Hello! This is my first post. My MIL recently relocated to a continuing care retirement community near our family. She is 86 and currently in an independent living apartment at the facility. When the topic of her moving to this place near us came up, we naively thought it wouldn’t be a big deal because she has access to so many services and social opportunities at this facility. We figured we would see her once or twice each week and include her in family parties. My husband is one of three siblings, but they live in different states and aren’t around. We have a large family of our own and grandchildren. One of our children is still in high school and lives at home. One is in college and the others are launched but live nearby. We are BUSY! But we love our lives that we have established and we love being active in our community.
I’m struggling personally because my MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”. Even though she has access to help with literally everything, she wants us (usually me) to come and get her and take her to all of her appointments. She wants us to sit in on all of her appointments. Many of which are far away and require all day commitments. She expects to be included in everything we do every single weekend. It’s challenging because her mobility isn’t that great. She is also narcissistic and just a very negative and gossipy person. She constantly inserts her opinion in the way we run our family and digs for information that she then tries to twist. I can handle her in small doses, but the key being small doses. She is always trying to impose her authority over mine with our children and she’s making our family time strained.
When she moved here she immediately latched onto me. She says things like, “I’m so glad you agreed to be my caregiver” but here’s the thing…that NEVER happened. Not once did we ever have a conversation before she moved here that I would be her caregiver. It never occurred to me that this would be her expectation because she’s at a facility that offers so much support. Support that for some reason she doesn’t want to use.
Anyway, I know most of you have it much worse than me, but I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate setting boundaries without her playing the victim card, which she absolutely loves to do. My husband struggles with confrontation, so I really can’t count on him to address things. His strategy is just to avoid. Also, in anticipation for her future needs, I think it’s important to come up with some strategies to manage her expectations.
Thank you in advance for your advice!
I went and got a job , I couldn’t stay home anymore , Mom complained she was homesick . Then I was stupid and only worked part time so I could sit in on all appointments etc . As my parents declined , The mission creep grew to shopping , meal prep , pills etc , chemo , radiation , a stroke , dementia CHF , etc .
When your MIL needs more help , she goes to assisted living . Do not try to prop her up by doing things for her that enable her to stay in independent living.
Learn these words. I learned them too late.
” No , I can not do that “.
“ No , that will not be possible .”
” Gotta go now “. And hang up the phone .
If she gives you a tough time ,
tell her “ Ask your son “.
Your husband should grow a spine by the way , and be talking to her about the boundaries . At a minimum he should be with you and agree with you when you tell MIL what you will and will not do , and that she needs to use the help available at her facility . After all , she’s paying for it.
Also your life doesn’t need to be an open book . Do not share with MIL what you are doing every weekend . She does not have to know what you do or where you go .
If it gets real ugly , You tell MIL ,
I did not make you old and need to be in a facility , I can’t fix old “.
No is a complete sentance. Find resources for rides for her and don't divulge your family plans. Keep directing her to the events within her own IL. Don't give reasons why you can't accommodate her as this will only lead to her negotiating with you. If you/husband are willing, you can make a date with her once a month, but you are not obligated to be her entertainment committee.
Does she in fact have an assigned PoA? If so, is it your husband? Then she is his problem to deal with, no matter if he avoids conflict. He's gonna have to start learning. And, remember that his plans with her are not your plans with her. She doesn't get to manipulate both of your time, and his time with her should not be at a cost toi you or your family.
If she doesn't have a PoA, then your husband should encourage her to do this. In no way should he get enmeshed with someone expecting caregiving with no actual power. She is an "energy vampire" so you need clear and strong boundaries. She won't respect your boundaries so it is all about defending them. Once you do this confidently and consistently she will eventually give up.
I always say that PCP/GPs know a little about everything and a lot about nothing. Specialists are needed at times. But once you have seen that specialist and you are stable, a PCP maybe able to maintain the problem. Or once stable you can cut down visits. I did it with my Mom. I don't think a PCP can handle Dementia so a Neurologist is the one Specialist we saw regularly.
If my MIL had said "You are going to be my caregiver" I would have said right then "I don't think so. Thats why your in a Senior community." I too think Mom may be better served in Assisted Living.
Set your boundaries now. Explain that you are busy. You still have a child at home and your involved in other things. I guess husbands still working. You are happy to help him with Mom but in the end, he is her son.
Decide what you are willing to do. Maybe two mornings a week (or whatever works for you) you are available for whatever she needs (doctor, haircut, etc), if she cannot schedule these events for the established times, YOU ARE NOT AVAILABLE.
You do not need to answer every phone call....or any of them. You take one call every other day and that is it. The whole point of setting her up in IL is that she has resources nearby if there is an emergency. If it is not an emergency, you don't need to answer her immediately. And if it was, the facility would have called you.
Stop telling her what you are doing and where you are going. She does not need to be involved in everything. Maybe take her to one event a month. Have her over for things she can do like a family dinner but no more sporting events. And tell her why--it is too hard on you and too dangerous for her.
And make it very clear to her you are not her caregiver. You are her daughter in law and only that.
And if she gets mad, so what. Either she gets over it or dies mad.
I wouldn't visit too often at her independent living. She needs to make a life for herself and taking her out on weekends certainly doesn't encourage that.
Don't be so available, take one call a day from her then let them go to voice mail. If there's an emergency you will hear from the facility.
Keep it cordial but keep a healthy distance.
Also remember it is as good as it ever will be today, with the elderly it just gets worse. So make sure you have this conversation very soon.
It's none of anyone's business what you do with your time if you are not working. You are entitled to have a life.
Please DO NOT allow your MIL or relatives force you into becoming the designated caregiver because you seem to be the most convenient choice for everyone. Your life will become a woeful misery indeed if you allow this to happen.
Tell your husband (not ask, TELL) that there must be some boundaries established with his mother. You are his wife and you come FIRST. Not mother, not the kids, not the grandkids. YOU.
Let your MIL play the victim card. Let her play the martyr card too. None of this can affect you setting boundaries with her. I get it that your husband does not like to be confrontational. Who does? Make him stand up and be a man for you. Make him love and value you more. Then the power of his mother's guilt-tripping victim act will not be a problem for him. I did this with my husband and none can match the guilt-tripping of a Jewish mother.
You've got some things to think about. Then sit down with your man.
THIS!!
There is no way out of this other than brutal honesty. Narcissists make their way through life trampling over those who are too timid to protect themselves.
I am sorry to say that this is the time for a tough sitdown talk, Have read to hand a list of those she can reach out to, such as Care.Com and etc. So speak with management at her IL place before having "the talk" and be certain you and hubby talk first about terms and limitations, and that he takes the lead in speaking to his mother.
NO is a complete sentence. Appropriate in many instances. And it stops further pressuring.
Tell MIL that you are NOT her caregiver. You are her DIL.
If she wishes to hire a caregiver that is up to her.
You or rather your husband should reinforce this as well.
There also needs to be a discussion as to weather or not your MIL should move to AL that will more fit her needs.
If MIL has the funds hiring a Care Manager might be the perfect thing for her as well as you. The Care Manager can go with her to appointments, sit in on the appointment and take notes, "decode" any medial language and make sure she knows what is going on as well as informing you/your husband as to what is going on.
Your husband needs to step up and do his part in much of this, it is his mother so he should be the Go-To person.
IF you want to do 2 days a month where you take her out make them days that is convenient for you. And make it for a duration that is good for you as well.
In order for her to begin to rely on the support that she has where she lives you need to make sure that you are not the support that she depends on so make yourself less available.
Well then? Nothing will change,
Your husband is willing to throw you under the bus and have you the mean one, or he’s fine with how things are now. He would rather have peace with Mommy than you.
MIL doesn’t need this talk so much as your husband does.
"MIL has decided that since I don’t work, that I am her “caregiver”.
Can I be a word nitpick? See it that can help you?
1. 'MIL has decided.."
No. Correction: MIL has *assumed*.
MIL cannot ASIGN you as her caregiver. That is not her decision - it is yours.
MIL may *assume* (rightly or wrongly) or state it out loud enough times with agenda that it will become fact. (My MIL has this style too).
The solution to that is CLEAR communication. Correct her wrong assumptions. Every time. Get BOLD.
Eg MIL says "I am so glad you are my caregiver!".
You reply "Well MIL, I CARE. But I am not your *caregiver*. You are lucky to still be INDEPENDANT." (Add a grin 😁)
2. ".. since you don't work"
Well CONGRATS! On your new job! What, you say? Yes, your new 'job'. It's helping at a local school, it's taking up yoga 5 times a week, it's painting landscapes or being a youtuber! It's somewhere you have to be now, 5 days a week.
ONE day - or TWO half days, a week you will visit MIL. (Or whatever you feel is enough).
Sure MIL. When I come MONDAY we will do that. No, I can't Tu-We-Th-Fr-Sa-Su day. Every Dr, Dentist, whatever appointment gets booked in this one day.
Then, the hope is, without using you for ALL her social & emotional needs, MIL will connect better to the community she now lives in.
PS If not, if she's really cannot built a more independant life, your Husband can start looking for a nice AL instead.
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