What do you do when your elderly mother not just embellishes the truth but outright lies?

I agree with Eddie, most of these stories are harmless and quite funny, but some are threatening to ones character and careers, those, not so funny. I would think that if some stories Really bother you during the telling, that you could discreetly and simply shake your head no, and most people would understand and enjoy the tale. The human brain is mysterious indeed!

My moms confabulations range from silly and harmless to potentially dangerous. For a bit she was telling people I had taken her pain medication for my own use. For quite a while moms friends were believing what she said but just recently one of her friends vaguely said something that indicated she is starting to see the truth and accept the level of my moms mental decline. But on the harmless side - just yesterday when I was visiting mom I complimented the sweater mom had on - she told me she knitted it herself. Clearly this was a store bought sweater and the only thing my mom knitted in her life was an afghan that took about ten years - never did finish it. But I just smiled and said "wow, you really did a great job". (Sigh)

Ah, yes the old fish story! We have surely all heard those and been amused.
The trouble too is if MIL is told no that is not true, she gets really mad. She told a story at a family dinner years ago, that my husband was a great hockey player. When my husband said that he could hardly skate and this was not true she ended up doing several hang up calls to me later in that day. I think with dementia they forget the story soon after they tell it, but she did not. This was 25 years ago and I don't think someone can have dementia that long. At least with dementia we know that is the cause of the stories, but I don't know what is wrong with MIL.

Have you ever heard a fisherman describe the fish they caught {GRIN}

My MIL has been telling whoppers for 30 years and I wonder if dementia can come on for such a long period of time, or if she has had other pshychological issues for so long? The lies she tells are so incredibly wrong and sound like things some people say when they have dementia. With dementia they believe their stories but can a person tell whoppers for 30 years and have dementia for that long? Or is she just a compulsive liar perhaps because of very low self esteem issues?

Eddie - glad I could help!

Awww. reading this thread reminds me of my sweet Mama...and how as the years advanced she could come up with some doozies...And she truly thought she was telling the truth. We all knew what was going on, but she had som tales to tell....

Mama was always a huge contributor in her earlier years to the Republican party and George Bush was her man..She loved Reagan too, but she just really loved George, Sr. and also the "W"...She started telling us that George and Laura were moving in to the house at the end of the street and she was so excited....There was some new highway project in the works at the time and some issue with funding that had been in the papers and I'm sure she just got all the components nice and mixed up....but you could never convince her they weren't coming...we just went on with it as what hard could it do...

And there was always the infamous one about the time she was coming home from the grocery and a car almost t boned her and she went over on two wheels and to keep from turning over she put her elbow out the window and managed to keep the car upright....bless her heart...she told that one a lot...and she always got really animated when she told it...and to be honest we usually began to get tickled because she told it so often, but she seemed to enjoy telling it so again, we just let her .....Lord I miss that sweet little Mama of mine....

Rain / Jessie,

I haven't laughed this much in months. Thank you for sharing.

My mom too has dementia and has created a number of false stories that she believes. And there is no point arguing with her - she truly believes these stories that she has created in her head.

"Oh captain, my captain". I haven't quoted a movie in forever and this opportunity was too good to pass up. But pass up I will have to do on your offer, captain. My hall pass is only good for Sam.

Rainmom getting spanked my captain. Now thats something you wouldn't see every day. LOL...

Speaking of Sam Elliot and the like, my Mom used to love Tom Selleck and Robert Redford. But they are definitely fighting the aging process just like all of us.

Also speaking of actors aging. Ray Liotta was in the audience at an award show and looks like he got a hell of a bad face lift. His eyebrows are on his scalp now.

Captain, you are terrible! Lol!

My mom started this and it's goes with dementia. At times she is less dramatic, other times it stops you in your tracks. But, just go along with it, and explain to others on the side, not in front of her, what is going on. She also has episodes of delusion. She can function on her own at this point, drives herself, does not get lost and is not forgetful. We do have to keep an eye on her finances and make sure she is in control of that. Most importantly, I have stopped telling her it didn't happen, because in her mind it did happen and there is no talking her out of it. We just go with the flow to keep the peace. Keep her doctors updated on her behavior, very important. Any sign of worsening will be something to be addressed. Keep a diary of important observations of her behavior, also note medications she's on and observe if anything could be impacting her behavior.

Just let it go, dear. Your mother is probably beyond being embarrassed at telling a "whopper", because for her, in her universe, it's the honest truth. Just relax and listen to her. If it bothers you too much, you can try changing the subject. At least she is able to remember that Pearl Harbor was an important event; my mom can't remember what she had for lunch. Your mother can still have a conversation; someday she may not be able to speak. This is a very tough journey for you as a caregiver. Learn to choose your battles; if your mother's lies are not hurting anyone, there is no need to correct her. Ever. You will just get her frustrated and agitated, and that will not be healthy for either of you.

mmmm SPAAAP !! .
( shrugs shoulders like nelson on the simpsons )

rainmom ,
i dont need your bad checks but id sure make slappy noises with your behind if youd like .
just reading between the lines here ..
im just so accomodating that sometimes i think its a fault .

Sam is only 71, though he looks older. He is still looking good and doing commercials. Wouldn't mind seeing him in another made-for-TV western. He's pretty in a strange kind of way.

JessieBelle - I was just thinking about how this dementia journey has begun to shape my thinking on just about everything. The other night a movie with Sam Elliot was on. Now Sam is my guy - he could spank me and make me write bad checks! But I found myself thinking - "yeah, he's probably sitting around somewhere in a Depends these days". Today Fried Green Tomatoes was on - you know the scene where Evelyn asks Mrs. Threadgood to live with her - says it would be a gift? I'm thinking "yeah, until she accuses you of stealing her pain meds and smears poop everywhere". Will we ever think differently ever again?

beenthere60, it sounds like my mother. It could be mind bending. Most of the stories don't really matter, but it still feels strange to hear things you know aren't true. One of my mother's favorite tales is how she ran up and down the hospital halls, looking for a doctor when my father was dying. The truth is that she had taken a lot of Ativan -- understandable in the circumstance -- and was pretty out of it. There were no doctors around and we all just stood around the bed with him in that last hour. She talked of how he had looked at her and squeezed her hand. The truth was he never regained consciousness when he started dying. Her story, however, was harmless, so I have never corrected it. It did make me feel crazy when I hear it, though, like being in the twilight zone of existence.

There was so much like this for so long that I started feeling like my own reality was getting a bit twisted. But then, my reality was really not as fun as hers, so it might have been better to go with hers. In her reality now she just stopped going outside last week, even though it has been 3 years. It makes use realize that truth is whatever we believe it to be. It makes me start to doubt my own version.

My Aunt is 96 and living with me. At first I thought she was just confused but I realize now that she lives in her own world and what she says/does is what she believes and feels to be true. We've been having thefts in my neighborhood. The only reason she knows about it is because my purse was stolen out of my car. Anyway, she came to me one day and told me the television news was talking about my purse being stolen and they had caught the guy. One time she said the news story said sugar was found to cause cancer. So I try to be sure she doesn't see the news. She gets it all mixed up. She told me she was drafted into the Navy to build ships in Portland OR. I don't believe this is true but she does and has lots of stories about it. She talks about driving from Mobile to Atlanta to visit family and I know for a fact she never drove in Atlanta. She told me when she was young and lived in "the holler" someone heard her singing and asked her Dad if she could perform in his club. I'm pretty sure this isn't true. And it goes on and on. A friend of mine said it could be memories getting mixed up, hers with someone else's life, or a memory could have been
a childhood dream (like the singing). I have to try really hard not to correct her. You know the song "Let it Snow"?. I have to sing under my breath...."let it go, let it go, let it go". However, if she says something painful I do call her on that in an attempt to stop the delusion and change it to the actually correct information in the hopes she will hang on to the truthful one. Feel like I'm rambling so I'll stop. Hope this helps!

There is no way your mom is "aware" of her confabulations. This distorted thinking is perceived as real in the brains of the demented. Your mom is also not aware of her social incorrectness and the fact that she is making errors. That portion of her mind won't return. Therefore no sense to try to set her straight.
As I've mentioned before, my mother told everyone in the senior apartment building where she lived, (before she moved to a memory care facility) that I threw her on the floor and stole her pain medication. One of the residents called her doctor for more pain pills even though I was handling all of my mom's meds and am a nurse. She put my mom on the phone and mom told the nurse this confabulated story. As medical personnel, we are mandated by law to report this to Adult Protective Services. She did and an investigation was launched, all unknown by me!!!!! The minute the social worker got to my moms apartment she could tell she had dementia. No report was filed and the case was dismissed. Funny thing is, I was never contacted!!!! I found out about it by accident when she had a doctors' appointment. I immediately contacted APS to get the full story. My mother stuck to her story for a couple of months and then, just as mysteriously, forgot any detail of it. I was crushed and had a hard time "clearing my name" around her senior apartment building. This is an extreme example of confabulation and how devastating it can be.
I agree with previous posters, just ignore it if you can. There is no way you are going to reason with a demented person. Arguing usually agitates one or both of you and serves no purpose. I have since been told by mom that I'm a liar, a thief and that I've tried to molest her. How horribly hurtful but I try to remember it's the Alzheimer's talking. Sometimes I'll admit I loose it and holler back at her, in an attempt to regain my honor. I'm only human.
We'll all be glad when they find a cure for this wicked disease.

Screamples, I have been going through this exact situation. I can offer some anecdotal advice. A few weeks ago mom had an appointment with her neurologist. This is a new doctor for her, which might be relevant. She also recently changed internists and she doesn't quite remember any details about him yet. I mention this because it seems that whenever mom has a significant amount of missing information, she then "fills in" the gaps. in the way to her neurology appointment, she told me the Dr had called her and told her to fast so they can take blood work. This is obviously a rational thought but it was erroneous. Neither of her Drs had made this call, but it seemed logical so mom invented that memory. In the past I would never have advised what I'm about to tell you. I had learned the hard way never to argue with her delusions. Now however, her Dr. Has recommended a mood enhancer. She is on Citalopram, besides her Donepezil and Namenda, and it has made a significant change for the better. Now when we discuss what's real vs what isn't, she isn't as agitated and that gives me an opportunity to talk her down from getting excited. Before the Citalopram, she would make up stories and then get very upset about these new conclusions. If your mom isn't taking a mood enhancer, you might want to discuss this with her neurologist.

what do you do with an elderly couple, wife 92 man 82 when they wont take a bath or shower but "wash up" meaning a wash cloth and water in sink but both are in wheelchairs and cant stand on their own! Their daily hygiene is not done, anything below the belt hasnt been cleaned in years.. so their hygiene is horrific. Tells everyone she washes up and they think a bath or shower which is a lie!

When my father started making up fantastic stories, it was difficult at first. Please just realized that your mother's mind is now in a world of its own which is NOT based in reality. In my experience, there is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind. Disagreeing with or correcting her will only make her angry and escalate the situation, making the situation worse for both of you. If her behavior/lie is witnessed by others, just explain to them that she has dementia and doesn't know truth from fiction anymore.

Very interesting, UncleDave. I continue my education in dementia everyday here. I never knew the exact definition of "confabulation" - kinda assumed it was a fancy way of saying "lying". Makes sense though - when I explained to my mother how my hubby and I bought a house mom considered above our pay grade - mom seemed genuinely surprised and confused. Mom just sat there looking at me with a kind of blank look but you could almost see the wheels trying to turn and reconcile what I told her and what she thought to be true. I believed then and even more so now, that she really believed she had paid for my house.

Ah, Rainmom, just part of the progressive decline. My brother and I call what my mother serves up, Koolaid, and those who continue to believe her BS, the Koolaid Brigade. It took several years to learn not to correct unless there was harm or a personal need in what she told, as in when her preacher came to me and said some of the things she was saying could be "devastating" to the church. Or I heard her telling a friend on the phone about me, "Oh, she's on her third or fourth marriage, I can't remember," and my confronting her made her stop and then hang up. (I've been widowed, remarried then divorced, that's it). Or her telling her friends my brother was high on cocaine when he took a fall that nearly ended his life from a 12 foot ladder at work. NOT! He may have bad habits but cocaine has never been one of them!
Aha! Then we realized this behavior is not new. I noticed her customized memory when in my 20's. I'm 60 now. It's just easier not to believe your parent can be so flawed.
Her stories sometimes change according to whatever her failing memory has latched onto most recently. She rarely sees or talks to anyone outside myself, my brother, and her 2 sitters now, as her repetition and sometimes apparent falsehoods began to clue people in. And then she doesn't remember what she or anyone else has said unless she has etched it into her mind with her own spin.
My brother and I have learned to let it all go as much as possible, never to argue (unless it's necessary with her doctors, dangerous, or a point of principle that can't be resisted....and she won't remember the argument anyway), to not worry about the untruths so many others have been told about us and those we love(d), and to forgive the hurt she has caused through those fabrications.
Just another sadness coming from the horrible condition of dementia. May our love and/or loyalty for our carees override what looks to be personal jabs. Be it lying, manipulation, meanness, or disease, they are powerless to stop and we must rise above it to see them through to the end of their lives with as much as dignity as possible but without sacrificing our own health and sanity, a delicate balance at best!
Hugs and good wishes for patience to you, Rainmom, and all others traveling this awful road.

UncleDave: I too prefer to call it confabulating, rather than outright lying. (In fact I was just going to post a mention of it when you did.) It's the nature of the disease. I saw my cousin argue over and over again with her poor mother, in an attempt to make her realize the error of her ways -- no use. She just forgot and did whatever it was again -- either telling outright whoppers or going to the bank seven times a day b/c she couldn't remember she'd already been.

It's very upsetting all around. Good luck.

How in the world is the listener- be aware that the information is blatantly false?

Everyone and particularly medical personnel and caregivers must understand!
***Confabulating and Confabulations ***

In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.

Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.

Carers challenge: is what they say true? Confabulations become a far greater concern in the later stages, because confabulations are much more likely to be acted upon.

It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged.

Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.

Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous- when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer's.

My mother will pick on one little thing to complain about, like JessieBelle's does, which is SO irritating. I do twenty chores and she will say, 'well, I see that the bucket is still out there in the yard.' Yesterday I found out that she lied to my brother, when he was picking her up for an appointment, and told him that it had been cancelled. She also blamed me for the missed appointment because ' I was not here to make sure that she got to the appointment.'
I actually had a doctor appointment of my own, for a change.
I told my brother to not believe anything that she tells him about appointments from now on.
She has not gotten to the point of complete fabrication, but I know that it's coming, because she likes attention.
With my father, at a doctor's appointment, he is forgetful, so I just shake my head 'no' when he tells the doc something that is not right. He can't see me doing it!
My mother has always been completely unreasonable and you cannot explain anything to her without her getting mad, so I guess I will just let her go on, when her mind does get that bad. Easier than trying to point out the truth.