What do you do when your elderly mother not just embellishes the truth but outright lies?

My mother has always been an attention seeking drama queen. When mom first started making things up it mainly consisted of whitewashing her relationship with her sister and my father, also on how she took care of her mother in grandmas final years. At the time I had no clue about dementia or that my mother was exhibiting other signs as well. I didn't try to correct mom as I figured this is what she needed to do to feel okay with her past, that and there never has been any point in correcting my mother on anything. I was a bit baffled about it though as I could tell she sincerely believed the crap she was dishing out. Now, a few years later, she is still doing it - telling people things that just aren't true about me, my brother, her health and care - it's clearly an attention thing now. Some of her friends believe her at first but come to realize moms not in her right mind most of the time. I admit it hurts - some of the things she says about me and my siblings - my father. And it frustrates me with all I do for her and have given up in the past five years - that her friends believe that same crap, but everyday I'm learning to brush it off more and more. Still, I don't correct mom with the exception of one lie. Mom tries to say I was the one who took my dad from where he was living with mom - along with 18 hours a day hired caregivers - and put him in a hospice facility where he died a few days later, alone. I just can't take this one as I was moving heaven and earth to keep dad at home, where he wanted to pass with his loved ones. SHE had him transferred with the help of a hospice nurse, behind my back - on the one day in over two months I wasn't able to go sit with him. I will not take the rap for that - ever! I know it would be better if I could, but I will never forgive mom for this one - and she will know that if I have to correct her regarding the truth here, everyday for the rest of her life.

JessieBelle - I was just thinking about how this dementia journey has begun to shape my thinking on just about everything. The other night a movie with Sam Elliot was on. Now Sam is my guy - he could spank me and make me write bad checks! But I found myself thinking - "yeah, he's probably sitting around somewhere in a Depends these days". Today Fried Green Tomatoes was on - you know the scene where Evelyn asks Mrs. Threadgood to live with her - says it would be a gift? I'm thinking "yeah, until she accuses you of stealing her pain meds and smears poop everywhere". Will we ever think differently ever again?

She has dementia, she's not lying.. She believes it to be true..

Educate yourself about dementia.. Teepa Snow videos on youtube are wonderful.. You have a long road ahead of you so try to be prepared..

Good luck..

Sounds like mom. She had vascular dementia with some pretty outrageous delusions. At the ER she told me the doctor was running a daycare in the next room and he told her so. Or that her mother was smuggled into the US on a train from Canada. Just smile and agree. They totally believe what they are saying.

If mom has had dementia for a year it really is time for you to learn about this dreadful progressive disease.

Do not correct her.

Rainmom, when it gets ugly like that, you stand up for yourself. MIL said she took care of her mother every day. So I asked her how she did that when she was in Florida all Winter and Canada all Summer. Somehow she could not find the answer.

Thanks, Pamstegma. When my mother was calling me ever name in the book and telling me I had lost the right to call her "mother" for placing her in a NH, I tried to remind her that when she felt it was the thing to do for her own mother and much older sister, she put them in a nursing home against their will. Well, yeah - no response to that. Can't help but let it bug you, huh?

Awww. reading this thread reminds me of my sweet Mama...and how as the years advanced she could come up with some doozies...And she truly thought she was telling the truth. We all knew what was going on, but she had som tales to tell....

Mama was always a huge contributor in her earlier years to the Republican party and George Bush was her man..She loved Reagan too, but she just really loved George, Sr. and also the "W"...She started telling us that George and Laura were moving in to the house at the end of the street and she was so excited....There was some new highway project in the works at the time and some issue with funding that had been in the papers and I'm sure she just got all the components nice and mixed up....but you could never convince her they weren't coming...we just went on with it as what hard could it do...

And there was always the infamous one about the time she was coming home from the grocery and a car almost t boned her and she went over on two wheels and to keep from turning over she put her elbow out the window and managed to keep the car upright....bless her heart...she told that one a lot...and she always got really animated when she told it...and to be honest we usually began to get tickled because she told it so often, but she seemed to enjoy telling it so again, we just let her .....Lord I miss that sweet little Mama of mine....

When Alz was beginning its path with my husband, he was also making up stories. He did serve in the military, but not to the extent he was telling people. He never served out of the states but told anyone who would listen how "rough it was in Europe" etc etc. Also a story about how his family had been in the concrete business - not true - had nothing to do with concrete. Never owned their own business for that matter. So I think this story telling (and anger if you correct them) goes with dementia or Alz.

It's not so easy at times to let the lies roll off. I got in from the grocery store today. After I got everything put away, I heated some chili. When I finished, Mom shook her finger at it and said to wash it, not to just put it in the sink. Did she ever look smug. I told her I always washed my things. She said I always left things for her to clean and she was tired of me doing it.

Okay, what spaceship descended? I wouldn't leave dishes in the sink mainly because she would rinse them and call them washed. I wash them totally before she can do that. The main p*sser, though, was that I do 99.9% of the work at the house. Even if I did leave a bowl, so what?

So it made me mad to hear her say this, even if she thought it might be true. So should I call her on it or just absorb the anger that goes with this type behavior?