Hello! This is my first post. My MIL recently relocated to a continuing care retirement community near our family. She is 86 and currently in an independent living apartment at the facility. When the topic of her moving to this place near us came up, we naively thought it wouldn’t be a big deal because she has access to so many services and social opportunities at this facility. We figured we would see her once or twice each week and include her in family parties. My husband is one of three siblings, but they live in different states and aren’t around. We have a large family of our own and grandchildren. One of our children is still in high school and lives at home. One is in college and the others are launched but live nearby. We are BUSY! But we love our lives that we have established and we love being active in our community.
I’m struggling personally because my MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”. Even though she has access to help with literally everything, she wants us (usually me) to come and get her and take her to all of her appointments. She wants us to sit in on all of her appointments. Many of which are far away and require all day commitments. She expects to be included in everything we do every single weekend. It’s challenging because her mobility isn’t that great. She is also narcissistic and just a very negative and gossipy person. She constantly inserts her opinion in the way we run our family and digs for information that she then tries to twist. I can handle her in small doses, but the key being small doses. She is always trying to impose her authority over mine with our children and she’s making our family time strained.
When she moved here she immediately latched onto me. She says things like, “I’m so glad you agreed to be my caregiver” but here’s the thing…that NEVER happened. Not once did we ever have a conversation before she moved here that I would be her caregiver. It never occurred to me that this would be her expectation because she’s at a facility that offers so much support. Support that for some reason she doesn’t want to use.
Anyway, I know most of you have it much worse than me, but I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate setting boundaries without her playing the victim card, which she absolutely loves to do. My husband struggles with confrontation, so I really can’t count on him to address things. His strategy is just to avoid. Also, in anticipation for her future needs, I think it’s important to come up with some strategies to manage her expectations.
Thank you in advance for your advice!
No is a complete sentance. Find resources for rides for her and don't divulge your family plans. Keep directing her to the events within her own IL. Don't give reasons why you can't accommodate her as this will only lead to her negotiating with you. If you/husband are willing, you can make a date with her once a month, but you are not obligated to be her entertainment committee.
Does she in fact have an assigned PoA? If so, is it your husband? Then she is his problem to deal with, no matter if he avoids conflict. He's gonna have to start learning. And, remember that his plans with her are not your plans with her. She doesn't get to manipulate both of your time, and his time with her should not be at a cost toi you or your family.
If she doesn't have a PoA, then your husband should encourage her to do this. In no way should he get enmeshed with someone expecting caregiving with no actual power. She is an "energy vampire" so you need clear and strong boundaries. She won't respect your boundaries so it is all about defending them. Once you do this confidently and consistently she will eventually give up.
There is no way out of this other than brutal honesty. Narcissists make their way through life trampling over those who are too timid to protect themselves.
I am sorry to say that this is the time for a tough sitdown talk, Have read to hand a list of those she can reach out to, such as Care.Com and etc. So speak with management at her IL place before having "the talk" and be certain you and hubby talk first about terms and limitations, and that he takes the lead in speaking to his mother.
NO is a complete sentence. Appropriate in many instances. And it stops further pressuring.
Tell MIL that you are NOT her caregiver. You are her DIL.
If she wishes to hire a caregiver that is up to her.
You or rather your husband should reinforce this as well.
There also needs to be a discussion as to weather or not your MIL should move to AL that will more fit her needs.
If MIL has the funds hiring a Care Manager might be the perfect thing for her as well as you. The Care Manager can go with her to appointments, sit in on the appointment and take notes, "decode" any medial language and make sure she knows what is going on as well as informing you/your husband as to what is going on.
Your husband needs to step up and do his part in much of this, it is his mother so he should be the Go-To person.
IF you want to do 2 days a month where you take her out make them days that is convenient for you. And make it for a duration that is good for you as well.
In order for her to begin to rely on the support that she has where she lives you need to make sure that you are not the support that she depends on so make yourself less available.
I always say that PCP/GPs know a little about everything and a lot about nothing. Specialists are needed at times. But once you have seen that specialist and you are stable, a PCP maybe able to maintain the problem. Or once stable you can cut down visits. I did it with my Mom. I don't think a PCP can handle Dementia so a Neurologist is the one Specialist we saw regularly.
If my MIL had said "You are going to be my caregiver" I would have said right then "I don't think so. Thats why your in a Senior community." I too think Mom may be better served in Assisted Living.
Set your boundaries now. Explain that you are busy. You still have a child at home and your involved in other things. I guess husbands still working. You are happy to help him with Mom but in the end, he is her son.
One of the things that we are encountering is that she calls constantly to see what we are doing and then invites herself. We feel like we have no family time on the weekends because she wants to be included in every activity, even things that are quite burdensome for us. We drop hints, avoid telling her things we are doing, but she just keeps prying until she finds out what we are doing and then asks to join. Just this week she expected for us to drive across town and pick her up to take her to the football game where our daughter cheers. There was a game on Monday and Friday and she expected to go to both games, driving her both ways…and helping her navigate the huge crowd at the games is very hard because her mobility is very unstable and slow. Then on Saturday we had our grandchildren and she wanted us to come get her so she could join us in what we were doing with the grandkids. We ended up just staying home because it’s too much to take her to the types of places the grands want to go. Our youngest grand is a young child and runs all over the place…so managing that while also being patient with my MIL’s slow pace is very hard. As a result, our grands had the most boring time with us that they have ever had. Then today we went shopping with our teen. She called in the middle of the shopping to see where we were and if she could get together with us. I know it’s a holiday weekend, and I know she is lonely, but we really need time as a family just us. I feel like we’ve already done stuff with her, and now we need our own family time.
I agree that we need to just tell her these things, and it ideally needs to be my husband, but I just don’t see that happening. I need to come up with the right verbiage to say that will get the point across without it blowing up.
Again, thank you everyone for all your support. I’m feeling so guilty about all of this, but also just knowing we have to figure something out now.
Well then? Nothing will change,
Your husband is willing to throw you under the bus and have you the mean one, or he’s fine with how things are now. He would rather have peace with Mommy than you.
MIL doesn’t need this talk so much as your husband does.
Decide what you are willing to do. Maybe two mornings a week (or whatever works for you) you are available for whatever she needs (doctor, haircut, etc), if she cannot schedule these events for the established times, YOU ARE NOT AVAILABLE.
You do not need to answer every phone call....or any of them. You take one call every other day and that is it. The whole point of setting her up in IL is that she has resources nearby if there is an emergency. If it is not an emergency, you don't need to answer her immediately. And if it was, the facility would have called you.
Stop telling her what you are doing and where you are going. She does not need to be involved in everything. Maybe take her to one event a month. Have her over for things she can do like a family dinner but no more sporting events. And tell her why--it is too hard on you and too dangerous for her.
And make it very clear to her you are not her caregiver. You are her daughter in law and only that.
And if she gets mad, so what. Either she gets over it or dies mad.
"MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”.
Can I be a word nitpick? See it that can help you?
1. 'MIL has decided.."
No. Correction: MIL has *assumed*.
MIL cannot ASIGN you as her caregiver. That is not her decision - it is yours.
MIL may *assume* (rightly or wrongly) or state it out loud enough times with agenda that it will become fact. (My MIL has this style too).
The solution to that is CLEAR communication. Correct her wrong assumptions. Every time. Get BOLD.
Eg MIL says "I am so glad you are my caregiver!".
You reply "Well MIL, I CARE. But I am not your *caregiver*. You are lucky to still be INDEPENDANT." (Add a grin 😁)
2. ".. since you don't work"
Well CONGRATS! On your new job! What, you say? Yes, your new 'job'. It's helping at a local school, it's taking up yoga 5 times a week, it's painting landscapes or being a youtuber! It's somewhere you have to be now, 5 days a week.
ONE day - or TWO half days, a week you will visit MIL. (Or whatever you feel is enough).
Sure MIL. When I come MONDAY we will do that. No, I can't Tu-We-Th-Fr-Sa-Su day. Every Dr, Dentist, whatever appointment gets booked in this one day.
Then, the hope is, without using you for ALL her social & emotional needs, MIL will connect better to the community she now lives in.
PS If not, if she's really cannot built a more independant life, your Husband can start looking for a nice AL instead.
I wouldn't visit too often at her independent living. She needs to make a life for herself and taking her out on weekends certainly doesn't encourage that.
Don't be so available, take one call a day from her then let them go to voice mail. If there's an emergency you will hear from the facility.
Keep it cordial but keep a healthy distance.
Also remember it is as good as it ever will be today, with the elderly it just gets worse. So make sure you have this conversation very soon.
It's none of anyone's business what you do with your time if you are not working. You are entitled to have a life.
I went and got a job , I couldn’t stay home anymore , Mom complained she was homesick . Then I was stupid and only worked part time so I could sit in on all appointments etc . As my parents declined , The mission creep grew to shopping , meal prep , pills etc , chemo , radiation , a stroke , dementia CHF , etc .
When your MIL needs more help , she goes to assisted living . Do not try to prop her up by doing things for her that enable her to stay in independent living.
Learn these words. I learned them too late.
” No , I can not do that “.
“ No , that will not be possible .”
” Gotta go now “. And hang up the phone .
If she gives you a tough time ,
tell her “ Ask your son “.
Your husband should grow a spine by the way , and be talking to her about the boundaries . At a minimum he should be with you and agree with you when you tell MIL what you will and will not do , and that she needs to use the help available at her facility . After all , she’s paying for it.
Also your life doesn’t need to be an open book . Do not share with MIL what you are doing every weekend . She does not have to know what you do or where you go .
If it gets real ugly , You tell MIL ,
I did not make you old and need to be in a facility , I can’t fix old “.
Setting strict boundaries after that conversation includes allowing her calls to go to voicemail. You are in control of your choices, time, and attention, stop allowing her to infringe on that. Please be strong and don’t allow guilt to interfere with your family life. Wishing you all the best!
Please DO NOT allow your MIL or relatives force you into becoming the designated caregiver because you seem to be the most convenient choice for everyone. Your life will become a woeful misery indeed if you allow this to happen.
Tell your husband (not ask, TELL) that there must be some boundaries established with his mother. You are his wife and you come FIRST. Not mother, not the kids, not the grandkids. YOU.
Let your MIL play the victim card. Let her play the martyr card too. None of this can affect you setting boundaries with her. I get it that your husband does not like to be confrontational. Who does? Make him stand up and be a man for you. Make him love and value you more. Then the power of his mother's guilt-tripping victim act will not be a problem for him. I did this with my husband and none can match the guilt-tripping of a Jewish mother.
You've got some things to think about. Then sit down with your man.
THIS!!
Truly, this for me was the easiest and simplest way to deal with the unrealistic and ridiculous expectations of an entitled senior who thought I owed her my very life. I already did a TON for her w/o doing even more.
Decide if you're "going back to work" too.
Good luck.
Assign a caregiver to her at the facility. Have the caregiver paid by her funds, not yours.
Limit your visits: (At least until she acclimates to the facility).
Reconsider the "twice a week", and family parties scheduling.
Get others (caregiver/transportation) to take her to all appointments, because for real this is the most available help for seniors.
In the future, the caregiver, (not you) can bring her to a few family parties, 4-5 times a year?
How about changing "twice a week" expectations to every other week?
I think that you are in control of your own boundaries.
The schedule you now have with MIL seems excessive to me since you really are very busy, and have a full family and want to be active in your community.
This change in plans is not a punishment or rejection of your MIL. Just better planning for her to use the services she is already paying dearly for, as Lealonnie has said.
Maybe you did not know what you were getting into, what MIL had planned for you, and that is okay. You can fix this now.
If the situation is more extreme than you now know, filter all calls to your husband, making sure he is not to commit your time for MIL.
Burnt Caregiver has this right: "Just because a woman doesn't work outside the home, this DOES NOT mean others get to decide what she does with her time."
It is good that you reached out early. There is still a lot to learn, so stay in touch.
please take the time to think out what boundaries you and your family need, set them up and keep living them. Your person will be fine where you have her. 😊
Best wishes.
There are plenty of entertainments and activities going on where the MIL lives. The MIL chooses not to involve herself in them because she thinks her DIL and family are supposed be in service to her 24/7 and also be her socialization and entertainment.
The entitlement of many of our elderly is breathtaking. The MIL only wants her son or DIL taking her to doctor's appointments. Or only wants them as her caregivers. Too damn bad. The woman is lucky she has access to services in the continuing care/retirement community. Many seniors don't have this.
Don't be surprised or shocked as a first timer by the responses you get, including mine. None of this is easy, but you asked so here goes.....
Truthfully? When I read between the lines, you don't want to be responsible for a nasty woman and.that's.okay (emphasis added). I really mean that, it's not a judgment; a lot of guilt comes with caregiving. Leave the guilt behind, it's not productive.
Don't be the pickle between mom and son. He's part of your problem. If your husband wants to detach and avoid, then follow suit. It's up to you to stick by your guns when your husband balks! Remember, it's his mother.
Set your boundaries now by letting MIL know that her son, her grandchildren and your community commitments IS your fulltime job and was before she moved closer, it keeps you busy on a daily basis and, more importantly, that's why the place she lives was chosen:
*so she could be closer to family while still living independently with help getting to appointments, etc.;
*because essentially they live with and see her every day they are the people who should be informed in her care;
*because there are social activities
*so she can make friends for when you can't be there;
*so that when you all do visit, you can be a loving family and enjoy your time.
Let her know you love her, and she's welcome at family parties - and other events to the extent that her SON can accommodate picking her up and returning her home because even though you love her you simply don't have the strength to do it.
Assuage her narcissist behavior by reminding her what a wonderful job she did with her family and that you're emulating her - doesn't matter if it's true or not - people like that just want everything to be about them. Everytime she tries to "dig" into your life make it about her. Rather than letting her manipulate you, you turn the tables by manipulating the situation.
None of this is easy. People do a lot of things out of guilt. Like you said, most of us have it worse and for a lot longer and you will, too. Unless you set YOUR boundaries now you will be the caregiver and it gets much worse than what you're dealing with now. I know, been there, still doing it....🤦🏻♀️🙏
This could WEAN her off of you a little bit.
Maybe you could also ask your kids to help out with THEIR grandma. It will help your children to not only care about themselves. Many hands make for light work. YOU ARE a GREAT daughter-in-law! Delegate the family to all pitch in. Hubby too! She will not live forever, and she is depressed about knowing her fun in life is coming to an end.
I would tell a little white lie occasionally, and tell her on some weekends that you are going out of town. All in all, she probably just wants to feel loved, connected, and still a valuable member of your family. Not just an old, used napkin being tossed into the trash. You will be her one day. Possibly in a facility, remembering the life you once had, hoping to finish life feeling important and loved.
Best of luck to you 🙏🍀❤️
If she is truly a narcissist as the OP said, then that is not her goal. MIL's goal is to be all powerful and the center of everyone's life. She will not appreciate anyone. They cannot feel connected. They want to be worshiped. Narcissists cannot be reasoned with and cannot deal with the fact they are not in charge of everyone. They enjoy making people miserable and uncomfortable. They feed off of people rather than loving them. This is not a lonely old lady that needs more love. This is a tyrant that needs to stop being catered to. Since the OP has been an unwilling servant it is doubtful she is a narcissist, so she won't have to worry about ending up like her MIL.
However , her MIL does not need to be included in everything . OP should be able to enjoy her time with her family as well.
I can tell you from experience that traveling with an elder with poor mobility turns the entire outing as a caregiver episode .
I would not expect my children to take me everywhere .
The way to get out of it, Don't be an easy target. You set the rules - your boundaries.
First, of course, you have to determine exactly what those boundaries are. If there are some things you are willing to do, say, taking her out for lunch once a month, or visiting one day a week, whatever you decide you want to do, Then, tell her, directly what you will do and what you won't do. Explain that you did not expect to make such a time commitment to the things she already has supports for in her housing community. Encourage her, maybe even help her learn how, to use those supports, and to make friends in her community and engage with others. Perhaps independent living is not the level she needs. If she needs a caregiver, then she needs to be in assisted living.
Tell her that you did not agree to become her caregiver and that you cannot be her caregiver. Tell her you already have a full plate with your family commitments.
Let her play the victim card. Don't give in. That's a manipulation tactic. Much like a child whining to get their way. If it works once, they will continue to use it.
It's unfortunate your husband is an avoider. Probably due to growing up with a narcissistic controller. It's his way of dealing with her difficulties.
You can help him to be strong and set his own boundaries.
And finally, have a little bit of empathy. Try to see her perspective. She is just looking for attention. And she deserves some attention. She just made a big move to a new place which is an adjustment for anyone. And she is looking for help making that adjustment. But, she is looking for you to do it for her. You just have to be very clear about what you will and won't do, then stick to it.
They always blame others and expect to be treated like a Queen or King.
I agree too with the compassion / empathy words. Seeing her as a frightened older woman losing her mind and independence, which doesn't mean being someone's scapegoat or, well, her everything.
One can have and exhibit empathy while setting clear boundaries.
One has to to maintain one's own sanity and their quality of health / well being / life. Gena
her drs to ones close by. She’s very demanding and high maintenance and I feel myself not wanting to be around her. I had a “talk” with myself where I thought “I do not have to be this woman’s friend” I’ll always be polite, kind and considerate towards her but I do not want to be around her any more than is necessary. There are 100 other people at her IL community that she can be friends with!
bottom line advice id give you is…because she’s narcissistic don’t make any big announcements to her about what’s going to change (she’ll jump right back if you converse about it) just quietly do it! Get her some help, arrange drs that suit you. Only go on days it suits you. Have her groceries delivered. Stay silent about your family time. If she asks just say you got busy. It’s a very difficult spot for you to be in. I wish you luck.
I'm guessing that your MIL is likely demanding in her assertions and hard to resist. Note: NOT impossible, just hard.
I think counseling could benefit both you and your husband, if you're willing to go. Of course, that is premised on finding a good therapist. But it could give both of you the tools and emotional mechanisms to deal with an intimidating, self-absorbed personality.
You can't change your MIL or your husband. You CAN change how you react to each of them. Try to give each some grace and compassion. They are human beings with their own faults and foibles.
Then set boundaries -- whatever works for you. YOU decide how and where you will spend your time (I liked BurntCaregiver's take on that!). You can be nice about it, but FIRM.
Dealing with an adult temper tantrum is not easy. Stick to your guns. Calmly assert yourself. If necessary, keep repeating the short take on your boundaries. If the tantrum is extreme, or lasts too long, calmly say, "I can see you are angry with the situation. You have a right to your feelings, but I don't deserve this behavior, and I don't have to stay and experience it. I'm going to leave now." And you say goodbye, and walk out. End of story. End of tantrum (at least for you). Totally empowering.
And that's what you do every single time she acts badly toward you without cause. You calmly, kindly tell her that her behavior is undeserved, unacceptable, and you are going to leave now. And leave.
Same thing during a phone conversation. If she behaves inappropriately, you tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, and you are going to hang up now. And do it.
She may never come around. If that is the case, you will have to accept that. But it is HER problem, not yours. You didn't make her the way she is, and if she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong (quite likely), there is nothing you can do about her. You can only control yourself and your own actions.
Take back power over your life and emotions by not giving in to her manipulation and unrealistic expectations.
She may be scared, lonely, angry at having to live there. She is entitled to those feelings. She is NOT entitled to subjugate you and conscript you into her army of one (caregiver).
Her wants are not your obligations.
I wish for you peace, confidence, and empowerment.
It sounds like you need to back off and let her get acclimated to her new surroundings. Let her go down to dinner and mingle with people her own age. There should be a transportation service to take residents to doctor appointments, hair appointments and such. Are there aides on staff to help her dress and bathe? It doesn't sound like she is at this point and basically still has a lot of independence. Tell her the truth that you never agreed to be her caregiver when she acts up. I've seen people end up on psyche wards due to lack of assertiveness. I knew a gifted artist this happened to. She took care of an old mother in law, had a drunk for a husband, ran a tourist home, was on multiple church committees, and her life and self-care fell in between these activities. One day she shut her car off forgetting to put on the break and the wheel ran over her foot. She figured since her shoe was on, her foot would be okay. Fast forward, she ended up in the emergency room and was immediately sent to a psyche ward after treatment.
I met this lady in a fabric store many years ago where I sold fabric. Fabric stores back then was where women would meet and share stories. I would be cutting fabric while they talked. Women would share stories of breakups, bad relationships and health issues. Now we have group boards and social media. I miss the old days. This was over forty years ago.
Get some assertiveness training.
One thing about high maintenance types, is that they will pick a person who will do there designated dirty work. Stop allowing this person from taking advantage of you.
Please take your life back.
Don't keep her informed about your family plans, either. Talk about the weather instead, or how tired you are! Ask her what the latest activities are happening at her complex, and has she gone to any of them? Encourage her to at least check them out.
When she calls with, "What are you doing?" Tell her, "Stuck in traffic on the way to the game!" Or, "I'm shopping for groceries" or "I'm headed to my doctor/dentist" or "I'm on my way to pick up my daughter" or similar boring answers, that don't allow her to say, "Come get me so I can go!" When she does catch you and asks, "Come get me so I can go!" Have a good reply ready...."I'm already 5 minutes away, no time to come get you for this one!" Or, "I can't do that. I'll end up being late!" Make everything sound boring and inconvenient for you to turn and come get her!
She's obviously needy and clingy for attention. When she wants to go on every family outing, tell her, "The kids have friends coming, so the car is full for this one."
Try to plan having her around only during holiday events, not every weekend. Work on some good answers to use, to discourage her pushy behavior. When she balks or gets insulted, start saying, "You are so lucky to be independent and live where you do!" Or try the route, "If you are that upset, maybe it's time to consider a higher level of care, like an AL. There will be more for you to do there."
Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you." Good luck!
I'd also fall back on the ol' "I've got diarrhea" ploy. Let her think it's chronic.