My Dad, who has terminal cancer, and my brother were very close. Yet, my brother took his own life 3 months ago. What should I say?

I am so sorry. This is just so hard and painful for you and your father. You need professional grief counseling to get through this. If you can't get your dad on board you must do it for yourself. It will be hard enough to lose your father but a brother on top of that is just more than most of us could take. My prayers to you.

Thank you all for your imput. There is no question I need couseling; however, I am faced with that old caregiver dilemma of "no time for myself." You have helped me realize that I absolutely must find the time to get couseling and eventually find my own peace so that I may offer that peace to my father. I guess that time honored advice really is true: I need to put on my oxygen mass first!

trulyblessed, I think I would talk about some lighter memories and let your father lead you where he wants to go with the talk. He may need to talk about it, too. Or he may need to not talk about it. You can open the door for him if he does want to talk about it. You'll be able to tell pretty quickly, most likely. I hope you're able to find time to think of your father and consider the pain he must have felt that led him to giving up his life. Suicide is such a sad end, a lot because it can leave loved ones with feelings of horror and guilt. I hope you find time to work through your feelings. I can tell you cared deeply for your brother. I wondered if there may be a suicide support group in your area and if you could spare some time each week to attend. People who have gone through what you are will know the things in your heart and mind.

Open a dialogue with your dad. Start with something like, "I'm really angry that John killed himself. Do you feel angry?" Remember that most men are hesitant to share their feelings. You may need to lead your dad down this path.

What a terribly sad situation. I don't know your father personally, or the type of relationship you and he have. Have you been able to discuss very difficult and intimate topics in the past? Thinking about my own father, he was stoic and pretty aloof when it came to anything heartfelt. His daughter from his first marriage committed suicide when she was in her 20's, and I was about 11. He never spoke of it, ever. I learned never to say her name again, ever. If I actually did try to broach the subject, which I would NEVER do, I think he'd react as if I had violated a boundary, and he would probably make sure to keep even more distance.
I'm sorry to have gone off on my own tangent here, but I guess what I'm saying is that your desire to bring him some measure of peace, so you both can gain some insight and acceptance of something that you may never truly understand, may be too lofty and possibly, burdensome, to someone facing his own mortality.
Grief counseling, like Palmtrees suggested, sounds like a wonderful idea for you. Perhaps taking your own more solitary journey through this, will have a byproduct effect in bringing your father some peace.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Truly, I lost my brother and mother this past year. If your dad wants to talk about the tragic aspects of your brother's death he will, he knows you are there for him. I would let it go. Those closest to me worry about me because I need space, to sort my thoughts, many people just need time/space to grieve in their own way. Your father may blame himself and that is to much with deal with, for a man in his condition. I would talk about what a wonderful man and father he is. He is probably very worried about you right now, let him know you will continue to have a wonderful life. I had to put myself on auto-pilot mode to get through caring for my mom, after her beloved son died. One person can only do so much in 24hrs. so just do your best and let the rest go. Try to make your dad as happy and comfortable as he can be, make it your mission. I would definitely hire an outside company to help with his care, hospice is not much help that way, although they are very helpful. My thoughts are with you, I'm glad you are open to counciling, because you have a lot to sort through. You are in the thick of it right now, you will have many happy and bright days ahead, but it's hard when you can't see the forest through the trees, just muddle through this very hard time and do the best you can, that's all you can do.

Is there a way to get a grief counselor to speak with your dad? He may find it easier to talk with someone who is not his child.

Truly, I join so many people in saying we are sorry for the loss of your brother and have great admiration for all of the burdens (of love) you have taken on. Yes, the oxygen mask thing :) make it a priority, your grieving needs attention too... good advice from others above. Please don't try to be too much of a superhero, hang up the cape now and then. ;) God bless.

If your dad is on hospice, perhaps they could have a counsellor come out to talk to your dad in private. If he does feel the need to open up, maybe this is a way it could happen. Your dad like mine is of the generation that once it is mentioned, they don't feel the need to discuss things any further. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Your plate is overflowing at the moment. God bless.

If he brought it up, I would follow his lead and be supportive. John was a good man, I miss him too, we have to carry on......no sense in trying to figure out why someone did such a thing, worst yet beating oneself about how it could have been prevented. If you need help in talking through this, try therapy. Frankly, dad needs comfort only.