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Okay friends...so the plate is full here with active dad at 102 and deaf which is a challenge in itself; and then mom who is 97 with dementia, but thank goodness moderately functional with supervision. So I overhear dad last night telling mom he isn't going to kiss her goodnight because he "might" be getting a cold. (Translation: we have a biohazard alert in progress for the next 10 days and his germs will be on every handle, door knob and in the air so the pup and I will self-isolate or do a disinfection of the surfaces before spending time in any room. Also putting mom at risk because he's not kissing her but sleeping in the same bed in the same room and using the same bathroom). And then he goes out today (to spread his germs further) and stops down the block at the sister and bros in law of our neighbors (neighbor was in highschool with me and went on to become a dentist to my folks as well; this is his wife's sister and hubby). He came home and was ever so anxious on seeing me, to pass me a note that this woman had jotted down the name of an ENT doctor because he has an on-going complaint of feeling "off balance". Also the number of a balance clinic of some sort.
Call me cynical. He has seen the one of the best ENT's this town has to offer and he was told then, and BEFORE, that his hearing loss is profound and there is no hearing aid that will help him. He is stubborn as the day is long and although this ENT said (to me) why is he using the hearing aid? (which is useless) he asked him and he (dad) believes it helps. So ENT shrugs his shoulders with a "whatever."
As for the balance, it could be related to the hearing loss. The primary guy suggested PT. He went and saw no benefit and ended it after 2-3 months which only benefited the pocket of the PT firm. I would expect similar games with the balance place.
A cochlear implant ad in the Veteran's magazine is ripped out for ME to check on. It is of other's opinions that 1. there is surgical risk, 2. he has been without hearing for so long his brain would not adjust and 3. it takes much getting used to and adjusting. AND if he doesn't like it, it's not like you just put it in a drawer or return it like a hearing aid. Not to mention as far as I know it is not covered by Medicare and would suck up god only knows how much $$$ which easily could be needed for care for my mother if she can't be left alone at home and I try to work so my own future is protected financially. (That's a whole other story).
Right now I am just infuriated with this well-meaning twit down the block. I really want to say YOU make the phone calls, YOU take him to the appointments, YOU come clean the house and make dinner and do the laundry and change the bedding and scrub the spots out. Basically just MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! And what would you all do? BTW, It's funny how when Dad wants something bad enough, he manages to use his little CapTel phone to get it. I took the note away...and may respond by telling him I am trying to get an appt with another MD to be a primary care person. One day I found a note he had written "CBD" on it. Yeah, I know what it is. THAT he didn't ask me about.

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Here's what I suggest: 1) Come here to vent.
2) Don't respond to your dad or the meddlers.
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
seeing this a wee bit too late. Que sera sera. As for dad, impossible to NOT respond, he will be asking. I will divert by saying I am in the process (true) of getting us hooked into another primary care doc that he can share his tale with.
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As to the "well-meaning" meddler, at least you KNOW he is well-meaning, and you know he hasn't got a CLUE. So you are ahead of the game. It never fails that the well meaning advice hits the exact time when it is the straw and the camel's back thing.
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
Don't YOU know it!!! BTW, it's a woman and she and her hubby are truly really nice people...but EVERYone who knows my dad sees him as cute, nice, amazing, good neighbor etc etc. They don't see the stubborn, demanding and 100+ year old mentality. I've said it before...mom (with dementia) was his patronizing wife...and I have slipped into the role of wife-y.
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GD, big ((((hugs))))).

You so clearly care so deeply about your parents. You are doing the absolute BEST for them.

Why do you care about what people who don't matter think?

It's a real question. Those folks? They are dust.
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
Thank you...hard to change that mindset of not caring...but I did call and leave the person a message today (got answering machine) basically saying I'm sure she was well-meaning but things were under control etc and Dad had an ENT and please keep your resources to yourself etc. The machine cut me off abruptly and I called back to restate that I meant no offense, but that I really had enough to do etc. Her husband answered and when I attempted to explain and just said "ok".
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When I was pregnant with my first child and constantly regaled with well-meaning but inappropriate and unsolicited advice, I would just smile and say, "Thank you, I'll see what my OB has to say about it..." and then forgot the advice. People mean well but don't have insight into the totality of your situation.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 8, 2019
Then after the baby is born they keep giving advice!
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That was great info that Margaret M provided (few posts down), about cochlear implants. Explained why old people aren't the best candidates to get one. (At his age the vibrations may not actually help him, & cud drive the poor guy crazy). Made sense to me anyway. Thanks MM.
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
The bad thing about the implant is 1. It is a surgical procedure with risks, and 2. it is equally complicated to undo if he didn't like it and did drive him crazy. BTW, we have an outstanding couple people at our local Costco who referred us to one of the best ENT's in town that we saw. Costco sells the hearing aids that are most helpful for the masses..and he explained there was a kind that worked by dealing with the bone somehow...but the ENT said it would not work for him.
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I have 50% hearing loss. My ENT told me cochlear implants will not work because mine is associated with permanent loss of those hair like fibers which would still be intact in younger folks.
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I don't have any advice for you about meddling neighbors who have suggestions for surgical procedures on 100+ year olds, except to say OH HOW FREAKING STUPID. I just wanted to say how in awe I am of your commitment to caring for TWO parents THIS old. You are one amazing human being, and a far better woman than I. I believe I would have shot myself by now, had I been in your shoes. My mother is 92.5 years old, doesn't even live with me, and tries my patience daily. I cannot imagine doing this for another 10 years, not for one second.
Kudos to you, dear woman
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gdaughter Oct 8, 2019
Aw, gee thanks, but I am hardly the only one doing this and what you don't see/hear is the cursing and nasty nasty comments under my breath that I try to contain because my angry tone is picked up on by my pup who thinks I am angry with her...and to be fair, the referral to the ENT MIGHT have been in re to the balance issues; the implant was his own idea he has harbored for years and came up AGAIN, thanks to an ad in the VFW magazine that looked like text and said in the tiny print that it was an "advertisement". Such slime. I am not amazing. It's payback for all they have done for me, but I was not as big or demanding a pain as they can be. They also had me when they were older so at 63 I still have some juice left, but I tell you...more lately I sit down at 8 PM and drift off having missed what I intended to watch. My job is working with older adults as well...been there 28 years and the joy is gone, but I do help and have even more compassion for the family members dealing with this stuff of course. Thanks for the compassion:-) We all do what we gotta do. HOwever, I must admit that the mom's worn/frayed housedress is lying on the laundry room floor right now, stained with her poo and possibly pee and I am debating about scrubbing it or ditching it:-)
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I agree with many above. The adventures in care giving is difficult enough with out the frustrations of dealing with the meddlers. Initially, we tried to be nice and polite with their "advice", but it reached a point when the intrusions became positively ridiculous, and after four years of playing nice, I finally let them know just how unwelcome their remarks had become.

We nicknamed our set the "Gladys Kravitz 1, and 2 and 3. They would take turns showing up and create trouble and turmoil. I ultimately renamed their cell ID's as well, so I'd know which was calling from their various numbers, and ignore the call, and quit answering the door if they showed up. There calls and texts were especially unwelcome when I was at work.

I detest their meddling, advice, opinions, gossiping, and overall intrusion in personal business in every way. Clueless, definitely! I often have the dream of "pushing" each down a row of bleachers like a slinky. We even named our grandson's slinky, "Gladys". It took some planning, but we ultimately elected to put measures in place to create as much distance as possible. Do what you have to do to make your job easier. (and adopt a slinky for that moment of shear frustration!)
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
Ohhh...dear Mrs. Kravitz!! Not all will remember her, but I sure do.
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Lol. That’s awful. My strategy would probably be “in one ear and out the other.”

Maybe you should send the old biddy a note of your own: “Please send a check for $400,000 to pay for all these treatments.”

I can’t stand people who intrude on my private business on a pretext of “helpfulness.”

What is he seeing this woman for, anyway?
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gdaughter Oct 7, 2019
In one ear...no pun intended, right LOL? Ok, well, seriously, she's not an old biddy...she is more middle aged and she and her husband truly are kind, nice people who have treated dad well. EVERYone loves good old Sam. But yes, I think clueless as to the realities of what goes on under our roof or in their bankbook. Dad was just visiting/walking, making the rounds and they probably got to talking and he probably mentioned his physical complaint of feeling off balance. I don't recall if I mentioned but he had complained of this to the primary doc who thought it was worth his exploring a round of PT. It served no obvious benefit after 2-3 months and he quit. So she was probably just trying to be helpful/resourceful with no idea of what work and hassle she was generating for me with the multi-page to-do lists. I mean seriously, I feel like I need a day off just to make all the phone calls for his issues. Some of which I generate for his /their well-being. Like a clean home, getting rid of black mold in the shower door, the new garage door he wants etc. So she's just a nice neighbor down the block and he just stopped to say hi I imagine because he's friendly and has time to do that since he doesn't do laundry, cook, clean, etc etc. LOL.
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thanks everyone. You are more supportive than the support group I go to :-)
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