What should I do? He won’t let anyone help him...

I think you gpa may need more care than Gma can give. UTIs are very serious in men. This may be the cause of his decline. He needs to see a doctor to be evaluated. It may be something fixable. He could have low potassium, diabetes, etc. Worse case scenario, your gma is going to have to call an ambulance and take him to the hospital. If he starts to hallucinate or complains of chills, he needs to go. He will then get the tests he needs. Pray he goes to rehab. If u see no improvement ask for an evaluation. Then u can go from there.

What does your grandma say about his condition? Does he have a Healthcare POA? Is she able to convince him to get checkup at doctor's office? If so, they can do a mini evaluation there. Plus, rule out any medical issues, like UTI, illnesses, etc. But, I'd be sure to have someone there to provide doctor the right answers, since, grandfather may not be able to. If he has cognitive decline, he may tell doctor all is fine and no problems with him. Some people make a list of the symptoms and give doctor before the appointment, so they know what's going on at home.

Resistance to care is common with dementia, if that's what he has. Sometimes, measures have to be taken to protect the patient and their family members if they are abusive.

But, the most important thing that I would consider is whether grandmother will call 911 if he is abusive. Regardless, of what's wrong with him, if he harms her, it will be bad for the both of them. If she's not willing or able to protect herself by getting him help, I'd consult with an attorney about stepping in with court action to get control or I'd report it to social services.

There has been advice given here that I think is great and very valuable. Grandpa needs to go to the doctor to be evaluated for dementia. He also needs to be checked for urinary tract infection because his behavior is also indicative of that. Those can be chronic. My mom’s were.

How do you get him to go? Tell him that you heard from Medicare and he has to go to his doctor or they will stop his insurance. That’s not true, of course, but he may believe it.

Grandpa is probably from the era when the wife took care of the husband, no matter what. “In sickness and in health” and all that. My husband subscribes to the same theory, but luckily he is not abusive.

Grandma needs help. Medicare or Medicaid will pay for a certain amount of hours weekly for someone to come in to help her. Or, the doctor may suggest Grandpa needs to go to a nursing home. If you have family support, Grandma will need all of them to get involved. It’s not easy.

Thank you all very much, this is very helpful. He has been in nursing homes before and has been kicked out of both of them due to his behavior. My grandma is trying her hardest to care for home but it is taking a lot out of her. To get my grandpa out of the house is going to require a physical and verbal struggle, something I don’t think my mom or Grandma could handle at this point. He hasn’t left the house in 6 years.

this is just a short term suggestion. to take away all his underwear/briefs and replace in his chest of drawers the disposable undies. they look like mens white undies. when assisted living started my dad on the disposables, they had us remove all his regular undies and put the others in the drawer.
 and then purchase water resistance pads for his easy chair(small) and his bed(large)
but maybe you are already doing those things?