For about a month we have a new caregiver come in who checks all the boxes, she’s reliable, has her own car and drives mom safely to errands/appointments, she is not constantly on her phone, she tidies up/vacuums/dusts without any complaints, AND she encourages mom to do her physical therapy stretches, offers to do activities like coloring books or cards etc. She is really an ok lady and my mom doesn’t give a real reason for wanting to fire her, other than I don’t like her. I don’t know what to do, it is so hard to find someone who checks all these boxes, especially being reliable and not texting all day.
Today Mom was going to tell her not to come and I actually got very upset discussing why bc she doesn’t give an answer or an example and doesn’t even want to give this a lady a chance to improve etc.
After she asked I have looked for a new caregiver but the ones I’m finding do not have the availability etc. I really want to make it work with mom and this lady, please help!

I would do all I can to explain to the caregiver that you know and understand your mom is not in the real world on this (and she cannot give you a single reason, so seems Mom isn't). If your Mom is currently living with YOU then the answer is simple: Tell Mom "She works for ME, not you. She is helping ME and she is doing what I ask, and without her you will need to go to assisted living, so I would treat her like gold were I you." If Mom is living alone tell her that you will not be able to take up the gap in care left by this woman's leaving, and in fact will see less of your mother as a result. Ultimately there is not a lot you can do about this irrational behavior.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Indigo, it is like when our parents get to a certain age, in their vocabulary are certain sentences that come out automatically. Such as "I don't like her", "I don't need caregivers", "this food taste funny", "why are you mumbling?", "I can live on my own", etc.

Getting old isn't fun, as so much independence is lost. No wonder some of our elders are so grumpy. Talk with the current caregiver and ask what recommendations would she have regarding this situation. If she had experience with other elders, she can relate, and will know what to do.

Whatever you do, try to keep this caregiver on board.

Looking for a new caregiver isn't going to help. Your Mom will say the same thing about the new caregiver. And whatever you do, don't you become Mom's full-time caregiver, which is probably what she really wants. If Mom is worried about the cost, just use a "therapeutic fib" saying that social security pays for it.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to freqflyer

My MIL suffered several thefts at a string of IL, then AL facilities, then a NH. She could never explain what happened. After the first theft we installed a discreet motion activated nanny cam, which was a large print digital clock with a hidden recording device. The only tell tale sign was a small red dot, which could have appeared to be the a.m., p.m. designation. No one suspected a recording device as many elders need a large display clock. The clock itself was of normal alarm clock size. Thankfully my MIL was never abused, but we discovered how she was falling so often, how furniture and items were broken, and who paraded through her apartment. We also discovered taunting by a particular technician and disrepectful treatment after a bath (walking my MIL through the apartment to her bedroom to dry her off. Older people are so much colder than we are! Dry her off in the already warm bathroom!). Search on line for hidden recording devices. The clock we purchased was about $70.00; not much for peace of mind. You must consider your mother's complaints with the possibility she knows something, but cannot express it to you. Only you know if she will complain about any and everything. It does sound like your caregiver is too good to be true, but some jewels truly do care about others. Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Daisy9

You could tell Mum if she fires this one then she won't have one and simply refuse to look for anyone else if you think this person is trustworthy and doing a good job - Mum will come round if she has no option. Alternatively perhaps Mum has a reason for not liking this person which you don't see because things happen when you are not there?
With my own elderly mother she swings from hating people one day to thinking they are great the next - for instance someone who helps her is SO good one day, and always poking their nose in the next. I have learnt to ignore her views of people because they are actually usually views of how she feels on a particular day not anything logical. I think it important to check out if there is anything logical and after that if you are happy you have found someone good, simply tell them to turn up every day and ignore anything she says about firing them, and tell Mum its this care or a NH. Only you can do the detective work to find out if there is really a reason, or just Mum feeling a lack of control and disliking being told what to do re PT etc.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to TaylorUK

Indigo, of course it's only a guess but my guess is that your mother has nothing against this (excellent sounding) lady personally - what she minds is having someone present all the time. Have you had a chance to talk to the caregiver about how she thinks it's going? Maybe if she can keep a slightly lower profile while your mother adjusts to the new arrangement your mother won't find her presence so intrusive and they'll have time to develop a good, comfortable working relationship.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Countrymouse

When we had home care my mom at first would not like them and be really awful to them, and like your mom have no real reason except that she didn't like them. One lady stayed for an entire year with this sort of negativity going on. Eventually Mom gave in to the idea that someone had to be with her and the last caregiver we had was perfect in every way possible, just not available as often as we needed her. I'd say to try to ignore your mom's disapproval and continue on as long as this person can handle it. Make up a reason there can be no change for however many months you want to keep her, such as there is a contract.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to ArtistDaughter

My 94 yo mother does the same thing. It has become very embarrassing. Her reason "She is stealing from me" so I ask "What did she steal" the last one stole a nut cracker. Bizarre! I agree with AlvaDeer, that is what I would do.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to DollyMe
AnnReid Jul 10, 2019
Why would you feel embarrassed? It isn’t YOUR behavior in question, it’s MOM’s.
It’s hard enough caring for a elderly parent without worrying about how her behavior reflects on someone’s opinion of you.
The fact that you found one that doesn't play on the phone all day gives you the Blue Ribbon! Go over there and observe a couple of days. Better yet, get a friend to go and observe to see if there's something that really does need improvement - or - if it's just your mom being ornery.

If all the required tasks are being done and done well, then it might just be mom. If you start replacing caretakers when current one is doing a good job, it will become a regular hiring and firing process. It's possible your mom really doesn't want someone there with her and will just continue to throw up roadblocks.

I doubt you're going to find too many people who check all the boxes that the current one does. Don't get caught up in a revolving door.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to my2cents

I would install a security camera just to make sure your mother is treated well. There might be a reason why your mother does not like her. I would do this for peace of mind and go from there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to earlybird

I don't have the answer my mother has medium to severe dimentia and has run off 2 caregiving companies 1 really good Careforce the other mediocre Huskycare because of the black caregivers she was born in 1922 and you can not change what they learned as children no matter what society says today its domestic abuse to them to ask them to unlearn. But not socially acceptable to say that.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Justformenow
Judysai422 Jul 15, 2019
OMG I can so totally relate. When we hired a caregiver for my parents, my mom said she Hope's the agency won't sent a Black person. My husband told her she cannot say that!
My husband and I went outside to meet the agency rep and prospective caregiver...and sure enough...
We had a quick conversation with them about my mom's lack of filter and her inappropriate comments from time to time. They laughed and said they were used to that.
We proceeded with the interview and when they left, my mom said she liked that young lady.
See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter