Mom's health and mental ability have declined dramatically over the past 6 months. She lives with us and I have been doing everything for her, and she has gotten to the point where she says things that make no sense, says she can't walk then gets out of bed every 30 minutes and falls and moans and cries very loudly because she cannot get herself either to the bathroom or into her bed (right next door to the bathroom).
Last weekend she fell 4 times, the 4th time hitting her head and bleeding so we called the paramedics (she is on blood thinners and there was a LOT of bleeding) who took her to the hospital.
We told the social worker there that we just cannot do this any more. We are totally burnt out, cannot go anywhere together (one of us has to be there so she doesn't burn down the house or fall), and I cannot lift her from the ground so I have to keep calling my husband at work to run home and help. Employers will only stand for that for so long. We need to save some kind of $ for retirement- we have nothing and are in our 60's. I need to be able to work. Mom needs more care than I can physically and mentally give.
She was released to a rehab place for 5 days from the hospital. She calls and tells my husband she hates him and says the NH is telling her she is doing great and should be able to go home soon. But she just can't do it here. We just can't. We have no help, and she is abusive and manipulative and cruel while being sweet and kind to everyone else. I literally start to tear up and panic thinking of her returning to my house, she is so very mean. Will mess up her meds on purpose to make it look like I am not sorting them right. Will stop injecting her insulin so she can cause yet another 'emergency.' She has loud shouting ranting meltdowns and has swung at me (when I refused to let her do laundry at 3:30 am- husband works at 5 and she is LOUD - suddenly ABLE to walk???) and tells my husband she would like to kill him. It is hell. I don't know what the neighbors think at this point. It is making it difficult to even live here and we are actually considering selling our house.
My question is this - do we HAVE to let her return to our home? If we refuse to let her return, will that force her to make other arrangements, or can she force her way back? The doctors are saying she is of sound mind. If only they knew!!!
Despite all of this, we would like to see her in a place where she will get the care and attention she needs. But she will not give a POA to us, siblings want nothing to do with her, and we feel just flat out helpless and abused by the whole situation. If you have ever dealt with a narcissist, you understand that this is something she will feel she needs to 'win' at all cost so she can come home and passively make us do this, do EVERYTHING for her. One of her favorite retaliations is to shove things down the toilet to make a huge mess for us to clean up or not take her meds. Whatever she can still find to do to have some sort of power.
We have a phone meeting with the NH this afternoon. What should we be doing? Thanks in advance, I have been reading a lot in this forum and it is so good to know we are not completely alone in this. It amazes me how some think that all older people are sweet and kind and appreciative etc... not all of us are living that. It feels like we don't have control of our own home or our own lives. There is no peace. I think over 20 years is enough. Am I wrong?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201811/7-ways-identify-passive-aggressive-narcissist
I don't know HOW you've handled the woman in your home for 20 years..........I'd have shot myself if I had to do it. My mother has been in Assisted Living (and now Memory Care) since 2014 and I'd have it NO other way. The two of us living together would never, ever work out. I think it's time for you to throw in the towel and start YOUR life now. You and your husband have suffered enough.
Best of luck!