I keep getting asked if I have any help from social services but I do not know what they could do. I am 87 (and have my own health problems) and my husband is 86 with mixed dementia and diabetes arthritis etc . I have do do all his (and mine) medications, check his catheter take his blood pressure take his glucose readings etc etc. Because he is not incontinent and can dress himself the social services say I do not need any help. I am getting that stressed I even forgot to take my own meds and eye drops the other day, My cleaning is hit and miss and my husband is in bed (dizzy he falls a lot) most of the day. I cannot employ a cleaner etc because we seem to have doc or hospital appointments most days and do not have a regular day for cleaner to come. Any advice welcomed thank you. by the way we do not have family here to help.
Ask your doctors to recommend home health services for you so that a visiting nurse can come and assess your needs. That could open the way for visiting nurses to spend time at your house to handle your meds and other medical issues.
I feel as if you've given up in the face of too many difficult issues! Understandable, but there is help. You need to be honest with your doctors and insist that they guide you to the right agency.
Good luck with your search.
To be honest, I think it may be time to see an elder law attorney, look at all assets and apply for in facility care for you BOTH in ALF, Board and Care, or other. This isn't sustainable, not doable.
Is there any other familial support here? You may need to hire in a nurse manager to get some of the wheels in this mess turning.
I don't see how someone would think that an 87 yr old can care for a 86 year old with Dementia without some help. He will only worsen.
Call Office of Aging even Adult Protection Services.
I do have a question for you...
Is your husband a Veteran or are you a Veteran?
If so the VA may be of help it could be a little or a LOT.
Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans Affairs or even the VA. They can help determine if you would qualify for any benefits. There are many programs the VA has that could help.
More realistically, the answer is you have to spend money to hire in-home help (Care.com) or you talk to your husband's doctor to see if he qualifies for LTC, which in a facility can be paid for by a combination of Medicaid (for his medical care) and his SS income (which pays for his custodial care: room and board). He must qualify both medically and financially. It will not leave you broke but I recommend you consult with a certified elder law attorney who is experienced in dealing with Medicaid, or a Medicaid Planner for your home state since it is a program that can vary by state.
You may need to consider transitioning yourself into a CCC (continuum of care community) that starts with IL, then AL, then MC, LTC and hospice. Who is going to help you as you lose your ability to care for yourself? Do you have a PoA to manage things for you when you no longer can? It is essential to figure this out and have it in place.
You say you " do not have family here to help" but does this mean you have family but they live far away? Or you are estranged from them? If you do have family (adult children) and they don't live near you I would consider talking to them about being your PoA and moving close to them into a facility.
If you don't have any adult children or willing younger nieces and nephews then you must talk to the attorney to figure out a strategy for your future care, which is in the very near future. Do not wait to start doing this.
If you are not your husband's PoA it is too late for him to assign you. Then you call social services and discuss getting him on a track for a court assigned 3rd party guardian who will then take over his care in a facility and manage everything for him. There aren't perfect solutions here, so you need to be flexible and realistic.
I wish you success in getting a plan in place and getting help so that you don't become exhausted.