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My mother does not have dementia . She is in assisted living because she has other health issues. She has lived with each of her children but it became apparent that she needed more care than any of us could give. She decided on her own that she needed to go. That being said, she is miserable. I have posted several times about various complaints and missteps, etc since she has been there. Last week she topped herself. She had received her monthly bill and there was an extra $20 charge which she thought was for kleenex. She was outraged. She called me and I told her to ask about it. Come to find out, she didn’t “ask” about it, she DEMANDED to know why she was being charged in a nasty note that included refusing to pay , etc. The Director emailed me and we spoke on the phone. Seems mom misread the bill. Simple mistake, however when we went to the Director’s office to show mom and discuss it she absolutely freaked out!
we both tried to tell her that it’s not what she said but how she said it; that you can “catch more flies with honey…”, etc. she reacted by telling me to shut up and when I’m her age I can say something. Then she said she was “miserable and she’s going to make sure everyone around her is miserable as well!” She knows exactly what she is doing! I was so shocked, she was behaving like a child. Like a two year old! I have not really spoken to her other than through texts since. It has been a few days. I apologized to the Director and I hope my mom does as well , but it’s doubtful. How do people deal with such rotten attitude ? The Director suggested counseling for mom, which I agree with, but I seriously doubt she will agree to it.
can they kick her out for being so mean and nasty? We wonder if that is her goal.

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Well sure, the ALF can ask your mom to leave if her ugly behavior becomes too much for them to tolerate. If I were you, I'd tell this to mom, too. If she gets asked to leave, then you will have nothing to do with finding her a new ALF to live in.......that SHE will then be responsible for finding a new ALF to live in where she thinks her ugly behavior will be tolerated b/c you are DONE dealing with childishness. Here's your chance ma, here and now: learn to act like an adult or blow it and you're on your OWN. Your choice.

Actions have consequences.

Women like this do not take well to suggestions for 'counseling' b/c they think it's OTHERS who need to change to accommodate THEIR needs, not the other way around. Your mother may learn in short order that the world doesn't work that way, that SHE is the one who will have to change HER behavior in order to adapt to her new environment. Stop stepping in to apologize and 'fix' things, too. Let mommy be a big girl now and handle her own life. In reality, the Director is familiar with this type of behavior and it's not the first time she's witnessed it! I'm sure she has her own ways of dealing with these elders, too!

Try not to stress out TOO much about all of this, and allow mom to handle her own issues at the ALF. $20 isn't going to break her, one way or another, either! Next time there's a discrepancy on her bill, let HER figure it out on her own. You acting as a middleman just stresses you out and doesn't wind up 'fixing' anything anyway. I used to step in and try to 'fix' things for my mother who was always creating drama, until I too figured out it wasn't accomplishing anything. So I told her to fix it HERSELF, and that's when things calmed down b/c she decided everything wasn't really the big 'crisis' she was telling ME it was originally! When SHE had to fix it herself, it suddenly became 'no big deal', you know?

Wishing you the best of luck....it's not easy having a difficult mother, that's for sure!
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You do not say how old Mom is? Has a lot to do with how we answer.

Did the bill say what the $20 was for, if not it should have. Does Mom pay her bills or does someone else. If someone else, the bill should be sent to them and not Mom.

May be time for an intervention. A family sit down with her and tell her that kind of display was over the wall. That if she is miserable that's her own fault. The reason she is in an AL is because she feels entitled to say and do what she wants. She has alienated her family with that attitude and now she could be kicked out of her AL for that attitude. She is one person and they will not allow her to make the other paying resident's lives miserable. Her room can be filled with another resident very easily. Tell her if she is asked to leave (and yes they can ask her to leave) the next place maybe a NH. Because, she has burnt her bridges with her own children. She can be a miserable B all she wants but she doesn't have the right to bring others into her misery. Tell her if she does not make the effort to change, she is going to be one lonely person. The nicer she is to the staff the more they likely hey will do for her. Then tell her to think about what you said and walk out. I don't really care how old you are, it does not give you the right to treat people this way. And I am not beyond giving a little threat to get my point across.
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Familyscapegoat, have your Mom tested for an Urinary Tract Infection, as that can cause all types of behaviorism, including what your Mom is doing.
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Thank you all for your comments. I did not think of a UTI, but unfortunately, her difficult attitude and behavior is not new, it’s just getting worse. I did tell her there in the Director’s office that her attitude was terrible and that we are going to her audiologist appointment, ( we were on our way there when we stopped at the office)and then we are coming back to the ALF, and then she is going to figure out how to live there! And I have not gone back since. I felt sorry for the Director and that she had to witness this, but I think she understands now that I am not trying to enable this behavior. My mom has been difficult from day one, but she has now shown her true colors, without a doubt. I hope she settles down now and stops terrorizing the staff. Btw, the $20 charge was for cable, which is a monthly charge. The kleenex charge was $4. She misread it, but when that was clarified for her she did not apologize, just said she doesn’t see well. Not an excuse for bad behavior. Not sure what will happen next. Not holding my breath for any recognition of wrongdoing on her part! She has never apologized for ANYTHING, ever (my whole life).
She is making herself miserable while everyone around her is trying to help. It’s just senseless.
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P.S., she is 86. Currently she pays her own bills, but I am on her account and POA in case there comes a time when she is unable to. As I said, she does not have dementia, but she is manipulative.
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She is a grown woman, in as sound a mind as she's ever had. She's not living in an insect ridden hovel all alone, she has all the amenities of assisted living. Stop trying to help. She's fine and all you are giving her is a target for her poisonous meanness. Leave her be until the AL calls you and tells you she's become incompetent and has to go to a NH.
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