Follow
Share

My 89-year-old mom recently went for memory testing and did fair. Not great, but not horrible. The neurologist said that he couldn't determine if it were Dementia or not and referred her to a neuropsychologist for further testing. The problem is that she is refusing to have any more testing done and she's extremely upset with me. I moved my whole life down to Florida when my Dad passed in 2016 so I'd be around to help her. I never had a relationship with her and it's been tough trying to have one. I feel that I've done all that I can and I quit. My brother who lives in Mass. can't be here to help and agrees that I've done all I can. If she has any serious issues we'll deal with it when it happens. Her doctor couldn't talk her into further testing but did get her to agree to take a medication for memory, and she agreed. What's a caring daughter to do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
There are no medications for memory that are proven to work in any way, so hope this wasn't one of the expensive one.
I think that you might consider telling your mother you are moving back where you loved to be, since it is unproven that she in any way needs you now. And I think you should get on with your life.
It is very difficult to help take care of someone who is cooperative. For the UNcooperative it is impossible. Your Mom has had her life. I think it is time for you to have yours. Give your Mom the emergency numbers we all need to have handy and get on with your life.
You say that you never had a relationship with your Mom, yet you moved your entire life to be with her. That's something curious to me. There are many elders who do not have children. The same thing that happens to THEM will be what happens to your uncooperating Mom, frankly.
I wish you the best. Only you can make the choices for your own life. You can't make Mom's choices, but your shouldn't be enslaved by her poor decision making.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

There are no medications that are actually tested and found to conclusively help memory.

What do you hope additional testing will reveal. Will it change anything about mom's treatment?

Relax, you are doing what you can and there is nothing that testing will change. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a breath and just try to enjoy mom, but remember it is very important to take care of yourself.

And never do anything with the hope of mom being grateful. You will only be disappointed. Mom just seems she doesn't want to be fussed over.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So,,you walk away and let the state be ome her guardian.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To answer the last question:
Support. (But not be enslaved).

"The problem is that she is refusing to have any more testing done and she's extremely upset with me".

Let's break that into 2.
1. Testing. I suppose, what is the aim of more tests & answers? Will they really help her? Medical problems ruled out I presume, so this is more in-depth memory & thinking assessment?

So many replies on the forum advice getting a full neuro cog exam. It certainly CAN highlight skills that work well, or not so much...

This info can then be used (if necessary) to spring a POA - if one! Can indicate the likelihood of someone being safe to live alone or not.

Is that what you would like to know? Safe to live alone? I would..

2. She is mad with you. So what?

Can I ask WHY you moved down to help her?

She was recently widowed at that time. You may have had a perfectly natural wish to help.. But did she request you come? It may be good to really look at the bigger why you came?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
KattiP May 2022
You've given me many things to think about including the reason why I moved here to begin with. I guess I wanted to be needed. I thought that's what a good daughter would do. I wanted a closer relationship with her? She did not all me to move here but was thrilled when we did. (My husband and I)
The harder I try, the more she pushes away....I think my Dad was the glue that held us all together. Some deep thinking to be done. The testing, I thought, would put my mind at ease that she was fine to be living alone, or not. She doesn't want to leave her home, the one her and my Dad built together. I get that. She can well afford to have someone come in to help her when she's ready, if ever. Maybe I'm trying too hard. She refuses to have one of those buttons you wear in case you fall. I threw her an 85th birthday party and she tells me she wishes I hadn't done it. So ungrateful, yet I still keep trying to make her happy. I'm in a mess that I have created for myself.
(3)
Report
Testing for dementia is only useful at the beginning of the disease. A full developed dementia will be obvious to anyone. If she doesn't want to be tested is OK. Just wait, if she has dementia it will become so apparent that you will be able to diagnose it. On the practical side, the only advantage of diagnosing an early dementia, is to obtain Power of Attorney before it's too late. From the medical point of view, there is no advantage. Nothing will stop the progression of the disease.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Did mom have a MoCA or SLUMS test, and what was her score, do you know?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
KattiP May 2022
We never got that far. 😪
(1)
Report
Honestly, what's the point of having testing done? Nothing can be fixed when it comes to memory loss, and if that's her only symptom, then she doesn't likely have Parkinson's or Lewy Body or any of the other diseases for which memory loss is just one of many symptoms.

If she did OK on the test, then that's probably pretty good. Ask yourself what would you do if she had further tests done?

Sometimes it's best to just deal with what is rather than worry about what might be.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Why do this? IMO it serves no purpose, there is no cure, no meds that help after dementia has passed a certain point.

I wouldn't do a thing, let her be, there is no point to have more testing done.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
gladimhere May 2022
There is NO medication that is proven, conclusively at any stage, at any point, to slow or stop the progression.
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter