking they liked me because I was so mature and interesting. (HA HA HA!!!)
My biological mother always said, "You won't be so in love in a decade or two!" and I didn't know what she meant until I started caregiving. It's a lot of work and I'm not sure I could do what you're doing. Sending you love and strength.
Not that it is the same, but I adopted a shelter dog and after 12 great years, he had so many issues and was causing so many expensive problems that I had to put him down. The vet said, "This dog got 12 great years he wouldn't have had without your family. No guilt." That really stuck with me. We do what we can and let go when we must.
If was me, I hope I would find the strength to do what needs to be done to save myself.
It is clear you feel guilty and I would guess your staying is more because of guilt than love at this point, you haven't really had a marriage past the first year.
You can take the steps to look into care for him, he may actually be happier in care. Maye when you start looking, you will find something that makes you feel more comfortable in your decision.
You can still visit, you can still be there and if other people are providing the care , maybe now your relationship with your husband can be a happier one.
You have no reason to feel guilt, you have done more than most would. The fact that you are only just hiring help now.. I wouldn't have made it that long. You are clearly a strong person,, be strong for yourslef now.
Sounds like his children will object to a placement. Oh, well. Get the support of his doctor and a therapist if you need one. The enabled kids are not ruining their health caring for dad so their say doesn't count.. Sometimes we have to develop a tough skin for our own survival.
You haven't responded to any posts. I am wondering if you are still around.
As some have said (I didn't have time to read all the responses), place him and/or get the best situation / care you can. Then, LET GO and if inclined to believe, LET GOD. You've done more over these years than many would - value the quality of your own life and the time you have left to live. We are with you in spirit, supporting you to have a life, and life experiencing bringing you enjoyment or at least some peace and hopefully, a few laughs with old and new friends.
God bless you for all that you are and have done. It is YOUR time now.
Gena aka Touch Matters P.S. DO get into therapy during this transitional (thinking stage - to doing). It is not easy and get all the support you can.
and perhaps your love has waned because you haven't felt truly loved in a long time.
But, if you were to leave, would you truly be free?
Use some of your newly free time doing things that make you feel good.
Join a gym, power-walk in the park, enjoy a cup of coffee and read a juicy suspense novel.
I truly sympathize with your despair. You stated you love him, but understandably feel overwhelmed and want to reclaim your life and health. Your husband has a lot of problems. In the most simplistic terms, you need practical help so you can retain the role of loving wife without being a full-time nurse, either in-home help or placement of your husband in some kind of care facility. I would seek counseling about how to best meet you and your husband's needs.
2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement get better? Will he be getting better in anyway? Do you have any kind of a relationship with him? Talking, laughing, sharing? Or is that non existent now? I feel for you.
Can you approach the enabled adult children to help out with his care?
You leave and they come in and take full care, taking turns 1 week at a time.
You leave and go have a mini vacation, rest, relax just get out of the bubble.
Or get more relief help? Leaving is tough. Do you always feel like leaving? Or only when you just can't take it anymore?
I would really make an effort to get more help to the point where you are good and can continue to live a healthy normal life. Enough help so that you do the minimal necessary and can revert to the role of just being his wife and loving support as a companion and not a nurse.
Does your husband appreciate what you’re doing for him? Can you get more help from professional caregiving agencies? What will happen to him if you leave?
your questions are a part of my hesitancy...trying to imagine his life without me here. Finances are an issue.
If there's no love left nor commitment to the marriage, then you might as well walk. No one needs to have someone around who despises them for their infirmities.
If that isn't the case, then there are many good suggestions here to help resolve your problems.
Good luck.
You don't mention your finances it would be in your best interest to have a consultation with a qualified elder care attorney to ensure you have the right documents in place, i.e. Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare Proxy, Will, etc
as well as give you advice on existing assets.
Last, stay on this site - it's a Godsend in helping you cope when you feel overwhelmed.
My heart goes out to you - let us know what you decide to do.
What if the roles were reversed and you got catastrophically sick.
You thought you were marrying a relatively healthy senior to spend your golden years together. I could understand that.
Research SNF. Because that’s the kind of care it sounds like he needs. Then you could look for a better opportunity.
My opinion at this stage of the game, arrange to put your husband in a MC Facility and if you feel you need to get a divorce, do so. I believe you've earned some quality time for yourself. I believe you'd still be able to visit him in MC. at your age, you should not hesitate to do what is in your best interest.
We are on the outside looking in. You speak golden wisdom and support. I so appreciate you sharing your feelings here. Many will benefit from your kindness. Gena