What can I do about an irrational senior mother?

brokeneck, you are not alone. I care for my mother, who is irrational. She used to be abusive, but that is getting better with age. Unfortunately, she is becoming more irrational with each passing month. She and truth are often strangers to each other. She bends the truth to fit her wants of the moment. At this stage I don't know if she knows she is lying or if she believes what she says. I also have a hard time dealing with it. It takes so much of my time dealing with craziness and too much of my emotional energy pulling out the emotional barbs she throws. People like this can make us feel like kicked dogs. The one thing I find that helps the most in handling her is venting. I know that I am unable to change her. If I were noble, I would just suffer through it all and keep quiet, but I don't find that being noble is particularly useful for anything except increasing blood pressure.

If you want to continue to help your mother, the only suggestion I have is to take away the power she has to hurt you and your wife. I doubt that she has the ability to really hurt you (say, physically or financially). If you can learn to not let any abusive words sink in and treat lies like irrelevant noise, it helps a lot. Someone else does not have power over our lives unless we give it to them.

If it is too bad, I agree with ferris about walking away. There are too many other options than to subject yourself to it. Something I found that has helped a lot to is to vent when things bother me. It helps to release some of that negative feeling inside.

Sometimes I wonder why we put ourselves through this. I haven't figured it out yet.

In our circumstance, I find the whole thing is exhausting in every way. I never thought I would come to the place where I had to mentally & physically put the person as far away from my thoughts as possible every single day. Sometimes more than once or twice a day. It makes you feel like a terrible person. We are in our 60's and she (mother) could have another 10 years of life. She is 91. Enough is enough.
Try to start taking your life back, one day or one moment at a time. Don't lose your mental health because of her poor mental health.

How difficult this must be for you and your wife. I would certainly go to her doctor appointments with her and request a caregiver consultation. You need to tell the doctor exactly what you observe without being critical...just like the old detective show, "Just the facts, ma'm." Sometimes hard to do when you feel unloved and abused! Try keeping a daily journal for a few weeks of real incidents that you can take to the doctor and use to discuss what is happening. It may be that she just needs a change of diet and some mild exercise, interaction with other seniors, etc. Check with your local area agency on aging. they should have some resources for you. Good luck and God bless.

first a hug you way. I know this is tough to deal with. I went through this for a couple of years with my mother, especially after my father passed away. I endured a lot of ugliness but I had promised my father I would care for her. After a couple of years, the negative comments (directed either to my husband or me - only people she has since my sister does not offer to help) became much less. She even thanks me once in a while now.

Walk away. Spare yourself the agony. She has a husband, let him deal with it. I know it sounds cold, but believe me no need to be a whipping post.

Ok, so her husband doesn't 'believe' in doctors, what does he say about his wife's behavior? And what good is taking her to a doctor if nothing is being done about her behavior? Also, I hope you are going with her to her doctor appointments. Someone who is a chronic liar needs a voice of truth with her.

I have a similar problem. My mother has been a spoiled, selfish, irrational thing for 55 years now, that I know of! Everyone I talk to says the same thing: Let it slide off your shoulders. That's as for the abuse. As to the lies, have confidence in your own voice and don't be afraid to use it. Without being rude in front of her ( or her husband ), try to take people aside whenever possible and explain that there is an element of dementia that makes her less than reliable. Find an opportunity to talk to the doctors and their staff, letting them know about the personality problems and trust issues. They are usually very understanding, and you can sometimes ask that they make a notation in the patient's charts to that effect. Best of luck to you, and remember, if someone has to be the voice of reason, and it looks like that job has fallen to you!

Sending you a hug also! I'm right there with you regarding "stories" or confabulations. Because folks tend to believe my loved one without knowing the facts, the neighbors and friends support them unconditionally and I'm the bad guy. My loved one then uses, "My friends say..." to beat me up. Of course, I'm not even sure if the friends actually say those things! There seems to be less and less solid ground in the relationship. I know all of this will change as the disease progresses. Doing the best we can is about all we can do at this point. Blessings.

You have two options as I see it. Her husband can be reported for senior abuse by you, unless the reason for him not seeking medical care is religious. If your mother-in-law/mother (you did not say which) continues to abuse you and your wife then walk away from the situation. You have every right to be happy in your marriage and if she is making you miserable, you are not required by law to try and help. Dementia plays a major role in behaviors that lash out at others, and then there may come a point at which she becomes docile. In any event, if you cannot take the stress, there is no reason to make yourselves ill. You still have a choice in your life. Use it well, and I will pray your decision is the best one for you and your wife.

I finnally had to walk away from my mother her meaness & pot stirring just became more than I could handle she has alianented everyone of the family members an burnt so many bridges that I don't think that some are forgiveable we've tried to get her help but she refuses. an I feel she has something wrong but my father puts up with her abuse even after she divorced him and he won't help us get her help so I decided I couldn't put up with the abuse anymore so I walked away an that was 2yrs ago its sad