What to say and how to deal with a sibling asking your elder mom for money?
HI everyone, another question and update on my situation. My mom 86 did move in with us and everything is going fairly well. But, we are still dealing with my sister. She calls mom and asks for money to go to the doctor and money for food. He husband is working and also gets a ssi check. They live in a camper trailer and are at ends with each other. I think he has took over the finances and must be only giving her a certain amount to spend. She was the one paying bills and the spender. She has gotten then in debt over their heads. My husband will not allow her to come over or in our yard because of her behavior. The last two times she has called and wanted money mom tells her she will give it this time but, she cant give her anymore. But she will always gives in and gives it to her. This month she has already given her $466. Mom is only getting ssi to live on for medicine and personal items. Mom has crippling arthritis and can hardly walk. She has to pull herself up on the walker just to go to the bathroom. The last two times she has called for money she also asked for me to make her a sandwich and a cup of coffee to bring to her. I met her at a local place. I have not told my husband and feel guilty of doing things behind his back. I don't agree with it all but only doing it for mom. I have talked to mother about telling my sister No, and that she can't keep giving her money. But, my sister knows how to play on moms feelings. My daughter also does not agree with this situation and all of this is causing frustration, and friction in our lives. My question is what to do?? I am not the POA over mom and have no authority over her decisions or money. Should I speak to a lawyer or what can we do???? Thanks to anyone that replies!
How is your Mom accessing her money? Is she writing checks? If so, is she driving it over to your sister or is your sister coming to get it? Don't enable any transaction that takes place on your property or in your house. And don't you enable your sister, either. There's a reason her husband is trying to staunch her spending.
Does your sister have an addiction problem?
I would get Mom to assign you POA even if u did not have this problem. Its a tool u will need as she ages. At her age, it should be immediate. But IMO as long as she still has the ability to make decisions, you are not in "control". But if Mom really rather not give Sister money but just gives in, she can tell Sis that u now have POA and handle her money.
You and Mom are enabling your sister. She has a husband, I doubt if he is starving her. Your husband seems to be the only one setting boundaries here. And why is your daughter involved? All you and Mom need to do is learn the word NO. One way maybe getting Mom to stop is tell her she is interferring in a marriage. That Sis's husband seems to have set boundaries when it comes to how much money sis is given. Mom is thwarting his efforts to teach sister to budget.
A lawyer cannot help you. Mom is competent to make her own decisions. Now if she had Dementia you could try to get gaurdianship. What needs to be done is Mom and you set Boundaries. "No Sis, you have to live on what your husband allows you. Mom needs her money for her and I cannot continue to go against my husband. This money problem is between u and your husband."
Ask your mother, in a calm time, if she wants to give her limited resources to promote your sister's continuous dependency and immaturity or if she would like
her daughter to be able to be a grown up and find a way to take care of herself because Mom will not be around forever to bail her out.
Unless you are in charge of her finances, it is her choice.
You have no power, as you yourself admit.
Your mother is competent to make her own decisions.
She is, however, gifting, and if this catches up to her, then at the very point she needs the help of Medicaid she will not be able to get it. If that doesn't scare her, not much will.
It is very difficult, when a parent sees a child in such dire need, not to want to help.
I can only say that, if mother lives with you, I hope you have a care contract for shared living expenses. If mother has to pay you for food, shelter and utilities that is money you can tuck away into an account for her for her safety in future.
I am sorry, but you couldn't even use any POA unless your mom was deemed incompetent in the courts. This is her decision. You have spoken to her about it. But it is her choice.
If you are not POA
You have no say in what mom does with her money.
NOW there might be some things you can do that could help.
Begin "charging" mom.
You should have a contract but charge her for:
A portion of ALL living expenses. If there are 3 people living in your house now 1/3 of the mortgage, gas, electric, water, garbage, cable, internet is to be paid for by mom. This also includes 1/3 of all food expenses.
If you are providing "hands on care" you also charge her for your caregiving.
This will mean that mom has less money to give to your sister.
What you do with the money is up to you. You can bank it for mom, you can use it for your expenses.
But bottom line you have no say in what mom does with her money until mom is incompetent AND you have POA or are appointed her Guardian.
Keeping things from your husband is not good policy, especially since he's made it clear how he feels about the situation.
Stop enabling sister, tell mom that you can't support her giving away her money to sis, charge your mother for room and board so she won't have so much to give to sis, and refuse to be a go-between between mom and sis. That's a starter.
You might think a bit about sis's need for money. If it's for drugs, mom should be informed how her money is financing a drug habit.
You need to tell your mom that you will no longer be the go-between to getting money and sandwiches to her.
You also need to tell your husband and daughter to help you become stronger but gentle with your mom's requests.
I would also suggest speaking to your mom's PCP about your sister's demands on your mom and how your mom feels when your sister makes these demands.
Make sure that you are on your mom's bank accounts to prevent sister from accessing money.
Call it like is your sister is no longer asking for money BUT DEMANDING money. when you change the verb it opens a different way to viewing the situation.
and Remember Financial theft of elderly is a crime whether committed by an outsider or a family member.
If not, your sister will breeze into your mom's bank with a withdrawal slip with a signature that looks like your mom's and take control of her banking.
This scenario sadly happens everyday -- you may want to goggle 5 Wishes which is for health POA and it has good sensible and comforting language to proceed with the financial POA and writing of her will.
Do it SOONER THAN LATER while mom is still cognitively able.
Think about how much this really matters. It’s annoying for you, about the choices and actions for both your mother and your sister, but that may not actually be ‘your business’. Sure it’s a family issue, and perhaps both the husbands could get together and work out a joint plan to control what’s going on behind their backs. If your mother is not paying her way in your house, because the money is going to Sis, that is also ‘your business’, and you can deal with that with mother – putting the money into a savings account for the future if you don’t actually need or want it now.
Think about the long term and the bigger picture – not just the occasional coffee and sandwich.
So short answer to her daughter is giving money away will cause her problems later on. And Medicaid looks back at bank accts 5 years trying to find that very thing.
You can't give it away and then expect state to pay for your medical care
Your mother is enabling your sibling, and it isn't helping you, your mother OR your sibling. Sure, life will probably be really hard and tough if mom stops giving kid money, but hey, that's what life and being an adult is all about - figuring these things out.
Wondering how your sibling is getting ahold of your mother to give her the sob stories? If by phone- dont answer the calls. If your mother has a phone in her room, block your sisters number. How is the money getting to your sister? Is she showing up?
Given the advice about Medicaid, your mother has to stop 'giving' money to your sibling. You need to become her POA in all matters - while she is still mentally cognizant and can legally sign such papers. You also need to draw up a contract whereby the expenses you have for her care are fully documented. Not only for Medicaid look back period but also for the IRS. And you need to do this asap.
And then cut off the money tap to your sibling. If mother is upset about not 'helping' her, perhaps after coming up with the contract/budget, allocate a small sum to your sibling on a monthly basis - i.e., $50 and that is it.
Perhaps contact an attorney although it really seems (?) to depend on who manages your mom's life / affairs, including legal / financial. If no one does, then this is the first area to address.
Clearly, your mom could easily be taken advantage of financially - if she hasn't already (by your sister/her husband).
This situation may require first that your mom is on board with you managing / managing her financial affairs. In this case, yes - get an attorney (yesterday) to set it all up. Otherwise, the little she has may go into the sister's pocket ... which has a hole in it and the money will never stop going into that pocket ...
Of course, if there is dementia involved, then there should already be MD documentation in place that your mom cannot handle her financial affairs.
You say you are not the POA. Who handles / has authority over your mom's money? If it is this sister - stealing from her - then yes. Run to the nearest attorney.
When / before you see an attorney, bring emails, communications - all the records with you 'showing' that your sister is / has a trail of asking for $$$. This is really important.
Do you ask for documentation / records from whoever is handling your mom's money?
You need to intervene immediately.
Get your mom on board.
Sorry this is happening. It is not an unusual situation - family / others stealing / taking advantage of an older person. It is worse when it is family. So sorry.
Gena / Touch Matters
STOP giving her anyone's money. When you take money to her you are just as guilty as your mother. NEVER go behind your husband's back with something like this. I believe it is financial infidelity. Are you trying to get a divorce? What are you thinking? If your mother insists, maybe it is time for her to move to assisted living.
Explain that if anything were to happen and she could no longer make her own decisions - about how or where she lived, her health, etc. - that she would need someone she could trust to make those decisions for her, someone who she knows has her best interests at heart.
Point out that either the social services or your sister (who clearly has a history of making bad decisions) could step in and take over, if you do not have the legal authority to prevent it.
Explain that it's not because you have a low opinion of your sister that you don't want your mum to give her money, but because you're concerned about your mum's health and wellbeing, and she needs the money. Explain that if you had POA over your mum's finances, as well as her health, that it might be easier for your mum to pass the decision to you, next time your sister calls.
I'd like to point out that, in the UK, POA only passes to the appointed person once the person they are representing no longer has capacity. Nevertheless, it would stop your sister from completely fleecing your mum.