What to do about Mother? Try and talk to her or leave well enough alone?

Okay, Mid, I'm going to tackle this. There are several different levels that you are dealing with at once.

1. You and your mother have never had a close mom/daughter relationship. To some extent, your mother has always been in denial about abuse, molestation, and used suicide as a threat to keep you all under control. Have I got that right? Just NOT a typical childhood.

Let's keep that there.

2. Your mom is the one who is going to deduct a couple of thousand from your inheritance for something unknown, yes? Maybe your braces? Maybe for ratting out your brother who was abusing you? Who knows. But again, just not a typical "mom" thing to do.

3. Your mother leads a very restricted, captive life in a hoarded, filthy (from the bird guano) nearly uninhabitable apartment that is part of your brother's home. He has adult children who he's raised to be afraid of the outside world so neither they nor he venture out much. He is morbidly obese. He claims that mom is "fine" and that she needs no help.

4. When you told the family that your had a cancer diagnosis, this brother-dearest told your mother that you were lying about it to get attention (or was that your MIL?).

5. Your mother will not let you clean her apartment or throw any of her ancient Tupperware, plastic bags, old catalogs or urine-soaked clothes away.

Mid, if you read this about ANYONE else on this message board, would you say that the person in question (the mother) had dementia?

Would you trust ANYTHING that the clearly mentally ill brother said? (Like that mom is fine? He's an EMT; her vitals are fine; that's what he knows. As long as her heart is beating, she's fine).

Would you encourage the writer (yourself) to have any expectation of any sort of social behavior from the mother that fit with societal norms, like a card, a phone call or reaching out through family to find out how the writer was doing?

Mid, your mother has never been a "mom" to you. Even when she didn't have dementia.

Now her brain is even more broken than it was when you were younger. I think that you need to adjust your expectations of her behavior.

If YOU want to see her, go see her or meet her outside (which I seem to recall is the only way visiting is allowed). But don't berate her. I honestly don't think she can help how she is.

If it bothers you that as a Christian you shouldn't feel this way, or that you should be moving mountains to change your mother's reactions to you, please go visit your pastor and seek some counsel. I'm sure he'll have some words of wisdom and comfort for you.

Love you! (((((((((HUGS))))))))

My mother is 94, she has said some of the most awful things to me, said with malice, intent and forethought. I could write a book on her abuse. I went no contact 8 years ago, I will never allow her to abuse me again. I work behind the scenes helping my brother manage her, that is far as it will go. I would let her go, she will never change, she will continue to abuse you. My best!

Well, for all you know, YB told mother you died. He's not a normal human being, so don't put such a thing past him, right? If she thinks you've died, she wouldn't be calling or reaching out to you.

The question here is what do you WANT?? You want her to acknowledge you, to say something nice or decent or 'motherly' to you, like Thank God You're Alive My Daughter, or, I Love You, or something along those lines. Chances are, she isn't going to do that for a variety of reasons, one being dementia. You can't rely on your abnormal YB to tell you if mother is suffering from dementia or not..........since he himself probably IS!

So. You're playing Charlie Brown again expecting Lucy won't pull the football away this time, like she has a thousand times before. Ask yourself what's changed? Will mother be someone different 'this time' than she's been before? And, is it worth the risk to YOUR emotional well being if she's not? If she's the same old nasty woman, can YOU bear the rejection again? Where will it leave you if that happens?

You've just gone through a difficult treatment program that's likely left you emotionally AND physically (not to mention psychically) drained. Are you ready for ANOTHER blow now?

I think, personally, that you should wait until you're in a better/safer place in life before you tackle this beast again. Wait until you've been cancer free for a year. Or until you feel whole again; stronger mentally and physically to where you CAN bear the blow, should she deliver one.

I remember wanting to find my biological family for my entire life. But I had to wait until I was in a safe enough place in my life to actually DO it. And it's a good thing I waited, too, because the news I discovered was the worst possible news a person could ever receive. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I found them, as it turns out. So thank God I was healthy enough to weather that storm or I shudder to think how it COULD have turned out.

We humans are strong, but we're also very fragile. She's hurt you an awful lot over the course of your life. Are you ready for another blow? Be quite sure you are before you open this Pandora's Box again, my friend.

And all the best of luck to you

Midkid,

Well you have reach to the end of your road. Now, do you build a road to your mother or do you just build a new road?

Dementia or not, does it really matter? I mean...some people...MOTHERS...are just hurtful! I know you are probably thinking if your mother has dementia then you can explain the hurtful comment that she made, but you said yourself that she never calls you. You always are the one who makes contact with her. You know she has not had dementia for the last 40+ yrs. Now that I have said that-I am sure she might have some kind of mental/emotional issue. It is not normal to have a reaction to your daughter having cancer that way. "Daddy will be happy to see you," REALLY...THAT'S IT...NO SORRY...NO OH NO...MY POOR DAUGHTER!!! NOTHING!! You know that is not a normal reaction!

When you posted about having cancer I was like...NO...NOT MIDKID...SHE GIVES GREAT ADVICE...GOD HELP MIDKID...and I don't even know you personally. Now, your a mother and how would you feel if your child came to you with that kind of news...I bet you would drop to your knees!

I'll get to my point, your mother can't or won't give you what you need/want. She probably never did! This is the hard fact that we face when we learn that a parent didn't love us the way we needed/wanted. It hurts and it sucks to learn that our mothers are broken in a way that leaves us feeling wrong...hurt...empty...lost!

Ask yourself these questions:1) Does your mother add to your life or does she take from your life? 2) Has your mother ever gave you something that you just needed at a moment in time? (This can be something physical or just a kind word at a time of need or a hug) If so, what? When? 3) When you leave your mother's house or hang up the phone do you feel happy, peace or do you feel hurt or angry? It really doesn't matter what we say--what matters is how a person feels when he/she leaves us. Do you get what I am saying? Does your mother make you feel love and cared for and supported?

You are the only one that can make this decision because you are the one who has to live with it.

I will say and this is just what I believe-Midkid you were given a second chance, do not waste it on anybody who doesn't love and care about you. You deserve so much more!

I am sorry for being harsh. But I just feel that you should spend your time with people who love and support you!

It took me along time to come with terms that my own mother can't give me what I need and that she never really liked me. But my life will go on and I will be fine and so will you!

Your mother will not live forever and if you feel that you can not handle her being mean then you are not emotionally strong enough right now to call her or be around her. Perhaps give yourself some more time!


Again sorry for being harsh! I am pleased that you are cancer free!

Lots of hugs!!!

Again, wonderful answers.

I like the comment that our parents were of the 'hush-hush' generation and negative stuff was simply not spoken of. We had to put on a "happy family face" no matter what. And yet, in my heart, as a child, I KNEW things were NOT Ok, not by a long shot. My next door neighbor was a little 'odd' and the moms in the neighborhood were always warning us about him getting 'too close' to us girls. What a joke--he was the kindest, sweetest guy, just a little slow.

My OWN BROTHER? Molested all the younger kids he could get hold of, and mother KNEW about it and did NOTHING. This is still hard to swallow. (He passed away about 7 years ago, I don't remember).

Mother did call the other day and left a garbled message and she'd meant to call my sister, so I deleted the message and won't return it.

I'm doing a group gift for her and YB actually replied to my email--the first words I have heard from him in nearly a year. I just replied to him about how much he owed me and let him know he would have to find a place in mom's apartment for the gift. (A 'Skylight'--one of those picture frames that rotate pics and there's no 'actual pics' to worry about.)

Hard that he also ignored my sickness. But I told him I am going grey rock with mother and have no plans to see her over Christmas and I didn't much care what he thinks about that---he was 'normal' and actually said he was sorry I'd been sick. Meh. Pretty pathetic but I'll take it. I know a lot of people cannot take 'sick'.

I know that unless tings really change in the next 2 weeks, I will be spending the holidays fussing myself and resting and doing what I want.

To add to the drama, my MIL is doing very poorly, and we don't expect she'll last the year. DH is having a terrible time with this, as they have a horrible relationship and he cannot get to a place of peace about it. A couple months ago she told him he had ruined her life, she was planning to leave and divorce his father, but she 'fell pregnant' with him and was stuck. He'd ruined any chance she had at happiness. My poor DH, I actually heard this from my son in law!! DH didn't even tell me, he felt so awful.

It's funny that 2 'walking wounded' found each other in this crazy world. We were both abused as kids and have unloving mothers. It's made marriage very hard.

I've been thinking if mother ever dies, will I cry? Will I care? Something so basic as the mother/child relationship you KNOW the answer should be "I'll mourn, I'll be sad" and I don't think I will.

People--life is hard, isn't it??

But yesterday I got a lift--my son in law is interviewing at a lot of hospitals for his 'real job' and he was in town. He came by for an hour to see me and see how I am doing. What a treat! He could have hung out with all the other docs for that hour but he chose to come see his bald MIL. Gave me a billion great hugs and told me he loved me.

This really lifted my spirits and reminded me I need to focus on the positive.

My 4 sons in law are amazing and wonderful men. My daughters are VERY lucky women.

Midkid, regardless of what YB may say, you _know_ your mother's response was not "normal". I don't know if she has some life long emotional/mental issues or dementia or a combination but it's completely unnatural for any mother to not care about her child. In order for that to happen, there is something seriously wrong! I suspect a large portion of your pain is also related to YB's support of your mother too.

At one point in my life a close family member did something almost equally hurtful to me. I realized I didn't have the relationship I thought I had or even the one I deserved. I coped by mourning the "death" of the relationship I wanted and thought I had; it had once existed in my heart and mind but was now gone forever, so I mourned. I thought of that family member as "dead to me" with no chance of ever having any relationship again. And just like with an actual physical death, the initial pain was very bad but then I began to heal. Life went on and eventually it didn't hurt anymore. It wasn't like a actual death as I had experienced them to that time because there were no regrets this person was no longer in my life. A few years later, my family member re-approached me, asked for my forgiveness, and wanted to re-establish our relationship. I told her honestly that we could not re-establish our relationship because she had totally destroyed it. But I had forgiven her for being less than I thought she was and forgiven myself for misreading her character. So we could start a new relationship that might even be friendly someday but it would never be the same because I knew her better now. That was more than 20 years ago and she's still around at family gatherings but not someone who gets invited to my home. I think I did something very similar when my father's dementia destroyed my relationship with him too, although there was a lot of regret with my father and his physical death was still a blow.

I suggest you accept the loss and mourn the death of the relationship with your mother you deserve to have had. Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. Forgive your mother, not because she deserves it but because _you_ do not deserve to continue experiencing all the pain and anger of the unresolved issues. Forgive YB for being such an a$$ too.

Albert Einstein reputedly said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Do you really believe if you contact your mother you will get a different result? Please do not open yourself up to another emotional bludgeoning. Walk away _permanently_. Accept the relationship is as over today as it will be when she is physically dead.

MidKid,

My mom is 94. I feel the same way. I have only spoken very briefly to her twice since she moved out. Eh, not the warmest conversations. My brother and I were never close. I know he is convincing her to be distant but you know what? The truth is she always showed favoritism to my brothers over me.

The irony is that I am the one that always did the most for her, including letting her live with us for nearly 15 years until I hit my breaking point and told her to go live with my brother.

I refuse to speak to my brother because I can’t forget that he wanted to have me arrested for elder abuse because I set boundaries and mom no longer got her way on everything that she wanted. I tried over and over to have a harmonious relationship with my brothers. Then I finally gave up!

It’s so hard. I get all of your emotions. I struggle too. There are times I tell God that I am sorry for troubling him with my same old crap!

Sometimes I even tell God, okay, time out, not praying because I don’t want to be a broken record. I guess He understands.

I wish I had a good answer for you. If you come up with an answer please share it with me! I think we both want a mom that is capable of being the mom we always needed and wanted. Not perfect but caring and respectful, knowing that we are equally important to others. I don’t want to be more important than others. I just wanted to be treated the same.

Hey, do you want to hear something funny? People would say to me, “What a pretty little girl, the only girl in the family, you must be the little princess of the family?” Are you kidding me? I was anything but a princess to my mom. People would even ask if I was spoiled being the only girl? I didn’t answer them. I was bewildered by it all.

Do you know, as a kid I did everything under the sun to get noticed? I learned every word of every song that we sang in Mass. I studied hard in school to get good grades. I tried and tried. One day I remember asking my mom, do I have to misbehave like my brothers to get your attention? Isn’t that sad?

You know what her answer was, “I treated all my children the same.” Yeah, right! That’s why I always worked hard, never ever asked you and daddy for a penny but they always had a hand out for money and free food! Actually, I look back and see it was a blessing in disguise because I learned to be independent even through hard times.

Well, I hope we figure it out one day how to resolve our emotions about our moms. I wish you well. I truly do. Hugs!

Please take this in jest

Send her a Christmas Card sign it...still among the living, Midkid

What Mom said sounds like something someone with Dementia would say. Your brother may be in denial or he just doesn't see it. If she has Dementia, maybe she doesn't realize how much time has gone by. Do what you always do for holidays concerning Mom. See what she says when u walk in. She may have forgotten what she said. If so, let it go. If she asks where u have been say under chemo treatments for the Cancer I told you about. They made me real sick. You don't have to stay long.

So sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything you have gone thru. I hope you and your kids can make a nice Christmas together.

Several years ago, my sister was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It fell to me to tell Mom about it, and I was shocked at the way she DIDN'T react - she showed no emotion whatsoever, and just said something generic like, "Oh, dear." That was it.

Me? I've never been terribly close to my sister, but I cried for hours after she told me of the diagnosis. Fortunately, the surgery, chemo and radiation worked, and she's been cancer-free for two years.

The only explanation I could come up with for Mom's non-reaction is that some people in their great old age are so used to having nothing left but "waiting for God" themselves, they naturally expect everyone else to be the same way. Or they're so wrapped up in their own "elderliness" that hearing of even their child's illness has no effect.

You're hurting, yet you still want to contact her. That's okay, and it's only human. Go ahead and contact her, with a phone call or visit, but prepare yourself for a negative outcome just in case; in other words, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. At least you will have made the effort, and that should satisfy your conscience, if nothing else. And depending on the outcome, make any future plans accordingly.

I asked Moms neurologist if a person gets mean once they have Dementia. His answer was, if the were nice before, they will be nice after. If they were mean before, they will be mean after. If they were nice before but mean after, the have always been mean but were able to cover it up.