What should I talk with my mother about?

My mother is not to the point of not being interested in anything. She just isn't interested in things other than what she participates in "right now". She lives in an assisted living environment where she has done very well for 3 years after about 1-1/2 years of feeling sorry for herself and wanting to be back in her house, even though her apartment is beautiful, clean etc. I live 1500 miles away from her so most of my communication is by phone. I just ask about how she's feeling and how she's doing, how the weather is there. She is not even aware that a few months ago she had major surgery - she always says there's nothing wrong with her and she is doing great. I try to make her laugh and sometimes talk about funny things that happened in our past. I see her as often as I can, but even then, when I (or my family) visits, she is ready for us to leave after about an hour. She doesn't say anything rude but I can read her well enough to know. And that's okay because she does enjoy company to a point. My mom is 88 and at this time, still recognizes her family; she has problems with memory and repeating things over and over. She cannot remember what happened 2 minutes ago but can tell great stories about her life as a kid! That is another thing I encourage her to talk about by asking about her life stories even though I've heard them many times. I hope this helps someone in the same situation.

I read your email and I think it was great. But I am wondering why she lives 1500 miles away. It should be where she can live closer to you but I know that things cannot be helped. They do have volunteers to go to people's home that are through the government agency. We have a place called Friends for Life, and it is made up of social workers and volunteers that come and help out seniors. It is kind of like a senior citizen center but it is more. They feed them, they play dominoes, they read books, they put puzzles together, they knit, or crochet and they have a wonderful time. Maybe your mother might like something like that, I don't know, but sometimes they do pick them up and bring them home. But you do have to take each day as it comes, and pray that nothing bad happens. My mother had dementia or alzheimers and she fell and broke her hip, she stayed in the bed for 10 years before she died. She had cataracts so she was blind when she died and she had bed sores, and they had to break her legs to get her into the coffin. But you can't change what you can't change, you pray that your mother is ok, and is in heaven and happy to be reunited with her husband.

I didn't want to go into much about my personal situation and why I live so far away from my mom, but I moved to Arkansas 25 years ago. My 2 siblings moved mom closer to my sister 3 years ago and it has been much easier for her (my sister) and hopefully better for my mom. She does have activities every day she can and does participate in and she is very well taken care of. She still has a very independent mind and does not want to live with any of her children. She wants to be on her own and hopefully will be able to stay where she is until the Lord calls her home. The older she gets, it becomes harder to not be there with her but I have responsibilities here and she would not want me to move back "home" anyway as she never wanted to me a "burden", as she put it. Ironically, she was in the same position with her own parents who lived 3000 miles away from her most of her adult life. Its rather comical that she doesn't remember when someone has visited with her or called her anyway and therefore, I am not sure my being there all the time would make much difference. I know I love her very much and see her as often as I can. I do appreciate and thank you for answering my message and am very sorry that your mom was bedridden for so long. It must have been very hard on you also to watch her become so incapacitated. For me, and I'm sure for most of us who have parents with dementia, its not only scary but I think it makes us realize how precious life is. My mom has told me many times (when she has gone through some depression) that she wishes she was with my dad (in heaven). I just tell her that its not her time yet and that it's in God's hands. That seems to satisfy her. I just try to draw on the strength that was instilled in me growing up and try to keep my sense of humor and help her to keep hers!

Thank you for the lovely email. You are a good daughter. If your mother only knew how well she raised you, she would be very happy. Even though you are 1500 miles away, You are still with your mother taking care of her. Some women especially get to a point to where they feel that they are a burden to their children so they say they want to be alone and that they will be fine. But they have to say that, but my mother was to the point that she would go anywhere with anyone it doesn't matter who it was. She would say she knew them and they ask her to go with them and she would even though she did not know them. But it scared me how she would trust them when she had dementia but when she didn't have dementia she would not trust them. So the alzheimers or dementia is a very complicated disease and it is different with every man or woman. We can't predict what they will do on a moment's notice. We have to take each day as it comes and just pray to get us through another day. That is really all we can hope for. Good Luck with your mother, but if you ever need anything just let me know or come back to this site and someone will help.

BlackHole: But remember ladies only got their hair washed and styled once a week at the salon! TRIPLE GAG! My aunt would ask my mother "was does Llamalover (she used my given name) have to wash her hair every day?" I wanted to say "because I don't want it to stink like yours," but I am never going to be as hurtful as she was to me! So I get it---stinky hair! Yuk!