Husband decided on his own to play caregiver to his mom after a stroke. I say play because he is not qualified and does not provide the best care despite "good intentions." One problem is that we do not spend time together as he is gone from morning to night. He will go see her before and after work and 8+ hours on the weekend. The thing is she refuses other care from their family and professional facilities and expects him to do it. He agrees and yet complains or says it's not working for him.. All of the household things he should do at our home he neglects, but does them for her. On our date nights he will still answer calls from his mom or other family members. He will alot 6 hours (if that) for date night and will often cancel or be late. Other times we do not see each other. Another problem is many times his bills or our joint bills go unpaid by him and I have to cover it, but he has taken out over $50,000 in loans this year for his mom's bills (yes she gets about $3000 month for retirement or SSI) and her caregivers on some days. He does not consult me or let me know about this, I see things in the mail sometimes and confront him. Mind you his sister LIVES with his mom and doesn't do anything. But he yells at me for not going over there. (His parents have always interfered in our relationship and have said cross things so I avoid especially now in covid). He and his mom refuse to get professional medical help. I bring up my feelings thoughts and concerns in a variety of ways- sometimes it's calm and matter of fact, sometimes it's frustration. He does not address our marriage issues -finances, intimacy, communication- but instead talks about his mom and her situation and feelings. Imo he acts like he is married to his mom since his dad passed away and even before. At this point he has promised to "fix" the situation and be home and get finances in order for over a year. He constantly lies. I have told him many times that we should separate if he does not think he can handle being a husband and being honest about everything. He continues to say things will change and they haven't in the slightest bit. I've lost hope. Has anyone been in this situation? What have you done?
My ex came home and said he did not want to be married anymore. That was 44 yrs ago. Three years later I married my now DH. My ex did me a big favor. For you, time to move on. You deserve so much more.
The first thing you should do is take half of what you have in the bank and put it in a separate account for now before u see a lawyer. Someone on the forum said that if your acct is joint, you may not be able to touch it once u see the lawyer. (Unless u have been smart and kept your finances separate) See that lawyer. Hopefully he has taken out these loans in his name and you did not sign for them. You should not be held responsible for them. They are his debts used on his mother. Not for things you bought together.
Seems you have been able to foot the bills without him. Is his car in his name only? Then stop making payments and make him aware of it. Tell him time to just live with Mom for now. If you plan on staying in the apartment, he needs to move his things out. Everything. All at the same time. If he doesn't then pack them up carefully with an inventory of what is in each box. Take pictures. Then, if you have to, take them to his Moms making sure he is there to receive the boxes. Take a picture of the boxes. I would # each one and make sure a copy of the inventory is in each one with the #. Then I would change the locks on the apt. A lawyer will be able to tell you how to handle things according to the law in your State.
Don't let anger take over. You want to do everything by the book. Believe me, a weight will be taken off your shoulders. This isn't a marriage. He does not consider you in any of his decisions. I would do what I needed to do to get this over quickly but I would not be too nice. Remember, he put himself into this position not you and you are not responsible to get him out. He and his sister had an option, they chose not to take it.
Please come back and tell us how things go. Thanks for the update.
I agree it is necessary at times to sail on & leave others to their own journey.
Whatever dynamic that left your SIL unable to launch & your now ex still emeshed in such a close orbit, I don't know. This is their life to live this way or evolve in their own time (if they can).
Focus on your future now.
Divorce is hard but necessary sometimes. Been there.
It gets better, I promise.
A $50,000 loan for his mom's "bills" is extremely suspect. Between that loan & his mom's income that's $86,000 in a year! There is almost no way it went for her care exclusively.
And the fact that he constantly lies to you, I can't see many things in the "pro" column to remain married to him. Sorry.
If he is.. then I agree it's time for you to walk.
If not, he somehow has to reprioritise quick smart before you do & he loses his marriage.
The following current thread is about a Father & a needy Gran but it may be similar in cause: A case of pressure & training to be 'The Good Son'
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/grandma-wants-to-move-in-anyone-have-any-advice-how-to-handle-this-situation-471993.htm
He has made it abundantly clear to you and the therapist that his mom comes first and he will continue to devote all his time, money and efforts to her.
You are just chopped liver to him.
Would you marry him if you met him today?
It’s grief when you terminate a marriage, much worse long term grief if there are children so you have to keep the parental contact going. Allow yourself to realise that the pain you feel by walking away, doesn’t mean that it’s the wrong thing to do. The sooner you know what you want to do, the better off you will be (both emotionally and financially). Face it, don’t try to postpone the decision you make. It may be leaving, it may be financial, it may be setting an ultimatum and sticking to it without falling for the lies. But do it.
Best wishes in a nasty situation, Margaret.
After talking to the therapist, I reiterated that he can still work on our marriage and find appropriate help/care for his mom. I don't want to talk about his mom EVERYTIME I want to address an issue with our marriage. He told me he can't be happy or be at peace with me and work on our marriage until his mother is fully taken care of... (Mind you she is still refusing help other than his). I let him know we can talk about his mom and feelings around that outside of our marriage conversations and he is saying that that is part our marriage and using her as the excuse for all the issues, yep she is a big issue due to lack of boundaries... and my birthday tomorrow. Guess where he will be? Same place he was last year and the year before her stroke... I'm taking a trip so I can get away for a few days.
Marriage is by definition a partnership -- otherwise, why get married? He doesn't see you as a partner, and he's not going to change no matter how much counseling is involved.
Cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, and go into any future relationships with your eyes wide open.
You probably want to have a kid if you ever did want that. And if you did, this is NOT THE GUY. Can you imagine 30 years of Granma's meddling? She's a senior brat as it is, totally oblivious to your needs, and this will only get worse for what could be...30 years.
Seek a lawyer's assistance. Then invite him to move to a less convenient location to Mommy, as you will be doing so. If he doesn't you have your answer. Move on.
You need to see a lawyer. The loans are in his name so they may not be considered a marital thing. Continue to keep your money separate. If something is not paid that is in his name only, like his car, the loans, don't you pay them. Pay only what you need to live. I lawyer will be able to help you concerning the laws of your state.
It seems to me like his family has been a thorn in the side of your relationship for a very long time. If he refuses to even discuss things, much less change them after over 10 years together, then I can't see him suddenly having an epiphany, can you?
So the question here shouldn't be asking you asking us what you should do, but rather us asking you what are you willing to put up with in the name of this relationship? And that's an answer that will likely take some soul-searching on your part.
If your question to me was "what would you do if you were in my situation" my answer would be to cut my losses and move on with my life, especially before I complicated things by having a family with this person.
I think you deserve to have a partner who puts you and your life together above all other outside things. Don't you agree?
You are so YOUNG. I didn't get married until I was 34. I know you've been with him for over a decade and it feels like a lifetime. But believe me, if you spent one more day being married to him, you wasted that one day.
Leave him. He's married to his mom as you said and I agree. Your leaving may wake him up, or not. Either way, don't waste another day with a momma's boy.
Best of luck going forward. Chalk this up to "lesson learned".
I implore you to see a lawyer (don't tell DH you are doing this: he will either try to "deny" you or take all your joint money pre-emptively).
Protect your future earnings and your savings if that is possible
I know that you don't "think" that you are young, but you are.
Start over and build relationships that are honest.
How long has this intolerable situation with DH and MIL been going on?
How old are you both?
Did you have any discussions about caring for elderly parents before the marriage?
In a joint account, everything belongs entirely to each depositor. He can withdraw ALL of your joint money with no recourse.
Please see a lawyer.
You know when he gets off work, so show up outside her home to greet him.
You could otherwise help and join him in some care attempting to keep Mom in her home, knowing and understanding and -- most importantly --agreeing that this may not be doable in future and Mom-MIL may need placement.
You need some serious mediation and negotiation. And you need someone expert in helping you come to agreement.
If he is not willing to do this I would at once see an attorney to legal seperation of assets to protect your own money from what your husband is doing.
So in short. You need EXPERT help here, sooner, rather than later.
He needs to understand that it is Mommy or you. And at his age, if he chooses Mommy, then protect your assets and legally separate so he can't take YOUR HALF and spend it on Mommy.
He has his income and still takes out loans and payday advances to pay his half of the rent and give to his mom and caregivers for some hours in the week. Our other joint bills are paid by me or are late until I get a notice and have to pay them. All his money goes to him and his mom. He mentions frequently how I won't help him financially (nope not if you work and take out extreme amounts in loans). I don't want his money either. Just time and for him to be the husband he promised. I understand she may need assistance, but Our bills and home should be the priority... especially with his sister living with their mom and should be paying her way.
The only leverage you have here is your ability to control your own behavior (and funds).
If this is a new marriage, I would think long and hard about if you want to continue it. Seeking some professional guidance might be wise