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It's been cloudy and cold the last few days (for FL) and my mom has been extra miserable. God forbid the weather not be perfect! She's in that "I'm not happy" mood and basically wants me to sit around listening while she complains non-stop. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've been trying to avoid her with excuses, but I can tell it's only making her more angry.


The other day she started asking me questions about the expense sheet I kept when we purchased and renovated her condo. She wanted to know if she got "credit" for the money she gave us at the start of the renovations. It was $20K out of the 70K+ spent. I told her yes, and then went to get my ledger to show her where the 20K was listed and couldn't immediately find it so I asked her why she was wondering. I knew her money was listed and my mom has a photocopy of the ledger, something she requested last year. At that point she dropped it and moved on to some other "concern".


My take away- she is miserable here. Living by me has not been the experience she thought it would be. Never mind that it's been my worse nightmare come true. For her -- she is miserable too. I believe that she wants to move, but the problem is twofold. She really has no place to go (this is the biggest problem), and she can't afford it, not a place to her standards. The way the equity in her condo stands right now, we would both lose money. I also made it clear to her last summer when she threatened to move over me trying to stop her driving that I would not be signing anything unless I had a guarantee protected by a lawyer that I get every cent we put in FIRST and she can have what's left. I refuse to take a loss on this when I took money out of our retirement account to fund this FOR HER. But like I said, the biggest issue is she has nowhere to go. I could rent her condo for easy 2K a month or more, so if it came down to it, the finances could probably be worked out, and that would be FINE by me!! But there is no place for her to go.


She's dealing with her own issues, or rather NOT dealing with them and her increased digs at me, from everything to what I wear to "your hair looks dirty". It wasn't. She was just in a mood. That's code for she needs attention. I'm tired of the digs about how we "never" go out to eat. We "never" do this, or that... it just goes on and on. I want to scream I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE!


She has NO friends here. She refuses to even consider the senior center or anything related. There are snow bird activities going on, I've offered to go with her to start... nope. Wants nothing to do with it.


I'm at my wits end, again. I keep hoping the Wellbutrin will kick in but it hasn't yet. I told my husband last night that I'm thinking of lying to her and saying I got a job somewhere, just to be unavailable without having to explain what I'm doing.


To make matters worse, I can't talk to my mom about ANY of this. I have already been ORDERED to NEVER say the word dementia to her again, ever. (I dared to say it twice in the last 18 months while wanting to talk about the future) So any and all conversations about her future care needs are somehow forbidden. She wants business as usual which means she runs the show, she decides all the rules, and if she isn't happy, nobody is going to be happy.


Is there any way I can make this better?

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back a year or two ago when my mother was still able to live in her own home with my every day personal care, I signed her up for transfer to the local senior center. I would go to her house, roust her out of bed and sheep herd her through a breakfast, dressing and then wrassle her out the door to be picked up. Complaining ALL the way down the walk. I would come back to her house and wait for her bus and she would come off the bus STILL fuming. After a few days, I called the center and spoke to the director, who told me that they had tried multiple times to engage her and that she refused and sat and played solitaire till the bus showed up. About a year after that, I signed her up for adult daycare. I would wrangle her out of bed and drive her to their secure center. Crafts, treats, bus rides and occasional live music. Every time I would pick her up afterwards, she would have NOTHING to say. Nothing. Asked the staff how it was going and they said that one time they got her on the bus ride and when she got back she announced that that was that and she didn’t need to go on ANY MORE bus rides. Basically she stood apart from the activities and waited for me to pick her up.

But, she got out. She got to be in a different environment and used to the idea that there were things she was going to have to do, like it or not. Was she happy? Nope. It wasn’t about her having a good time it was about her being safe and in a happy stimulating environment, eating treats and supervised by professionals.
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Oh my gosh, so very glad I happened to find this thread today. I've been researching non- smart phone taxi services, "faux friends" to hire from Care.com or any other background checked help site so she might have an occasional companion to drive her to Dr or grocery or even lunch. I even wrote the local colleges looking for kids needing volunteer hours. She loves young people but is kind of afraid or intimidated by her peers now.

The faux friend has to be under 65 or she is uncomfortable. I think her withdrawal from her "peers" has to do with her lack of confidence since she and my Dad were linked at the hip since they were 18. Daddy passed in '18 and her depression is always there. Her Dr gave her an antidepressant but it made her dizzy and she fell in her IL apt. Took 3 months for her to not be dizzy and walk without a cane. Bit afraid to go that route again.

Ideas I've had (besides the hired faux friends)are to set up a sign up genius with any her friend's names (I don't know anyone here) and request phone calls or short visit's or lunch dates...I'd explain she will try to say no, if you get her out you might need to do most of the talking, don't tell her about this being an organized effort and above all be patient if she forgets something or is quiet, maybe figure out the bill as she is having trouble with tip lately. Worth a try maybe.
I thought about a pet for company. She won't allow dog toenails on her floor. 1) not her floor at life care and 2) every other apartment in her condo has a dog 25lbs bigger than the size I'm thinking of. Pets really help but she won't do it. She loves pets.
Trying to get her to "garden" on her patio. Nope, dirt might get on patio, what? She loved working in yard. That was her favorite pastime. I tried to suggest getting a plot in the community garden she can piddle in. Nope, community. She is afraid to do the wrong thing or plant the wrong flowers in her own little box.

I am so frustrated because I am "camping" in this town/state since I came "temporarily" to help them downsize to a Life Care Community days after my divorce. I need her to try so I don't feel so bad going home. I did say why don't you move or come with me. Nope, never leaving this town. OK...I think I have to.

Mom and Dad loved their condo but hated every other part of living in this new place. Not joiners! They used to love to go out to dinner and dance. They would groan if someone knocked on their door at their home or the new one. Uninvited company to their "island' was a dreaded event. I don't want to be part of this isolated island anymore. I need to step out for a while and come back to visit.

Now, after Dad fell and declined til he passed in '18...no one comes or calls because they were so private. Mom won't call her friends of 45 years, or the younger friends she has known.

She continuously says she doesn't want to impose on anyone...I look at her and ask -except me?. I wake up crying. Miss Dad, miss my friends across the country and am very stressed about having so much on my plate to begin again, I haven't had time to even think of getting over my last chapter because so much to do now for them. Not helping is that I am not using good coping skills. Ive gained about 30 lbs since arriving. My fault I know but I'm having trouble turning it around.
I also have an over 45 brother who my folks have babysat for his whole life. He does live here and has for 35 years. Only came to see Dad 2x in the 10 months he was sick. My Mom worries about him 24/7. Pretty irritating. Needless to say he and I are not getting closer.

I am mad at Mom 98% of the time and I think I'm grieving Dad, my former life, family and also sad because I know she is not going to be here forever.... so the guilt hangs heavy even feeling this way. She has so much to offer. I am sad and disappointed that both my folks just quit and wanted me to be their only FT support and cheerleader when I've lived 2000 miles away for 45 years!
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ExhaustedPiper Jan 2020
No wonder you feel like you are drowning. Lots on your plate right now. Divorce, grief, your mom's issues, your brother's issues and your far away from home. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I've been given lots of good advice on this thread that I think would apply to you too as far as making your mom happy. We can't make ourselves responsible for that, as much as we want to help, I can relate to how you feel about it through, it's HARD to walk away and create safe boundaries.

I'm only on my second year of dealing with this, and feel crippled half the time so I don't have a whole bunch in the way of advice but I do have a few things.

Do NOT move her in with you, and do not move her close to you unless it's to a care facility close to your home. You CAN do this from afar if your mom refuses to relocate to a care home by you. Lots of people on this forum do successful long distance managing of their parents. Your mom digging in her heels "never leaving this town" is HER choice. Don't feel bad about leaving. You are not home and it's ridiculous that anyone would expect you to be camping out like this for so long. Looks to me like it's time for you to let Mom and brother know you are going home.

As to her socializing.... I feel you on this 100%. I think we have to come to terms that it is not for us to fix. If they really wanted to socialize, they would. Your mom was a loner before your dad died, so I'm not surprised she is being that way now. Some people are happier that way. Does your mom use the internet and any social media? If she doesn't have dementia and can navigate things like social media that might be engaging.

Let me know how the paid friends thing works out if you try it. I've considered that, but I'm not willing to pay for it, and my mom would be angry if I even suggested she try it. It would be insulting to her. I also thought of pets, but mine doesn't want any shedding whatsoever. She's OCD about her place. Actually she seemed disinterested in general so I dropped it.

You (we've) made suggestions to our mothers and they are making their choices. We're done dealing with it now. We're not their life partners.

Make yourself very happy today by making plans to return home. Get a ticket or whatever is needed and make a set date. It's time to take care of you.
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My mother was a social butterfly. Sometimes this backfired on her when she forgot or wouldn't tell the doctor what was ailing her because she was so busy socializing.
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Please allow me to vent today. I'm visiting my mom who doesn't socialize either. When she moved into this very nice senior apartment building, a lady on her floor invited her into her apartment to look at it since there were no vacancies. She would visit everyone on the floor and decorate the halls at Christmas. Very kind.
She's now 70, my mom 86. The lady has been very sick, but my mom refuses to go down the hall to even knock on her door. She says she's "younger than I am." SMH
She just sits here everyday and complains about her arthritic pain.
I'm generally patient and sympathetic, but today I am just irritated at her selfishness and self centeredness (something she has been all of her life).
Just visit when you can. I just say, "I dunno" where she asks why my siblings or children don't call.
You can't change people.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Vent all you want! Have been there. My answer was always, “If you want to know something about someone else, ask them and not me.” That put a stop to her asking me about them.

I didn’t talk about them behind their backs but they surely did speak about me behind my back. I think mom was offended that I didn’t take the bait. It’s just not my style.

Can’t control anyone else. Can’t change them. I don’t even want to. If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, I don’t want it anyway. No point in being sad about it. To quote a tired and over used expression, “It is what it is.”
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Maybe she is adjusting to the place? I do not know how long she's been there, I don't think you mentioned it, but all I know that it takes some time for people, maybe longer for others, to adjust to the new environment. Big hugs, because I had a dad that was like that (Complained a lot , didn't socialize that much with the other residents and didn't participate in some of the activities.)
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My mom claims to be a loner. She's always happy to see me though. And she is pleasant when there is only one conversation happening at a time. She's in assisted living and when too many people are in a room, she leaves. Small groups are fine for her. I think large groups confuse her, even if a conversation is happening in the next room that she can hear. I'm not sure if it's dementia though. I remember her kind of always being this way.

We want our loved ones to be happy and make our own brains crazy trying to figure it out for them. Your mom seems to have determined she is not going to be happy. In a situation such as hers perhaps she needs to hire someone to be with her for a few hours every day. Not you. That person can bring different conversations to her and get her out of her own thoughts. What about a cat too? Someone for her to take care of.
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Good job in saying NO! It sometimes is difficult, because we want to help, but often is necessary. It usually gets easier, with practice, so practice, Practice, PRACTICE!!!

Happiness does come from within - it can be achieved when one participates in activities that one likes, but if she doesn't have any that she likes or can't do anymore, so be it. You can try to engage her in a class, or joining in a Senior Center activity and/or meal, but if she refuses, move on. Our mother started self-isolating, who knows why. She used to go to SC activities and the free or very low cost meals offered at the SC with friends from the condo area (55+), but started making excuses or just not showing up. For her it was probably partly the dementia and partly her hearing problem, but she wouldn't go. Her friends and even some who worked at the SC tried to encourage her to go and enlist her friends, but nothing doing! We would also hear the "don't get out", "nothing to do here", "boring looking at the same 4 walls everyday", etc, but encouraging her to get out or invite friends over, or suggesting AL, nope. If asked what she wanted to do, she might say 'go out and have a pizza.' Oh excitement - be still my beating heart!!!

Is there anything she used to do that might spark some interest? If not, you can only offer what's out there and if she refuses, that's her choice. SC should have a newsletter with upcoming activities - can you get that sent to her, or pick it up and leave it for her? I recall your post about her driving and getting a new license in PA - where would she go when she still drove? Would any of those places help?

If not, misery loves company, could you find someone else who is also miserable to come visit with her? Then they could kvetch together! Maybe even hiring the most miserable aide you can find might work - they can BMC together!

If nothing works, have cameras for monitoring and you do what YOU like to do. It isn't your job to make her happy, and even if it was, it isn't likely to happen anyway. Find your own outlets and don't even make excuses for not going - just no, I'm busy, I'll be there later (with NO indication of when later is.) Hopefully if you get better at pushing back and limiting access you can get off the meds too! It won't likely change anything for her, but if you limit time with her, the negatives won't be as bad for you!

Be on the lookout for a facility, as living alone won't last. Rental income, if you go that way, can help pay for the AL place. We could have done rental too, but not being local to me I didn't want to take on being landlord along with everything else I have to do! I manage everything else for mom, bros are mostly useless, so that would have been dumped on me - no thanks! In your case, it is local and due to monetary concerns, selling it probably isn't the best option. In our case, it worked out well, as this was the only 55+ on the market in that area and we had a bidding war! EC atty fees (it was a life estate) sucked up quite a bit, but when all said and done, we got at least the original asking price! Let the doctor (hopefully on board), or someone else be the bad guy when the time comes.

Mom is who she is. You can't change her, only yourself and how you react to her. Limited access and walking away if she starts something you don't want to deal with are what you can control. Time to take control of yourself! Work on YOUR happiness!!!
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ExhaustedPiper Jan 2020
Some really good advice in your post, thank you.

My mom drives to the doctors, grocery store and nail/hair appointments. All local and fairly close. I don't encourage any more driving, or any driving for that matter. I refuse to be a passenger with her, and she knows how I feel about it. We had huge fights last summer when she was in PA getting that PA license. I warned her of the repercussions of lying about residency, her medical state, her pending FL revocation -- nothing worked, she did it anyway. I'm in FL blowing a gasket and my sibling were all casual "Just let her be and maybe she'll change her mind"....

She has a summer cottage in PA. The area is fairly secluded and even though she's been going there for many years, a lot of friends have sold and moved on. She only has 2 friends up there now and while she claims she socializes with them a lot I have my doubts. The cottage is worth about 150K. She also keeps a car up there worth about 10K. The reality is both should be sold and the funds earmarked for her care. Plus she is not safe there by herself imo. Last year I begged her to get a life alert system before she left. I researched for days and had picked out a few, she wouldn't do it. That was another fight. Again my siblings acted like I was over-reacting. "Let her go, she won't be able to stay up there much longer".

About 3 weeks ago she was over here and was acting extra loony. The next morning I texted my siblings on a group message and told them I don't feel she is safe to be at the cottage alone, I said to them: that is a FACT. She is progressing in the dementia! My brother who lives in PA is over an hour away, so he only gets up there on weekends, once or twice a month. I got no real reaction from them. My brother had an infected eye so he just went on about that, and my sister told me it's months away and not to worry yet. My sister tries to be on board and supportive of me so I'm not dissing her at all, but all of this is very secondary in her life. She's the smart one!

Meanwhile my mom is definitely planning on going again this Spring. .... Not sure why I'm telling you all of this.... oh yeah, how to fund her care. She has some assets/money, and I'm willing to manage renting her condo if that will help keep her in a decent place. In hindsight, I NEVER should have put our money into her condo and that would have forced the sale of the cottage before she could even move. Like an idiot I thought it would be great if she could keep going for "another 5-10 years" and my brother could inherit it eventually because he's broke. The onset of dementia changed everything.

I just feel like a lot of stuff is going to transpire in the next year. It makes me very nervous. My hope is that she goes to the cottage, my brother helps her sell it (it should sell quick) and she comes right back. As much as I don't want her here, I don't want her to be in danger up there alone. I'm the one ironically taking the stand on that.... meanwhile what I would give to have my life back. Ugh!
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Make an appointment with her physician and go with her. It sounds like depression and she is manipulating you with passive aggressive behavior for attention. She may need antidepressants and therapy. Get some therapy too in order to deal with her behavior issues.
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My mother used to be the social one, even though she has been clinically depressed her whole adult life. When dementia set in, she became less social and stopped doing the activities she always loved. It got to the point that my dad agreed to move to IL hoping the activities would help her. It did not.
As her dementia got worse, she could not follow directions at activities or keep up with conversations, so unless my dad was there to help, she could not participate. She has no motivation to do anything but eat, read watch TV a d. funny enough, get her nails done because then she gets compliments. Yes, she is a narcissist.
I believe that along with the inability to understand information, the part of her brain that controls motivation died...not uncommon with dementia.
I finally gave up...we simply let her do what she wants. She has my dad for now, but that could change at a moment's notice as his kidneys are failing.
If that happens, we will place mom in a beautiful care home with ten residents where they will take her to a activities automatically and bring her to meals.
At some point, your mom will need to be placed in a facility or come live with you... so be sure you have the financial resources for that.
Good luck
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EP, have you just taken her to a lunch at the senior community center?

I would tell her that we are going to lunch and you have a new place picked out that you are going to try and just do it. If she refuses to get out of the car, take your keys and let her sit and pout while you go enjoy a nice lunch meeting new people. I would do this once a week and as soon as she made a friend I would stop participating and let her fly solo with it.

My dad is finally making agreeable noises about going to the senior center. I just keep telling him, when he starts saying he doesn't get out enough or doesn't have anyone to do things with, dad, I think that you will be pleasantly surprised by who you will meet at the senior community center. I bet you find someone or a couple of men that would like to ____. This has been going on since 2017, I have felt like a nag, but it is finally making progress. Yippee! I am believing that he will have new friends to play with before summer hits.

Keep giving her the solution and learn some clever comebacks for her ugly comments.

It is okay to tell her that she shouldn't say anything if she can't say something nice. Let her get angry, maybe she will see that it doesn't work and she will try to be nice. Can't hurt anyway, she is already being ugly and difficult.

You can do this! I remember your 1st post and I think that you are doing a great job for her. Whether she sees it or agrees doesn't change the fact that you have stepped up to help her when she was never there for you. I think it must get stuck in some people's craw when they're being help by an adult child that they treated awfully when they were children. I would think it makes them feel ashamed and then they bite us instead of appreciating what is being done for them.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
If I would have tried that I would have been reported for abuse of leaving her abandoned, first to siblings, then who knows who else. Sounds good in theory but it depends on who you are dealing with as to how it goes.

Sure would be nice if parents cooperated.
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My Dad was a total tool. Very hard to tolerate. Dementia too

what I did was to bring in another caregiver. But, she was introduced as just someone who would help get the place organized. I was there. After a couple hours I offered my Dad some ice tea...also the new person.

we sat around and just chatted. After a bit of time I “had” something else to do...left them to chat,

after the second day, my Dad mentioned he doesn’t get to go to Walmart hardly at all...she offered to take him.

the next day they were friends, That weekend he missed her a lot. After that, he barely noticed if I was around or not.

it solved two problems. First, he would not accept anyone but me as caregiver...so he got a “friend”....second he had someone to hang out with, and go places with.

she was a gem
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disgustedtoo Jan 2020
This, if it works, is the BEST solution (unless one needs a lot of care 24/7)! Had hoped this would work for mom (the place we hired from wouldn't take her out, but we could possibly fill in there.) It was only 1 hour/day (their min), weekdays only at the onset, to be increased as needed. I didn't care what they did other than check her med dispenser and point it out if she missed that day and a sanity check (ensure she's not on the floor or something bad!) In mom's case, this lasted less than 2 months. She refused to let them in. :-( It's always worth a try, even if you have to try different people - if you can find that "gem" who clicks with the LO, great! If not... Plan B
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How l long ago was the Wellbutrin started? It usually takes 4 to 6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels. Perhaps it's not the appropriate medication for her. If there is a geriatric psychiatrist in your area, I would suggest an evaluation for medication. Are there any activities that she enjoyed in the past? I think your setting boundaries and having limited contact with her is good for your mental health. Is she a church goer? Maybe someone from her religious affiliation can reach out and invite her to an activity. Maybe aging and adult services will have some ideas as well. Good luck. Depression along with dementia is so difficult to deal with as a family member.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2020
OP is the one taking the medication... She is giving it a little more time to see if it works for her. Personally, I would deal less with mom and get rid of the meds!
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Yes exhausted piper, we would love to have you share the recipe, I know that my brother would love it! Thanks!
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ExhaustedPiper Jan 2020
I posted it in the "What are you having for dinner thread" for you and IsThisReallyReal.

Hope you guys like it!
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You say "Living by me...." so I hope she isn't living WITH you. I thinkyou need to withdraw more. You say she isn't your life partner, but actually you are acting as her life partner, or even as the servant to her boss. I would remove myself. If you need to have a fiduciary appointed to manage her finances do so. Tell her that you no longer feel up to it, and are sorry to act so inadequate, but that you aren't up to it. When she isn't in a good mood, leave. You aren't responsible for her mood and you cannot fix it. Not everything is about "happy all the time". Her happiness is not your job description.
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eek! This sounds really familiar somehow. I have become my mothers significant other also. As well as her 12 year old daughter again. Constant criticizing and complaining.

As I look back I see that Dad and Mom were stuck together like glue, Mom was the controller, so now she controls me. Instead of reacting to the buttons she pushes I am trying to learn to analyse what she needs vs what she wants.

Changing my perception helps, for instance she says I need to give up my community garden plot, I think it is none of her business, as queen of my life I get this luxury. (Sanctuary and away time for me.) A lot of the demands I can gloss over, some I have to choose whether it is worth fighting for. Pick the battles that are worth it.

And if she has dementia, know the problem is not you, her brain is changing. You can't reason with dementia, it is a disease.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2020
If she wants to spew controlling comments, let her. You can just ignore and do your thing! With dementia, explaining and arguing why or why not is pointless. As I told my daughter (12 at the time) just yes her to death and be yourself when mom would make unwanted comments or suggestions! That was LONG before the dementia kicked in!

What you do or think is no one's business but your own AND you need to do the things you enjoy to ensure YOUR happiness! That is the way it works, but we can't explain that to those who don't understand it or accept it - esp those with dementia. I used to hear it all the time from mom too, about my cats. Now she just makes some off-handed comments about 'her and her cats'!
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I suggest informing her of opportunities for socializing, rather than trying to convince her. Same with opportunities for activities like exercise class etc. Maybe as the mes kick in, she might show some interest or she just might not want to do these things, The truth is that some people won't be happy regardless. I'm hearing that you need time on your own. Take it. Your mother does not really need you for 24/7. I understand why you want to lie to her to get away, but consider this: She is going to be unhappy regardless of whether you are there are not. Go see a movie. Don't feel guilty. Enjoy it. Go to a water aerobics class. Enjoy it. Go to church.Join a group there. Volunteer somewhere. You are correct that you are not her partner in life. You don't need to be there to hear the litany of her misery all day long. Why do you feel guilty for taking care of your own needs?
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Wow! I think you're going to need some professional advice on this one. If nothing else you can get the help dealing with it personally. Is there another medication that you can put her on that will help? If she can be left alone volunteering or getting a job would get you away from her during the day. Can you get financial help it she goes to a personal care home?
You sound really stressed but maybe it's time to stand up to Mom, sell the condo, move her out, and rent a one bedroom apartment so she had no alternative but to live where she can get the professional care she sounds like she needs.
I'm so sorry your going through this. Make sure you take care of yourself mentally and physically. If you don't mom is left alone anyway.
I'll pray for you 🙏.
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I would say if she is ok being alone then it shouldn't be a problem. But she isn't ok she sounds miserable. Has she always been antisocial, or just in her old age? I don't know, maybe you could hire a companion for her. She most probably will resist it at first, but hopefully she will grow to accept it. Good luck
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Exhausted Piper...this is important...what is Rueben Chowder?

Now onto the other issue. I am wondering about my Aunt & Uncle, they are like glued at the hip, she won't go anywhere without him and the only contact they have is with family. They have been snowbirds in Florida for 5 years, rent one of my places, tons of activities in the park , they have not attended 1 thing, nada. They say that they are not joiners. I really wonder what is going to happen when one of them dies. They have no friends, their entire lives rotate around each other and their family.

My step father and his wife are the same way, no life outside of each other. They are in AL, he attends nothing, sometimes she goes and watches a movie...by herself! Big step!

I am beginning to wonder if it is a generational thing, the little women just follows the lead of her husband, has no ability to formulate a life of her own and when he dies she is lost.

I agree with the others, you are not her entertainment committee, let her sit, maybe she will then reach out. Good Luck!
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ExhaustedPiper Jan 2020
I don't know Dolly, it could be generational for some people, but I'm starting to think it's more of a personality type of thing. My mom was a widow at age 54. That blows my mind sometimes when I think about it because I'm now past the age she was when my dad died (I'm 57). So for 20+ years my mom has lived alone. She was/is attractive and could have dated and remarried but she never did. She told me once the guys interested in women her age were too old and she wasn't taking care of another sick person (my dad died of cancer at age 59), and the ones she would date wanted women in their 30's. So she socialized with her circle of friends and didn't put any effort into dating. She just never had good relationship skills. I know plenty of people who dated and married past the age of 50 and 60. My son's Nan got into a serious relationship in her mid 70's!

This isolation here still really threw me. I've talked to my siblings about it and came to realize she's always been a little anti-social. She kept her circle small and people like her BFF Shirley were the ones who were social butterflies. I told her when she first brought up moving that she couldn't expect me to be Shirley 2.0, and she said "I'll meet other people". Nope. The outings I set up with people in my building close to her age went nowhere.

Then there are people like my MIL. She and my FIL snowbird and have been doing it for 30+ years. My MIL goes to all the activities and the senior center. My FIL does guy activities too. They are in their 80's and snowbirding and doing all kinds of activities right now. So when one of them passes, the other will still have a support network. My MIL puts effort into maintaining her friendships.

It's possible that if two people are unhealthy co-dependent on each other there could be some hard issues when one passes. I hope that doesn't happen with your relatives but it might.

I feel like this experienced has given me a crash course in what old age is like, and healthy versus unhealthy coping. I like to think I will be more like my MIL. She's always been very proactive about her health and staying busy.

On to the important stuff. Reuben chowder tastes like a Reuben sandwich but served as a chowder in a bread bowl. It has corned beef, sauerkraut, a cream base with some diced potatoes and swiss cheese. You can vary to taste. Then you top the bread bowl with more swiss cheese and let it toast under the broiler for a bit. It has like 80 million calories but it is soooo delicious! Let me know if you want me to message you the base recipe.
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I have changed my approach with my Dad. I used to get excited but then had an epiphany. I spoke to him about the seriousness of his dementia and my doing my best to help. He has begun cooperating.
Try to change an expected behavior on your part. Also, taking her to the center and joining her would be a good thing to try. You could tell her it’s a one off and see how it goes.
i think fear of speaking and going out play a huge role.
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All this is good advice. You need to live your life and control her part in it. Even people who were very social seem to lose that ability/interest as dementia moves in. And they don’t seem able to just “go to the senior center”. If they could go every day, there are sociable people there but it would probably take a few visits. One thing might be special senior events like concerts or holiday lunches where everyone is there for an event. But people who were not social before certainly don’t start when they are old.
I started quilting about 4 years about. I love it. And it is a great social outlet but for you. Not for here. At least not with both of you in the same class. It will be awful. It is a pretty expensive hobby at least for start up costs but it is fun. I met with one group that does charity quilting for a women’s shelter and we sit and sew and chat away. Good luck with your mom and your sewing.
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This is interesting. I moved my mom to our city a few years ago. She's now 87. She lives in a very nice apartment with a health care facility right across the driveway. The senior center is downstairs. She refuses to attend any of the activities. A couple of times she did and enjoyed it.
I realize now, though they had a nice social life when Daddy was alive, he was the initiator.
She just watches t.v. all day.
When I visit (twice a week) I brace my self for health complaints and watching cowboy pictures and judge shows.
Last week she wanted to know about the SIX charges on her monthly bank statement.
I said, "do you mean the rent, cable, hair and three checks for Christmas gifts? " Lord, I almost lost it. I now understand she just wanted attention. Thank you.
I still work (self employed) but I'm thinking of taking a quilting class from the senior center to get her out of the apartment. My husband and I take her out about once a month. Her wheelchair is way to heavy for me to handle on my own.
One last vent. Mom constantly says she hasn't heard from... insert, my brother, sister, child,...
I pulled her phone book out and said, if you call them, it won't cost any extra on your phone bill.
She NEVER calls unless she needs, Coke, bread, a pie.
I had major surgery last year, she called the day I came home from the hospital, then two weeks later to ask if I would go to the grocery store for her. I explained I needed help going to the in-suite bathroom and she said, "Oh, I thought you were better now. "

I pray, Lord allow me to do what I can when I can. I, too, had to decide not to try to be her entertainment.
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BlackHole Jan 2020
If you are genuinely interested in quilting, take a quilting class somewhere else - without Mom. It’ll be a meaningful, rewarding way to do something for yourself. Something that is 100% separate from Mom’s black cloud.

If your intent is to con Mom into blowing the stink off by “joining you” at “your” quilting class in her building, brace yourself for 0% enjoyment and 100% bullsh*t. Resisting. Complaining. Excuses. Deliberately forgetting.

Option #3 - Just skip it.

Bottom line: Mom has no interest in a social life. It might be weird to you, but she is fine with it.

Hang in there! I know how frustrating this. (((big hugs)))
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My mother could be your mother's sister!
Same situation here...I am totally burnt out. Have been doing this for too long!
Ive found that at times you have to lie.
She is a controller & manipulator even in her dementia state...unbelievable.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Hugs!
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Thanks again ladies for sharing your experiences and the wise advice. I always read the answers I get here several times so I can try and integrate sane and logical truths into what I can only conclude is brainwashing from childhood. It's hard, but I'm determined not to let this kill me. You all are right, I am not responsible for her happiness. It's sick that I was raised to feel it was my responsibility.

Some of the things I've gotten from this thread: The use of the words "Her peers". The next time she complains about being bored and/or lonely I am going to suggest the senior center (again) but this time before she can say she doesn't want to be around old people, I'm going to say "So you can socialize with YOUR PEERS". In fact, that's also how I'm going to bring up a senior living community, by saying "You need to live among your peers". Oh yeah, the words PEERS is going into my mental tool box immediately.

As has been one of my problems all along I need to continue to work on being assertive, and not letting FOG keep me from setting boundaries. Yesterday afternoon I knew she would text wanting to get together. Sure enough she did. I started stressing because I was definitely not up for it yesterday and trying to think of an excuse and my husband said "You don't need an excuse! Just tell her we want to lay low and you will see her tomorrow, if you want to". So I texted her "We're going to lay low this evening but tomorrow I'm making Reuben chowder if you want to come over then". She ignored my text, LOL. So typical of her. I know she is sitting there looking at my text and was mad, because when she wants something, she wants it NOW. Oh well, we had a peaceful night.

BTW Gemma I'm the one who recently started Wellbutrin. It's only been five days so I'm going to give it a couple weeks. So far I just feel a little nausea. I also wondered yesterday if I was feeling the "anger" side effect I read about some having, and that worried me. If that happens it will be a deal breaker because Lord knows I can't afford that side effect, but today seems better. Crossing my fingers it helps soon with the depression.

Kimber, my dad was a buffer too, like Lea said her's was, only mine died about 20 years ago. My solution then was to live long distance (oh how I long for those days) but now I do what Lea does and have my husband with me unless he absolutely can't be there for some reason. You will find another buffer, and maybe your mom will feel different if/when dad passes first. I too feel ill when I think about the drama that will come with placement, but all we can do is one step at a time, right?

I had to laugh when CTT said she didn't want to be her mom's social support (I don't either) but the looking at the doctor part Lol. I have already decided that when the doctor talks shift to my mom not being safe to live alone, I will make it clear I am not available. Any doctor to suggest it, I will resist and ask them if they are ready to write that letter yet that she needs an ALF.

Thank you all again. I don't even want to think about where my mental state would be without this forum. Hugs to all of you.
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Loris15 Jan 2020
I’ve also have learned a lot from this forum. I’ve learned about narcissistic Moms and Codependent daughters (guilty!).
its a long road with a dementia/Alzheimer’s parent, as you become the Parent. You have to set strong boundaries. It’s difficult at first, start slow like you are now.
it gets easier to stand your ground as you go along.
assisted living is the way to go, no matter how much they complain.
they know how to better care for there condition.
whether or not she chooses to participate in activities is her choice.
you cannot be her “entertainment delivery service”.
fit your own needs in. It feels selfish at first, because you probably have never done anything for yourself.
you were taught to seek Moms approval at all times, whether she was worthy or not.
You can’t help anyone if you are too broken and sick from Someone sucking your energy out of you constantly.
i wonder if you would need the Wellbutrin if you didn’t have Mom pulling on you all the time?
take care of yourself, you are worth it!
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Sounds like my dad. He refuses to try anything new but complains hes bored and miserable. Why did she move there in the first place? Where did she move from? Could you possibly sell condo and put her in assisted living where she wants to go? The only other option seems to be unavailable and if she asks why youre giving her less time tell her the truth, if she throws a fit, go back to avoiding her. Eventually she may get the point that you wont stand for the negativity. Being family doesnt mean youre allowed to be a whipping boy.
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I agree with Barb. People with dementia are not capable of processing information and reasoning about what may or may not be in their best interest. Sometimes, it's just getting through the day without someone hurt or injured. Sadly, being happy might not be in the future. I was fortunate that medication for anxiety and depression did help my LO's mood a lot and brought her a lot of contentment, but, that's not always the case. She would wheel herself around the MC hallways, looking and searching....for what, she couldn't say. She didn't even know. I was just glad that she wasn't crying and worrying all the time. I lowered my expectations and was able to accept that she would not be able to act the same or enjoy things the way she used to. I was just glad that she was able to sit in a room with others and be cordial. Socializing may not be possible once they have progressed to a certain point.

People who have dementia often complain of things that they don't like, but, refuse to change it when given the opportunity. My LO would beg me to visit and be so happy when I arrived, but, soon starting insulting me and being very rude. It took me a while to understand that her brain was not working right. She couldn't socialize the way she used to anymore.

Do you have any friends who can help? It's very stressful being in that kind of situation. I hope you can get some respite time.
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It's a lot of pressure to be our parent's social life! Personally, I hate it and have backed waaaaay back. I have offered senior center to her. Nah. She needs to exercise so she brought up going to the Y. Nah. Invite someone to go to a movie. Over for dominoes. etc etc. All suggestions get ignored. Claims not to be bored or lonely but I don't believe it. But, my mom IS still capable of doing these things (in a limited fashion) and I've decided not to feel guilty about it (as much as possible anyhow). I go to the gym and am gone hours every day. Go visit my kids, friend, etc. My mom is choosing to stay home alone instead of seeking out her peers. Poor choice but there it is.

At least my mom still goes to see my sister who lives 2 hours away and gets some socialization in with some of her old friends. Although that is quite limited as well.

It's just sad and frustrating. I don't think it's healthy but what can we do about it??
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Not a bad idea about telling her you are busy. It doesn’t have to be a ‘fake’ job. It can be anything at all. Tell her that you you have decided to volunteer somewhere or take a class, at the library, anything to get away. Or don’t say anything other than that you are going out.

You know by now that her behavior will not change but you can change yours. Don’t waste any more time or energy on a futile attempt to make her conform. She is a nonconformist.

So sorry, piper. Hugs. 💗
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Zdarov Jan 2020
Good stuff - and not only say it, do it. Pick an activity, a class or somesuch and get booked up and get your mind in a new space.

Others are also talking about the social/emotional boundaries, you’ll need to set those! I started late :) but did a lot of work and practice on how often I answered the phone, offered/agreed to see her, etc. I personally worked on it with a counselor.

Then when she made a few big mistakes with the stove, microwave, thermostat - after I had already been doing her bills, taxes, etc. for a while - I essentially manipulated her into moving to a senior apt., she has since moved to AL/MC. You’re likely going to have to commandeer things more and more over time, it’s not a comfortable role but get your feet wet in small ways now. Good luck. 💐
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Piper,
I feel the struggle, anger and subtle guilt underlining your words, something familiar and a situation that, no doubt, started in childhood. I know for a fact my mother was the elephant in the room, a flaming narcissist, now 90 yrs old. Sounds like a similar set of behaviors and we are... trapped?

Wish I could say this is unusual, but it seems Generation X has been squeezed emotionally and financially by parents that never accepted reality. But never accept aging??? Oh yeah. Defy gravity?? Sure.

Similar to your situation, my words and boundaries I set for the sake of my family don't make a difference in the behavior she expects from my 90 yr old Dad or me. It's all about her,her,her and there will be NO DISCUSSION about AL or eventual NH.

My Dad has Chronic Lymphcytic Leukemia and is 6"0' and 128 lbs. He has no defense against her wants, she is relentless, he calls me to relay her desires so she can hear his gruff and angry tone he takes with me. Gaslighting later. Never happened. It's a familiar pattern.

I have 3 caretakers to help care for her needs currently to take the pressure off Dad, but there will not be enough pension $$ to keep her in their home after Dad passes. Thinking of the space between Dad passing and Mom's move to NH makes me feel ill.

But why??? Shouldn't I be looking forward to it???
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Ay yi yi, you poor soul. The space between dad's passing & mom's moving to a NH makes you feel ill b/c your buffer will be gone. There will only be mother left, in all of her unbridled anger & fury, for you to deal with, without dad to soften the blows. I know. My poor dad was tormented by my mother for their entire marriage. He died in 2015, leaving me alone with mother (she lives in Assisted Living, thank God). The first thing she did was to remove ALL of his things from the room, stuff them into a big garbage bag and place a few of HER things on top. She lied & said it was a bag of donations of 'her things' for Goodwill. I about had a stroke on the spot when I saw the real contents of the bag.
Anyway, mother is now 93 and still alive, living in Memory Care, still her usual miserable self. I NEVER go see her alone; I always take DH with me as a buffer.
Wishing you good luck & Godspeed as you muddle thru the next phase of this; I'm so sorry for your poor dad and his CLL situation, and having to deal with HER the whole time.
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Yes, you can make this better. Acknowledge you cannot make your mother happy. You may be able to provide _her_ opportunities to experience happiness, but if she is unwilling to embrace those opportunities then she will not be happy.

Some of your mother's dementia behaviors could be anxiety issues, is she taking anti-anxiety medication?

Next step is to just start being unavailable to hear her complaints. Use a fall detector so she can summons help if she truly needs it then set the do not disturb function on your phone to ignore her number for a period of time. You may put a camera in a hallway or living room so you can confirm Mom is doing okay. If there's a senior care or adult day care available, I would be completely unavailable during those hours. Don't make excuses, simply state you are an adult and you have a life to live that doesn't include your parent. If she's lonely during those hours, then she can attend senior/adult activities.

You have no obligation to be her entire social world just because she chooses not to socialize with others similar in age and health. With dementia, this is not going to get easier, so make your stand now. Schedule some time in the morning and again in the late afternoon or evening to check on and/or help mother as needed. Schedule a weekly night you go out for dinner and visit with her afterwards at her condo. Lunches out should be at the senior/adult care center with her new friends.
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BlackHole Jan 2020
yes !!
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