My wife and most of her extended family recognize that her father, who's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, needs a much higher level of care than he's getting.
Her brother is the only one who disagrees because he wants the dad "to live his own life" and do whatever he wants even though he's gotten to the stage of wandering and getting lost in his neighborhood and is having toileting accidents. It took the brother forever to acknowledge that the dad shouldn't be driving. The dad does not acknowledge being ill at all, and doesn't even want the nonmedical caregivers he has in the house during daytime hours most days of the week.
My wife is the dad's health proxy, and her brother has power of attorney. Neither of them had a healthy relationship with the dad while growing up, and their relationship with each other is poor. The dad was widowed in 2019 and lives alone in his own home. None of us live in the same state as the dad.
Has anyone had success getting resistant patients and offspring to face reality? Or to help a loved one cope with the related anxiety and guilt?
Thanks for any insights!
* Often family cannot 'talk sense' into someone close to them (and there is already a strained relationship).
* Bro may or may not be interested / ready to educate himself.
Write down - show bro in black and white - what the dad is doing and the potential harm that could happen - or has happened. Seeing it in writing - and go over the list with him - with kindess so he is receptive to listening. Give him the list to take home and hopefully review in his own time.
* (Show support to bro) - Tell bro that the entire family 'feels' as he does (sad, grief stricken) and wants what is best for their father. (If bro has strong religious beliefs, perhaps someone in his church could speak to him - if they understand the situation.)
Do check out:
1) Teepa Snow's website / webinars and/or call her office to see how they might be able to support educating the brother.
2) Call / ask the Alz Assoc for support.
- See if they offer a support group / services for families (like a group therapy or counseling session to go over needed care).
I recommend you consider:
(1) hire an ind social worker to talk to the brother (or at least call him);
(2) Ask lawyer/firm who set up the legal documents if they have a social worker 'type/skilled" employee who could talk to him (if they get involved with these family dynamics-they may not);
(3) You/wife speak to MD and ask MD to 1) put in writing / a letter that father needs more / different care that he isn't getting and 2) MD speak to brother;
(4) Perhaps consider hiring another attorney to see what can be done to change the legal authority to make these decisions. The basis for this could possibly be "abuse or potential abuse of an elder" ... not doing what is necessary for the best welfare of the person w Alz;
(5) Ask ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES what they recommend (see #4)
As hard as it may be, do try to be compassionate - or show compassion towards the brother as any confrontation of his position will be met with resistance and more animosity towards the family. He isn't ready to accept the reality of the situation so communications needs to take this into consideration.
Still, I would pursue legal representation 'changes' as this appears to be needed for the best care / welfare of your wife's dad.
I wish you well. Let us know how it goes.
Gena / Touch Matters
Best action is no action, and let the cards fall where they may. Eventually he'll end up wherever he needs to be.
Your father is living in HIS reality with anosognosia, which is the inability to recognize his own deficits. Versus your brother who's in denial.
Most of all have you DOCUMENTED the incidents mentioned about wandering, getting lost, toileting accidents with date, time and place? With this done would your Dad and brother be willing to see someone at Aging and Disability resource person? I know they could give you some direction.
Most of all maintaining a calm, kind but firm position is important on your part.
Blessings as you navigate this difficult situation.
And make it stick. He will find out quickly that he IS an idiot.
Ho ho ho. Merry Xmas,Everyone
I called the County Area Agency of Aging . The social worker agreed with me that Mom was not safe home alone . Mom had also been refusing hired help in the home . This led to her being placed in assisted living , to the surprise of my siblings who at that point thought I would leave my job and family and move in with Mom .
The brother is not acting in dad's best interest and because of that he is not doing is duty as POA.
The other option would be to contact APS where he lives and report a Vulnerable Senior that is at risk. APS should follow up and force some plan that will keep dad safe.
Note: "None of us live in the same state as the dad". "Dad does not acknowledge being ill at all". Do they propose kidnapping?
Also, how are the dad’s needs being met? Groceries, meals, laundry, dishes, bathing? Who is paying the bills, changing lightbulbs, taking out the trash, and making sure the door isn’t left wide open for vagrants and wild animals and snow to come in? Does brother think the dad should be allowed to starve because he has no food, or live in filthy, dangerous conditions? What if the dad starts a fire or floods the house? Is that just “letting him live his own life”? What if he gives all his money away to a scammer? What if he takes things from neighbors’ garages? The list goes on.
My dad had dementia and couldn’t take care of himself and got into a lot of risky situations. But he never lived alone. It was awful with my mom there and me checking frequently. It would have been totally untenable if he had been living alone.
good luck!
It’s interesting that people regret that old age with dementia can drag on in misery to all involved, but they still opt for it. In earlier times (and perhaps in rural areas) death from wandering accidents was a common way to finish it, now it’s more or less unthinkable.
Most people wouldn't even want their dog to be at risk like that! Be aware that allowing him to "die his own life" could bring up charges of elder neglect. Not to mention dad ending up dead in a ditch for days before anyone finds him. This brother sounds like a nitwit. Maybe he's the one who should be locked up.
"What is anosognosia?
Anosognosia is a neurological condition in which a person is unaware of or unable to recognize their own impairment or illness. It is not psychological denial and not something the person is choosing. The brain literally cannot perceive the deficit.
Key features
The person genuinely believes nothing is wrong.
They may deny memory loss or cognitive decline.
Logical explanations or evidence usually don’t change their belief.
Commonly mistaken for stubbornness, denial, or lack of insight.
Common conditions associated with anosognosia:
Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias
Stroke, especially affecting the right hemisphere
Traumatic brain injury
Schizophrenia (very common)
Bipolar disorder during manic episodes
Parkinson’s disease (in some cases)
Examples:
A person with dementia insists their memory is “fine” despite clear deficits.
Why it happens:
Anosognosia results from damage or dysfunction in brain areas involved in self-awareness, particularly parts of the frontal and parietal lobes. Because the brain systems that detect errors are impaired, the person cannot update their self-image.
Important distinction:
Anosognosia = neurological unawareness (can’t know)
Denial = psychological defense (won’t accept)
This distinction is especially important in caregiving and medical decision-making, because arguing or trying to “convince” someone with anosognosia often increases conflict."
Source: ChatGPT5.1
"Neither of them had a healthy relationship with the dad while growing up, and their relationship with each other is poor."
A real option for your wife is to resign her proxy and walk away. She is under no obligation to manage his affairs. And, maybe this "object lesson" will show the PoA brother that he needs to step up his game. She can resign and if PoA brother is neglecting his duty she can report Dad to APS. Otherwise your wife will be tethered to 2 unsavory people and is in for a long slog through a very draining emotional swamp with absolutely no redeeming value of it all for her in the end.
Otherwise, this is probably a situation where it continues until it falls over. That might happen if D collapses while wandering, or if someone local calls APS to come and investigate. That might make resistant D and B ‘face reality’. D made B his POA, which you, your wife and the rest of the family have to accept. There is no ‘guilt’ on their part if this is the way it is turning out. As for ‘anxiety’, just accept that D has dementia, he “does not acknowledge being ill at all”, he’s doing what he wants to do, and that sooner or later he will die. That’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just a fact.