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This may be an opposite situation of most dealing with an elderly parent my mother in law who is quite able to be independent such as driving, going to the store, walking up the block to the mailbox to mail her own mail etc. pretends as if she cannot. This all started when she finally sold her house I moved in next door to my husband and myself 7 Months ago. Up until that time She had always done everything herself but once she saw she could get others to do everything for her no matter how minor the task She virtually stop doing everything Including leaving the house if she doesn't have to. Unfortunately when is contributing to this behavior because she convinces and which is unable to do any of these things the problem is those of us who are Around when he is not know It's not that you can't he just doesn't want to and enjoys being catered to the problem I see this will cause her age prematurely then she would have due to having no purpose in life or interaction with others. Door to door service is great we need it and having everything but to you is as well. When you are perfectly capable doing these things yourself and you choose not to for the simple reason you don't have to is quite scary. To be willing to give up Your independence for the sake of convenience is something I have never heard of . Let's face it as we all know whenever the time comes when they are no longer able to Retain their same level of independence it is always way too soon way too soon than you want as it is. I have seen it way too many times how fast a Person can deteriorate when there is no purpose in their life And it's heartbreaking. We watch her walk perfectly fine when she thinks no one is around and then when she is with my husband she pretends she has difficulty walking. Of course as any son would do he continues To wait on her hand and foot and cater to her in every way possible. I'm sure this can't be healthy but talking to him about it is not even an option so what do you do besides stand by and watch or train wreck happen before your eyes?

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You do not have to stand by and watch a train wreck. You can only be responsible for yourself. Others will do what they want, when they want, and you have a choice as to what you will do to contribute to their destruction. The choice is yours. Either help or not help, but don't complain about the choices she has made for herself. My mother's husband worked hard all his life, and when he retired apparently he said he would sit down and do nothing. Well, he got his wish. We had just been over celebrating Easter, we left, and he was sitting in "his" chair smoking his cigar. He got up to go somewhere, and keeled over dead! His choice. No one has a right to dictate to another.
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I guess i dont see the problem. If she wants to be taken care of and the son is willingvto cater to her, then that's the relationship they have. She can hire private duty home health care at about $21/hr (for an agency, $10/hr for an individual she might know) and have this support. You can always give her ideas for distraction and leisure time like coloring, knitting, woodcarving, card making, etc. She could be introduced to the Area Agency on Aging and they can tell you if there is a senior center in town. Lots of churches have bingo and lots of people have fun with this. She could join the ladies red hat society, join a book club, or volunteer at church. Join a local band or choir if she has the affinity for either of them. Just some ideas. You can start with the Area Agency on Agency...you can google this for your county and state. Tell them "mom needs to have more social interactions/hobbies/leisure time, what do you have available?". Good luck. Coloring with adult color boojs and pencils is a good way to start. Mandelas and paisleys are pipular bc there is no right or wrong coloring as there seems to be with landscapes and animals. Good coloring books can be found on amazon for about $5.99 for starters. Creative Arts sells good books. The illustrator of " my favorite garden" has many in her series that are very good. Lots of info. Hope it helps.
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The bottom line is this: you cannot change control someone else's behavior, but you can control yours.
When you are asked to do something you do not want to do (whether it's because someone can do for themselves or for any other reason), simply do not do it! That is so much easier said than done, I know. But always remind yourself, it is you who are enabling the helplessness.
Obviously, be kind in your refusal, but stand your ground..."I'm so sorry, I won't be able to get over to help you until ______." or "I wish I could, but I can't right now." The more insistent the requests become, the more apologetic you must become. "I realize you really want me to help you and I'm so, so sorry that I can't right now. I just feel awful."
Every time the ball comes into your court, gently tap it back.
"It's urgent? Oh, no! Let's think, then. Who else can you call? Could you struggle along on your own this time?"

ps – I agree with the other commenter about the driving. If she's given it up, there may be a reason you can't see or understand. Don't push her into getting behind the wheel. Call her an Uber! It's pretty affordable and a wonderful thing; especially if you could teach her how to do it herself. Getting out and about independently may give her back some of her sociability!
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If my MIL had not moved to Fla we would have had that problem. Even though my FIL was alive when we were first married, she still called my husband. FIL stopped it. I always felt I was in competition with her. UR MIL probably did because she had to. Now ur husband is doing for her. I agree, though, that limits need to be set. As the wife, u come first. Talk withbur husband. Tell him he is doing her no favors. He needs to make her aware he can't be there at the drop of a hat. Set up a scedule. Dr. Visits only certain days of the week during certain times. That she will be included as much as possible but that you have lives of your own and there will be times you will be doing on ur own.
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I think I might feel abandoned by my husband. Does he do little things for you? You for him? It's said that we teach people how to treat us. But it's good to have balance in our individual lives. Tips I've heard of. Develop balance by allowing your self a bit of entitlement to take time for yourself. Have a date with yourself where you go for a walk to connect with nature or to do something that feeds you. Get in the flow. Do something that makes you feel in the flow. Something you get totally involved in. I know it's hard but my experience is even if you merely point out the obvious, spouses can get defensive about their relatives. You get to choose what you do with your time ( I hope) and maybe the earlier suggestions will help you when she makes requests of you but you will probably have to allow your husband to make his own choice. Maybe he will notice how you are handling things and emulate you. Otherwise he will feel it's the two of them against you. It sounds like he already knows how you feel about it. Take care of you while he's going through this time with his mom.
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I think if someone had a real solution that would be appreciated for most of us reading this cause my mum is ill like most with their sicknesses and medications but when you turn your your head for the most part , not always ! Its a miracle ! She walks faster than an olympian but when there people around for the most part shes a quadriplegic ! Its behavioural ... Dementia...and its also horribly selfish , yes they are lonely ... Theres a lot of psychology behind it all plus ones ...illness ... But to take your independence away cause they refuse theres is unhealthy! Mum was independent prior even with her illness but the more i give her the more she takes she refuses to aknowledge that evryone is helping her to assist her not to make her less mobile! Mum loves to put on the quadriplegic act which is ridiculous ! What i used to do was spy on her & wow she she have the good life whilst i was her slave ! Its ruins you in the long run! Mum is stubborn! What works is to leave them to their own devices sometimes and sure bad things can happen but you cannot do things for anyone 24/7 every second ! Same goes with hospitals & nursing homes . So monitor this closely to see what is & is not & leaving someone to their own devices works!! You have to be cruel to be kind !
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I sure understand how annoying this behavior is!

That said, if you can bring yourself to respond with love, you will both be happier. Lovingly offer to help her do the errand for herself. Arrange it so that she has to participate in everything, even if you do, too. Don't provide great service, and make her wait, but do so lovingly and apologetically. The more she feels loved, the easier she will be to live with. Make her come to the store to show you exactly what she wants.

DON'T try to make her drive. 70 may be too young to stop, but 80 isn't.

Be loving to her, not a servant. Pat yourself on the back for being a loving person.
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well my mother is the same. since she moved in with us she is LAZY as all get up. Its not dementia or loneliness or anything medical, its PURE narcissistic behavior. she wants attention on her at all times and will do anything to get it. She THRIVES on pity. If this is your case I feel for you because it gets old FAST doing everything for a person that's perfectly capable. Talk about resentment......
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lol freqflyer!
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Sometimes, our perceptions of a seniors abilities are not accurate. We may think they are able to walk a certain way, but sometimes they can't. We may think they are able to shop, pay the tab, remember names and locations, but in reality, we don't really know what may be going on in a senior's mind. I'd explore a little more as some above have suggested.

You might start with her doctor. I would watch for little things to see if she really does have some change in her mental status. An evaluation by her doctor might be a good place to start. Maybe she has depression (some people hide it well), bladder or bowel leakage (it's embarrassing to many people), dementia or age related mental decline.

I suggest this because before we knew that my cousin had dementia, I was told by some health care workers that she was lazy and unmotivated. She had stopped coming to family events that she used to love. She stopped shopping. We later learned that she forgot how to pay for things and she got confused in the car. All of the things that she stopped doing was due to her fear, forgetfulness and confusion. It wasn't her being lazy or giving up. And she was only 62 years old! A person may say they no longer care to do it, but it's really due to inability. They may be too embarrassed to share that. Granted, sometimes they can do things. That's how dementia works. Rarely does it all go at once.

Of course, maybe there is no medical or mental reason for the behavior. Even if your MIL has just decided that she's tired and wants to take it easy, then what's the problem with that? Must seniors stay active to make us feel better? As long as her mental and physical health is fine, then why can't she live a life of leisure? If tending to her is problematic, then explore a service to help. At a certain age, I think we all should be able to settle down and relax. I think I might find out what she does she enjoy and try to focus on it.
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As a Companion service owner and Companion Provider, I would recommend a day center...most are happy to provide a free day or a few hours that she could visit, play bingo or work a puzzle just to "try it out"...I hope that you find a solution :)
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How much social interaction does she have each day? It could be that she's being so needy because she's lonely and bored. If so, she might not even realize that's what's driving her to forego doing things she could easily do herself. Can she afford a retirement community? It might be time to take her to have a look. Or, is there a local senior group that meets regularly? Insist that she try it.
If you're healthy, 80 is too young to give up on having fun.
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Tell her that you will do things for her, but on your time schedule, not hers. You're not her "beck and call girl", especially when she is capable of doing things herself. In your second comment you say "Her selfishness all for the sake of what is convenient for her has gotten beyond ridiculous"----the "what is convenient for her" part is what has to be worked on. If she wants things done, she will have to wait until it is a convenient time FOR YOU to do it. That may give her the incentive to do things herself, when she realizes that she doesn't have a couple of people "on call" for her every whim.
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OneSister, I really agree with you! The latest thing my mom does (a woman who has always been tech-savvy and had a computer at home since the 1970's) is "my iPad/iPhone/Mackbook/PC isn't working/is acting funny/I can't get into it..." Forgets her passwords, can't remember which password is for what, etc. etc. and the problem gets increasingly more complex each time I fix it. After resetting and re-writing down her passwords a half a million times, finally I told her, if you're going keep changing passwords without telling me, I won't know what it is and you'll be on your own and there will be nothing I can do for you. Suddenly the problem isn't there anymore. She loves to read online, so it's interesting that she's so frustrated when the internet is off for a couple hours, yet when it comes back on you don't hear a peep as she is happily reading/surfing away on the same device she couldn't remember the password to this morning. No dementia, just the need for someone to come to her rescue. I learned that I have to take my superhero cape off or I would never have any peace....hard to do when you've always been the one to fix whatever wasn't working. It sounds like your MIL just needs some attention, and you need a life besides being her caretaker. If there are no old friends or other family nearby to visit , perhaps a companion service might let you have a break?
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Sounds like she isn't at all emotionally independent
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Thank you for sharing I have a similar issue in fact just yesterday I asked my mom "Do you ever think about getting your own water?." She is so used to someone else her husband waiting on her she hasn't had to even think about anything how sad. Praying that this new adult day care which has what they call senior school will help. It takes a village filled with love to look after an elderly or ailing parent, in law, spouse, sibling or friend. God bless.
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We have this issue with our sister who has decided bed-ridden is better than working to have some independence. This led to anger, frustration and then guilt from all of us. When she asked for something she could do herself, tell her now [or her timeframe] isn't going to work for you and the project will need to wait. Give her a timeframe which will be inconvenient to her [when her favorite show is on always works]. Or just say you are in the middle of something. Short of the need being something that is medically urgent, there really isn't anything that can't be postponed. Once she realizes her urgency doesn't require you to jump things may change. Another suggestion is if you are buying her food, don't always get the specific item she needs. Her decision to become dependent is her decision, but she needs to understand how that impacts everyone else and how she has now become a burden to other people. Really dependent people would give anything to be able to do things for themselves - giving that up is her decision.
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Bless her for giving up driving if she does not feel safe doing it!

I agree with Babalou that she should be evaluated medically. It may help her confidence level if she is pronounced fit to do things for herself. And if she is beginning some kind of cognitive decline, it would be very helpful for everyone to know that.

I'm only 70 but I find I have less and less desire to leave my nice cozy home. I very consciously plan some outings so I'm not completely isolated but I often don't leave the house for days at a time. Twenty years ago I could not have imagined having this attitude. Aging brings about changes!
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Has she been diagnosed with dementia or with depression, ? Has she ever been worked up for those conditions? I think a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist might be in order, in conjunction with a frank discussion with her doctor about why she's behaving differently than she used to.
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Sometimes the routines in our life give us confidence in our own ability to function, we can shop with ease because we have been going to that same store for years, our local handyman is on speed dial, we can even sleep walk to the bathroom at night because we have done it a thousand times before. While it is true people move all the time it is also true that adjusting to a new place and new routines takes time, especially if you are elderly and perhaps secretly ambivalent about the move, it does represent letting go of youthful hopes and ambitions and settling for the realities of looming mortality.
I agree that neediness can sometimes mask fear, fear of the future and fear of her ability to function. You don't have to jump each time she calls, but you should try to find ways to support her. You may want to consider that she may be happier in a community geared to seniors with built in supports and services, just having those supports in place may give her the confidence to function more independently from you.
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My MIL has been like this since I've known her (30 years). Sadly, her children ignore her and I am the one giving her a little attention. After reading LorrieB's comment, it now makes such perfect sense!
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I noticed this behaviour in my mother as well; it took me a while to realize that I was resenting her for this "pretend helplessness." I thought she was taking advantage of my generosity. Ultimately, though, her behaviour could only be explained by how lonely she felt in her aging life, and how resentful SHE was, after a lifetime of serving five children and a demanding husband (married at 18, pregnant right away). She confessed to me during one teary conversation that she had always hoped that, one day, someone would be looking after her and making her feel special, the way she had done for so many others, including many lucky friends of hers who depended on her heavily when they were sick or in difficult straits. Perhaps your MIL is feeling the same way? I'm curious as to why you can't discuss this with your husband, but perhaps in addressing it directly with him, the two of you can find ways to make her feel special without sacrificing too much of your time. Selfishness sometimes masks a lot of fear inside...
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I think that answer having to do with vanity is a very good one while she is somewhat vain she loves telling us how when she comes across people they never believe she is how old she is which is 80. I think telling her she looks older than she is would be so insulting it would probably piss off my husband and then I would have another issue to deal with. Every month she has a new excuse as to why she can't do something herself such as driving and when she ran out of the physical excuses her excuse of the month now is she lost her sense of direction and doesn't know how to get there. An example is we live on 36th Avenue and she said she does not know where 35th Avenue is. Her Selfishness all for the sake of what is convenient for her has gotten beyond ridiculous
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That must be so very frustrating as you know what Mom-in-law is doing to get attention.

Try asking her if she is feeling ok because you and others have notice she is looking like she is 100 years old [instead of being whatever her age is] and maybe vanity will take over as she wouldn't want to be thinking that others think she is so much older.
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