My dad will be 67 next year, has heart and kidney disease, and we recently found out he's been most likely living in his car for the past year. I'm at a loss as what I can do to help.
A little (a lot) background: my mom left my dad almost 8 years ago after 30 years of misery (her words). My dad used to be a very handsome, charismatic man with very little regard for the feelings of those around him. He had multiple affairs throughout my childhood and was generally unpleasant to be around the rare times he was home. He can be quite charming and gives off an air of being a kind, funny, and loving person. Which he is, on his terms and when he needs something.
When my mom left, he started a downward spiral that involved moving around a lot and living with multiple women. Three years ago, he decided to move closer to me to be more involved in my life and to develop a relationship with my son. This involved him moving in with us without asking, under the guise that it was temporary. 10 months later, I asked him to leave because I was having another baby and the room he was occupying was to be her room. He left, visited on occasion, and would go weeks without speaking to me.
It's been a little over 2 years since he moved out and while we had suspicions that he was living in his car, it wasn't confirmed until last Wednesday. He called me from the ER saying he'd been in an accident. Long story short, he had a syncopal episode while driving, blacked out, and hit a pole. He's been sleeping on our couch since then.
My husband is very supportive of whatever I want to do, my children adore their grandfather, and I want my father to be safe. I want him to be taken care of. I want him to have a roof over his head. But I don't think my sanity could handle having him under my roof long term. My house is large enough to accomodate him, we have a second guest room and bathroom on the 3rd floor but it needs some work done. This would also mean he'd have 3 flights of stairs to climb to come down to the kitchen. He will not answer questions regarding his health and situation. Everything I know is from putting pieces together and coming to my own conclusions, but I think they're right. He receives social security but has no other income. We are not in a financial situation to really help him either. My husband works for the government, I work part time to stay home to take care of our daughter, and our son is autistic and has expensive therapies.
I am 1 of 3 children. My younger brother has all but written him off as a lost cause and has very little contact. I have not spoken to my older half-brother in close to 10 years as he is 13 years older and we've never been very close. My dad did go visit him recently and speaks with him often but I'm unsure of what my brother actually knows. My next step is to get in contact with him.
I just....I don't know what to do. Fix up the 3rd floor as a temporary solution? Try to find low income housing? Figure out a way to get him into a retirement community? Run away to Costa Rica and change my name?
Your father doesn't want to tell you anything. That is one big red flag.
You're not just taking your father into your house, you're taking in ALL his problems, problems that he is not telling you.
So, he was homeless and living in his car. Being homeless is a symptom of the bigger problems. Most often the problems are drugs and alcohol, and mental illness. Not saying these are what cause him to be homeless, just saying these are the most common. Can you deal with those?
He is not telling you his health problems. Besides heart and kidney disease, what else is he hiding? and why? Are you willing to be his caregiver for the next 10-30 years?
Until he comes clean, you don't know what you are in for.
Make sure he has applied for Medicaid. He most likely will not qualify for Medicare for a couple more years. Once he is approved for Medicaid, help him apply for all the federal and local resources he qualifies for, If he is admitted to the hospital for syncope related to his heart issues, the social services department can help you with these processes. You might call the local authorities to ask who to contact for help if he is staying with you.
Once he has Medicaid, you could look into assisted living facilities that take clients on Medicaid.
He should be able to easily afford this with his social security income and he would have a lot of fun charming his new neighbors.
- 30
hours a week babysitting . See if it works out and in the mean time look for affordable housing . This could be a win / win situation . Especially if the grandchildren like him .
Stop enabling him. These are the consequences of the life he chose to lead. Get him in touch with resources and for the love of all that is holy, get him out of your house.
Next time he has a medical crisis, do not pick him up from the hospital! Explain his situation and see what resources the hospital has to find him a suitable place.
Don't be guilted because your kids like him. They haven't been hurt by him yet. My kids loved my ex...until they saw him through adult eyes. Now they have nothing to do with him.
Get him out before he does any real damage to your life.
At 67, he’s young enough to work this out for himself. Give him the contacts to find his own options, and a short time limit to do it. If he’s getting SS and prefers living in a car to searching out cheap accommodation, it’s his choice. In fact he has always done exactly what he wanted to do, from the sound of it. Just make sure that what he wants doesn’t include too much of your time and most importantly doesn’t include living with you.
If he was living in a car that was his choice. In today's economy there are jobs for all who want them. They may not pay what he thinks he is worth, but if he can drive he can work enough to supplement his social security income. You have a young family and they need your attention and energy. Dad isn't that old. He could live to torment you for a long time. Don't let him.
That said, you clearly do not want him to live with you. Start there and seek alternatives. See what half-brother has to offer. I think if either of you found your father a rented, furnished room in a nice house where maybe Dad has access to the kitchen - that might be the answer. He would be free to come and visit you and the grandkids, but still remain "independent" - plus he would have companionship from other renters living there or with the house owner.
I wish you the best in finding a suitable resolution. Please keep us updated on your journey!
What you feel is grief, not guilt. Guilt is for those who have done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong. But he has and still is treating you grievously. Please internalize these facts:
- You cannot want a better life for someone more than they want it themselves.
- You are not responsible for his happiness.
- This is the retirement he planned for -- now he must lie in the bed he made.
- You cannot rescue him as it will be physically, emotionally and financially unsustainable.
Your spouse and children come first. No matter how supportive and patient your spouse is, it will run out at some point and may cost you your marriage. Don't do it.
If/when things get "bad enough" for your father you can call APS. They will acquire guardianship of him and then take care of all his needs. May you receive peace in your heart. Bless you for the unearned grace you are generously giving this man.
Connect him to homeless services in your area. Most communities have homeless outreach teams.
You're either lucky enough to have loving family members to take you in or you live in a Nursing Home.
You might check with Adult Protective Services and see if you can find a place he can live on his Social Security.
You can discuss with your Dad what exactly you're willing to do so he'll know his options.
Have a chat with Dad and see what he would like.
Dad deffiently needs to contribute his fair share while living with you.
Charge Dad room and board and tell him he'll be fixing the 3rd floor room where he'll be staying if that is an option.
Check on the price of a small elevator and have Dad make the monthly payments.
He could have access to and from the 3rd floor, maybe from outside.
If you have any property, you could put a small trailer for Dad to live in.
Do not let his problems become your problems, and for the love of God, do NOT take him into your home. Put him back in his car/home and tell him to be on his merry way. Sounds like it's time for him to grow up.
Research “independent living” in your area.
Don’t “try” to find resources, FIND THEM. “try” IS A WORD THAT IMPLIES “delay”. You cannot delay allowing him to encroach on YOUR resources.
If you have a local “office of the aging” GET IN TOUCH WITH THEM.
He is NOT too old to assume some or possibly even ALL responsibility for himself, but that will NOT happen if you allow yourself to be used by him. (By the way, that’s very likely what’s happening every time you shelter him after one of his episodes).
If his contact with your children is a positive part of their lives, by all means encourage that, but at the same time, keep an eye on their interactions, and be prepared to limit them if they appear to be turning problematic.
Probably a good idea to clarify any legal responsibility you may have unwittingly taken on in respect to his care, and be SURE that “temporary” CLEARLY REMAINS TEMPORARY.
NO MORE “moving in without asking”. When you’re being used as a parachute, it’s YOUR JOB to protect yourself and YOUR family.
DO THAT!
Otherwise, contact department of aging for help.
Best wishes
Just kidding. But I feel your pain.
My BIL was a drifter of sorts too. So here's what we did: we got him set up to live in a motel room locally that had a tiny kitchenette where he could cook a bit. It was in a busy section of Denver where he could catch a bus to the grocery store quite easily. All he had was SSI or SSDI, I can't remember which, but it was well under $1K a month. The motel was around $550 a month. He made friends there including the woman who ran the place who'd have him over for Thanksgiving dinner (he didn't want anything to do with the family he DID have in town). He wound up living in the motel for about 13 years and he really liked it there, honestly. He died about 8 months ago; he had COPD and continued to smoke cigarettes heavily, so he keeled over in the Wal Mart parking lot one day. I got the call while shopping in another Wal Mart, oddly enough.
Get your father set up in a situation like we did for my BIL. People like your father thrive in such a place, not with family like you who will cramp their style ANYWAY. Plus, you're in no position to take him in! No is a complete sentence, so I suggest you use it. But you can still help him get set up elsewhere, if you'd like to do that.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
In hindsight, you should have told the Hospital you could not take him in. That you work and have children, one autistic, that there is no way you can have Dad living with you. Then the Social Worker would have had to work things out. So, if he lands in the hospital again, do not bring him home. If u do you will end up caring for him as his health worsens. You discribed a Narcissistic personality. He will expect so much more out of you as time goes on. Be very firm with the agencies that you talk to that he cannot live with you. You have enough on ur plate with a child with challenges.
With just SS you will not be able to get Dad into a Assisted Living unless ur State pays for it. A NH is out of the question unless he needs 24/7 care. You could have him evaluated and should. He needs a full physical with labs. There is HUD housing where they take 30% of his monthly income for rent. But there is a list. Talk to Social Services and tell them he needs emergency housing. Maybe they will put him up in a motel.
There is Adult Protection services too.